Career Issue - Deal maker or breaker?

[thephoenix]

Hey guys,

I wanted to run a tough nut to crack by you all and get your opinions since this is my technically first serious relationship.

First off, my boyfriend Matt is sooo amazing. I look in his eyes and I know he loves me. And I love him so much. He's handsome, charming, kind, and just so beautiful. He treats me like gold. We have a great relationship, and I know in my gut it's the real thing. I can imagine a life with him.

The thing that is rocking our boat right now is our career paths. Matt has a stable fulfilling hard to acquire job that he loves. Truth be told, his job has a time limit. In 4 years his job will be up. It's his career and what he wants to do.

Me - I got my journalism degree and have been trying to find jobs and finally landed an amazing job at a daily newspaper. It's everything I wanted and more. It's with a prestidious paper (I'll omit the name for privacy sake). Point is, it's possibly a once in a lifetime opportunity. The problem is it requires relocation nearly 18 hours driving time away from here.

Matt and I are committed and want the best for each other, and both of us feel like this relationship is the real deal. Our dilemma is what to do. I thought the sensible thing to do was consult Matty. It felt natural. So I asked Matty to be honest, if he wanted me to stay. He said he couldn't bear the thought of me leaving. I feel the same way. Except, I want this job so badly too. It's an amazing jumpstart doing what I want. The papers around here are mediocre at best and they aren't hiring.

I feel like I have two once in a lifetime deals and choosing is cruel! I feel awful that I'm even hesitating. Our reasonable conversations have turned into arguments because he feels like I'm not in this relationship all the way, and I'm starting to feel like he doesn't want what's best for me.

It seems like the options are: I don't take the job and pass up an amazing opportunity, I go and lose what is possibly the love of my life, or he could drop everything he knows and loves to go to a strange city with no job for me. We've all ready struck out long distance. We just feel like it would be the nail in the coffin of our relationship. I feel awful asking him to leave his home (I'm not originally from here; he is), but on that same token I don't feel like it's entirely fair that I give up this opportunity.

What's a compromise? Is our indecisiveness a sign that the relationship isn't meant to be? On the other hand, love sometimes means sacrifice, so is it about fair or sacrifice? I don't want to lose him, but I don't want to pass on this job opportunity. He hasn't issued any ultimatums - he told me he loved me and that my happiness was the most important thing to him, but I feel like the relationship would end if I took the job.

Any thoughts?

 

[KaraBulut]

Take the job.

Buy him a ticket to come visit in a month or two. At that point, it will be clearer to the two of you whether you made the right decision or not.

During that visit, you'll need to make the decision as to whether one of you will need to make a commitment to relocate or whether you will go your separate ways. Chances are that the decision will be less difficult by then.

 

[FabFairy]

At present the Job Market is not flexible enough to pick and choose so it is logical to take the Job because without an income it will stuff the your life up no end. Secondly while you think this Job is the ideal have you really examined it to see if it is what you want quite often we wear blinders and in the end find what we want and what we get or two different things.

For Matt to indicate that your not in the relationship all the way indicates that you are giving off signals to that effect and perhaps you are without realizing. So perhaps you need to take off the Rose Coloured Glasses and examine your relationship again. You may think you have found what you want but that is because the most qualities you value seem to be present. I have always been a firm believer "That things happen for a reason" now all you need to do is work out what the reason is.

Nothing is set in stone and if you decide to stay with Matt then you will need to put your case clearly as to why that is the correct decision.

 

[BabiGayPimp]

I would take the job and try a long-distance relationship for now. Perhaps absence will make the heart grow fonder. If the job doesn't work out you go can go home and think of some way to get him back.

 

[tallguy297]

Well mate, I reckon you really have hit the hardest issue for a gay relationship. A lot of guys worry about a lot of things in a relationship but for me the career issue is always going to be a big one. As males we're programmed to work and earn and provide. It plays a huge role in who we are and in a lot of cases its big source of fulfillment in life.

I dont think there is an easy answer here mate.

Theres so many sides...
Should he sacrifice for you?
Should you ask him to?
Should you sacrifice for him?
Should he ask you too?
Will the relationship survive the distance?
Would another opportunity like this arise again?

All you can do is talk it out mate. With an openness and an honesty that leaves nothing off the table.

Yes it will be a hard awful gut wrenching discussion... but you guys need to man up and face up to it. Someone or something will have to give here unless you are both committed to each other fully.

My gut would tell me to take the job... on the basis that you guys stayed in the relationship... and reassess everything in 4 weeks and then again in 2 months. Any true loving relationship will stand that, and by then you'll have a feel for the job as will both of you for being apart.

At that time whats really important will hit home... and you can decide with a clearer head and less guilt.

But if you decide to not take this chance mate, you can never ever use the "you held me back" argument. This has to be your choice. And you have to have the trust in yourself and him to have the conviction to stick to it.

Mate, I really wish you all the best. Its a tough choice, but I reckon its one you can get right I really do.

 

[yeahman21]

Tallguy said it really well. Im curious to know how old you are and how long you guys have been together. But I say take the job.

 

[ontheroad]

i totally agree with the people above me. looking at the job market right now, i say take the job. long distance relationships do work. you prolly need to figure out the best way to explain that to matty. good luck.

 

[briefboy86]

Well how long have you two been together? and what career field is he going into? I think those are two big factors. I know myself If my bf wanted to move to another city, i would leav my job, which i do really enjoy, because i know that i couldfind the same type of job in another city. I think its really about how you two feel and how long you have been together.