Coming out THIS Saturday

[GayJerseyGuy]

Ok guys:

So my parents are on vacation, and I'm heading up to visit my Aunt to take her out to lunch and to tell her that I'm gay. I'm 26, totally closeted, and in desperate need to "let loose." My Aunt will be the first person (family member) that I will tell. How do I go about doing it? Will she shit her pants, will she shrug, will so cry, will she say she kinda figured, etc. Also, I don't know exactly when I plan on telling my parents. It may take a while.

I trust me aunt and her reaction becuase she already has a gay nephew (not my cousin, but a guy from the other side of the family).

HELP, I need some really good advice!!! I'm scared out of my mind, but think that it'll be a huge relief once one of my family members knows.

 

[screwnutty]

well I'm going to leave this to the experts. I haven't had alot of experience in this department. But I will say to take it slow and try to relax. Figure out a way to slip it into the conversation. Good luck to you.

 

[halubtsi]

First, welcome to the boards.

I think it's great that you feel ready to come out and that you've actually made the plans to do so. However, just make sure that you follow through with your plans. You need to tell yourself that there will be nothing, come hell or high water, that will stop you from telling her.

You want to know your aunt's reaction? Unfortunately, only your aunt can tell you that with absolute certainty. Out of everyone here, you know your aunt the best. What I did in the days leading up to my full coming out was run through various scenarios/reactions in my mind. What helped me out the most was setting my sights on the absolute worst possible outcome and treating that as a fait accompli. If I know that the worst will happen and come to expect it, any other outcome will be positive.

I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for, though.

 

[GayJerseyGuy]

Thanks for the warm welcome!

Not sure what kind of advice I'm actually lookin for. I'm just looking for pretty much what you told me .

I'm not so much worried about my aunt, but about telling my parents, when I finally do that.

I think that if my aunt reacts cool about it, then maybe my parents will too.

I think that my parents probably know, but who knows for sure, right? I mean I'm 26 and have never really dated...so I'm sure they have a clue.

I'm just not sure how to "slip in" the gay comment. When would be the best time...? I'm trying to picture the senario in my head, and I just don't see how else to tell someone you're gay, without just blurting it out.

I dunno...just confused and worried....

 

[RicanDAB]

GayJerseyGuy,

I seem to be following you on the boards, as I just answered another post of yours about flight attendants

Anyway, I'm in the same quandary about coming out and as a New Years Resolution am attempting to being the process. Other guys that have been here can advise you better than I ... but I can tell you something that I am learning in the process: You can never predict how someone is going to react, and you just have to find a way to overcome your fear and just reveal it to your loved one. Evaluate what would hurt more, continuing to live in secrecy or learning of a loved one's disapproval. At this point in my life, the former is my personal choice.

You're 26 and you have not really dated? Hmm, unless your parents live under a rock, they I believe have at least a slight clue.

I'm going to start this week too, so I will be thinking of you as well ... good luck to you buddy

 

[GayJerseyGuy]

I'm in the same quandary about coming out and as a New Years Resolution am attempting to being the process.

I'm going to start this week too, so I will be thinking of you as well ... good luck to you buddy

Wow...it's nice to know that others had the same New Years Resolution. Let me know how it goes for you, as I will do the same.

I guess you're right...would I rather hide who I am versus having a loved one not accept me for being me.

I'm just scared of losing everyone. This of course is the worse case senairo...but it's still a valid fear.

You're 36, right? Do you think your parents, loved ones, as well as friends kinda sorta know about you being gay? Just wondering.

 

[GayJerseyGuy]

One other question...after I tell her, it it cool to tell her not to tell ANYONE? I want to do this myself when the time is right.

 

[halubtsi]

Your parents may have a clue, but their views on homosexuality will ultimately determine if they choose to "see the clues" or not. If they see homosexuality in a negative light, they'll probably make excuses as to why you're not dating. Most common excuse is: "he's just so busy..."

In many situations it's relatively easy to slip a comment about you being gay, without having the big dramatic coming out. With parents it's a bit more tricky. Imo, it's best to be direct with parents. That way, there's really no room for misinterpretation. My parents took the news pretty well. So much so, that my mom even said that if I wanted to move to "San Francisco or another city with a lot of gay people" they'd support me. (Don't you love stereotypes?) In my case, I was very direct, though a bit confused as to what being gay really meant at the time. All of my gay friends who told their parents have done it directly. They weren't slipped into conversations or anything. They just stated: "Mom, Dad...I've got something to tell you. I'm gay."

Concerning your other question about not telling others, I think it's fine. The fact is, it's you who's coming out. Not your aunt. When I told my parents, I asked them not to tell anyone. I wasn't ready for others to know. That was back in 2002. I was fully ready to come out completely by October 2005. I came out fully in November when I saw my friends again. You have the benefit of coming out at your own speed. You can tell whomever you want, whenever you want. In my case, I wanted all my friends to know ASAP. So, I told people by e-mail, MSN, by phone, in person AND through third parties. I told my friends that it wasn't a secret anymore. So, they told some mutual friends for me. (Last year I was living at least 800km from all of my friends...so it was difficult to see all of them) Nonetheless, the decision was always mine.

 

[hermanding]

gayjersey, rican is on the mark on what he said - never can predict a reaction, and the possibility that loved ones may recoil - and you have to be prepared for that. also, 26, no dates, parents probably have had a few discussions among themselves about that. i know this is not an easy declaration to make - there can be consequences. only you know how much you need to be YOU. good luck
ding

 

[RicanDAB]

Jersey,

Wow...it's nice to know that others had the same New Years Resolution. Let me know how it goes for you, as I will do the same.

I certainly will! Either by post or blog ... My first one of the year may actually occur TONIGHT! I sent a text message to my friend to see if he was available to chat on the phone tonight (hes @ 1200 miles away) ... no reply just yet.

I'm just scared of losing everyone. This of course is the worse case senairo...but it's still a valid fear.

I do not believe you would lose EVERYONE ... in fact you may not lose ANYONE ... I cannot predict anything tho ... but I have yet to personally hear of anyone that was left completely destitute over a coming out.

You're 36, right? Do you think your parents, loved ones, as well as friends kinda sorta know about you being gay? Just wondering.

THANKS for making me a year younger ... ugh, am I actually at that time of life when I get happy to be tagged as younger? I would have cum if you asked if I was 26 ... ... but I have been told I look 26 anyway so it's a wash!

My dad does not know, that is my only parent alive. I don't know if he knows/suspects either way since I am not too close to him to begin with. In my family only my cousin knows and although he accepts and never changed with me, we have never discussed it again (I should revive that related thread sometime with an update) ... most of my friends (straight friends that is) have not seen me with a girlfriend in a looong time (because I have been busy behind the scenes cultivating my male relationships) ... and I am almost positive that most of them will not be floored by the revelation.

One other question...after I tell her, it it cool to tell her not to tell ANYONE? I want to do this myself when the time is right.

Like halubtsi said, YES, that is fair game to do that. I would do that myself to certain people (people with mutual friends). I would guess eventually we'll get to a point that we won't care. As an aside, in anticipation of the call that I hope to have tonight, I asked my best friend if it was OK to "out" him to this guy since I know he's bound to ask (he said no prob) .. we were all classmates once and my best friend and I were always tight (but never sexual).

OK ... my heart just lept into my throat ... as I was typing the last paragraph, my friend replied by text that "Yes" I can call him later. Start wishing good things for me guys!!! Sheez, I feel like I am having a baby or something ...

 

[Theyoungman]

The best advice I have for you is to not make a big deal of it and just be yourself. Don't tell them that you are gay. Just be you and stop hiding the fact that you are attracted to men.

 

[colemanshs]

You can probably gauge her reaction based on how she talks about her other gay nephew. This is probably too late (seeing as how it is Saturday) but good luck and keep us updated!

 

[spreadeagle]

Yes - it's absolutley vital that you get your aunts guarantee of condidentiality before you tell her anything.

I assume at 26 you've attained a level of independence from your parents so that whatever the outcome you are still your own man.

 

[RicanDAB]

GayJerseyGuy ... we're eagerly awaiting your update, so please don't let Pianist's tea get cold ok???

 

[GayJerseyGuy]

GayJerseyGuy ... we're eagerly awaiting your update, so please don't let Pianist's tea get cold ok???

So I was over my Aunt's house, and I just couldn't find the right time and/or place to say what I needed to say. I was sooo darn pissed at myself...you can't even understand. I had these grandious plans, and totally bitched out. How sad am I?

I just didn't know exactly how to say what I needed to say.

I want to email her and tell her via email, but am wondering if this is an acceptable way of coming out? I just don't think I can do it in person. Can I do this? Is email not really cool?

HELP!

Thanks guys

 

[looseliam]

So I was over my Aunt's house, and I just couldn't find the right time and/or place to say what I needed to say. I was sooo darn pissed at myself...you can't even understand. I had these grandious plans, and totally bitched out. How sad am I?

I just didn't know exactly how to say what I needed to say.

I want to email her and tell her via email, but am wondering if this is an acceptable way of coming out? I just don't think I can do it in person. Can I do this? Is email not really cool?

HELP!

Thanks guys

I did the same thing the first couple of times I was to tell the first few people.

Don't rush it. It'll happen.

I'm not a fan of impersonal communication when it comes to matters like this. But do what you feel is best.

 

[RicanDAB]

GJG,

DO NOT feel bad about missing out an opportunity ... it happened to me. It took me two failed attempts before I was able to muster up the courage to finally tell one of my friends recently. You gotta either find that right opportunity in the conversation to segueway into it or just blurt it out so it's there on the table and there's no turning back - and just deal with what you threw out.

 

[hermanding]

jersey guy, it probably would be better to wait for another personal opportunity. email is not the best way of handling it. and youngguy has a point too. sometimes the best way of coming out is not to hide your life from others and let them figure it out. be you and take the view that the whole word already knows and you have nothing to conceal anymore
ding

 

[tommyj]

Good luck to u both! Rican, I wish I was in Daytona! Chilly up north here!