Can you make this mistake ?

[wonderwort]

Before I can go into details of my situation, I need to give you folks some background information first.

I'm a living kidney donor. My oldest brother has my other kidney.

It has been 14 years since I gave him the kidney and both brothers are still very healthy. Thank God!

My oldest brother is a man of above average intelligence. He did go to law school for a while but dropped out. Also, he has been running his own business for over twenty years.

Now, onto my story.

Around three months ago, I texted my recipient brother I was "lonely, depressed and suicidal". My brother promptly alerted all of my immediate family that I was suicidal.

My recipient brother and half of my immediate family live in CA. I and the rest of my immediate family live in Nevada.

So after my family in CA heard word that I suicidal, almost everyone just dropped everything they were doing and made an emergency trip to Nevada to cheer me up, rally for me and try to help me out. My recipient brother also made the trip to see me.

My recipient brother stayed in my home for five days.

At the end of my recipient brother stay with me , he asked me to lend him 5 thousand dollars.

Because I was in the worst shape of my life mentally, I just wrote him a check for 5 thousand without thinking. My brother needed the $ to repay a friend in California.

It took me two weeks after I wrote the check for me to get out of my suicidal "funk" and I realize that he asked me for $ when he knew I was suicidal.

When I realized that he asked me for $ when I was suicidal, I was livid and blew up at him.

My recipient brother and I haven't spoken in about three months.

Ever since I came to realization of him asking me for $ when I was suicidal, I've been obsessing about the situation.

I've thought to myself how on earth can my recipient brother, whom I laid my life down for, ask me for $ when I was suicidal ?

Could it be that nothing jumped out at him that told him that he shouldn't have asked me $ when I was suicidal ?

Could it be that he didn't for see how bad it would look for him to ask me for money when I was suicidal ?

Or, did he see all those things I mentioned above and just didn't give a shit and knowingly ask me for $ anyways ?

My question to you all is ; If you were in my brother shoes, can you make the mistake of asking your donor brother for $ when he is suicidal ?

(I have offered the moderators proof that I am indeed a living kidney donor)

 

[eastofeden]

Did he offer to pay it back when he asked? If not....maybe you can ask him to set up a payment plan......

...but that doesn't really do a thing about him asking you in those circumstances....

It was wrong. Does he have a conscience? I am asking because I had a parent who did not have one and the things that happened were horrendous but eventually..you get used to them and they are "normal"....

So...has he done things that were callous and shocking before?

I am asking because if this is a new thing or an unusual behavior for him..it would be different to deal with than if this is a habit he has....

One more thing..I am glad you got the help and support you needed.....and I hope you are in a batter place now....

 

[wonderwort]

He did pay me back.

No, he has not done anything callous to me before.

He does pride himself in "great" thinking ability and knowing what is right and wrong.

He did get great respect for his wisdom from our family. Now people in my family know that he is an idiot for what he did to me.

Also, this is the 1st time our 14 year history that my life was in danger (suicidal) and I now I see how much he really cares about me.

 

[NotHardUp1]

Zombie, you can be wrong without people flaming you for it. We can't all pull ourselves up by our bootstraps. We can't. That you did is fair to share in this thread, but that doesn't make it a panacea for all who are suicidal.

Larry, I'm glad you're better. I recently suffered a suicide attempt and am recovering now, so I feel empathetic with what you shared. When I read your account, I don't think it is possible for strangers (JUB members) to second guess your brother and what he was thinking. There are several possibilities: he may have Asperger's, he may simply have seen you as his champion, or he may have been so desperate that he just had no other alternative.

Another thought. Being needed is often a catalyst to move someone out of depression. There's nothing to boost self-esteem like being needed.

None of us can tell you what your brother thought, or if he thought. What we can tell you is that it is a close bond you have a choice in preserving. You loved him enough to give him your kidney. Maybe you need to have the conversation with him that his actions hurt you, but that you don't want to stay angry.

I will say that you claiming to have told the whole family makes you somewhat culpable. It is between you two. Maligning him isn't really doing the family any favors. That doesn't make you bad, just going down a path that isn't going to help him, you, your family, or the situation.

Again, I'm glad you survived your episode. Keep getting better, OK? (*8

While I wrote this I see you reported Zombie. He is entitled to post his views here whether you agree or not. If you want this moved out of Hot Topics to a health forum that is no-flame, then you may, but you can't censor Zombie just because he sees suicide differently than you do. Far from hijacking your thread, he is posting on topic, but just not supporting you in the posts.

 

[Cormac135]

[quote removed by moderator]

Nice to see you back Larryng.

We all go through rough times, every one's depression is not the same, to tell someone to snap out of it is bloody insulting, if they could they already would have.

It's great to hear your family joined together to help you, even if your brother was wrong to ask you for a loan at that time.

 

[star-warrior]

It is true we all have our own opinions about suicide, but whether one set of circumstances applies to another is not always appropriate. I have removed some posts. The OP stated above he has come out of the suicidal phase and discussions about the hows and whys of his suicidal thoughts are not what the OP requested for discussion. He is feeling that he has been taken advantaged of whilst he was suicidal, and how would you be in you were in his brother's shoes.

This thread was moved from Hot Topics into this no-flame zone. Please keep on-topic.

 

[zombiekiller]

Ok, let's try again.

My rule of thumb is always give everyone the benefit of a doubt. In other words, don't assume the worst. If there is a better interpretation for what's happened, assume that first.

Why must you assume the worst interpretation of what happened? Does your brother not deserve the benefit of a doubt?

 

[KaraBulut]

...My question to you all is ; If you were in my brother shoes, can you make the mistake of asking your donor brother for $ when he is suicidal ?

Are you saying that if you weren't suicidal, you wouldn't have lent him the money?

 

[wonderwort]

If I wasn't suicidal, I would've lent him the $.

All I'm saying he should've known a billion X's better than to ask me $ when I was suicidal. Especially, when he didn't need the $ for an emergency reason or needed for something more urgent than paying back a friend.

 

[Telstra]

Just look at the bright side,
maybe he know you have plenty of money and $5k doesn't hurt you much.
Also, when someone owe you money, you have the incentive to live to get the money back ?


**if it was me, i wouldn't lend the money unless i know he can pay back.

 

[wonderwort]

What hurts so much is that my brother is the last person on earth I would have ever expected to ask me for $ when I was suicidal.

I would think that he would remember that I laid down my life for his when his life was in danger.

I always thought that, out of my whole entire family, that he would be the one that would be most concerned about me and my welfare.

The one time I was suicidal in the last 14 years , of us being donor and recipient , and the one time he should have showed the most concern for me, all he really showed me was that he was just concerned about himself alone.

What hurts is that after all I did for him, he doesn't seem to give a shit about me.

 

[Telstra]

You have to look after yourself and make yourself happy first.
Everyone else is second.

 

[sixthson]

At he very least, he ask something of you at an inappropriate time and when you were not in the best frame of mind.

It's the kind of thing someone does when trying to take advantage of someone, that is why it seems odd that he does not have that kind of history with you.

He has paid you back, which is good. I suggest you try to forgive him and get back to where you used to be with him.

 

[wonderwort]

Even though he hasn't done anything callous to me, he is "user" of people.

He the type of person of always ask for favors , assistance, and $ when he needs you.

But when you need something, he wouldn't even consider helping you.

He is very selfish and self absorbed.

I won't go into detail, but I have felt used by him in the past.

 

[Telstra]

You "felt" used by him.
It is up to you to change your feeling by not letting him using you.

 

[Seasoned]

Your brother behaved like an asshole, not a very moral fellow.

 

[KaraBulut]

If I wasn't suicidal, I would've lent him the $.

All I'm saying he should've known a billion X's better than to ask me $ when I was suicidal. Especially, when he didn't need the $ for an emergency reason or needed for something more urgent than paying back a friend.

Yes, his timing sucked. But in the end, you still would have lent him the money.

In spite of his faux pas, he was there when you needed him to be. Forgive him. Move on. Nothing is gained by holding on to anger over this if you would have given him the money anyway.

 

[eastofeden]

I would also suggest to forgive him. The reason is..he paid you back so he wasn't taking advantage of you in a way that moochers so who most of the time do NOT pay people back....

He might have a blind spot and not even realize his timing was bad....or realize he did anything wrong....

I would suggest you forgive him for your sake....tell him how you feel about it in a calm and rational manner so maybe he can understand and appreciate it. If there is something else underlying this anger that I am not seeing then it might be different but from just what you said..he sounds thoughtless...so maybe a thoughtful response and forgiveness might lead you both into the future and help repair the relationship...assuming you are willing?

 

[wonderwort]

Thanks everyone for your words of wisdom.

I will try to best to forgive him.