Can't bottom for medical reasons and it's making me depressed

[thegentleman]

When I was 16, I had my colon removed due to Ulcerative Colitis. Thanks to that surgery, it is not really possible for me to bottom (at least not safely). My anus is a lot smaller than the average person and there is basically no "elasticity" to it and just has a ring of scar tissue. Having anal sex could potentially rupture the internal pouch that was created from my small intestine in place of my colon. I was also told there are staples in the area which could injure my partner's penis.

I've spoken to a few others online who had the same surgery and a couple of them said they have been able to have anal pleasure/play but not full receptive anal sex. Another guy told me he was able to do it with extreme precaution - a TON of lube, very slowly, etc.

I've always imagined myself as more of a bottom and just knowing that I'll never be able to do this with a partner really, really sucks. I've never bottomed in my life and never will be able to. I know there's a lot of other things I can do with my partner in the bedroom, but it still sucks. I'm turning 28 this summer and have only had 2 sexual encounters in my life. I feel like this is just another thing that will narrow my pool of potential partners (whether just sexually or romantically) even further.

Not sure how to cope. I've spoken with my therapist about it, but nothing seems to help.

 

[SeaCore]

Well, why did you see yourself as a bottom? Was it a power play type of thing? Was it a physical pleasure type of thing? And if so, how did you know this?

Let's be a bit blunt here, it does lower your pool of potential partners. Probably not as significantly as you might imagine. But if someone's sexual needs requires them to top it's just not reconciliable. But this isn't so abnormal. There are a lot of traits people just can't change about themselves that make a relationship with certain types of people impossible. You're probably just more self conscious of it because its tangibility. If it were personality differences, despite loving tons of other things about the person, would you still despair over the issue or would you simply accept it wasn't meant to be?

 

[KaraBulut]

There was a thread about this under your old username. Reading back through that thread, at the time you had not had sex with a guy at all. Three years later, you have made some progress- you have done some things with guys sexually.

The anatomical reality of the situation sucks. I recall another member with a similar situation whose doctor advised them not to attempt anal sex, although it's probably better that you discuss the options with your own doctors who know your particular situation.

There are plenty of guys who aren't into anal sex (quite a few of them on this site). There are quite a few guys who are bottom-only and don't have any interest in topping. And honestly, if casual sex is all that is on the table, most guys aren't going to turn down a guy who gives a decent blowjob.

The psychological barriers are tougher to overcome. Restoring a good self-image after a body-altering surgeries can be tough. But it's difficult here to tell what is about the surgery and what is about your self-image and self-confidence.

Ask yourself this: if this surgery had never happened, would you still have the same self-image issues and mental barriers to finding guys? Is it about the surgery or is it about your self-image?

 

[novastar]

Ny heart goes out to you

 

[Irish Queer]

Sorry for bumping and this bluntness may sound harsh and and it doesn’t mean to be but I’m sorry but consider yourself lucky that you got your colon removed and a pouch made there are those who loose the colon, anus and have a bag attached to them for life. Now think about that person wanting to have sex full stop. They have to put a belt/support strap around themselves to hide the bag plus depending they may accidentally fill they bag while having sex or their diet may affect when it happens and that’s if they find people open minded enough to have sex with them so you can’t bottom at least you can have sex. Also I’m not saying everyone with no anus and a permanent bag haven’t any sex lives but I’d say there are issues affecting them around sex/love/ relationships. What I’m trying to tell you is that there are worse situations you could be in.

 

[offthewall14420]

When I was 16, I had my colon removed due to Ulcerative Colitis. Thanks to that surgery, it is not really possible for me to bottom (at least not safely). My anus is a lot smaller than the average person and there is basically no "elasticity" to it and just has a ring of scar tissue. Having anal sex could potentially rupture the internal pouch that was created from my small intestine in place of my colon. I was also told there are staples in the area which could injure my partner's penis.

I've spoken to a few others online who had the same surgery and a couple of them said they have been able to have anal pleasure/play but not full receptive anal sex. Another guy told me he was able to do it with extreme precaution - a TON of lube, very slowly, etc.

I've always imagined myself as more of a bottom and just knowing that I'll never be able to do this with a partner really, really sucks. I've never bottomed in my life and never will be able to. I know there's a lot of other things I can do with my partner in the bedroom, but it still sucks. I'm turning 28 this summer and have only had 2 sexual encounters in my life. I feel like this is just another thing that will narrow my pool of potential partners (whether just sexually or romantically) even further.

Not sure how to cope. I've spoken with my therapist about it, but nothing seems to help.

You have a right to mourn the loss of a hole. Grieving is good, or so the professionals say. That being said, you still have another hole. So the glass is half-full my friend.

 

[aerofranciz]

I'm sorry about your situation. Unfortunately, anal sex is strongly not recommended in your case. There could be damage to the connection and underlying sphincter causing you to lose the pouch as well as damage to your partner's penis from those staples.
I encourage you to explore. There are a LOT you can do sexually.

 

[darian]

It was my understanding that stimulation of the perineum (the area between the balls and anus) can also stimulate the prostate indirectly: perhaps that is another avenue you could explore, unless that too has implications to your surgically revised anatomy.

To me, being a bottom is more about being the recipient rather than necessarily being about anal sex per se.

But yes, it is difficult accepting that one can't do some things that others take for granted and there can be some grief due to loss that needs to be worked through, however there are often other things that can still be done.