What is the difference between honestly taking a break (which is what I'm trying to do, but inherently involves ignoring him/backing away) and "playing a mindgame" back? It seems like a lot of people here think that my decision to ignore/back away is just another mindgame that feeds the cycle. I'm trying to do the normal thing - not escalate, but back off, not as a game, but because I'm honestly exhausted, and yeah, I think there is a better chance of coming around healthily if the games stop.
As for bad INTJ's being sociopaths, yeah, I've definitely gotten that vibe from him, and it freaks me out, how manipulating and conniving they can be... but they're just extremely strategic. I'm not sure yet if I can call someone all bad - like I said in my initial post, I'm no angel here either... But I'm curious, what separates a good INTJ from a bad one?
Rolyo - I think you sound a little judgmental to assume that in all the off-and-on chaotic stuff, that in a year of sleeping with each other and being lovers/friends/not sure/, that we don't have any real emotions or tender moments together, and that it's like, ALL BAD. Obviously I wouldn't bother with hope if it was all bad. There is some good, and I love that good. But in any case I am going to quit talking to him for a while and date other people, because the thought of him being with another guy, in and of itself, is getting to me too much.
my dear james,
i'm sorry if you misunderstood my intention when i said 'take a break'. i should have stated it a bit clearer. my bad.
what i meant to say when i said that is that you should take some time off for yourself, as in a real vacation, away from him for a short while. in my experience, it seems that to physically go away in terms of a real vacation, is quite helpful in relaxing and your mind from the accumulated cares of life. And once you come back, you feel refreshed in dealing with stuff again with a clearer head and possibly a better plan or disposition.
you can also consider dating other guys a vacation from him, in this sense. but aside from dating, i think you really need to go away for yourself - treat yourself to a real vacation. Europe? Rio? London? SF?
i'm not an expert in the INTJ etc. stuff terms that you guys are into, so i won't go there and pretend i know something about it.
i sincerely hope to see you and him find a more conventional relationship without the BDSM mindset because i feel that somewhere deep inside, you both want a regular relationship and the BDSM is the only thing poisoning an awesome relationship and i would wish that you two can find it and engage in a happy and healthy relationship.
we haven't met obviously but i could sense the delicious tension and underlying desire you have for this guy. you want him. i can see it from here. i can see that you crave the sex. that intense feeling when you both bond together in bed, no doubt is a HUGE factor why you like him. who wouldn't? and that's what i mean. it's like you had cocaine and you can't stop the craving. he craves you too because you both feed each other
(i didn't realize the pun there). he doesn't get that intensity without you either. so all you have to figure out now is how to cut away the BDSM aspect and leave the sexual intensity of it!
ok. so now, you said that you want to back away a little bit. i think that's healthy for you. i think you should follow your own advice and start dating other people because he's with another guy in any case. you are right not to initiate contact in order to train yourself from needing him (i know how hard it is - i've been in this kind of situation before). if he contacts you, fine. say hi. say, i hope you're doing ok. i would hope that you still say hi when you see him passing by, that is being civil. you might even have occasions where you might have lunch with him together with your friends, why not? you can distance yourself from him without totally avoiding him. it trains you about self-control. don't get me wrong, this is difficult.
suppose he says, 'can i see you?' that's when you start to back off a little bit by replying, 'but aren't you dating this other guy? maybe it's not such a good idea at the moment.' i'm sure a lot of scenarios can play out but stick to your guns. 'i'm starting to see other guys too while you're still dating your guy. i'm not doing this to play those mind games we play with each other. i want to break the cycle. i'm looking for a more conventional relationship, that's why i'm starting to date. if we ever get back again, i want a more conventional relationship. no more BDSM shit. no more dom-sub games. intense fucking, sure. but no more mind games. i'm exhausted of that. and that will only happen when we both treat each other as equals. i'd still bottom, sure, but i won't be your sub anymore. i'm done with that shit.'
i can only imagine the make-up sex you are going to have if you do get back together again.
and as long as you don't go back to your old sex game addictions again, i think the two of you might make a decent couple.
this scenario may be too simplistic. life is never as simple as we plan. and besides, once you start seeing other guys, who knows? you might find someone better. that's the hope at least. although i can tell that by every letter you write, you still desire him. perfectly typical and normal and predictable.
"Hope. It is the quintessential human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness." - the Architect, The Matrix.
i hope you the best in resolving this for the better. for your health and peace of mind.
