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Come out to parents while living at home vs after moved out

S

SAdude

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So Ive needing to make a choice about whether to study an extra year at university or move to the big city to my brother and sister and start working. The 1st person I met that new I was gay that I met on a gay chat site, I met in August. Ive been thinking that I need an extra year to get used to being gay and around gay guys which is why so far Ive decided to study an extra year, which would mean living at home for another year.

I want to ask your guys opinion, is it better to come out while at home so that parents can get used to it better? Or only after moving out to avoid conflict?
 
It depends on the parents. If coming out to them would be a negative experience (emotional turmoil, them throwing you out, or other negative energy), then why push it? Get out on your own and then live your own life and tell them when you want to.

If telling them will be no big deal, and in fact a positive experience, then you might want to consider doing that so that you can be more yourself and have a more honest relationship with them.

Good luck!
 
Eagle653 said:
It depends on the parents. If coming out to them would be a negative experience (emotional turmoil, them throwing you out, or other negative energy), then why push it? Get out on your own and then live your own life and tell them when you want to.

If telling them will be no big deal, and in fact a positive experience, then you might want to consider doing that so that you can be more yourself and have a more honest relationship with them.

Good luck!
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Thanks for the advice, well its complicated, I dont think it will be positive, at least not as 1st, my mom has said before 'I dont think Id be able to handle having a gay child', Im hoping she can get over the religous issue though, one thing she said which gave me hope was 'we can say being gay is wrong but what about intersex people?'

My dad on the other hand is very closed minded and none of us can argue with him or change his mind on anything. When I snuck to my 1st gay pride last month in another town, the mom of my new gay friend she that she would gladly talk to my parents when down in my town if I wanted, to help them deal with it.

Ive been thinking about not coming out to my parents at the same time though, as in maybe only my mom 1st
 
You're right, it is more complicated.

One way to handle it is to defer it all for now. If you tell you mother, and have her not tell your father, that puts her in the closet you're trying to come out of. If she does tell him, and he's as close-minded/conservative as you say, then you have tension throughout the house.

Some guys just wait until they're out of the house and leading their life. Then, hopefully that Mr. Right will come along, you'll start dating and you can then introduce him as your partner, all the while acting natural and confident. If they don't like it, you don't have to deal with it in your own home.

This may sound harsh, but I think that parents and friends who make statements like "I can't accept someone who's gay" just forfeited their right to know the real me.
 
Another thing to add, when I start working it will be in a town 4 hours away where my brother and sister have already moved to, so I wont see them much once I start working
 
What would the other benefits be of studying for an extra year?
 
altlover85 said:
What would the other benefits be of studying for an extra year?
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*Getting further ahead with my career
*More time to meet gay guys and maybe go to the 1 gay club in my small town
*More time to live my life which Ive basically put on hold until now
*More time to get comfortable being gay and around gay guys

Some disadvantages
*Im from a small town so chances are greater of being outed
 
Hey man!

This sounds like the situation i'm in! Right now, i'm not telling my parents until i'm moving out. Which is, hopefully, soon. I'm trying to find a place right now.

Can't you try to find a place AND study? Maybe try to get financial help from the government? Aren't there financial aid systems for situations like these?

My parents are very strict christians, so i know i should get the hell out of this house before i tell them, but getting to know some gay people better is a good preparation, too. I made a friend a while back, who says she is more than happy to let me stay at her place if the situation with my parents would turn out bad.

So if i can't find my own place AND decide to anyway out myself, i have a fallback. You should try to figure out some safety net, too.

Good luck, i hope you'll get out of this mess.
 
Definitely get further with your career / studies. and when they are complete and you are ging to work in another town and not staying with them anymore then it is ok for them to find out.

But you dont have to 'come out' to them. Just be yourself, and if they happen to find out in some way, just say 'oh didnt you know, everyone else seems to'

Yeah your sexuality is not big deal to anyone else other than yourself. In fact, it is none of their business, and i bet they dont discuss their sexuality with you.

My young friend, you dont have to come out to anyone at all, it is actually none of their business. Just make it a non-event.
 
Deandbn said:
Definitely get further with your career / studies. and when they are complete and you are ging to work in another town and not staying with them anymore then it is ok for them to find out.

But you dont have to 'come out' to them. Just be yourself, and if they happen to find out in some way, just say 'oh didnt you know, everyone else seems to'

Yeah your sexuality is not big deal to anyone else other than yourself. In fact, it is none of their business, and i bet they dont discuss their sexuality with you.

My young friend, you dont have to come out to anyone at all, it is actually none of their business. Just make it a non-event.
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Good to see another South African, Im from Bloemfontein btw, and the town Im referring to is Joburg

Its just we are a really close family, and when I went with my new gay friend to his parents last month for gay pride, and I saw him with his family, it made me realise that I also want that, and his family also didnt take it well at 1st.

This idea of a separate life and since Im living with my parents, id have to lie about where Im going and never being able to have gay friends over, its just I think how great it would be if I didnt have to lie and could bring friends over without worrying
 
It's really not about your parents. Coming out is about you. How comfortable are you with it? How willing are you to defend it, fight for it? How much risk are you willing to take?

You never know how they're going to take it. You almost always have to be prepared for the worst. Can you handle the worst? Then come out.

If you can't handle the worst, then delay coming out.
 
Lube said:
It's really not about your parents. Coming out is about you. How comfortable are you with it? How willing are you to defend it, fight for it? How much risk are you willing to take?

You never know how they're going to take it. You almost always have to be prepared for the worst. Can you handle the worst? Then come out.

If you can't handle the worst, then delay coming out.
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What about coming out to siblings 1st and taking their advice?
 
If you can trust them and want to burden them with that, sure.
 
I think he means, letting your siblings know, and not your parents puts pressure on them to keep the secret for you and puts them in the closet too.

I hope that made sense.
 
So, you mean it is bad to come out to your siblings first? that you should CO to all of your family at once?
Yet, they can be more open-minded and care less. In my case, I've just seen that on of my sister's friend on facebook is listed as in a relationship with another guy.
 
Stitch627 said:
So, you mean it is bad to come out to your siblings first? that you should CO to all of your family at once?
Yet, they can be more open-minded and care less. In my case, I've just seen that on of my sister's friend on facebook is listed as in a relationship with another guy.
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I don't know if I would use the word "bad". I just think of it as possibly putting your siblings in an awkward position if your parents asked them if you were dating or something like that.

I would think as long as your siblings seem to be gay-friendly, it's not that bad of a first step, as long as you come out to your parents at some point after. If it means that your siblings are the only ones that know for years, then yes, I would think of it as unfair to your siblings. If we are talking a few months to a year, I think that's understandable.
 
altlover85 said:
I don't know if I would use the word "bad". I just think of it as possibly putting your siblings in an awkward position if your parents asked them if you were dating or something like that.

I would think as long as your siblings seem to be gay-friendly, it's not that bad of a first step, as long as you come out to your parents at some point after. If it means that your siblings are the only ones that know for years, then yes, I would think of it as unfair to your siblings. If we are talking a few months to a year, I think that's understandable.
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Should I wait for independence before coming out to siblings though?
 
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