Closeted=NO HOPE for relationship?

[Shyboyjoy]

We're moving more toward a western culture where the idea of "coming out" is probably going to be limited to teenagers and maybe a few people who come to the realization later in life.

For the rest of gay people, it will be just like it is for straight people- one day you just mention a "boyfriend" or bring a guy to a social event to introduce to friends and family.

Your straight friends don't have to announce that they're fucking someone of the opposite gender but they also don't have to lie about it, either. And that's a perfectly acceptable for gay people, too. The days of a defined "coming out" will eventually be a thing of the past.

The added bonus when you put an end to the pretending, the evasions, the changing of genders and all the stuff that comes with the closet, it does make it easier to meet guys, to date and to have a normal life... and to exhale.

There you go! By the way you mind telling me how you met your partner?

 

[Shyboyjoy]

One more question I have. Is it wise to make sure what the other party wants in the very beginning? Let's say I meet a cute guy at a bar and we start talking and I can feel that something is going on. Is it stupid to ask if he is just looking for fun?

 

[Seasoned]

I think what some closeted people don't realize is that as soon as they make their intentions known to another person they are in the process of coming out, not to their family or friends, but, nonetheless, to someone. That can actually rachet up the fear level because it can cause you to spend more time looking over your shoulder, and that is why there is so much advice to be out.

As far as finding someone compatible, it's the most difficult when meeting one guy at a time and wishing he's the one. It's easiest when you're part of an association or social club where you have contact with lots of people all at the same time.

That being said, people have been in same sex closeted partnerships since the beginning of time. As people have become less afraid of being themselves they've become more open. In general an open person would find it difficult, even impossible, to be in a ltr with someone closeted, and vice versa.

It's easier to find sex as a closeted person than it is to find a relationship unless, perhaps, you're living in a repressive society.

 

[pilotguy121a]

We sound pretty similar. I was 20 and in college, I still lived with my parents. I started searching/posting to craigslist, not really sure what I was looking for. One thing I did know, I wasn't planning on coming out in the near future. Seasoned really hit it, as soon as you start looking for a boyfriend or some gay friends, you are in the coming out process. By putting yourself out there, it starts to build a sense of acceptance, at least for me it did.

I didn't find anyone I was looking for until the following year, I met my current bf on Jack'd. I did meet him while in the closet but after meeting him and realizing that it would be far to difficult to continue to meet him/have a relationship while still in the closet, the following day I came out. We have been together for two years now.

So being out of the closet makes things a lot easier. Also, it may have a bit to do with where you live, as a pointed out already. Either way, I hope you find what you are looking for! You sound like a genuine dude!

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Shyboyjoy.

Thanks alot for your friendly reply. Good to hear that some of your close friends (at college) are already aware that you are gay and that you also had alot of freedom when not living at home.

I tend to think that your main theme is around "how i can better my chance of finding a boyfriend."

Well, you told us: "Although many friends of mine are curious about why i dont look for gf, they did not ask me if i am gay".

Please be aware that quite a few straight guys, in particular the polite ones, won't ask you point blank if you might be gay.

On the other hand, these guys are curious why you don't look around for a girlfriend. Please note that this will not stop. On top of that, some of them might already have figured out why you don't seem to be interested in girls. Please note that single girls around them and around you will have noticed that you don't have interest in them.

Telling all these friends that you are gay will widen your circle of possibilities of finding a nice boyfriend / a nice gay friend. Maybe some of them will have another gay friend / brother / cousin (whatever). Any idea if these group of friends are homophobes?

Best wishes.

 

[MilkShake83]

hi Shyboyjoy.

Thanks alot for your friendly reply. Good to hear that some of your close friends (at college) are already aware that you are gay and that you also had alot of freedom when not living at home.

I tend to think that your main theme is around "how i can better my chance of finding a boyfriend."

Well, you told us: "Although many friends of mine are curious about why i dont look for gf, they did not ask me if i am gay".

Please be aware that quite a few straight guys, in particular the polite ones, won't ask you point blank if you might be gay.

On the other hand, these guys are curious why you don't look around for a girlfriend. Please note that this will not stop. On top of that, some of them might already have figured out why you don't seem to be interested in girls. Please note that single girls around them and around you will have noticed that you don't have interest in them.

Telling all these friends that you are gay will widen your circle of possibilities of finding a nice boyfriend / a nice gay friend. Maybe some of them will have another gay friend / brother / cousin (whatever). Any idea if these group of friends are homophobes?

Best wishes.

So going to bars, clubs, hotspots, and internet dating just isn't enough, huh? We have to let the entire town or as many people know that we are gay in order to have more of a chance of meeting great guys? That's Fucking ridiculous. Some of the places I just don't like going to because of the drag queens. I don't want to be around that. I don't care who knows about my sexual preference, but I'm not the type that goes around parading my sexuality. Straights don't have to do that, why should we

 

[Ganoderma]

hi MilkShake83,

Excuse me very much that my posting was not very clear.

Please note that I have not told OP that he should walk around with clear marks which indicate that he is gay. My sole purpose was to point out to OP (= Shyboyjoy) that Karabulut (#20) made some very valuable remarks. Quite a few straight guys don't bark around that they are straight, they just incorporate a girlfriend in their life whenever they get a girlfriend.

I have examples within my -large- circle of friends / aquaintances in which I have seen how such straight guys start to incorporate in a very natural way their girlfriend in their public life. One of these guys never ever had a girlfriend. It was a very nice and a very kind guy. For years and years, he already had a job, but he was still living together with his parents. At a certain moment, he started to undertake common activities with 'Female Name' (an unknown person). The guy has a very popular website and activities with 'Female Name' were just reported on his website (otherwise he would report that he undertook the same activity with one of his friends). Now he is married with her, they live together and both are very happy when they got a kid.

So straight guys don't bother they are straight, and open gay guys don't bother they are gay. Such gay guys won't need to look over their shoulder when drinking coffee with one of their gay friends in a very public surrounding , in case some of their relatives will notice them.

I still lack your argument why you shouldn't tell your straight friends the real reason why you don't look around for a girlfriend. Please note that we are currently living in 2014, so almost all straight guys will be aware what might be the real reason why OP is mute when his friends are talking about girls / girlfriends (shy / gay / ugly / ....).

Feel free to react.

 

[MilkShake83]

Wow, you lost me a couple of lines in...the rest is just garbage.

 

[Shyboyjoy]

Guys!!! Updates!!!!

So I met this guy through a dating site. And he just asked me out tomorrow. I suggest lunch. Anyone have any tips for tomorrow? What should we do after lunch??? HEEEEELP!!!!!

 

[Shyboyjoy]

Also, I dont drive and the city I am in has no good public transportation. I am thinking taking a taxi. I also prefer to meet at downtown......

 

[KaraBulut]

So I met this guy through a dating site. And he just asked me out tomorrow. I suggest lunch. Anyone have any tips for tomorrow? What should we do after lunch??? HEEEEELP!!!!!

If it goes well, how about make plans for another date? Don't try to do everything on the first date.

 

[Shyboyjoy]

If it goes well, how about make plans for another date? Don't try to do everything on the first date.

He is driving to me to meet because we are about 30 miles away and I dont have a car. We planed a lunch but didn't say anything else. However, I think he somehow suggested hanging out at my place because it's 60% chance that it is gonna rain. But I said I prefer to eat lunch since its the first date and he said he prefer lunch too.

But I kinda feel bad that he has to drive 20 minutes. How should I turn him down if he asks to go to my place? (I'm 100% not going to have sex).

 

[Craiger]

But I kinda feel bad that he has to drive 20 minutes. How should I turn him down if he asks to go to my place? (I'm 100% not going to have sex).

Hey SBJ,

It's OK to feel bad about his having to driver 20 minutes, but don't let that influence you to accept anything that is not to your liking. If he asks to go to your place and you are uncomfortable after having lunch explain that you would prefer to make it for a future time and also that you don't have sex on the first date. You are not obligated to agree to anything you do not want. After you have met him for lunch and get a feeling of his character and you are not sure, be honest and explain your feelings. That's when you can make, or not, arrangements for a second meeting. If he is looking for a friendship and not just a hookup, he will understand completely and abide by your decisions. Good luck and hopefully it will be a very enjoyable time.

Craiger

 

[Shyboyjoy]

Hey SBJ,

It's OK to feel bad about his having to driver 20 minutes, but don't let that influence you to accept anything that is not to your liking. If he asks to go to your place and you are uncomfortable after having lunch explain that you would prefer to make it for a future time and also that you don't have sex on the first date. You are not obligated to agree to anything you do not want. After you have met him for lunch and get a feeling of his character and you are not sure, be honest and explain your feelings. That's when you can make, or not, arrangements for a second meeting. If he is looking for a friendship and not just a hookup, he will understand completely and abide by your decisions. Good luck and hopefully it will be a very enjoyable time.

Craiger

Thank you for the advice!! I hope it will go well too haha

 

[TX-Beau]

It is utterly and completely an asshole move to ask someone to lie for you.

IF you are in the closet, you are NOT relationship potential. Period.

 

[KaraBulut]

But I kinda feel bad that he has to drive 20 minutes.

Then offer to buy his lunch. It's a gesture but you don't owe him anything.

How should I turn him down if he asks to go to my place? (I'm 100% not going to have sex).

You just say, "I have some things that I need to do, so I have to go. But I'd like to see you again - so, why don't we plan something for next weekend when I can hang out longer?"

 

[checkinthingsout]

Thank you so much! I got your point. But do you think people actually meet "the right one" in a bar? I was told most of them are there for hook ups and fun. Just like people don't really look for LTR on craiglist, instead they are there for hook ups. Not saying I dont like fun or judge people who do go to a gay bar. Plus, is there a difference between a bar and a pub or club? Sorry if I sound stupid

I'm in the U.S., so Bar tends to have a different meaning than club...I would say that is pretty true for gay clubs, but if you go to a gay bar or gay friendly restaurant, you could sit down and have a couple drinks on Sunday afternoon or for happy hour during the week and potentially run into someone cool. And I think that how you come off will usually attract the right person. (i.e. if you arent looking for sex, dont go shirtless or with a ripped up tank top and short shorts lol.

 

[Shyboyjoy]

I'm in the U.S., so Bar tends to have a different meaning than club...I would say that is pretty true for gay clubs, but if you go to a gay bar or gay friendly restaurant, you could sit down and have a couple drinks on Sunday afternoon or for happy hour during the week and potentially run into someone cool. And I think that how you come off will usually attract the right person. (i.e. if you arent looking for sex, dont go shirtless or with a ripped up tank top and short shorts lol.

I'm in the U.S too. Guess I should try a gay bar then. But its gonna be really awkward for me since I've never been to one...

 

[checkinthingsout]

I'm in the U.S too. Guess I should try a gay bar then. But its gonna be really awkward for me since I've never been to one...

I went to my first one in February of this year, for a trivia night. It was almost the same as any other bar on a monday night except for the MC dressed in drag, which I thought would be very uncomfortable since I am not really into that, but it wasnt. I just felt normal and I had a good time.

Also, a very wise friend once told me, awkward is a choice. So dont go in there with that mind set, go in thinking that you belong, because you do.

Keep us posted on the guy you meet!

 

[darden]

I wouldn't say no hope, but yeah... dating a closeted guy is hard, and I'd say impossible if you're in the closet with your friends as well as your family.

I could live with a guy who was just closeted to his family, especially if they weren't close or lived far away. but never getting to meet his friends or having to lie to them would make maintaining a relationship damn difficult.