I don't know where my life is going. I just want to get to my fucking destination; because this feeling that I am feeling fucking sucks. And you can only know this feeling if your life is off track, or you have yet to align with the Universe.
I don't know what to do.
Life is fucking weird right now... I AM the boy that wanted a guy to worship me... I got my wish, but I regret wishing for it in the first place. I am fucked up in the head.
He brought me 3 red roses on Friday night. NO ONE has ever given me flowers before. This guy is willing to do anything I want or say without question. I give him very little - emotionally - and he is ever so grateful...so loyal. Like a dog. And the thing is.... I don't want a dog. I want a boyfriend. An equal. A partner, in life.
We communicate very well. We have tons of shit on common. Our tastes are similar, and our life could be pretty awesome, but... part of me, just isn't invested. I've never met anyone who is as nice to me, as he is. I really wanted to be in a relationship like this...for a long time... but there is something missing. Something is not quite fitting. I don't think I am in love with him.
So... I am debating. Should I get out now, before he invests more time, love, and energy... or should I give it more time... I am at a loss. I have no idea what to do.
I have decided that I don't want to go to Las Vegas with my coworker this weekend. I really just want to go shopping around town... ALONE!
I think that's what makes me happy right now. Yah know what? Maybe I met this guy for a reason... Maybe the Universe was trying to teach me that being alone, is okay...
I don't know how my coworker will react, but fuck... i don't really care.
scratch that... she just came into my office... I don't think I'll be able to get out of going... fuck. oh well... one weekend down the shitter.
It's my fault for saying YES... I am saying NO to everyone and everything from now on. NO NO NO NO NO is my new favorite word.
Maybe I'll get shit-faced in Las Vegas and hook up with someone. that might get my mind off shit. That's my problem... my mind doesn't STFU. It's always on... always going. I don't know why. But lately... I hate it... It's been hard for me to focus on a lot of things... writing is the only thing that helps me. It doesn't quite my mind completely, but it does silent my thoughts a little bit.
My friend annika said: I have an explanation for your reaction. I had a boyfriend once who did everything for me. The thing was just the same as with you and your ex: we weren't equal. Now listen, everybody needs a partner that is EQUALLY STRONG as him or her. It is incredibly difficult to find someone that is just as strong as you. Of course, there are many other factors that are important in a relationship, but this is one of the main factors. You know, as soon as one partner is weaker than the other, BOTH will get unhappy or unsatisfied at one point or another. I have always had a thing for nice guys. But most of them are pussies. I didn't want to be the one always in charge. I want a partner, just as you. Now, I am so happy to say that I have found my match. I realize every day how well it does me and him and our relationship that he can "stand up to me". At the same time, he is very kind, AND he knows what he wants and stands up for that. There are guys out there who are kind AND strong. Those are real men.
xoxo
----
ugh
I don't know what to do.
Life is fucking weird right now... I AM the boy that wanted a guy to worship me... I got my wish, but I regret wishing for it in the first place. I am fucked up in the head.
He brought me 3 red roses on Friday night. NO ONE has ever given me flowers before. This guy is willing to do anything I want or say without question. I give him very little - emotionally - and he is ever so grateful...so loyal. Like a dog. And the thing is.... I don't want a dog. I want a boyfriend. An equal. A partner, in life.
We communicate very well. We have tons of shit on common. Our tastes are similar, and our life could be pretty awesome, but... part of me, just isn't invested. I've never met anyone who is as nice to me, as he is. I really wanted to be in a relationship like this...for a long time... but there is something missing. Something is not quite fitting. I don't think I am in love with him.
So... I am debating. Should I get out now, before he invests more time, love, and energy... or should I give it more time... I am at a loss. I have no idea what to do.
I have decided that I don't want to go to Las Vegas with my coworker this weekend. I really just want to go shopping around town... ALONE!
I think that's what makes me happy right now. Yah know what? Maybe I met this guy for a reason... Maybe the Universe was trying to teach me that being alone, is okay...
I don't know how my coworker will react, but fuck... i don't really care.
scratch that... she just came into my office... I don't think I'll be able to get out of going... fuck. oh well... one weekend down the shitter.
It's my fault for saying YES... I am saying NO to everyone and everything from now on. NO NO NO NO NO is my new favorite word.
Maybe I'll get shit-faced in Las Vegas and hook up with someone. that might get my mind off shit. That's my problem... my mind doesn't STFU. It's always on... always going. I don't know why. But lately... I hate it... It's been hard for me to focus on a lot of things... writing is the only thing that helps me. It doesn't quite my mind completely, but it does silent my thoughts a little bit.
My friend annika said: I have an explanation for your reaction. I had a boyfriend once who did everything for me. The thing was just the same as with you and your ex: we weren't equal. Now listen, everybody needs a partner that is EQUALLY STRONG as him or her. It is incredibly difficult to find someone that is just as strong as you. Of course, there are many other factors that are important in a relationship, but this is one of the main factors. You know, as soon as one partner is weaker than the other, BOTH will get unhappy or unsatisfied at one point or another. I have always had a thing for nice guys. But most of them are pussies. I didn't want to be the one always in charge. I want a partner, just as you. Now, I am so happy to say that I have found my match. I realize every day how well it does me and him and our relationship that he can "stand up to me". At the same time, he is very kind, AND he knows what he wants and stands up for that. There are guys out there who are kind AND strong. Those are real men.
xoxo
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ugh