Breaking up!

[Soulless]

I have been with my current boyfriend for almost two years and we been living together for the last 8 months. I love him, living with him has been great and I would like to spend my life with someone like him; however, I have come to the conclusion that I'm only 21 years old, and a relationship at this point in my life requires time, money and energy that would be better spend on my studies, my job and my personal growth. I know it probably sounds cynical, but I'm young and I have plenty of time to be in a relationship later in life.

I'm not asking for you to comment on my reason for breaking up (but please feel free to do so; I like to hear what you guys have to say), but rather on the how. It is the first time I'm breaking up with someone I live with and I want to make it as painless as possible for him. So far I have been planning to move out on October; I would get a new place lined up and then have the break up talk with him right before moving out. I am of course planning and saving to pay for the rent for October and maybe even November, which would give him enough time to find a roommate. One of the reasons for this is that we agreed that if we broke up, I would be the one moving out regardless of the situation.

My main concern is that moving out with such little notice would be too much of a shock, but I want to avoid having to live together for too long after the talk (me staying with friends or family is not an option). I do like him a lot and would like to keep him as a friend after an appropriate time for each of us to get over our feelings for each other.

I will appreciate any comments and/or suggestions you have.

 

[altlover85]

I have some questions.

Where are you getting the money to move out and find a new place? Are you working?

Why is breaking up the only option if this guy is similar to someone you feel you could spend the rest of your life with?

I wouldn't necessarily expect to be friends with this guy after the breakup. I feel like he's going to be blindsided by this.

 

[Soulless]

I have some questions.

Where are you getting the money to move out and find a new place? Are you working?

Yes, I a well paying job, and money is not an issue at all.

Why is breaking up the only option if this guy is similar to someone you feel you could spend the rest of your life with?

What other options are there if the problem is that I don't want to be in a relationship at all?

I wouldn't necessarily expect to be friends with this guy after the breakup. I feel like he's going to be blindsided by this.

Yeah, that is one of my main concerns. It also doesn't help that I have been trying to be extra nice to leave him with some good memories; I don't know how well this will work :/

 

[altlover85]

I guess it just sounded to me like it was a right guy, wrong time situation, so I thought there might be something salvageable. If you guys are meant to be you'll come back together at some point in time.

As far as the good memories thing goes, I suppose it's better than being a jerk, but if you're being inauthentic then I have to question why you just don't break up now, especially if money is no issue.

 

[KaraBulut]

A relationship (especially a 2 year cohabitating relationship) is supposed to be a partnership. And part of the point of a relationship is having someone to help you through stressful times.

You've decided what is best for you. You haven't made an attempt to discuss the issue with him and try to work out a compromise other than breaking up and moving out.

Why not have a talk with him and tell him how stressed you feel about school, work and all the things in your life? Try to come up with a solution together. The outcome may be the same, but at least you've discussed it and given him the respect that he deserves as someone who has invested 2 years of his life with you.

 

[CHUCK905]

Agree with most of the advice above.
The being "extra nice so he'll have some good memories" bit bothers me, and will likely blow up in your face. Since you're setting him up to be blind sighted as you've been preparing to move on behind his back while you're being "extra nice." is not so nice really. Better to be a jerk and move on, I think.

My bandaid theory of break-ups. Is it better to rip it off in one painful tug? Or to slowly peel it off pulling out one painful hair at a time? I usually go with the first.

 

[rareboy]

Oh for God's sakes.

Invite him out to a restaurant so that he can't make a scene, tell him it is you not him and that you need your own space.

Give him your share of the rent for two months and tell him that you want to remain good friends for the rest of your life.

And no matter how it all turns out, don't complain and never try to get him to take you back.

 

[Hot White Trash]

I actually appreciate you sharing this with me (us) because rarely do you get your side of a break-up. You usually here from the guy getting dumped.

That said, isn't it better for you to be honest with him right now? How can you be with someone for so long and now plot how to dump him? Be grown up about it and tell him what's going on in your head. Maybe he will agree with you. I don't even know the guy and think he deserves better than you are about to give him.

One more thing. That whole idea of "oh, I can find a good man later" is a real risk.

 

[altlover85]

I don't even know the guy and think he deserves better than you are about to give him.

One more thing. That whole idea of "oh, I can find a good man later" is a real risk.

I second this.

 

[backpacker]

I think you are sugar coating the state of your relationship. If things were as wonderful as you say, you wouldn't want out. You can do all the things listed while still in the relationship. Therefore I think you need to explore what is wrong in the relationship and determine if it's worth fixing. If you have definitely made up you mind to end the relationship, you should have a heart to heart with him now. It may be a little awkward living together in September, but at least you won't be setting him for a big fall. If you wait, I wouldn't expect him to ever want to be your friend.

 

[Fucker29]

If I had a boyfriend and he had done something like this to me, I would never want to see him again...not ever! The way you're doing things is cruel and very coward-like. So you're trying to give him good memories only to kick him in the ass all the way to the door and then slam it? How noble of you...


As others have said, you're being too radical. Just talk to him about it. Who knows? Maybe he feels the same way you do or maybe he's willing to compromise and find a way to make it work without the "serious relationship" type of pressure.


Honestly, I think it's obvious you started this relationship without experimenting for some time with other people and now you're suffocating, wondering what could be out there for you...this is very common and understandable but you need to proceed with caution and tact because you ARE dealing with someone else's feelings!
TALK TO HIM ABOUT THE WAY YOU'RE FEELING!!! T-A-L-K T-O H-I-M!!!!!!!!!!!

And then people wonder why relationships don't work. Well, if you can't communicate and have an open dialogue with your partner, how can you possibly hope to make things work out?
Don't be a heartless coward and just talk to the guy about this...he deserves THAT, not some pseudo-"good memories" to "easen the pain". Such BS!!!

 

[DeMan06]

ok, I could be completely wrong here.... but I would guess there's 1 of 2 things going on here (or maybe both)

1. it sounds to me like you've basically been in this relationship since you were 18/19. Now I'm guessing you never really got the chance to experience the "bachelor" side (AKA slutty side/sew your oats) of being single. You're probably seeing some of your friends experience this and feel like you'd rather have that than what being in a relationship (AKA, the grass is greener on the other side).

Basically this means you want to date around/have sex with other peeps.... so your choice would be either an open relationship or to end the relationship; either way he deserves an upfront conversation of how you're feeling and where you can go from here

2. The other possibility of why you don't want to be in a relationship is maybe you are spending to much time together. You go to school and work, so you probably only have a couple nights off a week.... do you guys always spend this time together? If so maybe you could make it so one of those days you guys spend it apart (ie go hang out with your friends separately).

The reason I'm tossing these out there is you say you love him, but don't want to put the energy into the relationship... this has to stem from something so you should probably figure out exactly what it's stemming from. If it's something that can be accommodate within the relationship then I think it's worth trying to do (IMO love isn't something to just be thrown away like a used cum rag).

If you truly do want to end the relationship then he deserves some warning as to how you're feeling. Not just sitting him down one day and basically saying "I'm moving out tomorrow/this weekend. That's shitty and he deserves more than that.

 

[altlover85]

DeMan06 makes some great points that are worth considering.

 

[justsimon]

I think you're going to regret this.

 

[evanrick]

my cats breath smells like cat food.

 

[Soulless]

I actually appreciate you sharing this with me (us) because rarely do you get your side of a break-up. You usually here from the guy getting dumped.

That said, isn't it better for you to be honest with him right now? How can you be with someone for so long and now plot how to dump him? Be grown up about it and tell him what's going on in your head. Maybe he will agree with you. I don't even know the guy and think he deserves better than you are about to give him.

I wouldn't call it plotting; I'm just waiting for the right time for both of us. Actually the waiting is more for him than for me since he has too much in his plate right now.

One more thing. That whole idea of "oh, I can find a good man later" is a real risk.

Now that's the kind of thinking that makes people settle for semi-happy relationships. I'm only 21; I am sure I'll meet guys as good or better than my current boyfriend.

ok, I could be completely wrong here.... but I would guess there's 1 of 2 things going on here (or maybe both)

1. it sounds to me like you've basically been in this relationship since you were 18/19. Now I'm guessing you never really got the chance to experience the "bachelor" side (AKA slutty side/sew your oats) of being single. You're probably seeing some of your friends experience this and feel like you'd rather have that than what being in a relationship (AKA, the grass is greener on the other side).

Basically this means you want to date around/have sex with other peeps.... so your choice would be either an open relationship or to end the relationship; either way he deserves an upfront conversation of how you're feeling and where you can go from here

Actually I've been dating him since the day after I turned 20, and the yeah the exploring part has something to do with it; I have had sex with 23 guys, so it not so much the sex, but perhaps the dating part since I only really had 2 other boyfriends. We talked about an open relationship, but if it happened it would be very restrictive and the only interaction with other guys would be pretty much only sex.

2. The other possibility of why you don't want to be in a relationship is maybe you are spending to much time together. You go to school and work, so you probably only have a couple nights off a week.... do you guys always spend this time together? If so maybe you could make it so one of those days you guys spend it apart (ie go hang out with your friends separately).

We spend plenty of time apart. We have our own friends (and some shared one), gone on trips on our own, and have a two br apartment in case we need our own space.

I think you're going to regret this.

And I think that's plain dramatic.

my cats breath smells like cat food.

Thank you! I completely understand your metaphor. It is obvious this relationship is not working for me, just like it is obvious that a cat's breath would smell like cat food, then the only logical outcome should be to end it. Or perhaps you are being silly and I'm reading too much into it.

 

[altlover85]

I wouldn't call it plotting; I'm just waiting for the right time for both of us. Actually the waiting is more for him than for me since he has too much in his plate right now.

Now that's the kind of thinking that makes people settle for semi-happy relationships. I'm only 21; I am sure I'll meet guys as good or better than my current boyfriend.

I would end it ASAP, but you don't seem to want to do that so when would be a good time to break up with him?

I know I wouldn't want to be with you if that's the way you thought about me.

 

[Soulless]

I talked to him yesterday. Turns out he had been thinking about ending it as well. After discussing the matter we decided we should give an almost completely open relationship a shot, which he had said before he wouldn't do but changed his mind since.

So we are pretty much going to try to have our cake and eat it.

 

[altlover85]

Souless, I'm hoping that you both talked about some of the things others have mentioned about open relationships, such as rules and boundaries?

 

[altlover85]

I think most people would define cheating as a violation of the parameters set up by a couple. If the couple decided they want to be open then sex with others is not cheating.

I agree with you about the fact that the relationship wasn't in good shape though. Especially since Souless said that his bf was thinking of breaking up with him.