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came out to best male friend...but he acts weird now

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mofoka69

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Well I recently came out to my best male friend. Before I told him that I was gay, I told him how much our friendship meant to me and that I wouldn't do anything ever to ruin it. And that in order for our friendship to grow even more, I would have to share with him a secret I've been holding on to. Then I told him. He was completely fine with it. And the rest of the day went as if nothing had actually happened (because other friends were around too). I even slept over at his house and again nothing seemed abnormal. But since then I came back to Ottawa (he lives in Montreal Quebec).

When I came back, the day after, I sent him an e-mail telling him that he could ask any questions that he felt he needed answers to. He sent me back an e-mail telling me how he needed to figure things out for himself and to think about decisions made and actions taken. And that he would answer me when he has the time.

Maybe I am just being a little paranoid, but since he hasn't spoken to me (even though we used to play this online game every night) and no e-mail (it has been a week) and even when he's on MSN he ignores me when I talk to him.

Is it just me or is something really weird? What do you guys think I should do or not do? And can anyone try and guess what is actually bothering him when he told me that it did not bother him that I was gay?

Confused and worried
 
I think you've done what you need to do. Remember, you've had several years to come to grips with your sexuality, and he's had about a week. I think he'll be fine with it eventually. Just give him time. If you find an occasion to contact him that does NOT involve your sexuality - news for him, or a fun story to share - feel free to e-mail him with that.

Lex
 
I agree, if I were you I would completely drop the subject now and let it go. After all, a straight guy would never specifically tell his best friend that he is straight and then continue to bring up the subject whenever possible. So my reccomendation is to just drop the subject totally unless he asks you something about being gay. You've done the right thing by coming out to him because you felt that was important for you to do, now forget about it.
 
Thanx a lot guys! it did help, because I was actually thinking of making sure he was okay, when I should let him get his head around it until he gets comfortable.
Thanx again! :)
 
Ya i would let it go also and try to stop thinking that he does not like you.
 
Just give him some Time. He seems to need to figure some things out, for himself.

Uh ... do you have "feelings" for him? Did you tell him if you do, or don't?? If he's Str8 ... he may be taking the time to figure out if You are a "threat".

If you truly aren't a "threat" to him, I would make that extremely clear to him, before he thinks himself away from you.

I'm not saying that's the case! But, you didn't give us a lot of information in that regard.

If I were You, I might make an effort to totally clarify where you "stand" with him, no matter what that might be. And, let Him know that whatever he may feel, in return, is absolutely "fine" with You!

Of course ... no matter what ... seriously ...

Keep smilin'!! :kiss:(*8*)
Chaz ;)
 
I guess I could go in to a little bit more detail.

i started coming out to friends since the end of last year (2008) and everyone so far had been super supportive, although they do not know how to support me because I am the first gay person in their surrounding. Since everything was going so smooth, and all the other friends (mostly girls and my younger brother) were cool with it I decided to come out to him.

On the day I told him he was fine. And as an update, he is talking to me again, but I feel that there is something wrong. But anyways, I do have feelings for him. All my friends are telling me to put that aside, because the last thing a straight friend needs to know is that a gay friend has feelings for him. I did not tell him my feelings, just that he is a very valuable friend to me.

But I am following what was suggested to me previously. I am just acting normal, and so is he. But like I said before (and it is not just my imagination) there is something off in the way we interact (and it is not a bad thing) he is nicer to me, listens a little more and it seems like he is putting priority on me over others. But I don't know what's wrong because he is not telling me that. And that is what is scaring me.

Thanx for the advise and the reading. It feels good to have opinions of fellow gays :)
 
You opened up to him, and he seems to have taken it as an opportunity to be closer friends and there for you (you said he's putting you over others)...

what's 'wrong' with this?
 
At least he didn't suggest therapy, like my best friend did with me.
 
he is nicer to me, listens a little more and it seems like he is putting priority on me over others.
Click to expand...

just let this continue and hopefully you can become better friends and he'll let you in on what's wrong if in fact there is anything wrong
 
Given a little time, I think everything will fine. I'm glad to hear that you guys are talking again. Conversations may be a little awkward until he realizes that you are the same guy that he has always known. Just act like you always do and things will get back to normal before you know it.
 
Why on earth would your being gay give him pause.... unless he were battling his own feelings with his sexuality?
 
lol, my other friends believe he IS gay. When I told my other friends I was gay, they told me that they would have expected my best friend to come out rather than me. And the e-mail he sent me only strengthened their suspicion.
 
For what it's worth....way back when, when I was first coming out, a very good friend of mine came out to me. You'd think it'd be a natural time for me to come out to him too, but I wasn't ready--I wasn't "out to myself" yet and didn't know how to say it or anything.

I did grow closer to him because I knew, on some level, we had more in common than he knew.

Eventually, I came out to him. In the process, I felt I needed to apologize for not coming out to him when he did to me but I didn't know how and wasn't ready. All he said was "I know" and changed the subject and we remain good friends to this day.
 
Sounds like he's gay to me and you coming out has put things in perspective for him. Those age-old, nonsense platitudes such as "I need time to figure this out..." etc from 'straight' friends are usually guises for them to compose themselves. Anyways, sounds like things are panning out nicely between you both. Keep us updated.
 
But on a good note, he bought us tickets (for just the both of us) for my favorite comedian. For just the two of us even though there are bunch of other friends who like him. So I'm excited bout it. I'll probably have a chance to talk to him about his weird e-mail. Well all in all everything is fine and I'll be more than happy even if he is just straight and we become better friends. :)
 
Dont put too much pressure on him to "talk" about things if he doesnt seem interested. Maybe he just needs time. I see a lot of guys on this board try to force issues that really dont need to be forced. Sometimes things take time to work out and trying to force something (either someone to talk or a relationship of some kind) upon someone makes it even more difficult for them to come to terms with. Just enjoy what you're able to do together now and dont try to force anything to happen or for him to make some big announcement that you're hoping for. Enjoy his company and thank him for being friends with you.
 
yah, you're right. I should really go slow mo on that. Well thanks for telling me. I get so excited on things I lose my usual down to earth thinking cap. Thank god you guys are here :)
 
It takes some people more time than others. When I came out some of my friends said it was perfectly okay and my relationships with them are stronger than ever.

That was NOT the case with the first person I told. It was pretty much like your story (except she's a girl, and I told her in private at school). She had a hard time getting used to it. For three months she wouldn't be my friend. Finally she came to accept it and even though she completely ignored me for that time we're good (though not BEST like we were) friends again.

If you haven't already done so, you may want to tell him that anything you may have done in the past with him did not constitute as hitting in him. My male best friend had that problem, which I already knew (which is why I came out to my female BFF first) because he had ended three friendships because he had been hit on by some of his gay friends. He's straight, but VERY feminine so a lot of people think he's gay and it annoys him. Because I knew this I told him immeadiatley, and everything went great.

But if your friend doesn't come to terms with it (which, unfortunately may be a possibility) know that he wasn't your real friend anyways. I'm sure most of us have been there. (*8*):goodluck
 
You've done what you need to do. Give him time, and he will come around. It may seem hard at first, but I'm sure that if your friendship is as strong as you say it is, then he won't let anything like this get in the way.

(I had the same problem when I had a huge crush on one of my guy friends, and I was scared to death to tell him. I carried the burden around for two years before I finally told him. I even told him that if he didn't want to be friends anymore, that was fine, even though it killed me. But in the end he said it was fine, that he still wanted to be friends with me, and that nothing had changed.)

Okay, sorry for that little off topic rant, but I just thought I'd share that and let you take from it what you will, mofoka69. Hope that helps a little. Keep your chin up. Try not to get too down.
 
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