Cheating and lies

[igamenir]

Hi, i kinda need an opinion on my behaving? :-[

Lets see about my relationship: I'm with my 41yo bf for about two years.
1st six months: We were happy, coz i was too young and unexperienced and i didnt know what i want. And we were having sex together, sometimes threesomes...
2nd six months: unfortunatelly i realized i don't like having sex with such an old guy. We were having sex, but i didn't like it and i cheated on him and i was denying it. I was thinking about breaking up with him.
3rd six months: We gave up having sex, i wasn't cheating on him so much and mostly i told him about what happened afterwards. My bf was sad, because "he loved me so much and never couldnt sleep with anyone else but me."
Last six months: I've been cheating on him even less and i always tells him the truth about all the guys i was chatting with. I said to him that i realized the Truth and Sincerit is very important in relationship. In september I said aloud what we both knew - That he dont attracts me anymore. And i added that i'm sorry, but i will be looking for some lovers, though i still love him and want to live with him. He replied his usual "I love you so much, i would never sleep with anyone else."
But he's still suspicious and thinks i have lots of lovers. He just don't trust me.

Well, the thing is when he didn't trust me, it was hard for me to trust him, i was getting a bit suspicious and one day i spied on his ICQ history ..... and i find out he was inviting some guys to our flat and having sex together, few times he was even talking with a friend about hiring a rentboy together. Some of these chats were from August, i.e. before his many "I would never..."


What do you think... Am I asshole that i am thinking about breaking up BECAUSE he is cheating on me and lies about it, even though i did all that in my past?

 

[Centexfarmer]

Have you tried putting yourself into your boyfriend's shoes?

Have you tried seeing things from his perspective?

What if he had said and done the things to you early on in your relationship that you said to him, what would your reaction have been?

Honestly?

 

[igamenir]

Re: Cheating and liesee

Have you tried putting yourself into your boyfriend's shoes?

Have you tried seeing things from his perspective?

What if he had said and done the things to you early on in your relationship that you said to him, what would your reaction have been?

Honestly?

Well, i know what you mean .... i'm not sure i would trust myself.
Though i know he was spying on my ICQ and iBoys (czech hookup site) and reading my history, so he knows i'm telling him truth.

Tell me more about your people. The kind that can write that and ask such a question, I mean.

I take it, i AM asshole


I know it's kinda fair, that he's cheating on me, when i was cheating on him ..... it's just i'm sick of all this and i would like to get off this carousel of lies, but i hard to see the way out. How to get his trust and the sincerity.

 

[topinboots]

What's good for the goose is good for the gander. What makes you think you're so special that you can go out and sleep with whom ever, but he can't do the same?

You've made him feel unattractive and doubt his sexual self worth. Of course he's going to hook up with others, just to see if he 'still has it'.

Of course he thinks you've lots of lovers, you've told him that you're seeing other guys. Just because he's not come to his own thoughts/feelings/lies/etc on his own terms doesn't make him wrong and you're right.
You're both heading down a destructive path on the relationship. A relationship should be to help each other feel good about themselves, not make each other feel inferior.

don't break up because he's lying to you. You've done it. and you've been there. You're just farther along in your feelings/relationship than he's progressed. Don't hold that against him. If you're going to break up. Do it for the right reason.

 

[topinboots]

how to get his trust and sincerity...It isn't about you. It's about him. maybe he doesn't trust you because he's not telling the truth.

 

[KaraBulut]

I recall your earlier threads. In these threads, Lex hinted that he didn't expect that things were going to work out given the way things were going.

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=226837

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/showthread.php?t=176607

Sometimes relationships die a slow death. This is one of those cases.

I'm not ever sure what your relationship is based upon- love? sex? money?

The answer to that questionsis there isn't much foundation to the relationship. It's unhealthy for you both and you would both be better off ending it.... before you do any more damage to each other.

 

[Eagle653]

You are obviously young (especially if you think a 41 yo is old). Anyway, you two do not belong together, and you both know it. Why continue?

No, you are not an asshole. You got into a relationship and it evaporated over time. That happens. Now is the time to re-join reality and each of you go about your lives.

Good luck.

 

[Homoerectus]

I agree with Eagle 653. When you start another long term relationship, be sure you are ready to settle down with one man. You know, this is probably going to come back and bite you in the ass, Your next guy will probably do you you what you did yo Lex. It is Karma.

 

[Lube]

Sounds like you two need to end this thing. You're not likely to ever make it work with all this under the bridge!

I recall your earlier threads. In these threads, Lex hinted that he didn't expect that things were going to work out given the way things were going.

Sometimes relationships die a slow death. This is one of those cases.

I'm not ever sure what your relationship is based upon- love? sex? money?

The answer to that questionsis there isn't much foundation to the relationship. It's unhealthy for you both and you would both be better off ending it.... before you do any more damage to each other.

You are obviously young (especially if you think a 41 yo is old). Anyway, you two do not belong together, and you both know it. Why continue?

No, you are not an asshole. You got into a relationship and it evaporated over time. That happens. Now is the time to re-join reality and each of you go about your lives.

Good luck.

These guys nailed it. Your original question is irrelevant: there is no relationship here.

It's time for you to move on. What's holding you back?

 

[swarley]

Why not just break up? It sounds like both of you are already trying to move on so it wouldn't be that hard to do. It's hard to gain trust back and after what both of you did to each other, it sounds like it would be easier and you would both be happier to just break it off and find what you really want.

 

[Centexfarmer]

Re: Cheating and liesee

Well, i know what you mean .... i'm not sure i would trust myself.
Though i know he was spying on my ICQ and iBoys (czech hookup site) and reading my history, so he knows i'm telling him truth.

More to the point then.

It's obvious that this guy does love you, otherwise he wouldn't have put up with all that you were offering him, and he to you in exchange for your love.

But now you're judging him for looking for greener pastures?

From what little that I know from what you've shared, your relationship has become "toxic" and your both guilty of poisoning it.

Just my perspective mind you.


KaraBulunt pretty much summed it up when he asked these questions:

I'm not ever sure what your relationship is based upon- love? sex? money?

You find the answer to those questions, and it will at least be a beginning in your figuring out where to go from there.

If you're hanging on for something to change, you're leaving yourself and your responsibilities in this "relationship" out of the equation.

 

[G-Lexington]

Let me see if I have this straight.

You've told him outright that you don't find him attractive. That you don't want to have sex with him anymore. That you're going to find other people to have sex with. (Despite not cheating on him "as much".) And despite this, you want to continue being in a relationship with him.

Then he went out and found other guys to have sex with.

...isn't this a good thing?

I mean, you like the guy, right? Apparently not sexually anymore (he's old), but in SOME way. Otherwise, you wouldn't want to stay in a relationship with him. And if you like him, you want him to be happy. And that "happy" should include "having great sex". And since you've specifically said it ain't gonna come from you, he's totally right to find it somewhere else. And you should be totally stoked that he's having great sex again.

...unless that's not how you pictured things. Unless you pictured the relationship as "I don't have sex with you, I have sex with whoever I want, you don't have sex with anybody." In which case, hey, good look finding someone to agree to your terms.

Lex

 

[youngnihilist]

You don't find the guy attractive. enough said.

 

[igamenir]

Let me see if I have this straight.

You've told him outright that you don't find him attractive. That you don't want to have sex with him anymore. That you're going to find other people to have sex with. (Despite not cheating on him "as much".) And despite this, you want to continue being in a relationship with him.

Then he went out and found other guys to have sex with.

...isn't this a good thing?

I mean, you like the guy, right? Apparently not sexually anymore (he's old), but in SOME way. Otherwise, you wouldn't want to stay in a relationship with him. And if you like him, you want him to be happy. And that "happy" should include "having great sex". And since you've specifically said it ain't gonna come from you, he's totally right to find it somewhere else. And you should be totally stoked that he's having great sex again.

...unless that's not how you pictured things. Unless you pictured the relationship as "I don't have sex with you, I have sex with whoever I want, you don't have sex with anybody." In which case, hey, good look finding someone to agree to your terms.

Lex

Actually, you have it straight but one thing - i don't mind him finding lovers (though the rentboys are a bit much), i was actually encouraging him to do that and he was repeating he would never sleep with anyone else... but he had and was lying about it and i don't understand why.

As for the thing what is holding our relationship - not sure, thinking about it, it's probably the habit (we used to each other) and money (i don't have a flat and he don't have money for a rent) and love (i don't want to break up when he's not able to pay his rent.. but i think some of my previous thread was about that)

 

[G-Lexington]

Then there's no problem as far as I can see. Tell him you found out he had sex with someone else, tell him you think that's great, and let him know you hope the guy was good.

Lex

 

[Lube]

As for the thing what is holding our relationship - not sure, thinking about it, it's probably the habit (we used to each other) and money (i don't have a flat and he don't have money for a rent) and love (i don't want to break up when he's not able to pay his rent.. but i think some of my previous thread was about that)

That's no reason to stay together.

Tell him to get another roommate to split the rent, and then you move out into a flat with someone else.

 

[igamenir]

Tell him to get another roommate to split the rent, and then you move out into a flat with someone else.

Oh, i own the flat ... so it'd be him moving ... and i pay all the fees (=rent) myself coz of his low wage .. but we're getting off topic on that one.

You're right... y'all... i kinda knew it has no future long time ago, and i'm probably just looking for more reasons to finally encourage myself to do it, since i couldn't yet ...

Tnx guys

 

[G-Lexington]

I'm glad you listened to Lube (and others). My belief was that you were too caught up in this to want to end it. Here's hoping you can follow through.

Lex