Boyfriend issues? Me issues?

[Avernio]

So I've been with my boyfriend for about 4 months. It's been pretty great despite a few moments where I've had some paranoid moments. But before I get into the topic at hand, Let me explain a few things: This is my first relationship. He is much more experienced with relationships than I am. That being said, I have a feeling that's where a lot of the paranoia comes from. I have a history of hooking up with random guys (before we started our relationship, of course) and I'm used to going from guy to guy and now I have someone in my life that I love.

So I have a couple of questions that I get paranoid about and I need someone to shed some light on the situation and just be real with me. I used to get paranoid about him talking about his exes. I used to feel that he had feelings for one in particular still (his most recent), but I got over that and it's not an uncomfortable subject anymore. It just took some time for me to realize that this is a more permanent relationship and I'm not just a rebound.

Second, I used to feel really uncomfortable with the fact that he watches porn. I even felt uncomfortable watching porn at first. I guess I really just don't like the feeling of him watching other guys, who are more attractive than I am, have sex. I feel like there's something that I can't give to him. It hurts a little bit. We don't have sex sometimes for a couple of weeks at a time. He's always busy with homework or just doesn't have time, but he seems to find time to masterbate. I have needs and I want to have more sex with my boyfriend, which I've explained to him on more than one occasion.

He explains to me that it's not that he's not sexually attracted to me, it's just that when he is stressed about school, his sex drive goes down a little bit, but it still bugs me that he'd rather masterbate by himself instead of having a quickie with me.

I want to get over this because he is a great guy, and I don't doubt that he loves me. It's just difficult to want more attention from him and not being able to get it. We had a recent blowup the other night because I thought he was checking other guys out when we went out to eat and it makes me frustrated because we already have very limited time together, I just want the focus to be on me when we DO have time together.

I don't know what's normal in relationship because I've never been in one before. I'm trying so hard to make things feel okay, but it's difficult sometimes. I'm trying to work on it and I'm trying to figure out the issue. Is it that I don't trust him? Is it that I feel like I'm not attractive enough for him? If I weren't attractive enough for him, then why is he still with me?

 

[aaggii]

You´re overthinking. Me and my man talk about our exes at times, no problem there. It´s not my first relationship, but at first I DID feel jealous hearing him speaking about this subject until I realized I did it too.. probably more than him.

This being your first relationship, everything is new to you, but eventually you´ll grow over things like this. The stuff that bothers you now, in the future will mean nothing to you, believe me. As I see it, the most important is to TALK with your man, remind him always that its your first relationship and you have no experience, but don´t use this as an excuse to paranoia. Tell him you need to talk about things that bother you and you need his help until you gain some more experience on this. Talking is everything in a serious relationship.

What´s normal in a relationship depends on each couple. Good luck to you, folks!

 

[justanothershyguy]

There are two things that make a great relationship: communication and trust. What I see the most in this is that you need help trusting him. If you want this relationship to be successful in anyway, you have to help him help you. No matter how much you try, porn is probably not going to go away from his life. Neither are other guys in public. Does that mean he's going to act on it? Extremely doubtful. Here's where the communication comes into play:

but it still bugs me that he'd rather masterbate by himself instead of having a quickie with me.

Tell him this. "Sweetie, I know you're stressed out, but it still bugs me that you'd rather masturbate by yourself then have a quickie with me." At the same time, remember that you can't just cut porn out, especially this early in the relationship without a solid ground of trust to stand on.

I think you will find that talking and communicating with him about the little things that bother you will help immensely. Don't beat around the bush (if that's what was happening). "This bothers me because .. insert issue here. How can we make it better?"

The last thing I'll say is that you need to stop worrying about how attractive you are to him. He is with you, right? He still wants to be with you, right? Then you are. Continue to be you and talk with him about things. If something makes you a little jealous, tell him. You can do it! Good luck

 

[Brian Smith]

Well, whenever my partner and I have an issue, we discuss it. We regard it as constructive argument. I am not saying that all argument is good argument: if it's argument where neither partner is considerate of the other's feelings, that's unacceptable. However, argument where you are communicating distress to your partner but also being respectful is good. It is VERY good.

I am therefore a strong believer in communication. Talk to your partner. If you've already talked to him and you're not satisfied, try being more insistent. Let him know that it makes you feel unhappy that he would rather masturbate than have sex with you. Look, maybe he has a good explanation for why he would rather whack himself off most of the time than go to the trouble of mounting you, or just maybe you will have to compromise on this subject whether or not you see the reasoning behind it. You can't always have it your way, even if most people would agree that you're being cheated, which I do. Either way, you are not going to get anywhere at all if you don't discuss it, and show some spine.

I remember the time I started throwing a fit at my partner because he wanted to screw me six times a day. It was driving me bonkers. We had a come to Jesus meeting over it, and we got into a fuss. I got pissed-off and left him out-in-the-cold for a week to chill for a while. Eventually, I didn't get my desire to keep it down to once daily at most, preferably three times a week, but he did meet me halfway. We are down to two or three times a day, and now I couldn't imagine doing it any other way.

We do have fusses over things, but we have a really awesome relationship because we're not afraid of it. It works for us because we show respect for each other, even when we are pissed-off at each other. It gives us a chance to work out issues like what you are talking about. I think it's partly because we worked-out all of our issues and expectations early on that we probably have less real conflict in our relationship than most partners who have been together for two years. We don't have very many real issues in our relationship BECAUSE we have bothered to go to the trouble of working most of them out.

And yes, I agree that he's being a little unfair to you. If you accept the possibility that you might not get everything you want, even though I would agree that you are NOT being unreasonable, go for it. Give him hell about it. Nag him. Go get him, killer. Although it's a part of life that we are going to have a handful of injustices in our relationship, that doesn't mean we don't have a right to bitch about it...as long as we are...say it with me...

​Respectful!!!

 

[BiMike]

All guys sex drives vary to some degree, it may be inflenced by the amount of free time they have and their other pressures such as study. You are probably a bit young and your bf does not have as much time as you to devote to just having sex. Are you getting as much sex you did when you were when into hook ups and is it a lot better? If it is you will have to sacrifice not being able to have it off with youf everytime you feel a need. He probably finds having a quick session to some hot porn satisfies his immediate needs. Hopefully the present study situation is not going for too long, if it is you may have to consider if at this stage in your life it is to early to be in a true relationship with another guy. Best of luck.

 

[Scealle]

Believe it or not it's actually healthy and normal for coupled people to still watch some porn here and there once in a while. Most of my coupled friends still does it though most aren't to open about it/ watch discretely. Not too much though, that could be a problem. Though this differs depending on the couple. I think you are over thinking things about the part where you think he's checking out other guys. I am pretty sure you are attractive enough for him I know what he meant though. When I am stressed my sex drive goes way down even if I haven't JO for weeks. Hope you guys sort things out soon

 

[Avernio]

I'm going to try to talk to him about it tonight. I've already talked to him about having more sex, but he always says he's too busy with homework, week after week. We're both 21 and in college by the way to give some age perspective.

Also, is it okay for him to swap porn vids with another guy and talk to someone else about how hot he thinks it is? (not vids or pics of himself, he told the other guy he couldn't because he was in a relationship) I feel uncomfortable about that, but he also doesn't know that I know about it. He doesn't even talk to me about the porn he likes! If he wants to be open with me, I feel like he would, but all it shows me is that he isn't as open and I thought he would be about everything. I just feel like it's keeping secrets and from my point-of-view, I would be uncomfortable exchanging porn videos with someone else while being in a relationship. Or am I still overreacting?

 

[Brian Smith]

No matter what it is, if you feel uncomfortable with it, you are allowed to bitch about it. You just have to be willing to compromise, and you have to be willing to make allowances you might NOT like in order to salvage stuff about the relationship that you LIKE. No matter how insignificant it seems to be, YOUR feelings, even if you think they are not rational, are anything but insignificant. You don't just have a right to bitch, but you have a right to bitch about unimportant bullshit if it's unimportant bullshit that affects you in an important way. As long as you're willing to be respectful and show a willingness to compromise.

I'm sorry not to address your issues more specifically, but I strongly insist that this stuff is very subjective. Some people would accuse my partner of being controlling, but I like the fact that he is. The fact that he holds me close and feels possessive over me is very sexy to me. I also know that other people would not tolerate it for five minutes. Most people would just walk out over it, never to be seen again. The fact that I like it means everything.

 

[racer2438]

Bottom line it all comes back to insecurity, and maybe maturity. This will always be a thorn in any LTR, and if not nip in the bud will just fester into other issues.

So if you work on that things will get better, if not then things like this will follow you for ever and you maybe hoping in and out of ltr's.

 

[Rolyo85]

Being insecure about him watching pretty boys fuck on the screen = being jealous of a fantasy. Being jealous of a fantasy will murder your relationship. Just so you know.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK here's something that I had to learn the hard way - and it's not always nice. If you want an honest and open relationship, you have to be capable of fostering an environment where your guy feels comfortable being honest and open. Which usually means discussing things that you dislike about his behavior without making accusations or passive aggressive shenanigans. If you don't like his porn, start off by asking him what he likes about it. Just like it's normal conversation, or YOU could start swapping hot porn with him and include yourself in that part of his life.

If you accuse, pout, throw fits, attack, etc... (not that I'm saying you're doing that, and you WILL do some of that at some point - no one's perfect, just don't make a habit of it) you aren't helping yourself, if that stuff is habitual, what you are actually doing is training him not to tell you things he knows you won't like.

The reason I'm talking about your behavior is the other thing that I had to learn that wasn't always nice. The ONLY person you can control is yourself. In the end, a successful relationship is one in which you are getting out of it what you put into it. If he's a cheating bastard you are not going to "change" him, though LOL I have found it is possible to ruin a nice guy, at least in the short term.

Basically you make an honest effort at it, try your best, and see what happens. That's the only universal advice that exists. If that's what you're doing, and you still find you aren't happy - it's time to leave.

Love isn't the determining factor, more's the pity, respecting your commitment is.

r.e. the jacking off. I whack off sometimes purely for stress relief. For the endorphin rush, I've even done that (TMI!!!!!) at work in the can before big pressure filled presentations. It's NOT about anything else, and having sex with my guy would not produce the same results. Not because I don't love him and find him attractive, but because it simply has nothing to do with him.

 

[TX-Beau]

Oh yeah, you seem to be buying into this idea that true love means being everything to your partner. That is Hollywood, and it's a lie. You need a partner, but both of you also need space to be yourselves.

 

[Avernio]

Thank you for all of the advice guys! It's pretty much the same advice that I hear from people: "Don't let this get to you, and stop being paranoid, or else he is going to leave you".

It's just a little difficult for me to find a balance. It's hard for me to put my trust into someone like that, and I feel like as soon as I let my guard down, something is going to happen. But, then on the other hand, I feel like I should be able to let my guard down for my boyfriend. It's just a weird in between spot that I find myself in. I want to be able to let my guard down and trust him and not have to be paranoid all the time about what he's doing when I'm not around, I just haven't figured out a way to do that just yet.

 

[eastofeden]

The most ideal situation would be for you to talk to him openly and say exactly what you have said here and as TX pointed out...it is VERY IMPORTANT to create an environment where your guy feels comfortable talking to you without feeling as though he is going to be punished or in any way manipulated. If you can accomplish this you will have a much better future no matter who you are with. Alot of times we play games with our partner or lover and then complain when they aren't totally honest...taking no responsibility for creating the circumstances that led to that being the case.

The reason creating the environment is so important...sexuality and human nature is extremely complex and learning about who you are and what it is that makes you tick can be a lifelong journey.

You will probably do well to accept that you are not going to be everything to anyone else...and would you really want to be? It would suck to be the sole source of everything for someone...what a huge responsibility that would be.

One more thing...spend as much time as possible to teach yourself to never compare yourself to anyone...ever. You can do it. It takes some time but it is worth the effort. The problem with that kind of thinking...you will always be "loosing" to someone for whatever silly reason (and it is silly) and right before you die you will realize what a colossal a waste of time it was. It will bring you nothing but heartache and a shitload of drama whether it be internal or external. The payoff for overcoming that kind of thinking will be the self confidence you gain in the process and it will make you infinitely more attractive..to yourself and other people as well.

 

[Seasoned]

The part of not letting your guard down sounds like co-dependency to me. Read up on the topic and see if it fits. If it does begin some self help exercises or therapy to lessen it's affect on your life. It can turn you into a paranoid control freak and pretty much ruin your life. People who grow up in dysfunctional families with addictions are susceptible to co-dependent behaviors.