Can't+handle+this

[silentalk]

Edit:+Sorry,+I+really+don't+know+why+the+'+'+signs+appear+instead+of+spaces.+I+tried+to+replace+them+and+edit+this,+but+I+failed.

Hey+guys,+it's+been+a+long,+long+time+since+my+last+post.

I'll+try+to+keep+this+short,+but+I'm+not+sure+if+I'd+succeed.+And+to+be+honest,+I'm+not+expecting+much+help+either.

Please+note+that+I'm+talking+about+two+guys+here:+My+ex+and+another+friend.

During+the+past+5+years,+I've+been+able+to+get+over+my+depression+because+of+my+breakup+with+my+BF,+completely+get+over+it,+graduate+with+honors+and+plan+for+grad+school+and+huge+things+to+achieve.+Before+my+last+term+in+school,+back+in+2008+I+fell+for+this+guy.+It+was+good.+There+were+hard+times+but+I+was+generally+happy.+He's+straight,+which+was+a+stupid+move+on+my+part+to+fall+for+him,+but+we+were+great+friends+and+I+was+stable.+He+missed+me+when+I+was+away+for+too+long.+Sometimes+he'd+really+insist+I+slept+over.+I+mean+REALLY,+REALLY+insist.+Time+passed+by,+I+returned+to+NYC+for+my+last+term+and+our+friendship+kind+of+faded+because+of+so+many+reasons.+The+main+reason+I+backed+out+was+because+he+was+straight+and+I+saw+no+hope.

Returning+home+after+graduation+was+good,+but+I+was+having+these+tender+talks+with+my+ex+(another+stupid+move,+really+stupid)+and+I+fell+for+him+AGAIN!+Many+things+happened+during+that+time.+I+really+don't+want+to+bother+you+with+the+details.+Anyway,+the+result+of+this+was+that+I+fell+into+depression+again!+My+ex+was+kind,+even+though+he+deliberately+acted+as+though+he+didn't+care+at+times.+He+kept+calling+my+family+seeing+how+I+was+going+and+talking+to+our+mutual+friends+asking+them,+pleading+with+them+to+help+me.+But+he+couldn't+be+with+me+as+a+couple+again.+We're+still+best+friends+today.

That+depression+(starting+in+2008)+crippled+me,+as+depression+usually+does+to+me.+I+stayed+on+the+sidelines+of+life+till+February+of+this+year.+I+started+smoking,+wasting+time+and+doing+all+kinds+of+useless+stuff.+I+was+useless,+worthless+and+totally+hopeless.

Coming+back+to+now,+the+reason+I+got+over+all+of+this+recently+is+because+I+am+needed+to+take+care+of+things+here.+There+are+some+serious+stuff+that+I+am+needed+for.+So+I+tried+again+and+again+to+get+back+on+my+feet.+And+I+was+making+good+improvements.+Finally,+I+was+productive+again.+I+was+being+heard.+People+listened+to+me.+I+was+doing+stuff.

And+just+as+I+was+regaining+my+hope+and+confidence,+suddenly,+out+of+nowhere,+the+straight+guy+I+was+in+love+with+during+my+college+years+appears+almost+out+of+thin+air+and+begins+treating+me+as+nice+as+he+once+did.+Hugs,+and+stuff.+And+now,+even+though+I+tried+as+hard+as+I+could+and+warned+myself+against+this,+now+I+can't+bear+being+away+from+him.+My+eyes+are+teary+almost+all+the+time+because+I+don't+spend+much+time+with+him.

Please+don't+tell+me+to+forget+about+him+because+he's+straight,+I+know+that+already.+I'm+not+hoping+for+much,+but+all+I+want+at+the+moment+is+to+spend+time+with+him,+just+to+keep+me+balanced+enough+to+get+through+the+work+I+have+to+do.+I+wouldn't+have+minded+being+depressed+again+and+start+to+self-destruct+through+smoking,+timewasting+and+abandoning+society,+but+I+have+to+work+for+the+people+around+me,+and+I+just+don't+have+the+strength.

And+I+would've+forgotten+about+him+if+I+could,+but+this+regained+love+is+young+and+he's+really+a+good+guy+and+a+friend+and+I+don't+want+to+push+him+away,+but+I+don't+want+to+be+useless+either.

I+don't+know+what+you+guys+will+make+of+this,+but+I+really+don't+know+what+to+do!

Anyway,+thanks+for+reading.

 

[silentalk]

Re:+Can't+handle+this

Sorry+for+the+messed+up+post

 

[Shawn1]

Taking into account that I'm not sure I got all of your post, I'd suggest you try to chill on the straight guy (never works out you know) and perhaps seek some professional help re: the depression.

Depression can be overwhelming and there are a lot of ways to get help, but to get it first we need to ask. I'd start with your doc first, and go from there.

Good luck

 

[fetaby]

It seems like every time a guy gets near you fall to pieces. In between falling for these guys you let yourself crumble. You know you have issues with depression. At some point, you will need to deal with these issues, and in the process you will see self improvement.

That doesn't mean you need to stop doing what you're doing though. When you see these improvements, you'll also find another guy. It's at this point where you'll ultimately face your demons. Do you allow yourself to be controlled by emotions? Or do you stand strong and have some measure of control over the situation?

I'm not pretending to know the answers to these questions, only you can answer them for yourself. I am saying that based on what you wrote, you rely entirely too much on the spirit of another person to supply you with what makes life agreeable. In short, you're emotionally codependent.

Now, whether or not that is a problem is up to you.

 

[Seasoned]

Your depression is treatable, but best to see a psychiatrist if meds are involve so you get the right one for you at the right dose with the least side effects.

Outer rather than inner focus is a huge problem for many people. Therapy is one way to deal with that. You are complete and self sufficient on your own and until you realize that you are susceptible to emotional highs and lows based upon some pretty insignificant stuff, whether someone smiles, if they call or don't call, magical and fantasy thinking, etc.

 

[justsimon]

Here's the original post (cleaned up):

Hey guys, it’s been a long, long time since my last post.

I’ll try to keep this short, but I’m not sure if I‘d succeed. And to be honest, I’m not expecting much help either.

Please note that I’m talking about two guys here: My ex and another friend.

During the past 5 years, I’ve been able to get over my depression because of my breakup with my BF, completely get over it, graduate with honors and plan for grad school and huge things to achieve. Be fore my last term in school, back in 2008 I fell for this guy. It was good. There were hard times but I was generally happy. He’s straight, which was a stupid move on my part to fall for him, but we were great friends and I was stable. He missed me when I was away for too long. Sometimes he’d really insist I slept over. I mean REALLY, REALLY insist . Time passed by, I returned to NYC for my last term and our friendship kind of faded because of so many reasons. The main reason I backed out was because he was straight and I saw no hope.

Returning home after graduation was good, but I was having these tender talks with my ex (another stupid move, really stupid) and I fell for him AGAIN ! Many things happened during that time. I really don’t want to bother you with the details. Anyway, the result of this was that I fell into depression again! My ex was kind, even though he deliberately acted as though he didn’t care at times. He kept calling my family seeing how I was going and talking to our mutual friends asking them, pleading with them to help me. But he couldn’t be with me as a couple again. We’re still best friends today.

That depression (starting in 2008) crippled me, as depression usually does to me. I stayed on the sidelines of life till February of this year. I star ted smoking, wasting time and doing all kinds of useless stuff. I was useless, worthless and totally hopeless.

Coming back to now, the reason I got over all of this recently is because I am needed to take care of things here. There are some serious stuff that I am needed for. So I tried again and again to get back on my feet. And I was making good improvements. Finally, I was productive again. I was being heard. People listened to me. I was doing stuff.

And just as I was regaining my hope and confidence, suddenly, out of nowhere, the straight guy I was in love with during my college years appears almost out of thin air and begins treating me as nice as he once did. Hugs, and stuff. And now, even though I tried as hard as I could and warned myself against this, now I can’t bear being away from him. My eyes are teary almost all the time because I don’t spend much time with him.

Please don’t tell me to forget about him because he’s straight, I know that already. I’m not hoping for much, but all I want at the moment is to spend time with him, just to keep me balanced enough to get through the work I have to do. I wouldn’t have minded being depressed again and start to self-destruct through smoking, timewasting and abandoning society, but I have to work for the people around me, and I just don’t have the strength.

And I would’ve forgotten about him if I could, but this regained love is young and he’s really a good guy and a friend and I don’t want to push him away, but I don’t want to be useless either.

I don’t know what you guys will make of this, but I really don’t know what to do!

Anyway, thanks for reading.

 

[oakpope]

Silentalk,
concerning your straight guy, from my experiences, the only to solve the problem is to break any contacts with him. As long as you see him, your love will no die and you will suffer from it.
It may be very hard to do, but it is the only way to begin the path to well being. Telling yourself you're strong enough to be with him without suffering, that you prefer to suffer than be apart from him, that maybe he will have feelings for you because he is so nice to you. It's all illusions, and the longer it will take you to understand that the worse you will get.
I fell in love with 2 straight guys in my life and it has caused me so many problems, so many years wasted, I will never again fall for this trap.
So it's my advice to this part of your problem. Till you have no feelings for him, do not contact him in any ways.

 

[Horschallen]

Past loves are forever, because I know from my personal experience. Even after ten years and moving across the country, I still find myself missing him often, but not as badly as before. Lots of counseling did not achieve as much as my cross-country relocation did. I still wonder many times, but I just focus on my life here.

Perhaps relocation is a feasible option for you?

 

[silentalk]

Taking into account that I'm not sure I got all of your post, I'd suggest you try to chill on the straight guy (never works out you know) and perhaps seek some professional help re: the depression.

Depression can be overwhelming and there are a lot of ways to get help, but to get it first we need to ask. I'd start with your doc first, and go from there.

Good luck

Yeah, I know it never works out. Wish I can just cut the connection rope. Thanks man. I've tried docs before. A few times actually, there's something different about my depression, but that's another story. In any case, I don't feel bad excpet if those two (and there's a third one also) are somehow nice to me. Yeah, strange, I know.

It seems like every time a guy gets near you fall to pieces.

Yeah, I know it seems that way, but these are the same 3 guys for the past 8 years. (I haven't mentioned the third in my story because he doesn't play a role in the current situation.)

That doesn't mean you need to stop doing what you're doing though. When you see these improvements, you'll also find another guy. It's at this point where you'll ultimately face your demons. Do you allow yourself to be controlled by emotions? Or do you stand strong and have some measure of control over the situation?

I'm not pretending to know the answers to these questions, only you can answer them for yourself. I am saying that based on what you wrote, you rely entirely too much on the spirit of another person to supply you with what makes life agreeable. In short, you're emotionally codependent.

Now, whether or not that is a problem is up to you.

That was very accurate, unfortunately. Thanks for taking the time to write it.

Your depression is treatable, but best to see a psychiatrist if meds are involve so you get the right one for you at the right dose with the least side effects.

Outer rather than inner focus is a huge problem for many people. Therapy is one way to deal with that. You are complete and self sufficient on your own and until you realize that you are susceptible to emotional highs and lows based upon some pretty insignificant stuff, whether someone smiles, if they call or don't call, magical and fantasy thinking, etc.

I know exactly what you're saying. And thank you for trying to make it clear. This situation, however, is a little more complex than it seems, because of other elements and people in my life. Thanks man.

 

[silentalk]

Silentalk,
concerning your straight guy, from my experiences, the only to solve the problem is to break any contacts with him. As long as you see him, your love will no die and you will suffer from it.

That might be right, but it's impossible in my case. I can't part with any of them because our circles of friends AND family are interconnected in such a way that I'll have to meet up with them every once in a while, even if I didn't want to. We are all relatives/neighbors/friends/cousins/co-workers/in-laws...etc. I'm not exaggurating. Our connections are so tight that we'll have to bump into eachother. Thanks anyway,

Past loves are forever, because I know from my personal experience. Even after ten years and moving across the country, I still find myself missing him often, but not as badly as before. Lots of counseling did not achieve as much as my cross-country relocation did. I still wonder many times, but I just focus on my life here.

Perhaps relocation is a feasible option for you?

You're right, except that there's no way I can relocate at the moment. I might be able to in a couple of years, but even then I won't be able to do it permanently. Thanks