Breaking Up and Trust Issues

[scissors]

Okay, I'll try to keep this relatively brief.

I just broke up with my first serious boyfriend this weekend, and obviously I'm still incredibly upset about it. The reason we broke up is because he was lying to me about alot of stuff during the relationship, and even when I would confront him about it he would lie. I ended up having to hear the truth from other people, and when I confronted him yet again this weekend, he finally broke down and told the truth.
However, I felt paranoid all throughout the relationship about what he was doing, and most of the time without reason. At the beginning he never lied to me or did anything to make me think he was lying, but I still felt I should be suspicious for no logical reason.
When we were breaking up he said that it was likely for the best, because it was getting to the point where he felt he couldn't do anything without me because he thought that I would get paranoid and suspicious of him.
So obviously I must have some sort of trust issues. I know it takes A LOT for me to truly trust someone, but we were dating for 5 months and I still felt suspicious (in the end, I apparently had reason).
So what I guess I'm asking is: is there any suggestion or way to become more trusting of a person? Or is this suspicion a common feature in most relationship? Or am I just beyond repair and going to be paranoid my entire life?

 

[phoenix72]

i don't have a whole lot of experience in this but for me it was the exact opposite. i was too trusting in my relationship and not even thinking my bf was out there giving it up to folks. like it was going out of style i found out in the end though and broke it off. i got the let's be friends speech needless to say i dont remember the dude's name anymore.

But it did leave me not being able to have much trust it others for awhile and i didnt date during that time. But after awhile i just knew that i needed to get back out there and learn to live life. I couldnt be secluded at let it pass me by...so i little by little i became a little more trusting and open about myself. After awhile i met someone new and even though we're not together anymore.

I needed to just tell myself (self, its corny i know) you gotta get back out and just love yourself and be you. There will come and time and a guy that you meet and you both will be secure in each other. At least that's my belief. I hope i made some kinda sense because i tend to ramble sometimes (and plus its Monday)

So best wishes to you in whatever comes your way, just be yourself.

 

[confusedboy23]

I think you did the right thing. Breaking up is not the easiest thing to do, but there is no point in staying in a relationship when there is no honesty between the two of you.

Honesty to me, matters more than anything else in a relationship be it between friends, family or more so with your significant other half.

It will take you a long time to get over him but I'm sure you'll get there someday. Consider sharing with us what happened between the both of you and what caused those suspicions. Maybe we could hear you out and sort of advise you on if it's really yor problem. Otherwise, talk to a really close friend or maybe ring up a counselor. All the best...

 

[Just_Believe18]

If you want to get into a relationship again, I recommend this:

As gay guys, it's so easy to get sexual in a relationship quickly. Most of the time, two guys will boink each other before they trust each other. The best way to deal with your feelings of suspicion is to establish trust with the guy first, before you let him have your body and put yourself in a vulnerable position. If you give yourself time to trust the guy, I know that waiting will help ease your apprehensive feelings.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

I also believe that Only the Paranoid Survive...

Now, that little joke aside, you may want to re-think your strategy here.

Obviously, there is a huge amount of spin with regard to m2m LTRs.

I mean, this gives you a partner, and will grant you a general level of social acceptability. Rite?

Being in a committed LTR will also help destroy that popular image of gay men being 'horny sex dogs' all the time.

Being with your man will also mean that you are not an easy guy, changing several partners daily. (Who wants to be branded 'slut' these days?)

So, take a very deep breath and grant yourself some serious time.

Meeting up with a dude today and entering a serious, committed LTR Friday afternoon is a bit too soon, for all the practical purposes.

So, instead of falling for all those previously described dubious benefits, take your time and start dating a guy. Go one step at a time. Spend all kinds of time with him, get involved into his life and let him get involved into yours.

Over the time, the guy will either earn your trust or he'll waste it. People can keep up their facades for a while. However, all that is fake starts to crumble and fall, sooner rather than later.

Be patient and take your time. Get rid of the absolute LTR 'necessity'-at-any-cost thinking. It is working against you.

Date, grow together, have fun and enjoy...And learn only to commit, when the time is right.

SC

 

[spreadeagle]

I don't think this sounds like paranoia at all. When he describes your (justifiable) suspicions as 'paranoia' he's simply trying to shift the blame for the relationship ending from himself to you. He's saying that it was okay for him to lie in a relationship but not okay for you to doubt him.

It sounds as if you have a fully-functioning bullshit-detector and your only mistake was in choosing to trust him rather than to trust your own instincts. This resulted in it dragging on for five months when you could have ditched him much earlier and been over him by now. Put simply - do you want to be in a relationship with a liar and a cheat or not?

 

[scissors]

What the issue in the relationship was may sound stupid to some. He told me before we started dating that he had had a problem with drugs in the past, however, he wasn't doing them anymore. I told him before we started anything that I couldn't date someone who did drugs at all (simply due to my own bad experiences in the past with other people who did drugs). He said it wasn't even an issue. I had heard stories from other people about him doing drugs at parties, and when I would confront him on it, he would say that it wasn't true, and I was being paranoid about it. Keep in mind that this was my first relationship ever, so I was still trying to figure out how to "act" or "behave" in a relationship. Finally, I confronted him about another story I heard about him and he told the truth (not before lying right to my face AGAIN). There were lots of other little things that he'd lie about during the course of the relationship that I found out. For example, he would lie to me about his marks in school. I believed that he was some 90%-averaging student until I found his transcripts which proved otherwise. I just let things like that slide because I figured it was a self-confidence issue and perhaps he felt the need to be "bigger and better" than me. I broke up with him not only because he was doing drugs when I told him I couldn't be with someone who did, but also because he lied to me so many times. It was also kind of scary how he seemed to believe his own lies as well....

 

[Blueboy369]

If this guy was really worth it you could overlook a few things but it sounds to me like you made the RIGHT decision. It's important for you to feel secure and happy and you still have time to find someone with less baggage. Don't be so quick and jump into another relationship. just because you date someone or have sex doesn't mean that you should immediatly be joined at the hip. Date, have fun and wait untill you really trust the next guy before you give your whole heart. If you've learned something you haven't lost a thing!

 

[tallguy297]

Hey scissors,

Mate...first... know that you are not beyond repair...and that suspicion like trust are just feelings and emotions that we all have and share. The real trick is finding a balance and equilibrium between the 2 that keeps you safe...and yet lets you live a life of happiness and freedom.

Dont assume you have issues. Dont assume you cant trust. Dont let this be something that plays on your mind and creates doubt in your life. Dont let this be something that prevents you from taking risks and chances because you have built a wall of protection around you that you dont let anyone in...

I read and reread your posts....I think that you are simply someone that has a deep sense of empathy...you feel other people...you read them better. Its a special trait that makes you able to love fully, feel deeply and care truly...but its also a capabilty that helps you sense untruths and lies a little earlier too.

I admire your sense of value and your integrity....I admire that there are issues for you that you are prepared to stand your ground...and while compromise is a fantastic thing there are times when self respect and your own standards should come first. Thats a good thing scissors...that keeps you safe.

But I also read that you were suspicious from the start. That there was something that made you uneasy...for no logical reason.

Dont let the end justify the beginning here scissors. Yes you were right...this time. Drugs are something that can cloud peoples judgments and self worth...he was lying to himself as much as he was lying to you...I guess his shame and dependence won out in the end. So this was a situation where the facts backed up the feeling...and as hard as it would have been you stood by your principles and protected yourself. Again something you should feel deeply proud of.

But will you be right next time?

Its easy to see that you are someone who cares, who thinks, who has patience and the understanding as well as a capacity to love and feel deeply. Its also easy to see you feeling vulnerable and open to real hurt because of those same reasons.

Trust is built. Trust comes from saying here I am...warts and all. Trust comes from laying open your heart and soul...its about taking your worst fears and sharing them...letting yourself be exposed completely. We are all capable of trust...but it evolves and grows. You just have to be prepared to take some calculated risks until you know for sure.

And like the guys here have said... dont rush relationships...the best ones are built on friendships and common ground. They are built on shared values and interests. And its through that time that exposure and the closeness that you learn to trust.

Scissors...you are worth that trust. You are worth that happiness safety and security of knowing that you can give your heart and soul and get the same in return. Because of your empathy the risks are higher for sure...but so are the rewards.

Dont let your suspicion be your down fall. Dont build walls that others cant break down or will give up trying to break down. Dont prevent yourself from being the truly happy contented soul that you deserve to be...

Take your time, use your judgment, your inner guidance to tell you who is right for you. Dont settle...theres no need. You dont have to compromise or feel uneasy with someone that you cant trust...you are better than that.

But make sure you leave the door ajar far enough that the person whos out there looking for you, the one who can truly see you for the beautiful soul that you are, the one who wants to know the real you...make sure he can see in. Make sure he can get in.

Its your hands...trust in yourself as much as you want to trust in others...you're worth it.

 

[racer2438]

What you are feeling is very normal. Mainly because BETRAYAL is the worst pain to get from some you love. It is so hard to forgive. But it sounds like there were alot of trust issues. I think the key to have a relationship that is going to last, you gotta have commnuication first, and through out. With out this the rest is never going to build it self a good foundation. 5 months is not a very long time yet although it did allow you to see some faults early. But we all have faults, Depending on what he did and if you still wwant ea other then go and have a very private peacefull talk, but talk to ea other.

relationships do work and are work to keep going . My b/f and I are on our 23rd yr together and I would not trade for the world to be with anyone else ever.

 

[cruz555]

When we were breaking up he said that it was likely for the best, because it was getting to the point where he felt he couldn't do anything without me because he thought that I would get paranoid and suspicious of him.

That's a really nice cop out. Don't buy it. You obviously weren't just paranoid if he DID end up being a liar. It's called instincts and don't forget that you WERE right after all. It wasn't for nothing. Looks like it's his fault and not the other way around, so don't let it mess with your head so much and don't try to find your faults.

 

[Riverrick]

Unfortunately, people who are hooked on drugs have a very distorted life. They lie very easily and themselves believe their lies. Their drug dependency seeps into their relationships and stifles their self-growth.

Its a sad situation for the people caught in this scenario and barring rehab the relationship is probably doomed.

The one piece of advice I would give is to ask yourself whether you played a role in being attracted to someone with a drug dependency. What I'm talking about here is the issue of co-dependence. I think its important that you look at this with your eyes wide open if you want to avoid making this mistake again. Good luck!