Can't come out

[nitish]

Do you guys think there could be a legitimate reasons in which a person could not come out?

e.g. I am not ashamed of being gay. I always say one shouldn't be proud of being something they had nothing to do with, e.g. race, sex, nationality, religion, etc. But to be honest, i am almost gaytriotic about my sexuality. It is the only thing i wouldn't change about myself. But it is also the source of all my problems. I could see myself coming out to friends, co-workers....but i could never dare to think, let alone come out to my family. It really sucks. If it weren't for my mom, I wouldn't have cared about what they thought of me, or how they react. I am 100% certain that my family is 9 on a 1-10 scale of people you wouldn't want to come out to. Being gay in my family is like being black in the KKK.

My philosophy is: "if someone disapproves of me, I will disapprove of them." But i can't use that philosophy against my mom. She sacrificed her life to raise us. She wouldn't call it a sacrifice though. She'd call it an honor. That woman actually did everything she could for me and my siblings, but she always says she feels like a bad mother because there's always more to be done.

I feel it is important for me to come out. I think not being myself and always being afraid to express myself has caused me to have a social anxiety. I am a very argumentative, stubborn person. And this watch what you say and how you say it is killing me inside.

My plan is to live as far away from them as i can and live my life the way i want. But we're such a close family, and pretending they don't exist sounds like a fantasy.

 

[Brer Fox]

I cannot come out either, it would be professional and familial suicide. I am involved with a family business that is too good of an opportunity and too promising to be ruined by conflicts with my sexuality, which with my father being the other primary operator, there most certainly would be. We are already complete opposites and clash every time we are in the same room, and he is far too self-conscious and emotional to where my being gay would literally cause an epic rift between us.

Furthermore my life's passion is the martial arts, and I am pursuing an instructorship which is also very fortuitous and would be my absolute dream job. As with most athletic pursuits, however, being gay here does not fly, and my close friends are all associated with my academy, so they would know and everyone would know... a lot of them already suspect just from being so close, and I joke about it a lot, but for me to cement it would be a nail in the coffin. One of the arts I teach is Brasilian Jiu-jitsu, which put simply is as close to fucking as you can get without trying, so having everyone know they are rolling around on the floor nice and sweaty with a homosexual would not be immediately beneficial for my future.

Coming out to someone like my mom, provided she never slip, would be as far as I go. I cannot even consider being totally out, nor do I really long to be.

 

[nitish]

You don't understand. If i come out, it would be to film an episode of "Dangerous Living - Coming Out in the Developing World."

My family is very conservative, very religious, very "from a third-world country/culture that doesn't understand the concept of homosexuality, and actually thinks it is an invention of the west."

When my mother first heard of gay marriage, she was visibly shaken. I remember her asking me "Why do they do this (referring to westerners) don't they fear god?" She's not even to the point of thinking of sexuality as a choice (a point of view many struggle to correct). She probably thinks it is a defiance. Like devil worshiping of some sort.

 

[nitish]

I can work with "We hate you for what you are" but i can't work with sending my mother to an early grave. Yes. I am not exaggerating. It is that bad.

 

[timnmostud]

It is never that you CAN'T! It may be that you see the trade-off as something you don't want to do, but CAN'T is never the case!

 

[WYSIWYG]

Let me give you a different perspective:
1. Life is way to fucking short to hide, to be argumentative, or a stubborn person. Before you know it your my age, and then your going to sit down and say. 'where did my life go?' I denied who I was for years. Got married, and it was a disaster! My life was a mess...totally!

2. You can not continue to deny who you are.

3. Your family, especially your mother will deal with it if you tell them. She will stil love you. As you say, she sacrificed everything to raise you!

4. Moving away will not make things better if your a close knit family!

5. My bf was in the same situation as you. He is the oldest of 5 children! The only people in his family that do not lie him because he is gay is his father and mother. His brothers and sisters are okay with it. In time his parents will come around and accept him. They are religious also, but we will make them see the light. Without religion this place called Earth would be a much better place.

6. My religion taught me that we are all made in Gods image. So being black, white, yellow, gay, lesbian, bi, or str8, we are all the same and God does love us ALL!

But my main point is that you wil suffer a lot more by hiding and not being yourself. trust me, I have been there done that, and doing what you think is right or listening to others and doing what they say and not being truthful to yourself will destroy you in many ways in he end.

Being gay is not the end of the world, and who knows, you could find the love of your life sooner rather than later!

 

[Eagle653]

Do you guys think there could be a legitimate reasons in which a person could not come out?

Yes, I do. I think it is fool hearty to come out when your life then becomes endangered, you are disowned, or you stand a good chance of being fired from a good job that you love.

There are people who choose not to come out everyday for these and similar reasons, and I've always respected that. Only they walk in their shoes.

It sounds like you're between a rock and a hard place with your family--your mother in particular. It's almost as if you can't come out, but you can't not come out, either, for your own sanity.

No one here knows your mother nor your family dynamics and I think knowing both is key to advising you properly. So, my advice to you would be to carefully manage any coming out that you attempt. One way that might work well for you is to have an intermediary help you. This can be a trusted friend of your mother's--or someone whom she would respect, like a minister or a therapist.

Some guys in your position elicit help of professionals in doing this. Forget the whole family right now--just concentrate on her because I sense she's the one who really matters to you (and, besides, she can handle the rest and they may very well take their cues from her, ultimately, anyway).

I've seen guys go to their mother's siblings and have THEM tell her--or tell her together; sometimes guys have a therapist or a minister present in order to facilitate the conversation.

I don't know if this is possible or practical for you or not. You love your mother and have a lot of respect for her--it comes through loud and clear in your brief post. That love and respect was earned--probably because she's a loving person and wonderful mother. Don't sell her short here. Her love for you is stronger than any prejudice she might have about gays, probably. She might not like it initially, and it may take some getting used to, but she loves you as her son. (Also consider that she and your siblings may change their attitude about gays once they find out, as opposed to change their attitude about you. It's easy to hate something you don't know and understand--in the abstract. When they have to confront it in you, it becomes real and will throw all their prejudices into chaos. That's good. They'll need to work it out.)

Only you know them, though. Tread lightly and know what you're doing. Don't put yourself in danger (emotional or physical). Get guidance from an advocate and/or someone who knows them.

Good luck! Let us know what happens.

 

[luminum]

These aren't reasons for why you can't come out. They're reasons for why it would be reasonable to choose not to. In the end, your life is your own. Nothing in this world could ever stop you from coming out or living your life honestly. Every human being on the planet has the right to live freely, honestly, and happily. Other people, how they feel, what they've done, are all considerations, but they are never obligations.

You can come out. Both of you. It is always an option. It's rather silly to think that everythign would cease to exist if you did. It would be silly to think that you could never speak to your family again, or that you would never have the opportunity to explain things to your family and that your life would be over without them even if they couldn't ever deal with it or you.

It would also be silly to think that being openly gay would ever stop you from being able to teach Brazilian Tai Jitsu. It just may not be the way or at the place that you had originally intended.

Peopel talk about what deters them from coming out as if they are dead ends. They're only forks in the road. You can go around them, off them, or away from them in life, but they never stop the path you walk on.

That being said, there are reasons that it would be best advised not to come out just yet. Like averageguy mentioned, death, endangerment, being disowned...these are all good reasons for why it may be best to be prudent about being open. But I think that to plan to never be honest about one's sexuality to those one cares about is equivalent to not having the slightest faith in the ones you love to surprise you and be understanding and caring people...even if it takes them some time.

 

[rareboy]

My philosophy is: "if someone disapproves of me, I will disapprove of them." But i can't use that philosophy against my mom. She sacrificed her life to raise us. She wouldn't call it a sacrifice though. She'd call it an honor. That woman actually did everything she could for me and my siblings, but she always says she feels like a bad mother because there's always more to be done.

Two things.

Just because someone disapproves of you, doesn't necessarily follow that you disapprove of them...if it because you're gay, then just feel sorry that they are so limited by their social bias and don't even give them another thought.

Secondly, why not just be gay without the announcements? It is how it works in our family. We just bring our friends into the family. Your mother isn't stupid. And she sounds like the kind of person who would be able to digest all of this if she is truly as giving as you suggest.

If she holds it against you in the 'after all I've done for you, how could you betray me' kind of way, then you have to back away for awhile, just making sure that she has ample opportunity to see that you're still the boy she raised and that it doesn't matter where you put your cock.

As for the rest of your family.....why do you need their approval? Unless there are fabulous sums of money involved, you don't. And even then, if you suppress yourself to get what you think is their acceptance, you're cheating yourself and will only die unhappy one day. Just be confident and 'normal' gay when you're around them. They'll love you just the same, or else they never did and you were always just wasting your time anyway with your KKK relatives in their trailer park.

 

[nitish]

Thanks a lot of the great advice!