Cheating and Forgiveness??

[Motyrassy]

I need advice.

Me and my long time boyfriend have had a few issues lately, we have fallen into a routine of not talking about anything real and having a lot of sex. I had considered cheating on him or breaking up with him but I wanted to work out our issues before I did anything to jeopardize this. Last Thursday he called me and told me he wanted to meet. He was crying, I could hear it in his voice. I met him at his place and he told me we had to break up. We had to break up because just an hour before he made a mistake; he had fucked someone else.

The biggest surprise about this was not that he had cheated (remember, I considered it also) but that I wasn't upset. I wasn't surprised. I wasn't angry. At first, when the shock was in place, I was able to see myself forgiving him for this. Can you believe that? He tells me he is cheating and my first thought is how am I going to forgive him? We talked for about 3 hours about our relationship - finally healthy communication! For the first time in months I have been able to see how much I love him. How much he means to me. How much I care. We both have realized that we are deeply in love. I can't speak from his perspective, but he has done nothing but cry and hurt since the incident. Sometimes I think he hurts more than I do.

We are giving it one more week for me to decide if I am going to break up with him or not. He did cheat. Yes. But honestly I probably would have had another month gone by. Now I have no desire to cheat. Now I want to focus on us. I want to strengthen our love and trust. (and I kind of want to murder this guy he slept with, but thats between him, me and the police )

I am finding solace in all of this. I want to forgive him. I want to move on in our lives. I want all the things I wanted before he cheated. Is it possible to forgive a cheater?

Am I being stupid by giving him a second chance? Honestly, we're gay....and gays don't have the best tract record for monogamy....

Does anyone have any advice for me?

Also, second dilemma.... He fucked this other guy bareback.... so obviously I'm not letting him touch me until he gets tested. What tests should he have done? Does anyone have any advice for that? Should he get tested for EVERYTHING? and how long should we wait before he gets tested?

Any support or disputes would be helpful. I need an outsiders advice. I need a strangers advice. I need advice from someone who has been in my shoes before and made it work or has seen it fail.

Please, please, please help me.

With love.

 

[rareboy]

Give it some time.

If you can forgive and forget, all the more power to you.

If he cheated and realized that he didn't want to lose you, all the more power to him.

See how it plays out. But if he cheats again....you're going to have to call it quits.

 

[KaraBulut]

Infidelity doesn't ruin relationships.

Lies ruin relationship. Selfishness ruins relationships.

If the issue is that he slipped up, you can move on from it.

If the issue is that he's been doing things behind your back, neglecting his relationship with you, lying to you and acting in ways that damage the trust between you, then you're on the road to nowhere.

But only you can distinguish between a mistake and a pattern of lying and cheating.

 

[Nomenclature]

If someone's the cheating type, they'll do it again.

 

[Jo-thin]

wow this kinda reminds me of the situation Im in now :/ best luck to you man, I think you should forgive him, guilt is eating him up and why is it? but thats if you truly feels like he deserves a 2nd chance

 

[innocentbychoice]

Even though it's sad he cheated, he clearly loves you and respects you because he was brave enough to go to you and tell you. I think your relationship deserves a second chance, but that's between the 2 of you.

 

[bankside]

Can I just point out that it wasn't a mistake, and why I think it makes a difference. And then good news at the end.

This was infidelity. A mistake is when you plan to buy heinz ketchup but you grab the wrong bottle without noticing that it is actually the generic brand in your hand with a clever new label that looks just like the heinz.

He didn't set out to go to do something romantic with you but somehow slipped and accidentally wound up barebacking the wrong guy.

I'm sorry to be so blunt about it, but it really does matter that this was not a mistake. It is a sign of incredible immaturity about relationships, and profound disrespect for you. Something is seriously wrong with this guy's capacity to do relationships properly. He needs work.

The other part of this equation is you. You have had all of the same thoughts apparently. You didn't betray him with another man, but you had the frame of mind for an affair of your own even in the last few weeks. Again, it isn't a mistake, it is a choice.

So rather than talking to us about it, I'd simply point out that you're both in about the same place at the same time as far as relationships go, and that place is "pretty far from hope."

Now the good news.

• At least you're talking.
• At least from your own experience you know how he feels, even if it is hard to admit, because you were in exactly the same shoes within a week of him, even if you didn't go through with it.

Maybe you can both make a commitment to grow together. You can each strengthen what you bring to a relationship until you have enough strengths to contribute that your bond will be a strong one. Each of you has to do that, but if you're both willing, then each of you can do that at each other's side. You are not required to forgive him. But you are certainly allowed to. He is not entitled to your trust, but you can permit him to re-earn it. And maybe you can find common ground.

 

[TX-Beau]

Yeah, people make choices. No one falls over and mistakenly shoves a hard cock up some innocent bystanders ass.

So, from what your saying, you think that he cheated and it saved your relationship. That kinda sounds like justification. You both were in the same cheating place, but he did it, the he felt guilty, and that's pretty much what that sounds like.

You haven't said anything that leads one to believe that you addressed the underlying issues that drove you both to the cheating place, and frankly, if you don't end a commitment before you betray it, that does not bode well for either of your consideration or maturity.

Now it's certainly possible that you both needed a wake up call, just be sure that your interpreting which wake up that is correctly.

 

[dirtyturtle]

I will say that I was the cheater, it was a rough time in my relationship with my boyfriend. (and we are still together) I found someone that would listen to me and I let things get to far and I know I was the one at fault, so I told him. I gave him space and he called me on the phone as we are long distance, and we talked about it and now we are stronger than ever. I have never had anyone be as patient with me as he has. So just because the person did cheat never means the end, it might mean a new beginning.

 

[Motyrassy]

Thank you all for your input and intelligent opinions on my problem. It has been over two weeks since I was cheated on and I have a bit more clarity in the situation. I know now that we needed something in our relationship to happen in order for us to get dialogue flowing. Prior to his infidelity we hardly talked about our emotions. We almost had a shallow relationship that was just droning on. We are now talking everyday about things other than just happy moments in our days; we are talking about uncertainties and fears.

I'm sure that the few days after I found out I was making all kinds of justifications for why. I spent hours researching on the internet, trying to find relationship help, cheating help, etc. A few days ago I decided that I needed to make a list of things that I wanted in the relationship in order to make it work. If any one of those 5 things are violated, the relationship is over. These are all things like "No cheating" and other standards in a relationship. I just had to have them writen out.

Where we are now in our relationship, nearly 3 weeks after the act of cheating, is happiness. Surprisingly we are happy. My trust in him is shattered, but I am willing to see if he could earn it back. I love him and I want us to work. This incident will always linger and I know if I even suspect that he will cheat on me again I will have no choice but to break up with him.

All of your comments have helped me, thank you, and please keep giving me your thoughts. With love.

 

[innocentbychoice]

I'm happy you guys are better. Take this as a chance to make your relationship better and remember, you have to work on it everyday because otherwise, it'll die.

 

[Beaux1991]

Honestly? I'd probably dump him after Ive cut his dick off, now this may be the latino in me coming out!

On the other hand, what is left of a relationship where one has allready cheated and the other has considered it?