College frat buddy

[unlboy09]

Okay Boys: I need some help with this friend I have. I am in my second year of college and meet my friend this summer at a leadership institute. We both joined the same fraternity and are really good friends. We do everything together and hang out with alot of the same people. A little bit about myself, I am bi curious and experimented with a couple guys last year in college. Its a thing of the past and I have a steady relationship with girlfriend. My friend is a really touchy person, but i feel that it is different with me. He is always trying to lay on me or give me a hug from behind, or lean on me or rest his head of my shoulder. I usually give him shit or just let it pass but its been going on for a month now and its starting to bug me. We workout together and since I do not live at the fraternity i choose to go home and shower, he always makes the comments that i need to come shower at the fraternity so we can shower together. Tonight I asked him if I could change in his room because we both had a meeting right after class, he replied to me and said yeah come over, i haven't seen you naked, i just laughed and said whatever. What is your guys thoughts on this? I am worried because I planning on going to his hometown this weekend to help him with some stuff and to celebrate his birthday with some friends.

 

[unlboy09]

A little bit more to add to the story that will change your thoughts, I am not "out" by any means, and there would be no way that he even knows that I have done anything with a guy before.

 

[hackingnomberr]

Don't do anything unless he makes a move.
He's probably just really comfy with you. ;]
My best friend acts even more sexual than that with me, but I highly doubt anything would ever happen between us.~

 

[texan_slant]

Does he know that you've experimented?

Some of my friends are touchy with me like that. To me, it just sounds like a really sweet friendship, and perhaps, you should just let it be since he hasn't really crossed a line yet.

In other words, if you take a step back, there is no mal-intent or disrespect coming out if it - only friendship or affection.

Unfortunately, it sounds like it bugs you, so if it persists, you have to say something to him, avoid him, or stop hanging out with him.

 

[Seasoned]

I'm not getting a real handle about you through your post. You're obviously conflicted or you wouldn't be posting. First, let me welcome you. I'm glad you are here. Second, at this stage in your life, with no official committment, any rigidity you feel regarding your sexuality is coming from you. No matter what he does you have control over what you do.

I tried to will myself straight. I let a lot of opportunities slip by because of fear. You found JUB for a reason. If you are having difficulty around sexual orientation seek the help of a therapist. Self-acceptance is key to living a healthy life. You'll be happier if you don't fight what comes natural to you as long as it involves consenting adults. Best wishes.

 

[backpacker]

Okay Boys: I am bi curious and experimented with a couple guys last year in college. Its a thing of the past and I have a steady relationship with girlfriend.

I find it very interesting that you use the present tense "am" instead of "was". I have to wonder how much a thing of the past it is.

You have a steady relationship with a girl and I'll take you word that you are not interested in him sexually. Given the comments about showering together and seeing you naked, when combine with the other things you wrote, it sure sounds like he wants you. The reason I wrote the comment about "am" is that maybe you are subconsciously sending some signals to him. He could find the littlest thing a signal just like the zillion other guys who post here that are in love with their straight friend.

If things continue as they are now, the friendship will be over before too long. You need to resolve the sexual tension in some way. If it were me, I would have a heart to heart with him. Let him know that you are cool with him being gay if he is gay, but you want to make sure he knows that you are straight. Tell him that you are not sure if some of his actions are just being friendly or if he might be interested in you. Like him know that they make you uncomfortable and they need to stop. Then offer to help him find a boyfriend if he is gay. He needs a sexual partner that can reciprocate his feelings, which is the best way for him to get over an attraction to you (if he is attracted to you). I hope everything works out and that the two of you can look back and laugh about this in a few years. Don't forget to let him know how important his friendship is to you and that's why you are talking to him about this. Yes, I know this sounds pretty sappy for a couple of guys, but I'm sure you can find a way to get the point across without it being so sappy. You can always use "I love you man".

 

[TX-Beau]

If you're not interested there is no issue. If he's bothering you tell him to stop, if he's not, what's the problem?

The only issue I can see here is if you're worried other people are going to think the two of you are gay.

 

[slnattak]

part of you likes the attention. if it really bothered you then I doubt you'd broadcast it to the public. You get that *everyone* can read this, don't you?

idk man, he obviously fancies you. if you don't like him, then you need to tell him upfront that you're just not him in the way that he is into you. Otherwise he's gonna keep flirting with you, but I think a part of you is interested in it, you just want to have your cake and eat it too like a lot of guys.

 

[KaraBulut]

Underlying this is the question of whether you want this attention or not.

It's often a mixed bag- these gregarious, affectiionate, teddy-bear kind of guys are often fun to be around. And having anyone pay attention to you is flattering.

But it sounds like you have mixed feelings- that sometmes your friend goes too far and it stops being fun and starts being a little uncomfortable.

If it is uncomfortable, then it's up to you to draw the line. You can say, "OK. It's fine if you want to hug and put your head on my shoulder when we're not out in public but it just makes me uncomfortable when you cross the line and make it sexual with comments about showering together. One of the reasons that I like you is you make me laugh and we have a great time but I don't want our friendship to be hurt because I don't feel comfortable".

If your friend can't respect your boundaries, then you may need to be more forceful or even stop spending time with him. But again, this assumes that you don't like this behavior and you aren't encouraging it.

By the way, the question of whether you've experimented with guys, whether you're male or female or any of your personal traits are not relevant. Unwanted sexual advances are never okay and they are especially not okay when it's a friend that is making them.

 

[Blueboy369]

There is nothing wrong with innocent flirting. Say things like "You look hot dude" or "I'd hit it". Have fun, you can always laugh it off.