Closet Relationships - Success Rate?

[Audio Tech]

Do you guys think it's possible to carry on a lifetime of this?

I can tell you from VERY personal experience that it is NOT. I had to live in misery until I was 45 years old to come to that realization. Hiding and secrets just eat you up from the inside. In the long run, it's better to live as who you truly are and being at ease with that.

 

[AlmondMilk]

I dated a guy for about a year and 4 months. I would periodically apologize to him for not introducing him to my family. I told him I wasn't out. He said it was ok. When we were in the process of breaking up, he finally told me that he found the relationship unfair. He introduced me to his family and friends, yet I apparently didn't. I did, though. I introduced him to my friends I still keep in touch with. Even though the "hanging out" was just meeting up and getting caught up with each other at restaurants, that's pretty much what my hanging out with friends entails. All of my friends are busy, so we don't really have the time to just hang out and play video games or something.

I found it very unfair. He withdrew these feelings not to make me sad, but in the end, they just confirmed that the relationship just wouldn't last.

I'm sure for someone it would last, but not for the majority of people. My ex was out, I'm not. And I will come out on my own pace.... not his...nor my family's.

Now to your question, I'm not sure if I'd be able to keep a relationship on the downlow for a lifetime. Perhaps a couple of years, but any longer seems to just be dragging out the coming out process.

 

[altlover85]

Being in the closet sucks, but it's something that I have learned to accept about myself. I'm relatively young (26), educated, have a terrific job, great friends, and a great close-knit family - all of which I'm confident could be destroyed if I ever did come out (besides the age part). I've thought about it for years now and being secretly gay is just something that has to happen.

If the only way to have the job, friends, and family is to hide yourself, I don't think you really have these things to begin with. And anyway, no one can take away your education, so you'll have that even if everything else goes south, which I doubt it will.

Do you guys think it's possible to carry on a lifetime of this?

It might be possible, but I don't think it's really good for your mental health. Honestly, I don't think it's even going to be that big of an issue in the next 15 to 20 years, so I don't think you'll have to carry on a lifetime of being in the closet.

Regardless, I hope you find the strength to be able to come out at some point.

 

[lonnie1]

I lived in the closet as a married man for over 40 years. It provides many perks such as children and great family experiences. However, the guilt that takes over poisons your life. If you can bring yourself to do it, be who you really are. There are support groups around the country to help you get through it. In the long run, particularly in 2011, you can have many of the things formerly unavailable like kids, a good job and friends. I'm not sure where you live, but most people in your life will be very understanding or simply not care. Think about it.

 

[TX-Beau]

I suppose you wanted us to tell you that you can have your cake and eat it too.

Well, you can try, but if you decide to live your life hiding - you'll end up an old man pondering a lifetime of regrets. That's how that story ends - and no matter how understanding an out gay man may be in the beginning (if you can convince him to be understanding even then) the years you ask him to live your lie will eventually drive him away from you.

That's certainty. You can't base a relationship on deception and expect it to last.

Right now you're 26, your family and friends don't even know who you are, you've decided to lie to them for the rest of your life, so, the question is, what might you do about that? Plus, remember, the longer you wait, the harder it gets.

You don't live in 1950, and even in the most conservative parts of our country, things are multitudes better than what they were. So why have you just decided to live like that?

It's not your friends. It's not your family - it never is - it's you, your fear is keeping you in that closet of yours, your issues with yourself.

A gay man who's proud of himself and has come to terms with himself will be out, no matter the people, no matter the location. Because in the end, we come out for ourselves - to have that life you think lying will give you - only honestly. Or we don't come out at all.

Aren't you tired of the isolation? The fear? The loneliness? Doesn't it piss you off that you have to pretend to be someone else BECAUSE someone else put a bunch of bigoted crap in your head? Don't you just want to be free of this burden that consumes your existence?

You can be, but you have to choose to be, and that starts with telling yourself, that there's nothing wrong with being gay, and if someone else has a problem with it, fuck them.

It's your life to live on your terms. Seize it.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Number-7,

Thanks for your posting, and no need to tell us more about your private life if you feel uncomfortable about it. You tell us that you are 26, and educated, and that you have a terrific job. I tend to give you an honest reply. You asked me:

Do you guys think it's possible to carry on a lifetime of this?

My answer = NO & NO & NO.

You told us:

I want to find Mr. Right and spend my life with him.

I really hope soon you will find this nice guy, and that you will be able to spend the rest of your life together with him.

But this will not happen, as long as you stay deep in the closet. No serious guy will be able to maintain a long-term partner (so living together with you in one house, and being a partner) when you insist in staying deep, deep in the closet.

How do you see such a future?

You are living in your house with a 'room-mate'? Is your future partner allowed to let his people (friends / family and so on) know that you are his life-time partner? Would you like to marry with him? Would you like to buy a house with your 'room-mate'? Do you want to spend any holiday with your 'room-mate'? Excuse me very much, but that does not work for a couple who wants to spend the rest of their life as partners.

Do you like to go on with 'lying' to your family? I tend to think that 'lying' to parents is not very good for well-educated guys of 26 with a good job. Are you / your family christians? Towards my knowledge, 'lying' is not allowed for christians.

You are an educated guy, so I would like to tell you that you try to combine 2 things you cannot combine with each other. Soon (already?) your 'story' of a 'straight guy without a girlfriend, still looking around for a nice girl' will not work anymore. I tend to think (am I right?) that your family expects that, soon or later, you will introduce them to your GF. Maybe they provide you (now and then) with some hints?

How about all girls / females at your work? Why doesn't he ('nice guy of 26 = 'Number-7 = you') has a girlfriend? Why? Why? Ugly? Dumb? Weirdo? gay? Too busy with work? Sick? Uneducated? Very Rude? Quite a few girls like to gossip (a lot), and they will be aware that you are single? Why? Quite a few girls never stop thinking about such an item. Maybe some of these girls have already detected you (=identified as gay).

So all is up to you.

(1): don't bother anymore about the issues of your family and work (why wouldn't they accept you), and start dating a guy. And introduce him to your family when you have found him. You want to built up your own family, and the education of your parents etc is finished (you are 26, so you are an adult).

You don't need to ask your parents for pocketmoney, for a pair of new clothes and you don't need to hide from your parents (family) that you want to drink alcohol. Same is true for the one you would like to date. That's your business, and not anymore the business of your parents / family.

(2): or do you want to 'poison your life'?

Excuse me very much that I am so negative about this, but I really hope you find to guts to open yourself (or just don't bother anymore about your sexual orientation).
---------------------------------------------------------

Having a bf is a very easy way to let people around you that you are gay.

Them (when confronted with BF) ', so you are gay?
You: 'Ofcourse, you had not yet noticed?'?
OR 'Straight guys don't date guys, so isn't it a bit a dumb question?'
OR (....).

 

[Seasoned]

Being afraid is not a healthy way to live. It will do damage to you in ways you can't foresee. I was married to a woman and I have 2 children. I'm glad I have my children, but I didn't live the way I needed to. I got married to the man that I've been with for 28 years in a church as we were pronounced husbands. You need to live the life that honors your authentic self. Trust me on this one.

 

[NCDogGuy]

I can tell you from VERY personal experience that it is NOT. I had to live in misery until I was 45 years old to come to that realization. Hiding and secrets just eat you up from the inside. In the long run, it's better to live as who you truly are and being at ease with that.

what he said. I'm 44. And getting married to a woman because it is what you think others want you to do is .... Unwise.

 

[DigitalFudge]

Well, not much of what has been said is exactly what I WANT to hear. But maybe it's what I NEED to hear

Think about this: You are 40 years old, in the closet and miserable. Really, let that sink in.

You will be cursing your 26-year-old-self for not nutting up and doing what you needed to do.

I personally don't know how people last that long I curse out my 14 year old self for not having the balls but that's just me.

You say you will lose people? Fuck that, if they want to leave they will be losing you.

It will take a lot of conviction and honesty to come out for you. All things people in this world are lucky to find in a relationship with someone else. If that is a romantic or platonic relationship; It doesn't matter.


It is of course up to you what you do, I just hope you find some relief.

 

[Rolyo85]

I came out when I was 25. I'm 26 now, and hating myself for not doing it years ago. My life changed unimaginably in just a few short months. I am much more accomplished, confident and successful in all my interaction with people. Not to mention liking myself quite a bit more.

No, you can't have anything worth having while in the closet. And yes, you might find Mr Right, and if you are a catch, he might stay with you in the closet for a while. Then it will be too much and he will leave you. And you will still be in the same miserable condition, only broken.


Honestly, you've gotten enough good natured advice already. I'll just be nasty and tell you that the way you matter of factly described how you're just gonna stay in the closet completely and totally grossed me out. The fact that someone could really think that's anything other than a self-destructive travesty scares me...

 

[Rolyo85]

Oh, and PS, I didn't lose anything or anyone. I just gained the world.