Boyfriend Infidelity... or not... what do I do

[jacobcodychris]

Me and my boyfriend have been together about a year and a half. I love him with everything I have. I have never doubted that he felt the same way until last night.

I was on his computer (he was there and knew this... I wasn't snooping), and I ended up finding myself into his email account. This was truly not intentional--I went to the email server's website to check my mail and he never logged out. But then I saw something disturbing...

Apparently he posted a craigslist add. Yeah. One of those kinds. He had been corresponding with people, sending pictures back and forth, gave out his number, and told them times he would be free. It looked like a clear cut case of infidelity.

I confronted him with this, and he was immediately embarrassed, but he had an explanation. He first off swore that he NEVER met any person and has always been 100% faithful to me. He said that he gets off on that kind of encounter with another person... it feels dangerous or deviant, and it got him off. He never wanted to meet anybody, and never did.

I've never had any doubt whatsoever until last night about his faithfulness. I want to believe him, because I cannot see myself without him. I know he feels terrible. I told him that it's still wrong what he did even if he never met anybody; he says I'm right and the thought never actually crossed his mind when he did it. He just equated it to looking at porn or something.

Even if he has been 100% faithful to me through this, the trust I had for him is very damaged. I don't want to leave him, but I need advice on how to keep going. ANY thoughts, advice or whatnot would be appreciated.

 

[Lube]

I can only go on what you've posted.... To me, his story doesn't sound believable. You should've asked to see his cell phone history to see if calls were actually made.

Once that trust is broken it's very hard if not impossible to get back. You'll be forever wondering, "Where is he now?" or "Why is he late?".

Good luck.

 

[hylas]

you know, what hes saying could very well be true. he might have just gotten off on the idea of an anonymous hookup. either that, or he was cheating, or trying to cheat.

what do you feel, what does your gutt tell you? is he being honest, or is he making excuses? and even if you feel hes telling the truth, he still kinda violated your trust by not telling you about this. do you think you could trust him again? be brutally honest with yourself, and make a good decision. good luck.

 

[swerve]

From reading your post -- I actually 100% believe him...

UNFORTUNATELY, there are a LOT of people that use Craigslist with NO INTENTION of actually meeting up...

My advice would be to believe him -- but keep an eye open for obvious clues in the future...

It SOUNDS like you actually have a great relationship...

 

[StakeMe]

One thing I would watch out for...don't let your love for him cloud your judgment, some people will take full advantage of the fact that you love them so much.
I know you desperately want to believe him, but try and take a step outside of yourself and look at the situation from an outsiders perspective. If this was happening to one of your friends what would you think then?

 

[Seasoned]

He wanted to get caught at this otherwise he would have been more careful. The question now is not whether or not he was unfaithful, but rather if you can be emotionally healthy. If you obsess and begin spying, etc. you will obviously need help.

I think a set aside time for a relationship discussion is called for. It's normal to fantasize, but anything beyond that ought to be agreed to. Couples counseling may be in order. My partner and I have been together a long time and we go in for "tune-ups" from time to time.

 

[rareboy]

I was on his computer (he was there and knew this... I wasn't snooping), and I ended up finding myself into his email account. This was truly not intentional--I went to the email server's website to check my mail and he never logged out. But then I saw something disturbing...

Ain't love a bitch sometimes?

I guess you'll never ever really trust him again will you?

You have to ask yourself if it matters.

 

[racer2438]

I tend to lean on his story, more than on cheating. I am in a LTR of 25 yrs.

But I check in on adam4adam on my post, but i am searching for new friends for us to go out and have lunches, wine tasteing and shit like that. I get the wierdest emails back but I dont act on them. My honey knows of this and we have fun with it. We dont mislead them as it clearly says friends only no sex. But some want some.

So I would just play along and maybe do some role playing to spice up things. Talk it out and see what he likes about it and use it to both your advantage.

Cus if he wanted to hide it he could of very easily.

 

[crazybaby69]

I have been in the exact situation. Sounds just like my story. I found myself in his email, found THOSE emails and question him. I got the same answer and that it still made him feel sexy cux hes quite a bit older than I am (me 20; him 37) and hes gained weight. I looked passed it. Actually got him at his own game and posted on cl and he responded!! That was a laugh, he says he hasnt been on since, but I mean im not ugly so he would be stupid to do anything, cuz the majority, not all, on cl are hideous or diseased. Speaking from experience you should be ok.

If you need anyone to talk to on the matter Ive been right there, me and my bf have been together a year, feel free to message me if you like. I know it hurts and makes you suspicous at first but it will be ok.

 

[KaraBulut]

The issue here isn't whether he cheated or not.

The issue is that he had a secret little life that he excluded you from. And now that you've found his little secret, you're beginning to wonder what other little secrets he's been hiding from you.

One thing to note about racer's post above- he's doing exactly what your boyfriend claims to be doing. The difference is that your boyfriend was keeping it all secret. And until you and your boyfriend find out why it was all happening behind your back, you will have a difficult time unraveling all of this.

Forget about leaving him for now. Have a talk. Tell him how you feel. Tell him that you've always trusted him but now that you've discovered that he's running CL ads and talking to other guys, you're wondering why he kept all of this secret.

 

[G-Lexington]

The only part I'm having difficulty understanding is how somebody would have evidence of cheating (or, at least, something that most people could misinterpret as cheating) so easily found on their computer...and then, freely let his partner use said computer.

The trust is gone. It's now up to you if you want to bother rebuilding it.

Lex