Can I come out like this?

[Sammael]

I came out to my 2 best friends a few weeks ago. Now I'm wondering how I should come out completely. I don't want to make it a big deal so I don't want to tell everyone(family and friends) out of nowhere. I should probably tell a few close friends out of nowhere but can I come out by pretending that I'm already out? For example me and a few other friends(not very close) were playing chess at the chess club a few weeks ago. Somehow conversation changed and one of them said something about gay sex would be hard to hide in the city we live in. I could have said that "I do it already and noone noticed ".They would think that I'm joking at first but in a few minutes they would realize that I'm telling the truth. Is it ok to come out like that by acting as if I'm already out when I get opportunities to talk about it?

Another thing which I can't decide is whether I should come out as bisexual or gay. When I was below 20 years old(I'm 26 now) I was only interested in girls. I wouldn't say no to being top with a cute guy but I was only falling in love with girls and more than 90% of the time I masturbated I was thinking about girls. Now it's the opposite. Although I wouldn't say no to a girl, I can only fall in love with males and more than 95% of the time I masturbate, I'm thinking about males. And although I'm versatile, I mostly think about being bottom. I only had sex 2 times(I was the bottom both times) and I sucked 3 person's cock. But I think these statistics are mostly because girls don't like me and I've lost my faith in them. I mean I asked out a few girls in the past and got rejected all times. I'm not the type of person which girls like. My voice is a bit weird and high pitched. Also here in Turkey most girls are harder to get, which is why there are many girls and boys without a boy/girl friend. But it is very easy to find guys to have sex online. So if what matters is what I like when I come out, I should come out as bisexual. But if how I live is what matters, I should come out as gay because I only meet with guys and I only think about guys while masturbating(it's more realistic to think about guys cos I know that the girl I'm thinking about while masturbating wouldn't like me.) I also won't make any moves on girls since it's 100 times easier with guys online but still I wouldn't say no to a girl.

 

[DonDon]

I think you actually have a good handle on coming out. Sure it can make you feel really good to say to someone you care about, "I have to tell you something... I'm gay" and have a great conversation about it. But, as you go along in your life and you meet new people, you find that they eventually figure it out on their own and you don't need to make a big point about it. So really, you should do what comes naturally.

As far as your label goes. I'd pretty much say you're gay but open to new things. People never seem to understand that a gay person can mess around with a girl once in a blue moon and not feel the need to classify themselves as bi. Same as if a straight guy dates mostly women but every once in a while fools around with a buddy, does that make him gay or bi? No. He's just straight but open. I'd say if you like mostly men they be gay and happy. Then, if you find a girl you like and want to play with, do it without having any problems with it. Who cares what others think.

 

[Coffee]

Well forgive me if I'm too young and say anything not right...
I think that you've been thinking too much when & after masturbating!!! free your mind, think about whatever make you...
About coming out. I think that you just tell everyone that you're so into men, and want a love of a man. There's no need to make it clear you're bi or gay (even scientist couldn't know ). People may react just one way when you're either bi or gay. For my situation, I came out to my parents, 1 teacher and some friends. At first they thought that I need help, but I said no, I know myself. Then they hope I'll love a girl, this is just my "confused period", and I let them think anything they like. Why you're thinking too much about who you'll love. If that's a man, good, a girl, good too!!! Human are all beautiful. If you find someone has a lot in common, just go for it.

 

[backpacker]

Yes, you can come up the way you described. That's exactly how I did it.

If you come out in the way you mentioned, you probably don't need to assign a label to your sexuality. I tend to believe that there are many shades of gray between being totally straight and totally gay. I think most guys fall somewhere in between. It may be 90% straight and 10% gay, or vice versa. While anyone who has both attractions is technically bisexual, I tend to think of bisexual as being more of a balanced thing (i.e. 60/40, 50/50, or even 70/30). I would say based upon what you have written, I would go with the gay label if you feel you must have a label.

It's not unusual for guys in their teens to have such a deep rooted denial about having same sex attractions that they don't even come out to themselves. Sometimes they don't even realize that they could be gay because of the stereotypes they heard about gay guys. Those stereotypes don't fit them so they assume they are straight and pursue straight relationships. That was me. What you did as a teenager is not that relevant to your feelings today.

Don't worry too much about labels and just be yourself. Good luck!

 

[KaraBulut]

You don't say where in Turkey you live but unless you live in Bodrum or Istanbul, being openly gay is not at all like it is in the Western world. That's changing but given the current political climate, Turkish attitudes toward gay people are not going to be accepting.

You have a decision to make- not about what you label yourself but instead about what type of life you want to have.

Are you happy with online hook-ups? Do you want a relationship? Do you want a relationship with a guy or do you want a heterosexual marriage with a boyfriend on the side?

 

[Sammael]

I live in Kocaeli(Izmit). I know all the difficulties of being openly gay in Turkey but I'm not afraid of them. In the long run I want to be with one guy all my life and live with him like married couples. But it'll take a long time till I find someone who is very suitable for me so right now I hook up once in awhile.

 

[SonOfSlobone]

I agree that a casual approach is the right one with your friends. Just drop it into the conversation as if it were no big deal. They'll probably take their cue from you and be casual as well.

As for the whole debate about am I gay, am I bi -- gets complicated, doesn't it? I don't think you have to share all the details with your friends unless they're really interested. But you could certainly say "I'm bi" instead of "I'm gay" if you think that's more accurate.

 

[KaraBulut]

Yes, I know Izmit.

There is a need in Turkey for more out gay and bisexual people- those who aren't actors, singers or transvestites and those who aren't married but hanging out at the hammam.

Until recently, it seemed that being openly gay might be possible but the ritica changes in Turkey make me wonder if such a thing is possible. Gerici Turkiye is something that worries me- especially for gay people.

By the way, there are others from Izmit here. Perhaps you will hear from them.