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Caught my partner...

snapghisch

snapghisch

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Hello everyone, I wanted to ask some advice about what you all think about this:

I got our telephone bill this afternoon and there was a strange number on it for which I had been billed over 10 Euro. So I called the number and it turns out it was for a Gay Chat phone sex company. The number was called while I was out of the country, so I knew it had to have been my partner. When I confronted him about it, he first lied and said he didn't know how the number had gotten there and blah blah blah. Finally I got it out of him that he had called, because he said his internet didn't work and he normally would have just watched some porn.

The problem is this: I have caught him doing this once before, and I didn't exactly react very well. I find phone sex to be much worse and completely different from watching porn, because you are involving yourself in the actions, rather that watching others participate. So he knew how I felt about it and did it anyways.

Now he says he's very sorry and he should have never done it but he still doesn't see how it is any worse that watching porn, etc.

Anyone have any advice on what I should do?
 
The worst thing about phone sex is the cost. What a waste of money.

Now you both have to work out your relationship issues,
whether to have an open relationship or not.
 
I understand what your saying about it being more personal than just watching porn and to some extent I agree. I don't look at it as "cheating" but it does involve another person intimately. I guess I just don't get the attraction to phone sex. I don't understand how listening to someone telling me they are jerking off or whatever they say they are doing can be a turn on. Obviously for some people it works. His internet wasn't working and you were gone so he turned to the phone. I guess I wouldn't be happy about it but wouldn't make a big deal over the phone sex.

To me the bigger issue is the lying. I really have a problem with lying. He knew how you felt about it and then did it again. Then, he lied and tried to make excuses. That makes me think there are bigger issues then phone sex involved here. If he's willing to lie about phone sex, what else is he lying about. Lying goes straight to one's character and integrity. We would have to have a very serious talk and if I ever caught him lying again. I think it would be over.

Good luck.

Steven.
 
Yeah, well he didn't want to tell you because you freaked out about it before.

He still shouldn't have lied about it. But I don't really think that makes him Stalin.

What do I think, well, I think it's a bit of an overreaction to cause a huge drama about phone sex. If he agreed not to call the phone sex number, then he did, that's a bigger problem.

Why didn't he call you? Why don't you want him calling? Is it the money? Are you threatened by the phone sex guy? Are you upset because you think he might go beyond phone sex to craigslist hookups? Is this possessiveness? Is this jealousy? or insecurity? or all three? What specifically is it that bothers you? Until you can answer that, you're not going to resolve this. Other than making a bunch of demands from him, which always backfire in the end anyway.

Ask yourself, why did he need to call the phone sex guy? Just horny? Not getting something he wants? Curious? Not happy? Looking to cheat without cheating? Until you can ask him these questions without having fits, and honestly wanting to know the answers, you're not going to stop him.

I don't see much difference between phone sex and porn, the phone sex guy on the other end isn't exactly a real person anyway, it's about fantasy just like porn, and I guarantee you that the guy on the other end of the line is no threat.

I think that treating him like a naughty five year old with his hand in the cookie jar, who must now be spanked, is counter-productive, and not exactly that prudent, or mature.

What to do. Well, I'd say you both have some issues to discuss.
 
Yeah, it's still basically a masturbational fantasy, so I kind of get what he's saying. In today's day and age, I have no idea why A) He didn't have access to the internet, and B) He was willing to spend money on something stupid like that.

Phone sex operators are paid actors who just go along with what whatever gets you off; That's their job. I don't consider that to be the same thing as having cyber sex with someone, or something. So maybe it wasn't really AS bad as you're thinking.




It's still bad, though. Don't get me wrong.
 
Blöde Frage am Rande .. ist er genauso alt wie du? Wenn ja könnte ich mir da düster sowas vorstellen dass es für ihn eine Art Kompromiss ist .. also so Pornos sind ja auf Dauer langweilig, als Schwuler ist es aber über die blauen Seiten uä ja nun nicht grade schwer reale "action" zu kriegen (erst recht in dem Alter). Die aber holt er sich nicht weil er nicht fremdgehen will und nimmt dann etwas ein wenig "realeres" wie Telefonsex ..
 
I guess that we don't think alike...

I'd be laughing my ass off -- and asking him for all the intimate details... :lol:

But -- he should respect your limits -- or, at least, discuss why he believes they are unreasonable with you...

:):):)
 
Dude,

I think you two have other issues..He didn't so much lie as to defuse a situation...the tone of your post sounds like you might be a bit controlling???
or jealous???

The talk line is like a porn flick when you aren't around...something to jerk
off with or to.. I assumr he is allowed to jerk off without you there...ues?
He could have gone to the village and gotten the Real LIVE thing...key words
.... Real and Live.

Fight your battles, thats healthy just don't make everything a battle.[-X#-o;)
 
Corny said:
Blöde Frage am Rande .. ist er genauso alt wie du? Wenn ja könnte ich mir da düster sowas vorstellen dass es für ihn eine Art Kompromiss ist .. also so Pornos sind ja auf Dauer langweilig, als Schwuler ist es aber über die blauen Seiten uä ja nun nicht grade schwer reale "action" zu kriegen (erst recht in dem Alter). Die aber holt er sich nicht weil er nicht fremdgehen will und nimmt dann etwas ein wenig "realeres" wie Telefonsex ..
Click to expand...

What is "die blauen Seiten"? the blue sites? The porn sites?
 
He fessed up and you got the truth from him. He genuinely sounded very lonely without you, that should actually make you feel kind of . . . loved? Be thankful he didn't resort to hooking up with a live stranger in person. I wouldn't linger on this; just move on and give him another chance.
 
Corny said:
Blöde Frage am Rande .. ist er genauso alt wie du? Wenn ja könnte ich mir da düster sowas vorstellen dass es für ihn eine Art Kompromiss ist .. also so Pornos sind ja auf Dauer langweilig, als Schwuler ist es aber über die blauen Seiten uä ja nun nicht grade schwer reale "action" zu kriegen (erst recht in dem Alter). Die aber holt er sich nicht weil er nicht fremdgehen will und nimmt dann etwas ein wenig "realeres" wie Telefonsex ..
Click to expand...

Naja, er ist in meinem Alter, aber ein Paar Jahre älter als ich schon. Du hast allerdings recht, wenn du meinst, dass es für ihn eigentlich sehr einfach wäre, einen Sexdate über GR oder noch so was zu kriegen, und so schlimm wie fremdgehen fand ich die Aktion eigentlich nicht. Aber mein Problem mit dem Telefonsex war gerade, dass es halt ein bisschen "realer" ist als ein Porno reinzuziehen. Davon abgesehen, hab ich ihm ja schonmal gesagt, dass ich es nicht in Ordnung finde, wenn er Telefonsex hat.
 
Thank you everyone for your advice. We ended up having a deep discussion about the matter an how I had felt more or less as if there were a betrayal of trust, simply because I have expressed to him before, that I don't like him having phone sex. But I do believe we have worked things out, and I made very clear to him that it simply shouldn't happen again.

His reason for not calling me for phone sex (which I still think is ridiculous) is that he doesn't get off on having phone sex with his partner, only with people he doesn't know. We spoke on the phone everyday while I was gone, so the opportunity would have been there, certainly. But I suppose that's just something we're going to have to work on.
 
Nun, ich glaube ich würde mir beim Telefonsex mit meinem Partner auch recht panne vorkommen ... weil man mit ihm ja eher den realen Sex hat ;) Kann da schon nachvollziehen dass es mit einem fremden eher den "Kick" gibt - andererseits kann ich dem ganzen generell nicht viel abgewinnen.
Nun habt ihr das Gespräch gehabt, von daher ist weitere Analyse sinnlos .. ich hoffe ihr konntet es klären und eure Grenzen abstecken (camsex .. ;) ? )
 
Blöde Frage am Rande .. ist er genauso alt wie du? Wenn ja könnte ich mir da düster sowas vorstellen dass es für ihn eine Art Kompromiss ist .. also so Pornos sind ja auf Dauer langweilig, als Schwuler ist es aber über die blauen Seiten uä ja nun nicht grade schwer reale "action" zu kriegen (erst recht in dem Alter). Die aber holt er sich nicht weil er nicht fremdgehen will und nimmt dann etwas ein wenig "realeres" wie Telefonsex ..
Click to expand...


And the google translation reads....

Silly question on the edge .. He is as old as you? If so, I could imagine myself as bleak sowas that it is for him a sort of compromise .. So porn is so boring in the long run yes, but it is about as gay in the blue pages even now not just uä (seriously get real "action" first) right at that age. But he does not bring himself because he does not want to be unfaithful, and then takes something a bit "more real" like phone sex ..

Now I think I understand.....

But seriously.

Talk to your partner and cut him a little slack. Because otherwise it sounds like he's going to be looking for a face to face encounter with another guy...and you won't have him at all.
 
^ basically that's about what I said. (what you said .. not google translate .. lol)
 
It was just his the fact that I had told him before that I didn't want him having phone sex with other men, and he said he isn't comfortable having phone sex with me, so we left it at that. I don't mind him looking at porn, obviously I do the same, but I do have issues with the fact that he is having that interaction with someone other than myself. Call me controlling or whatever, but I just feel like if everything is going well in a relationship, then there is no need to persue something such as phone/cyber sex.
 
rareboy said:
And the google translation reads....

Silly question on the edge .. He is as old as you? If so, I could imagine myself as bleak sowas that it is for him a sort of compromise .. So porn is so boring in the long run yes, but it is about as gay in the blue pages even now not just uä (seriously get real "action" first) right at that age. But he does not bring himself because he does not want to be unfaithful, and then takes something a bit "more real" like phone sex ..
Click to expand...

LMBAO! Completely intelligible.

...I just feel like if everything is going well in a relationship, then there is no need to persue something such as phone/cyber sex...
Click to expand...

I think I agree with you.
 
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