Cheated on or had intentions...

[LuvBoys]

Hey everyone. This is actually my first thread, but I've recently gotten myself into a situation and need to vent to people who might understand what I'm going through. This is incredibly long, but I'd really appreciate if people actually read the whole thing! Any advice or input is always appreciated!

For starters I'm 25 and I met a guy who is 18. I recognize the generational gap and normally prefer to either date older or closer to my age but we had chemistry from the beginning so I chose to ignore the age gap.

I posted an ad on craigslist (I know, hear me out) that had nothing to do with hooking up or having sex of any kind. I simply thought I had nothing to lose and put up an ad looking for friends and great people to connect with. I had a few responses but one in particular struck my eye, which was the guy I'm talking about. He was very well spoken for someone of his age and he had a mature way about the way he came across.

We exchanged a few emails and added each other to myspace and had great exchanges with each other! He was very sweet and enthusiastic about meeting me so we arranged to meet on Valentines Day. We decided to do dinner and a movie and had great conversation at dinner. We had an instant chemistry that's hard to find. He eventually revealed to me that he had a previous drug problem but it was only about a 3 or 4 months phase when he was around his previous roommate. I have experience with drugs as my mother has been an addict my whole life, so I should have taken that as a warning, but he was so sweet and I couldn't believe he'd ever done a wrong thing in his life.

He also told me that he was living with his brother at the moment but he needed to move out because his brother is having a baby (well his wife duh), and they needed the room. His parents live in a 5th wheel trailer because they sold their house and are currently looking for another one. I asked him where he was going to go and he said he didn't know but that he'd find somewhere. He had like a week to move out. I was instantly worried about him after hearing that and given that he was so sweet and we hit it off so well I decided after our date that I would send him a message saying that if he didn't have anywhere else to go that he could stay with me. I live alone and would have enjoyed the company, and we seemed to get along really well. I just had a gut feeling that I could trust him and that it was the right decision.

He moved in a week after we met. Things were great at first! We got along greatly. I decided not to charge him rent or utilities or anything because he didn't have any money and I thought maybe he could start saving up (so stupid I know). He works for his dad but only works about 20 hours a week, which wasn't the best way to save money. On top of that he got his drivers license taken away a few weeks prior for some kind of unpaid parking ticket, so he didn't have a vehicle. I was the transportation everywhere and didn't even ask for gas money.

Over the course of the next couple weeks we did a lot of fun things. I took him out to movies, dinner quite often, went to the live theater a couple times, starbucks, etc... I always paid for everything because he didn't have money. I went grocery shopping and of course he didn't contribute but had no problem putting whatever he wanted into the cart. He's been auditioning for the local production of High School Musical and I took him and picked him up from that a couple times and ended up waiting 3 hours in the car for him to get out the first time and the second time he called me to pick him up and I waited 35 minutes before finally leaving because he didn't come out. He called me a bit after that wondering where I was and I told him I waited half an hour for him but left because he didn't come out. Well the last week or so I have started to feel taken advantage of.

We had a really long discussion one night because on top of all this he revealed to me that he's an alcoholic. I have a substance abuse issue because of my mother so that was the last thing I needed to hear! I told him about my issues and that I wanted to help him work through it any way I could, but that his drinking made me very uncomfortable partly because he's only 18 and isn't even supposed to be having alcohol. I was basically enabling him by having in the house but he told me he'd get it anyway somehow. I don't drink at all, so I just didn't like having it there for him to access. I have told him from the beginning that he could trust me with anything and he could talk to me about anything and I wouldn't be judgmental with him. I told him trust and communication were the most important aspects of a relationship and we had to have both of them openly in order to succeed together.

That same night he revealed that he was uncomfortable with the fact that we started having sex so soon and that he didn't like having it every night because he liked spontaneity and surprise. He didn't want it to be a routine. This is despite the fact that he told me he's horny all the time and that I could play with him whenever I wanted. Talk about mixed signals. So I told him it was just fine to slow down and to just kiss and cuddle for now.

Anyway, cut to the last week and I have started to feel really used. He became kind of cold and withdrawn for no reason. I was going out of town for a week to visit family so he would be here at my place by himself. I took him grocery shopping before I left so he would have food for the week and he didn't even thank me. A few days before we went shopping because he needed new shoes and new pants for his audition. Well he failed to mention to me that he didn't have any money to pay for these items and so when the cashier asked for the money he kind of looked at me and said "umm can you help me out?" So I ended up having to pay for the items. He didn't bother asking me for help beforehand just sprang it on me when we were paying.

I was kind of worried about us when I left. I mean I trusted him enough to be here by myself while I was gone but worried a little bit about who he would bring over. I began to notice comments on his myspace with him inviting guys over "to his place," to watch a movie or "I have my own apartment." Obviously it's not his, it's mine and he didn't bother mentioning he was in a relationship. He was also giving out the number of my work cell phone which I have been letting him use so he wasn't stranded with no phone while I was gone.

Well when I got back from my trip there was a lovely note on the fridge saying how he couldn't wait to see me again and have me in his arms. It was really nice and made me feel really good. I knew I still had to talk to him about how I was feeling taken advantage of, but the note was a step in the right direction. I decided to check his myspace messages because I felt a tad bit suspicious and I don't think he knows I know how to access his messages. Well I was absolutely crushed by what I found...

He had been messaging guys and having inappropriate conversations with them. He messaged one boy and said "we need to play soon, I need you inside me!!!" (which makes me feel horrible because he didn't bottom with me) and then another guy asked him when he could come over and "put his nice cock in his warm wet mouth," and my guy responded with "you can come over anytime you want to!" Another guy who is 48 years old he said he wanted to kiss in the backseat of the movie theatre, to which my guy replied that we would love to. I can't describe the feeling I got reading these things. I was absolutely sick to my stomach. I couldn't stop shaking, I cried. I've never experienced these feelings before and it felt like someone ripped my guts out. I have bent over backwards for him the time he's been here and paid for everything and taken him out and provided love and support and he returns the favor by screwing around behind my back. I was just gutted.

So I texted the friend he was with and told her to tell him that he's got to come home and move his stuff out by tomorrow. He called me to find out why I was kicking him out and we had a shitty conversation and he revealed to me that he finds me hard to talk to and intimidating, which I was completely blown away by because I've told him a hundred times he can talk to me about anything. I always keep a level head and I don't explode. He also said that it felt like we were married and everything was a routine, which I can't figure out why because I try to do fun things all the time with him. I also asked him why he would want us to hold off on having sex when he's just trying to get it somewhere else behind my back. I'm not tooting my own horn but I have been damn good in bed with him. Even sex was one sided, he's a very selfish person. At the end of the conversation he told me he didnt' want to talk about it anymore because it was "stressing him out" and he didn't want to ruin his night (he was out of town for a night with said female friend). God forbid a conversation about him screwing around behind my back stress him out. I even had a warning from his ex boyfriend when he found out we were together that he would screw me. Everyone I knew warned me that were were moving too fast, but I couldn't see this side of him until lately.

I feel so sick inside that he would say those things to other guys when he's with me. Everything was so great in the beginning and I bent over backwards for him getting little to nothing in return. How could he do this to me and act like it was my fault? He didn't apologize or anything! I just feel sick and hurt and awful about it. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? I've never been cheated on a it has ripped my guts out. I feel so damn stupid now. He's been playing me the entire time. He's told me I'm amazing and he loves me and that he's found "Mr. Right." I can't believe he could do this to me in my own apartment while I'm gone, and not even have the decency to at least send me a note or a letter or something about how he's feeling! I'm so hurt I could cry and I'm so angry I could strangle him. I had to take the day off work because he's got a key to my apartment and I don't trust him while I'm gone to work to move out and I don't know when he's coming back! I just feel so screwed over.

Does anyone have any advice on how to get over this feeling and move on? I just get sick everytime I think about it. I've never gone through this before and it's a different kind of hurt that is just awful to have. Any input (besides damn you're stupid) is appreciated! I hope someone reads this whole thing!

 

[Aflute04]

Hmmm well, I've never been in that situation so I can't help you with the issues of getting over him... But I'd strongly suggest getting new locks on your doors.

 

[KaraBulut]

There's a lot of very telling things that you did that are mistakes that you do not want to repeat. But, let's put aside the history here and focus on what needs to be done today.

You need to end this unhealthy relationship and get this guy out of your home. As long as he is there, he will play on your emotions and you will fall back into the same pattern. The two of you are unhealthy together and are just going to hurt each other more.

You need to call one of your coldest, toughest friends. Tell the friend the story and have them with you when you talk to your roommate. This friend's function is to keep you from being manipulated by the emotions of the situation.

Tell the roommate to come get his stuff. Give him a deadline.

If the roommate does not have a place to go, you should take out a rental unit, buy a nice lock and prepay the rent on the storage unit for 3 months.

If needed, help the guy move his stuff or have the cold tough friend help him. If he doesn't get his stuff by the deadline, move it to the storage unit. Give him the key to the storage unit lock and keep a copy for yourself.

Change your locks.

Change your phone number if needed. Block his phone number.

If he comes to your apartment, call your mean friend and have them remind you why you threw the roommate out.

And then get into therapy so that you don't repeat this mistake again.

 

[luismex911]

wow dude this is so sad, i mean this guy had everything with u, and he didnt apreciated, i think im in the same situation with my boyfriend, cuz, im giving him EVEYRTHING and hes acting in the same way as ur guy, but i havent found any of those "messages", i wish i could help u, but i need some advices as well

 

[G-Lexington]

I'll say it anyway - damn, you're stupid. Sir, I don't know if he played you like an XBox, but it obviously didn't go the way you wanted.

You offered him a place to stay, room and board, and whatever else he wanted. In exchange, not too surprisingly, you expected him to be thankful. And that included him being yours sexually, and exclusively to boot.

He apparently wasn't down with that. He assumed your gifts were exactly that -gifts - and didn't need to be repaid in any way shape or form. He'll gladly accept anything you send his way, but don't go expecting anything going the other direction - not even a "thank you".

Kara's plan sounds good.

Give him a week to get out. At the end of the week, rent a storage facility, hand the guy the key, and show him the door.

Change the locks, change your number.

Block his e-mail, block him on myspace.

If he leaves you a note, throw it away - don't read it.

Prepare to get a reputation among his friends and colleagues as "the controlling fuck who thought he owned me". Nothing you can do about that - accept it.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

Prepare to get a reputation among his friends and colleagues as "the controlling fuck who thought he owned me". Nothing you can do about that - accept it.

Accept it and own it.

It's the beginning, hopefully of a life where you find better and healthier boyfriends. And better and healthier self-esteem. And better and healthier choices.

 

[Ron Apple]

Hey there, i can say that this hasnt happened to me, but dont get urself down. He stuffed up, not you. You're the one that told him to be open. So its just as well you found out the tough way, since you would of been fooled even longer if you hadnt

I like the friend idea when you talk to him, he will try to turn your finger one last time im sure, so make sure you got someone objective there. (Preferably someone who can sense when someone is trying to be persuasive and deceptive)

And yea, break contact with him and take this as a lesson in life and move on. There is no use worrying about the past, especially since there is nothing that you can do to change it. I realized this lesson only recently.

Go out with some friends, have a good time. You are a good guy who looks out for other people, it's a good quality to have. When you get the "Im-being-taken-advantage-of" feeling, then you will know what to do next time (Im sure)

Remember that he will want to make you feel bad now, but no matter what he says, always remember that YOU went out YOUR way to help him. You had everything to lose, whereas he had next-to-nothing to lose ... CASE CLOSED

Anyways, dont beat urself up, there are much nicer guys around.
Ron

 

[rareboy]

Kara and G-Lex said it all.

Next time around, you won't be so naive.

 

[LuvBoys]

I'll say it anyway - damn, you're stupid. Sir, I don't know if he played you like an XBox, but it obviously didn't go the way you wanted.

You offered him a place to stay, room and board, and whatever else he wanted. In exchange, not too surprisingly, you expected him to be thankful. And that included him being yours sexually, and exclusively to boot.

He apparently wasn't down with that. He assumed your gifts were exactly that -gifts - and didn't need to be repaid in any way shape or form. He'll gladly accept anything you send his way, but don't go expecting anything going the other direction - not even a "thank you".

Kara's plan sounds good.

Give him a week to get out. At the end of the week, rent a storage facility, hand the guy the key, and show him the door.

Change the locks, change your number.

Block his e-mail, block him on myspace.

If he leaves you a note, throw it away - don't read it.

Prepare to get a reputation among his friends and colleagues as "the controlling fuck who thought he owned me". Nothing you can do about that - accept it.

Lex

Hehe give it to me straight, don't hold back or anything I realize the mistake I made and will learn from it, but it still hurts.

It wasn't just a situation where he got room and board, I mean we were in a relationship together, that was established. We were exclusive with each other, all that was discussed. It's not like I expected a sexual slave, I mean we were boyfriends and quite frankly he got it a lot better than I did sexually, because he wasn't much worth a damn in bed.

I expect some sort of negative reputation with his friends, but I couldn't give less of a damn. I wasn't one bit controlling. It wasn't the situation you're picturing with me putting a leash on him and expecting a servant for all I did. I only wanted his love, trust, and communication in return (which he was the first one to tell me he loved me very early on before we moved in together).

He came and got his stuff today with pretty much no eye contact and no communication. He's acting like I'm the bad guy here. I got my feelings out, I sent him a really long letter explaining how I felt and I didn't say anything disrespectful or do any name calling. I feel better now that it's over with. He gave me his key and my phone and I'm having the doorknobs changed just in case.

I appreciate all the kind words, I just really needed to vent! It helps to know that others have gone through this situation!

 

[G-Lexington]

I wasn't really picturing you being controlling. As I said, your expectations weren't that surprising, or even out of line. He apparently agreed to them, in voice but not in heart. In which case, yes, he DID play you like an XBox.

And of course he's painting you as the bad guy. You're kicking him out, right? I mean, after all the "love" and "pleasure" he gave you? How can you be so cruel? (/sarcasm)

Nice to know there wasn't much of a scene. And unless I miss my guess, the 48-year-old who'd like to make out in the movie theater will be hearing a sob story about some mean asshole who threw him out for absolutely no reason whatsoever, and your guy will suddenly have a new place to live.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

It wasn't just a situation where he got room and board, I mean we were in a relationship together, that was established. We were exclusive with each other, all that was discussed. It's not like I expected a sexual slave, I mean we were boyfriends and quite frankly he got it a lot better than I did sexually, because he wasn't much worth a damn in bed.

It's very difficult to evaluate a relationship between two people based upon a forum post but it sounds like you were in a relationship. He was in a situation of convenience.

This young man is confused and pretty messed up for an 18 year old. Drugs, alcohol, dysfunctional family... Perhaps he meant well but my guess is that you were not the first person that he got into this type of "relationship" with, nor will you be the last.

Go back and read your original post and note all the situations where you were emotionally manipulated by this boy's messed up life. One of the problems with situations like this is that you can't be someone's caretaker, their lover and be their equal. You assumed a parental role with a well-intentioned attempt to fix this problems. In the end, you got hustled.

Everyone is looking for love in this world. But unless you want to repeat this story over and over, you need to start asking yourself some very difficult questions about how you got into this situation.

You deserve better.

 

[KaraBulut]

P.S. I know it sounds like Lex and I call each other but we don't even know each other. I suspect we've both seen this situation a few times before.

I've never been in this situation exactly. I've just been that cold, tough friend who has come over when the "boyfriend" is getting thrown out.

 

[LuvBoys]

Go back and read your original post and note all the situations where you were emotionally manipulated by this boy's messed up life. One of the problems with situations like this is that you can't be someone's caretaker, their lover and be their equal. You assumed a parental role with a well-intentioned attempt to fix this problems. In the end, you got hustled.

Bingo! I think you made the point right there. I was wrong to assume I could somehow "save" him from his problems by covering it up with financial support, shelter and such. A relationship can't be healthy or equal when one person has to worry and take care of the other person constantly. I got hustled big time, I can realize that. I'm mad at myself for allowing it but I was so smitten with him that I just didn't get it until it was too late. I refuse to believe someone is that good at pretending to care about me though, I just know there was something there. I think the fact that we moved so fast scared him silly and made him run away because he's emotionally unstable. I hate knowing that certain people are out there to play with human emotion because boy does it hurt something fierce on a whole different level. One minute I cry and the next I want to ring the little bastards neck!

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Dude:

You are 25. With all the due respect, you are still going through a learning curve that might be somewhat steeper than a curve of a say, 48 years old guy.

You are entitled to make your own mistakes and you are very much entitled to pay for them and learn from them, too.

Actually, one way or the other, we are all trialling and erring most of the times. It is called the 'joy of living' for a wont of a better word.

So, take a deep breath, get yourself your fav latte and relax. All is good. Yeah, you got hustled. Shit happens. And all of that is behind you. Over and done with. History. You are fine now.

Actually, I tend to agree with G-Lex and Kara most of the times. These guys do give sound advice.

Yet, you CAN be both someone's caretaker and their lover at the same time. Both guys must have, what it takes, though: complete integrity AND that part of the relationship must be very strictly transitional. You must have a very clear idea that you are helping someone out for a certain period of time and not a day longer.

You also must always insist that they do their utmost to reduce your burden and contribute accordingly by all means that they have at that time. (If you can't buy your groceries, you CAN do some household work. You can do laundry, too. You can make sure that the car looks good. You can do quite a bit, if you need to.)

Last but not least, if you ever feel inclined to assume the role of a caretaker, even for a reasonably short time, make sure that your friend fully understands and agrees to the rules you are setting. This is essential. There is no free ride in life and everybody knows that. Having a clear set of 'do's and 'no do's' is a great way for both guys to get a chance of feeling that they are in a fair relationship and that, if rules are broken, consequences are inevitable. Your integrity and your adherence to your promise and your word may give that other dude a good example, too. Indeed, integrity tends to breed more integrity.

If you wait for someone for hours just to give him a free ride back home, to your place and at your own expense, the least he can do is to be absolutely on time. Or he can worry about a warm bed that nite later on??? Love or no love, some people must face hardships in order to start thinking about their actions and the damage they may be causing to the others. Little pain here and there can help a dude grow into a good man. (You messed it up. You clean it up.)

Not everyone comes over as a perfect embodiment of an emotionally intelligent guy. Yet, much does depend on you and how you kick start his 'good side' back to life. Ever so often, you'll win, and ever so often you'll fail. But it does help to know that you are doing the right thing.

SC

 

[KaraBulut]

Bingo! I think you made the point right there. I was wrong to assume I could somehow "save" him from his problems by covering it up with financial support, shelter and such. A relationship can't be healthy or equal when one person has to worry and take care of the other person constantly. I got hustled big time, I can realize that. I'm mad at myself for allowing it but I was so smitten with him that I just didn't get it until it was too late. I refuse to believe someone is that good at pretending to care about me though, I just know there was something there. I think the fact that we moved so fast scared him silly and made him run away because he's emotionally unstable. I hate knowing that certain people are out there to play with human emotion because boy does it hurt something fierce on a whole different level. One minute I cry and the next I want to ring the little bastards neck!

It's good that you see the caretaking behavior.

It is a fine line. There are times in relationships where one person has to give a little more than the other. But when you have a relationship that is or becomes completely one-sided, then it stops being a less a relationship of equals and more a daddy-son thing.

If you stop and think about it, the relationship probably deteriorated as you continued to give more and he continued to give less.

The catalyst for this is a boy who is desperate and misguided. He found a caretaker. These things become patterns though and given his troubled history, I think it is a pattern that he will repeat again and again.

You, on the other hand, have the opportunity to break the cycle. Boyfriends are supposed to love you not be your project.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Luvboys,

Mate... you fell in love. Simple. And it swept you up and made everything perfect. Thats what it does. It makes intelligent articulate guys go to mush. And even after we cock things up royally we'd happily run off and do it again.

Don't beat yourself up too much mate... you've had an experience that has taught you so much... and the best part is that you see that. It says a lot about you that you are able to understand what went wrong and that you can accept that you'd made mistakes... thats something to feel really good about... it means even now you are learning lifes lessons.

You can love too much, and you can care too much Luvboys. And when you give too much you not only lose yourself, you force the other guy to be something they're maybe not too.

Next time mate, just play your cards closer to your chest. Hold back a little, dont be so quick to give away your heart - its a valuable thing - until you are sure they deserve it. Take your lessons from here mate and protect yourself and your heart. Its the size of Texas and theres no need for you to work so hard at letting others see that... its obvious. You just have to trust that others see it too.

Now mate, its time to move on, knowing that even the best intentions can go awry. But take solace from the fact that its far better to be you with your values and integrity than some heartless and selfish other. You've just got to remember to look after you too.

 

[Yngbldhwk]

LuvBoys: There are so many red herrings in your story -- the push for living together early on, the lopsided money situation, the selfish behavior in bed -- that it's almost too obvious to say, but your friend (?) was a classic user. And he played you like a fiddle. And I'll bet that you weren't the first person he's done it to, and probably won't be the last. Something tells me he's a fairly attractive person, and his looks are what's getting him ahead and not his sterling character.

As disappointing and sad as it was, consider it a learning experience, albeit a rough one. It's over, hopefully, and you're lucky that you didn't invest even more time (and money) in him. You are much better off without him.

If you believe in karma, someday, when his looks have faded and he has to survive on his integrity and personal character, he may get what I like to call a karmic kick in the *ss.

 

[Yngbldhwk]

LuvBoys: P.S. I don't know how much access he had to your things -- it sounds like a lot -- but you might want to examine your credit card statements and/or checkbook very closely for the period of time he was with you.

 

[LuvBoys]

Well guys, I so much appreciate the kind words! It makes me feel a lot better so thank you! I think every day gets easier, although I do feel fine now if I don't think too much about it. Your mind can wander and it can really start to steer you in the wrong direction if you're not careful! Thanks again! All the advice has been wonderfully kind and warm!