closet problem at work

[trikky]

hey guys I have this problem at work and I don't think the answer is just as easy as coming out.

basically I work in a very small office of 4 people in an industry which is quite alpha male. Anyway I am quite alpha male myself and often gay guys ask me in bars if I'm straight. It's not an act it's just me. I am not out to many people and not at work although I do have gay friends and go out on the local gay scene.

A few months ago I got a new secretary who is actually the best work colleague I have ever worked with. She is so well organised, her work is excellent and she has a great personality and we get on just so well. The problem is lately she has started kindof hitting on me It started when I went on holiday and bought her her favorite perfume from duty free (at her request) because she was covering for me. When I got it they were doing a promotion where they gave u a free designer bag, which I also gave her, but without telling her about the promo. Anway she told me a week later that she had been out with her friends and they admired her bag and she told them how she got it and one of them asked her if she was having an affair. She said "No but I'm working on it" and then laughed like it was a joke. She also told me that her friend said "yeah because you've not been happy in your marriage for the last 5 years have you." It felt like she was fishing to gauge my reactions. She keeps on saying things like that and joking about "our affair" and I am now getting worried at how often this is happening. People have started to notice and I think a couple of people actually think we are having an affair .

Now this isn't so easy as just coming out to her, because I think there is likely to be a lot of fallout if I do right now. At the mo I have been treating it all like a joke and not giving her any encouragement and I don't rise to the bait. My plan is to do this for a few months until her interest has waned before coming out to her. I think if I do it now, because of the close working relationship we have it could become impossible to continue and she is such a great secretary I don't want to lose her. HELP. Any ideas or feedback welcomed.

 

[Seasoned]

I used to use the, "I'm gay," excuse when women came on to me until I realized that that was totally unnecessary. It never touched upon the inappropriateness of the women's behavior. If the tables were turned she'd have you up on harassment charges. Sexualizing the workplace is unacceptable.

Are you her boss? Give her a warning if you are. If not, inform her boss. No one needs to feel uncomfortable at work due to sexual issues. Good luck.

 

[hylas]

coming out is great and you should work on it, because you owe it to yourself... but it really doesnt have anything to do with your situation here. just ignore her advances for a while, maybe drop some polite but clear signs that youre not intersted. if shes not letting up, take her aside and tell her that you feel like shes flirting with you and it needs to stop because its inappropriate. be clear but relaxed and friendly about it for minimum awkwardness if you want to keep her (because shes a good worker)

 

[KaraBulut]

A few years ago, I saw a coworker (male) making not-so-subtle hints toward a female coworker. She looked him in the face and said, "Your wife called last week asking about your expense check. So, how are your wife and your kids?"

That pretty much shut him down and put an end to the flirting.

Since then, when married women flirt, I say, "So, how are your husband and kids?". That seems to send the message and end the behavior.

If that doesn't work for you, then you need to tell her in private, "It was all in fun at first but I'm getting uncomfortable that people in the office might not know it's a joke and they might think there's something really going on. So, it would be better if you didn't say things like that anymore."

And if you're in a supervisory position, for your own protection, you should have a talk with your manager to let them know that you're having the discussion.

 

[Eagle653]

I had almost the identical problem a few years back. It was all very subtle, mostly nuances and subtle hints by her. She didn't report to me, but we worked in a fairly small, tight-knit office. She was also married.

One day, when we were alone, I started (an admittedly) rambling conversation about my life, how happy I was, and wouldn't change a thing. I wasn't interested in romance, and told her I admired people like her who were, and how much I respected people who found their soul-mate and life partner like she had. To drive home the point, I casually mentioned that I could never have a relationship with someone I worked with anyway--it was inappropriate and just not me.

I never heard a peep about it from then on. She got the message, and we continued a good working relationship until she got a nice promotion to another office.

This is tricky for you because I know you don't want to "confront the vague" and make a scene; nor do you want there to be tension or ill-will. This is the way I handled it. I'm sure there are other ways, too. I hope you can clarify your position to her, somehow, so she knows she doesn't have a chance.

Good luck--let us know what happens.

 

[backpacker]

Been there, done that a few times, except with single women. Normally I would just ignore the advances, but the remarks are so obvious that people think you are having an affair. That can be harmful to your career, therefore you may want to say something. The next time she makes a joke, I would let her know that her jokes are being taken the wrong way by some. Then add something like I know you don't mean anything be them, but for the sake of both of our reputations we need to cut out the jokes. That should certainly get the point across and allow her to save face.

 

[trikky]

One of the things which started this thread off was her texting me yesterday. You see she came in for an hour to put up the xmas decorations on her day off. She is very conscientious like that. Anyway I was going for lunch when she had finished and so we ended up going together for lunch. Now I know in hindsight that was a really stupid thing to do because it may send out the wrong signals etc, but anyway when we got back she drove off home in her car, but a work colleague had noticed that she had been in and that we had just come back to the office together, which probably convinces him that there is something going on. She anticipated this and texted me the following "I'll look forward to the interrogation tomorrow! Should I tell him the truth - after all we're not doing anything wrong - "yet" oops sorry - only kidding - I know u don't mix business with pleasure :-( xx "

I sent a text back which wasn't jokey at all and didn't acknowledge the flirting. Anyway today I think she realises that she had gone too far and she brought up the subject and said that she'll have to stop flirting or everyone will think we're having an affair so hopefully it will now all calm down :-/

 

[CabalNaaman]

Ok, so, apparently she now gets the fact you're not really interested. But she still doesn't know that you're gay. I do think you should let her know, probably sometime in the near future. I think it is importnt that she knows the real reason why you weren't into her, rather than making her guess or even feel insecure about herself. I understand coming out at work is not the easiest thing to do, but you should still let her know before she starts to actually develop deeper feelings! :S

I hope things turn out well.

 

[shainski]

i guess i don't agree that you need to tell her that you are gay. What if you weren't? You might very well not welcome this kind of interaction for a wide variety of reasons - the first being that she is married. She works with you.

You have a playful relationship with her - you get along. So it seems to me that you can "let her down" without making her feel bad.

something like: "You know, this is getting out of hand, and i'm afraid that both of our reputations will be harmed. You're married...let's step back on the flirting and inuendo before one or both of us gets hurt."

 

[CabalNaaman]

i guess i don't agree that you need to tell her that you are gay. What if you weren't? You might very well not welcome this kind of interaction for a wide variety of reasons - the first being that she is married. She works with you.

You have a playful relationship with her - you get along. So it seems to me that you can "let her down" without making her feel bad.

something like: "You know, this is getting out of hand, and i'm afraid that both of our reputations will be harmed. You're married...let's step back on the flirting and inuendo before one or both of us gets hurt."

You're right. I agree. I was just thinking of a way for him to let her know that he's not really into her, but without hurting her feelings. What you suggest is actually a very good way to let her know.

 

[trikky]

thanks for the input guys I think u are right that just telling her that we need to be stop the flirty joking now before it gets out of hand and also now that other people are beginning to notice. That seems like the best way out without causing hurt. Thanks guys

 

[backpacker]

Glad to hear that she seems to get that the flirting needs to stop. With any luck that will put an end to it.

 

[pojostick]

Situation averted. But you being gay was irrelevant.