Came Out on Natl Coming Out Day

[taiger65]

Hi, everyone, I'm new here, but I've read through a couple of the threads.

In observance of National Coming Out Day, I came out to my sister while I was driving and she was in the passenger seat. Here's a short transcript:

Me: Mi, I'm gay
Sis: Oh...
Me: It's National Coming Out Day. I haven't told anybody yet.
...
Me: Don't tell Johnny*
Sis: I won't
Me: Don't tell TAMMY*.
Sis: I WON'T
...
Sis: How do you know?
Me: I dont know. I'm just not attracted to girls
...
Me: Everything that I was, I still am.
Sis: Yeah.
Me: I'm still the same, I won't be flaming like Jimmy.
Sis: No, don't be flaming like Johnny*!
...
Sis: Are you going to tell mom and dad?
Me: I'll tell mom first...eventually. I almost didn't wanna say it, but I didn't wanna keep it a secret forever.

*Names changed. Johnny is one of her best friends, and he's gay, but he does get on her nerves a lot. Tammy is another one of her friends, and cousin to Johnny, who gossips a lot.

After telling her, I felt like I shouldn't have. It feels like I've just strained our relationship. I know she tried to sound accepting, but I feel like maybe I've just ruined something. One of her best friends is gay, but as Tammy has said before, no matter how accepting you are of gays, it's completely different and weird when you find out a sibling or a cousin is gay. My chest feels so tight, like I just got the wind knocked out of me. Help!

 

[Centexfarmer]

It will get better.

You might want to hold off telling any one else right away, so that you can deal with this one first.

It get's better! You're probably just feeling a little insecure right now, because you've never done anything like this before.

There are a lot of really great guys here to support you!

The best advice that I ever got? "Don't forget to Breath!"

 

[Roland00]

It will take some time for her to be come back to normal. What you did was cause her to relook at you froma viewpoint that she never consider before. You challenged her perspective of life, her viewpoint.

The best thing you can do is act like nothing has changed, once she realizes that your relationship will be the same or better.

 

[M4P]

Give her some time to process things. Remember, it took you a long time to come to grips with your sexuality - she deserves the same. She'll come around and once she does it might be time to approach your mother.

Good luck and congratulations on taking a giant step!

 

[halubtsi]

Sounds a bit familiar taiphoon. Except, change Mi to Mom & Dad. You said you didn't know how you knew you were gay? I'd suggest taking the time to start getting to know yourself better. You've admitted that you're gay to someone else, but have you completely accepted it? The reason I ask is because when I came out to my parents in 2002, I hadn't accepted the fact that I was gay. I acknowledged that I was gay, but I refused to accept the reality of being gay. In other words, I was going to continue to pretend that I was straight.

When I told my parents, I didn't feel a weight being lifted off my shoulders. In fact, I felt very much like the way you are currently feeling. When I came out fully on November 10, 2005, that's when I felt the weight lift. So what changed between 2002 and 2005? In October 2005, I started to accept myself and realized that being gay wasn't something to be ashamed of. I had to come out to myself and accept myself for who I was. I mean, how can you feel loved and accepted by others, if you don't love and accept yourself?

And don't worry too much about your sister. Like the others have mentioned, she has a lot to process. She may not know what to say right now, but it should be alright in the end. I can talk more openly about gay related topics with my sisters now, then before. But I can see that it makes them somewhat uncomfortable. But let's face it, it's their baby brother who's talking about good looking guys and having a boyfriend. Behind all of that they know there is a sexual basis to what I'm talking about.

Good-luck taiphoon, and please keep us posted.

 

[taiger65]

Thanks for the feedback. It's really helpful to hear those reassuring words.

Maybe you're right, halubtsi, but I don't know what else to do. Nobody else knows yet, and I don't feel like I can let anyone know right now. I was going to tell a girl friend tonight when a little group of us went out, but we were having so much fun that I didn't feel like it was the right moment. I felt like I needed to tell each of them one-by-one, and only in a situation where they'll be able to actually hear what I'm saying to them.

The worst part is that I'll probably never have kids, my parents won't have grandkids from me, our family name won't go on. I'm scared that they have these expectations (they never said so, but I know they do), and I'll shatter them by telling them that I'm gay.

 

[taiger65]

I really feel like I want to tell some other friends right now, but considering these terrible emotions that I'm having after I told my sister, I don't know if I can handle anymore at the moment. Waiting is the only other option, but even waiting hurts.

 

[halubtsi]

Fair enough, don't beat yourself up about it, though. When I first started to really come out, I would do it in small groups. 1-3 people at a time. But, I planned in advance to tell my friends, since I was living so far away from them at the time. It was really a "now or never" type of situation. Telling a whole group at once may be a bit too much, but telling one or two friends at a time should be a little less stressful. I've come out in the car, the living room, a hotel room, a cafe, a pub, a restaurant, on the porch, in a coatcheck, walking to the gym, through e-mail, Instant messenger and over the phone. In all these cases, I told them either individually or in a very small group.

I'm sorry that you feel that you can't have kids. However, you always have the option to adopt children. That is most likely the route that I'm going to go. There's also the option of finding a surrogate mother. I mean, this may seem like a bit much to ask, but once you get married to a man, you might be able to ask your sister if she'd be a surrogate for you and your husband? The family name need not end with you. And try not to worry about your family's expectations too much. My family had huge expectations for me, in terms of marriage and having a family of my own. I was the golden boy of the family, so naturally, I had to have the perfect life. They say that as long as I'm happy, they will be too.

Did my parents' dreams get shattered? Yes. I wasn't going to have the perfect showcase wife and I wasn't going to have a traditional family of my own. But, I had to look at things objectively. As much as I love my parents, I know that they're not going to be around forever. I had to ask these questions of myself. Should I sacrifice my happiness for theirs? If I was straight, would I have to? So, why should I sacrifice my happiness just because I'm gay? Why should I punish myself for something that I did not choose?

So, I needed to do some major soul searching. In the end, I realized that I can't live to please my parents. I need to live my own life and fulfill my own dreams. And though my parents' dreams were ruined by my revelation, they moved on and continue to love and support me.

As for waiting, I think that might be best...but don't sit idle while you wait. Visit these sites and read them. I found that they helped me tremendously.

http://www.apa.org/topics/orientation.html

http://www.apa.org/pi/lgbc/publications/justthefacts.html

This one I just discovere a few months ago, after I had already come out, but still a good read, especially if your parents are religious.
http://familyacceptance.org/

Also, keep posting and talking to us. There are so many Jubbers that can offer great insights, as you've already seen.

 

[BrandonSBCA]

Congratulations.

 

[taiger65]

Thanks, halubtsi. Your support is really helpful. I can't stress that enough. The part that really had an impace was this:

So, I needed to do some major soul searching.

It's the soul searching. I wish I could meet someone in my town that were gay. Not necessarily a romantic relationship, but at least someone I could talk to. I think that would really help my 'soul-searching'.

In the end, I realized that I can't live to please my parents. I need to live my own life and fulfill my own dreams. And though my parents' dreams were ruined by my revelation, they moved on and continue to love and support me.

I don't know if I ever can tell my parents while I'm living with them. This weird feeling with my sis is sure to be a thousand times greater with my parents. I know they love me, but I also know the heartbreak I could cause for them.

 

[halubtsi]

I wish I could meet someone in my town that were gay. Not necessarily a romantic relationship, but at least someone I could talk to. I think that would really help my 'soul-searching'.

I'm not sure where you live, but if you live in fairly large city, ie. 100,000+ there should be some gay support groups that you could go and check out. And I agree that talking about it with someone can help. That's what JUB did for me.

I don't know if I ever can tell my parents while I'm living with them. This weird feeling with my sis is sure to be a thousand times greater with my parents. I know they love me, but I also know the heartbreak I could cause for them.

Hmm...yeah, living with your parents could make things complicated. I told my parents when I was already living 800km away from them. But, I did have to move back in with them for 4 months this past summer. What made a huge difference for me, is that I was comfortable with myself. They could also see that I was happy and at peace. This takes time to develop, but talking about it with others does tend to help, imo.

 

[Riverrick]

Hang in there taiphoon. It will get easier. Remember that your sister is going to know you as a gay man the entire rest of your life. Its worth a little discomfort on your part right now to be out and truthful with her for so many years in the future.

halubtsi has covered everything else very thoroughly. Good luck!

 

[taiger65]

Thanks, you guys. I was about to tell another friend today, which would be the second person, but I felt the rush of anxiety come back, the same feeling as I had before, and chickened out. I do feel like everything's getting better with my sister, though. She's acting exactly the same as before I told her, so at least it seems like she's accepted it. I'm sure she has tons of questions though, and I'm still not ready for those yet. Even though I did chicken out, I think I'm making a little progress though. ^^

 

[Centexfarmer]

You're doing alright. ^

Before long you'll come to understand the difference between "anxiety" and your intuition on when it's prudent to come out.

See there, and you didn't even know that's what you're doing!

 

[halubtsi]

taiphoon, you're doing fine. This isn't a race or anything. You choose to come out because you want to. I sense urgency in coming out on your part, but I'm not sure why. Do you want to come out to your friends, or do you feel an obligation to tell them? For me, I felt obligated to tell them, but I also wanted to tell them. I had come to terms with being gay and I wanted to start "living." I was going to start living my life with or without them, depending on how they took the news. Of course, I hoped that they'd have no problems with it, but there was always that little bit of doubt in the back of my mind.

As for finding the right time to tell them...well, it's quite elusive, since there is never a right time. I remember the drive with my bro to the grocery store when I told him. The first 30 seconds I was in the car alone with my bro, my mind was in overdrive. So many thoughts were going through my head that it honestly felt like I was in a crowded room with a dozen conversations going on at once. I almost decided not to tell him, then I remembered that I had decided that if I happened to get my bro alone, I'd come out to him. So, the silence in the car (and the noise in my head) was broken with: "I've got something to tell you..." Once you utter those words, there's no turning back...You tell them you're dropping out of school, you're joining the priesthood, you're getting married or that you're gay. But my bro was really supportive. He didn't act differently and I was able to be really open with him. I hope that your sister will be the ally to support you in your family.

And to answer your sister's questions, you're going to need to know yourself really well. Know what it is you want. Try to determine how you know that you're gay and for how long you've known. Know why you didn't tell your sister sooner. (Usually, it's the follow-up question to 'how long have you known?') And yes, there will be some personal questions in there too..."have you been with anyone?" I don't know your sister, but older generations may say: "If you've never had sex with a man/woman, how do you know you're gay?" Ridiculous question I know, but it is asked.

Anyway buddy, take a deep breath and slow down. When you're ready to come out, just jump in and go for it. But take the time to prepare yourself mentally before you take the plunge. Good-luck!

 

[taiger65]

I sense urgency in coming out on your part, but I'm not sure why. Do you want to come out to your friends, or do you feel an obligation to tell them? For me, I felt obligated to tell them, but I also wanted to tell them. I had come to terms with being gay and I wanted to start "living."

That's exactly what I want. I want to be able to "start living", as so many outed people have put it. Hearing all this talk about a new life after coming out is what makes me want to come out. I really want to begin my new life, before I get to old. It'll happen soon, I hope.

As for finding the right time to tell them...well, it's quite elusive, since there is never a right time. I remember the drive with my bro to the grocery store when I told him. The first 30 seconds I was in the car alone with my bro, my mind was in overdrive. So many thoughts were going through my head that it honestly felt like I was in a crowded room with a dozen conversations going on at once. I almost decided not to tell him, then I remembered that I had decided that if I happened to get my bro alone, I'd come out to him. So, the silence in the car (and the noise in my head) was broken with: "I've got something to tell you..." Once you utter those words, there's no turning back...

lol, this story is so true for me too. My heart was racing as I read it.

Try to determine how you know that you're gay and for how long you've known. Know why you didn't tell your sister sooner. (Usually, it's the follow-up question to 'how long have you known?') And yes, there will be some personal questions in there too..."have you been with anyone?" I don't know your sister, but older generations may say: "If you've never had sex with a man/woman, how do you know you're gay?" Ridiculous question I know, but it is asked.

I guess here is a good place to start thinking about this. I think I've known since middle school, but I remember having crushes on guys as far back as the 4th grade, but I was then too young to think about gayness or straightness.

I know I'm gay because I just know. At the moment, there's no question in my mind that I'm attracted to guys and not girls, but that wasn't always the case. The reason I've kept it a secret for so long was because I thought I could be bi. No, I hoped I could be bi. There were some times when I'd think a girl was hot, but it never did it for me. I was just lying to myself. I've never had sex with a man or a woman, but once in a while, I'd think that maybe I'd change if I were able to have those experiences. Just once in a while.

Recently, though, I've looked at gay sex very negatively. It's not that I hate the idea. I think it's because I'm feeling so lonely that sex is not my top priority. I dream about having a companion, someone to love that will love me back. Sorry if my post is messy. My mind is running through so many thoughts right now.

 

[halubtsi]

That's exactly what I want. I want to be able to "start living", as so many outed people have put it. Hearing all this talk about a new life after coming out is what makes me want to come out. I really want to begin my new life, before I get to old. It'll happen soon, I hope.

Yes, the new life after coming out is one that feels liberating. However, it all depends on how you come out. Like someone mentioned a while ago, there are two comings out...one internal and the other external. The Internal coming out is by far the most important because it is when you begin accepting yourself fully and you stop being ashamed of this part of you. When I came out to myself, I felt the desire to tell my friends shortly thereafter. And once you start coming out, you need to stop thinking about it. If you accept that your other friends will find out, and you just let go...that's when the feeling is liberating. Otherwise, your mind still feels like it has to hide. So, telling your friends that you're gay, but swearing them to secrecy may not feel as liberating. I say this because, if you swear them to secrecy, then it shows that you still care about your sexuality...It's still a source of shame, one that has to be kept secret. In my case, I didn't swear them to secrecy and a few them were waiting for me to say "please, don't tell anyone!" But I never said it, so they asked me if they could tell other friends. I knew that my friends would use discretion anyway.

I think I've known since middle school, but I remember having crushes on guys as far back as the 4th grade, but I was then too young to think about gayness or straightness.

You can start to notice gay tendencies and patterns in hindsight, eh? Same here...But at the time, I had no idea either.

I know I'm gay because I just know. At the moment, there's no question in my mind that I'm attracted to guys and not girls, but that wasn't always the case. The reason I've kept it a secret for so long was because I thought I could be bi. No, I hoped I could be bi. There were some times when I'd think a girl was hot, but it never did it for me. I was just lying to myself. I've never had sex with a man or a woman, but once in a while, I'd think that maybe I'd change if I were able to have those experiences. Just once in a while.

I totally relate to this, because I was the same way. For the longest time, I didn't think that I was gay, because I didn't fit the media's stereotypes of how a gay man was supposed to act. As for having sex, I'm still a virgin, yet I know that I'm gay because I'm sexually attracted to men. And I believed that if I went out with good looking women, I'd be, at the very least, bi. But there has to be some sexual attraction to the opposite sex if you're going to be truly bi...and that was markedly absent from my experiences.

Recently, though, I've looked at gay sex very negatively. It's not that I hate the idea. I think it's because I'm feeling so lonely that sex is not my top priority. I dream about having a companion, someone to love that will love me back.

Hmm...maybe you can explain what you mean, when you say that you see gay sex negatively? I can honestly say that sex isn't one of my priorities, but I'm not feeling lonely. Sex just has never been that important to me. I'm more concerned with having a meaningful relationship, than losing my virginity. So, I relate to your desire in finding someone to love, who'll love you back. And you will find that companion, I'm sure of it.

 

[taiger65]

If you accept that your other friends will find out, and you just let go...that's when the feeling is liberating. Otherwise, your mind still feels like it has to hide. So, telling your friends that you're gay, but swearing them to secrecy may not feel as liberating.

Yeah, I'm beginning to understand that.

Hmm...maybe you can explain what you mean, when you say that you see gay sex negatively? I can honestly say that sex isn't one of my priorities, but I'm not feeling lonely. Sex just has never been that important to me. I'm more concerned with having a meaningful relationship, than losing my virginity. So, I relate to your desire in finding someone to love, who'll love you back. And you will find that companion, I'm sure of it.

Well, after I came out, I just felt so lonely. I was obsessed about finding someone (and I even started crushing obsessing on this one guy. I think he's gay. I hope I'm not wrong). At that point, thinking about stuff like porn and sex just started disgusting me. I don't know how to explain it. It's like the oh-so-prominent sex-crazed part of the gay community made me feel like there was nobody out there that would want a meaningful relationship (I know it's not true, but sometimes, when you feel like how I'm feeling, it's hard to believe it).

 

[halubtsi]

Well, after I came out, I just felt so lonely. I was obsessed about finding someone (and I even started crushing obsessing on this one guy. I think he's gay. I hope I'm not wrong). At that point, thinking about stuff like porn and sex just started disgusting me. I don't know how to explain it. It's like the oh-so-prominent sex-crazed part of the gay community made me feel like there was nobody out there that would want a meaningful relationship (I know it's not true, but sometimes, when you feel like how I'm feeling, it's hard to believe it).

Okay, I understand what you mean now. When I was "in love" with a guy, I had no libido. I was fantasizing about spending time with the guy, cuddling and doing all that "romantic" stuff with him. So, the desire to look at porn dwindled, since my mind was wanting something more substantive than just getting off. As for me, I felt desperately lonely last year, when I came out. I lived in a remote area of New Brunswick and my friends were at least 3 hours away. (And most of my friends were between 8 and 16 hours away) I was definitely feeling lonely last year. But after I came out to my friends, I felt that they were always with me. So, when I moved back to Windsor and then Ottawa, I actually stopped feeling alone. I mean, I'm surrounded by friends and family who love me. I can't ask for more than that. So, I'm not obsessing with finding a boyfriend. I'm just content in knowing that he's out there somewhere, and I will be with him someday. Forever the optimist, I know. lol.

 

[taiger65]

I'm planning on coming out to my second person, a female friend of mine. I feel like since she's the only girl I consider one of my best friends, she's probably my closest, emotionally.

The guys are gonna be a bit harder. They're all pretty liberal, so I'm not so scared that they're gonna hate gays, I'm just scared at how they'll react when they find out that this straight guy has been gay all along, and they've been talking about hot girls with him all this time and he didn't feel anything.

One of them is republican, though, who happens to be Filipino. He's Catholic and comes from a military family too, but he rarely goes to church, and he's probably the most considerate of others among my friends. Any guess about how he'll react?

Special thanks to you, halubtsi, for listening to me this whole time. I think I'm getting everything together. After that first step, I think everything else is gonna be so much easier, I think, I hope. You're my hero. <3