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Can you ever be friends with your ex?

L

LondonLad

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Hey,

Looking for a bit of advice...
I was dating someone earlier this year, we'd met online and hooked up a few times, then somehow it got serious and we were dating for a while which was great, but basically I messed up... I got a new job and spent too much time on that instead of on the relationship and we ended up having arguments and breaking up.

The problem now is, we're still really close - more than just friends in some ways and I know that I messed up bad and to be honest I want him back, but even if that can't happen I want to keep him in my life. I guess I just really want to know if it's ever possible to remain friends with an ex?

I have told him how I feel and that I miss him, but I left it too late and he's seeing someone else now - the last thing I want is to mess up his happiness, I just don't know where to go next.

Any advice anyone?

:confused:
 
Well, it is very possiable to friends with your ex. I heard of it from other people, seen it, and experiance it. For example, I am always hanging out with my bestfriend who's currenlty in a relationship and the three of us will always hang out with my his "ex". and get this.........his current boyfriend and his ex get along pretty well :-)

As for me....I talk to my current ex from time to time...but that's only when he contacts me.
 
Yes...given space and enough time (1 year). If you don't want to "mess up his happiness", then leave him alone and give him space for a while. Respect his current relationship with his bf. You need to move on and find someone else to take your focus off of him. You need to find your own happiness without him. Until you're able to live an independent and fulfilled life (and not clinging on to him), being friend with your ex is nearly impossible.
 
Yeah see that's the trouble, he's really in to being friends and the one contacting me, but I'm finding it really hard to be honest with you.

I've stated my case and admitted I fucked up and still care about him and I genuinely do hope we can remain friends, I guess I'm just annoyed at myself more than anything else.

I dunno.

I'm sure it'll work out.
 
HunterM said:
Yes...given space and enough time (1 year). If you don't want to "mess up his happiness", then leave him alone and give him space for a while. Respect his current relationship with his bf. You need to move on and find someone else to take your focus off of him. You need to find your own happiness without him. Until you're able to live an independent and fulfilled life (and not clinging on to him), being friend with your ex is nearly impossible.
Click to expand...

quoted for truth

I have a friend who is a girl, she's dated 3 different guys in our group of friends and thankfully not only are all three of them still friends but shes been able to be friends with each of them.

She gave each individual break up about 5 months to a year to give each other some space. They could all still hang out together (thankfully no bad break ups) but just wouldnt interact much and wouldnt hang out with just themselves.

Personally I've had no such luck with 2 ex's having cheated on me and a third telling me they wanted to become an "escort" for financial reasons and got pissed when I said I wasn't comfortable with that xD
 
It's possible but give it time. Several months to a year or more of not seeing each other is a good start. If you have mutual friends, say nothing about your former relationship or him. They will know you are not together anymore and that should be enough. There is nothing more to discuss. If you see him out, which may be unavoidable, just be civil and say hello and leave it at that. The point is, you need time and space away from each other. You need to get back in touch with yourself and life without him.

Personally, this has worked for me only once out of 2 previous ex's. The one, we could never be friends. There was just too much "damage". The other, we became better friends than we ever were as partners and remain so. In fact, this past weekend I attended a Christmas party at the home of he and his new partner and I was there with mine. We had a great time. However, it was well over a year before we got together again as friends.
 
LondonLad said:
I have told him how I feel and that I miss him, but I left it too late and he's seeing someone else now - the last thing I want is to mess up his happiness, I just don't know where to go next.

Any advice anyone?
Click to expand...

You're sending mixed messages here.

It's very possible to be friends with your ex. But this doesn't sound like you want to be just friends. It sounds like you want to be boyfriends but you're settling for being friends.
 
I don't know what I want to be honest. I was relatively sorted until the last few weeks where I was out and bumped in to some of his friends a few times, 3 of his friends independent of each other all told me that they couldn't believe we broke up and that we were really good together and I was really good for him etc.

None of that was a showstopper, but hearing that from his friends was weird and a bit annoying as it kind of set me back in the process of getting over him.

At the end of the day, I'd love to have him back, but I also know that we both need to compromise on things if it were to happen and though I made peace with that I'm not sure he's ready to do it.

Right now I'm happy we're friends, but him seeing someone else has made it really hard now - sometimes if he mentions his new BF or I see them together it literally feels like someone has just kicked me in the chest.
Crapness.
 
From what you tell us, what you really want is to be more than friends with your ex. It is a bit of a difficult situation, as he is seeing someone else now. You obviously still have feelings for him, and that just makes a possible friendship so much harder to happen. I can actually understand where you're at, since I've experienced something similar in the past.

I was dating this really awesome guy, but for stupid reasons, I decided to end the relationship. I didn't realize how selfish I was being! Well, when I reached out to him, weeks later, with hopes of maybe getting back together, he told me he was dating someone else, and that he was really happy. OMG, my heart broke instantly. It was sooo hard, but I learned a very good lesson.

What I can suggest is to back away, and give him space. I know it's hard, and it will hurt, but if you care enough about him, give him freedom. Give yourself the opportunity to meet new people, as well. That should make things easier. You never know, he might come back on his own one day. Let him know you only want the best for him.

Wish you the best, and I hope things work out perfectly for you! ;)
 
I never really been in a relationship but if i had a ex boyfriend probably not i couldn't picture my self being the 3rd wheel with him and his new boyfriend
 
LondonLad said:
I don't know what I want to be honest.
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That's a very honest answer.

You've got a chance here to maintain a friendship. You also have a chance to work on being the person that you would want to date.

You screwed up. You can't undo that. You can take time to get your work and personal life back in balance. You can take a hard look at the things that made this relationship end... and you can fix them.

And maybe- who knows- if he's single and you're single- the next time around things will be different. Or you'll make someone else a new and improved boyfriend.
 
Guess that answered my question.
Couple of dinners and hanging out and ended up in bed together. That was a one off apparently but since happened again, not through me initiating it either and now I'm a mess. Feel like I'm being played.

Think it's time to listen to friends and create some distance.

Ugh this sucks.
 
Depends how creepy he was. XD
I find it extremely awkward, and unsettling.
I hate breaking up with people, and I hate when they break up with me. So when I see them, I get mad/sad.
 
Nah, I would not want any ex's in the picture. They should not interfere. There are lots of other guys out there to be friends with.
 
I know there are people who have exes as friends, but it's not something I would do.
 
I cannot be "friends" with ex's. It just doesn't work for me. Yet, I know of level-headed friends who can pull it off and I do envy them.

I think it stands the best chance of working if both parties mutually agree that the romantic/dating relationship is over and both are happy and even relieved with that decision. Thus, they are in the same place and no one has gotten hurt in the relationship downgrade.

But, a lot of times I see people give it the ol' College try in "being friends" but what they're really doing is settling for that as opposed to losing the person altogether--a thought too painful to contemplate. So, they end up longing and basically miserable until they get tired of that and move on. You see this in people who start off seeing each other frequently afterwards, then somewhat, then rarely, then not at all as the hurt party finally moves on.
 
I am friends with all of my Ex's, and we're all very close. It was usually university that brought us apart, and long distance-relationships don't work, so we parted amicably and remained friends.
 
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