Coming out through drugs

[3x3is9]

Hi, My name is Ray, I'm 18, and I just joined this site tonight and I’ve already learned so much. I’ve got a drug program though. I can’t believe there aren’t more threads on drugs. I looked for 4 pages and didn’t find any. Hopefully it’s the right forum.

Alright, so there's a long anecdote to this question, but if you want to skip it, I’ll do a short version at the end:
I've been in denial my whole life about being gay, the usual story. I fooled around with a guy friend when I was 13, then went into denial and pushed him away. Went out with the girls to prove I was straight. Gave up and decided to be celibate. So the only experience I have is hitting all the bases with my young guy friend, and the few kissing I did with the girlfriends.

I just came out last April to one of my female friends Sara who had a crush on me. I felt too guilty to let her keep feeling that way, so I told her over MSN. Then it felt good so I told my other two best female friends. They all took it well, which is awesome. Then I decided to put it on Nexopia (something like mySpace) and a few old junior high guy friends found out, and they were cool with it. All in all I've had a great coming out - to my school friends.

My work friends I've had for longer. I just started going out and drinking in September with them (I never drank before - too scared I would let it slip) and it was all good. I started with alcohol, then I started smoking tabacco, then pot, and then one fateful night I tried ecstasy. (I was raised in a liberal family, and drugs were no big deal. I knew my parents did them, and it was never really a big deal for me. They know everything I’ve done, and their only concern is that I’ll go too far and get lost). I had half a pill and I had a blast. Later that night, I was snuggling with my friends Jon and Lisa, and they wanted a story. I started to tell something, and they kinda pushed me to continue. I was beating around the bush, and I could tell in their eyes that they knew what I was going to say, and I burst out crying (never cried in front of a person other than parents) and finally told them I was gay. They were so okay with it, and Jon actually said he was bi (he's a lil flamboyant, so I kinda always figured) and Lisa's twin sister was gay. They were cool, which was amazing. They told some other people, with my permission, and soon my whole group of friends from work knew I was gay, and were all okay with it. I’ve been fortunate.

The next weekend I went out with Jon and Lisa to Jon's house. We picked up some E on the way, and Jon and Lisa were gonna do some coke. I did half a pill again and I wasn't planning on doing coke, but I did end up doing it later. My other friends from work found out what I did and freaked on Jon and on me. My best friend Sara started crying when I told her - afraid I was getting too far. That scared me off the drugs for a couple months.

Fast forward to New Year's Eve. Myself and Jon were the only one of our work friends left in town, so we went and got some E and went to his house. I did one pill that night. We ended up going into the discussion of being gay, and as E tends to do, we started to touch and feel. We eventually started making out, and it was just awesome. It was more fun than intimate though. I didn't like the kissing that much, but then I've never been a big fan of kissing.

Anyway, a couple days later a few friends and us went to Lindsey's house and did some E. I did one and a half pills. I started to talk about being gay with them too, and when everyone went to bed Jon and I made out again, and this time it was intense and intimate (I got hard – never ever has that happened when I was with someone), but I freaked out when we started to kiss, and left for home.

That Friday we were at Jon's house again, this time no E. At the end of the night, we started to touch, but I just wasn't feeling it, and so we didn't do anything.

Saturday we went and danced at a club. I did two and a half pills that night. Best time I've ever had. We were with some people who didn't know I was gay, but I didn't even care when I touched Jon in front of them. It was so liberating. I felt amazing. That night we started to make out, and only stopped because I had to leave for work, but we hadn't got to the kissing stage.

SHORT VERSION:
Since September, I’ve gone out almost every weekend and partied, while escalating the drug ladder. I came out to my work friends while on ecstasy, and they are cool with me being gay. I did coke, but got scared, and probably won’t ever do it again, but I love E and how it feels. I’ve started making out with my friend Jon (who is bi), but I feel uncomfortable kissing or anything further. He’s a little disappointed, naturally, but he understands and he’s been there.

I really have two problems: One is that I can't get passed kissing with Jon. I start to panic, and I also panic when he moves to go further like undoing my belt or anything. I know that it will come with time, since this is still really new for me, and I really have just recently accepted that it’s okay to be gay. I’ve got the advice I needed from other threads, but any comments are welcome.

The second and probably more serious problem is that I love E, and I know I should stop doing it as often, but I love the feeling of just being okay with myself when I’m on it. The world just feels right and I can be who I am. It feels like I can be gay if I want to when I’m doing E. I have pretty good willpower and I know I can stop (right now anyway) if I wanted to, but I don’t want to, and I’m scared if I keep going I won’t be able to stop soon.

Has anyone gone through a similar situation? How did you deal with it?

Thanks, this site is amazing. It really helps to know there are others out there who are going through the same thing.

 

[kurtwild]

first of all you should stop using ecstasy right away.ecstasy is not better than coke.it ruins your brains,and you wont be able to remember things and you ll also get dummer.coke doesnt harm the brain as bad as ecstasy.

i know its easier to be yourself when you are wearing a mask,but dont let drugs be your mask.my boyfriend died out of drugs....

why are you scared if the guy wants to do more with you,like take of your pants and stuff like that?

 

[jcs0112]

first of all you should stop using ecstasy right away.ecstasy is not better than coke.it ruins your brains,and you wont be able to remember things and you ll also get dummer.coke doesnt harm the brain as bad as ecstasy.

First of all, this guy has no clue what he is talking about...

I would suggest you begin by informing yourself. You should read about ecstasy I would recommend a harm reduction site rather than an anti-drug site. I would recommend "Ecstasy: The Complete Guide. A Comprehensive Look At The Risks And Benefits of MDMA" for your initial experiences with Ecstasy. I would offer that anything in excess is a vice. Remember that balance in all spheres, everything that is important to you, is what matters. It is easy to get caught up in the lifestyle, I did, and I have a past that I have to deal with as a result...But, I am successful, with an advanced degree, a kick ass job, and I don't regret all the trouble I found as a kid. Personally I would say to enjoy each of your experiences for what they are, because one day you'll learn the lesson, and it will not be what it was...

Inform yourself about the risks you take when using drugs, and realize that the war on drugs is a social construction that is a response to the Crack-Cocaine epidemic of the 1980's which was onset by the Regean Administration's removal of federal funding for inner city urban areas. Read about the DEA's emergency scheduling of MDMA as a schedule 1 drug with little scientific analysis. I'd be happy to discuss at length once you inform yourself.

You might try other sites such as errowid and I think dancesafe is still up and running though probably underfunded.

I turned to drugs rather than come out to my family and friends back between 1999-2003 during undergrad. I only began to feel okay with myself once I moved to a big city and made friends that were my age and gay too, which was at the Resource Center of Dallas: FUSE! an MPowerment Project. The guys were great and we just hung out and had a good time and made sure we encouraged each other to have safer sex. I stayed in school, busted my ass, finally found a great man, and my life is great, but I work too freakin' much, which is not good for my relationship, which brings me back to remembering that everything in excess is a vice...work, partying, school, vitamin c, ecstasy, cocaine, whatever... Been there, done that, it gets old, just like everything, and then you find something else. But, I will say that ecstasy is special, and I think that the good shit can have truly theraputic affects on your soul. Just balance it with the rest of your life. It might take years, but you'll get there as other things become important to you.

You are young and living your life, just be careful, reduce the harm associated with your actions, and by all means have fun and stack up on some centrum performance vitamins and 5htp.

jcdfw52115.blogspot.com

http://www.ultramusicfestival.com

 

[Eagle653]

Hi 3x3, I've copied (not moved) this thread from the Coming Out forum here because your post really deals with two issues: drug use as well as coming out issues.

I thought perhaps this thread might get more attention and informed discusssion about the drug use part in this forum. I've left the original posting in the Coming Out forum for continuing discussion about the coming out aspect.

Good luck to you. It's difficult, but you are not alone.

 

[3nipples]

You're using Ecstasy not to enhance your fun but as a crutch. That can't be a good thing.

You already know that you will have to stop doing it at some time to avoid becoming dependant. I suggest the time is now.

 

[kurtwild]

First of all, this guy has no clue what he is talking about...

I would suggest you begin by informing yourself. You should read about ecstasy I would recommend a harm reduction site rather than an anti-drug site. I would recommend "Ecstasy: The Complete Guide. A Comprehensive Look At The Risks And Benefits of MDMA" for your initial experiences with Ecstasy. I would offer that anything in excess is a vice. Remember that balance in all spheres, everything that is important to you, is what matters. It is easy to get caught up in the lifestyle, I did, and I have a past that I have to deal with as a result...But, I am successful, with an advanced degree, a kick ass job, and I don't regret all the trouble I found as a kid. Personally I would say to enjoy each of your experiences for what they are, because one day you'll learn the lesson, and it will not be what it was...

Inform yourself about the risks you take when using drugs, and realize that the war on drugs is a social construction that is a response to the Crack-Cocaine epidemic of the 1980's which was onset by the Regean Administration's removal of federal funding for inner city urban areas. Read about the DEA's emergency scheduling of MDMA as a schedule 1 drug with little scientific analysis. I'd be happy to discuss at length once you inform yourself.

You might try other sites such as errowid and I think dancesafe is still up and running though probably underfunded.

I turned to drugs rather than come out to my family and friends back between 1999-2003 during undergrad. I only began to feel okay with myself once I moved to a big city and made friends that were my age and gay too, which was at the Resource Center of Dallas: FUSE! an MPowerment Project. The guys were great and we just hung out and had a good time and made sure we encouraged each other to have safer sex. I stayed in school, busted my ass, finally found a great man, and my life is great, but I work too freakin' much, which is not good for my relationship, which brings me back to remembering that everything in excess is a vice...work, partying, school, vitamin c, ecstasy, cocaine, whatever... Been there, done that, it gets old, just like everything, and then you find something else. But, I will say that ecstasy is special, and I think that the good shit can have truly theraputic affects on your soul. Just balance it with the rest of your life. It might take years, but you'll get there as other things become important to you.

You are young and living your life, just be careful, reduce the harm associated with your actions, and by all means have fun and stack up on some centrum performance vitamins and 5htp.

jcdfw52115.blogspot.com

http://www.ultramusicfestival.com

that comes if people are uneducated.
watch a documentary or read about drugs first and then you ll be able to talk bout drugs!

<<What are its short-term effects?
Users report that Ecstasy produces intensely pleasurable effects – including an enhanced sense of self-confidence and energy. Effects include feelings of peacefulness, acceptance and empathy. Users say they experience feelings of closeness with others and a desire to touch others. Other effects can include involuntary teeth clenching, a loss of inhibitions, transfixion on sights and sounds, nausea, blurred vision, chills and/or sweating. Increases in heart rate and blood pressure, as well as seizures, are also possible. The stimulant effects of the drug enable users to dance for extended periods, which when combined with the hot crowded conditions usually found at raves, can lead to severe dehydration and hyperthermia or dramatic increases in body temperature. This can lead to muscle breakdown and kidney, liver and cardiovascular failure. Cardiovascular failure has been reported in some of the Ecstasy-related fatalities.

After-effects can include sleep problems, anxiety and depression.

What are its long-term effects?
Repeated use of Ecstasy ultimately may damage the cells that produce serotonin, which has an important role in the regulation of mood, appetite, pain, learning and memory. There already is research suggesting Ecstasy use can disrupt or interfere with memory. >>


all drugs can be be dangerouse thats why it would be better if you stop using them,you wont understand when you ll be in deep shit and it will be hard to get out of there.

try to find another way to be yourself!

think whats the worst thing that could happen to you in any situation and you ll see its not that hard to face it or not as scary as it seems.

 

[3x3is9]

(haha the thread copy has me all confused of what I should post where, oh well I'll just copy my post in both places, but thank you, I wasn't sure which one to post it in)
kurtwild, I don't think ecstasy is better than coke at all, in fact, I think it's probably worse, although I'm not 100% read up on coke, but I felt the scene around coke was much worse than E and it wasn't about having fun, it was just about doing the coke. I have done my homework about every drug that I've done, because I'm neurotic like that, and there are good things and bad things about every drug. I don't find the effects to be any worse than any legal ones (alcohol, smoking, eating McDonald's). Pick your sin, is what I say

And about the mask, it feels opposite to me. It feels like I'm stuck wearing the mask everyday (it's slowly getting better) but E removes it and just lets myself come out. It’s what jcs0112 was saying - I think - it helps me deal with the issues I have. The first night I tried it, it led me to coming out and actually accepting that it was okay to be gay, where as before I hated it and thought it was wrong. I take precautions, such as, I usually have a water bottle on me, and make sure I refill it only every 40-50 minutes, and I take breaks from dancing, and such. I haven't thought of the vitamins - that's a good idea. I'll have to read up on that.

And it's not that I don't WANT TO go further with Jon, haha, I definitely do. I don't know how to explain it, but in the heat of the moment, I just can't do it. I only hope it’ll get better with time.

3nippples, I am worried about it becoming a crutch, but it’s most definitely also about having fun. It’s not that I can’t have fun without it, but when I go dancing, it seems much more alive when I have some E too. The one thing I don’t want to happen is that I feel I need to take E in order to express my feelings towards the same gender, which I think is what you mean by crutch, and I’m looking to see if anyone has had any experiences with that issue, and if it did become a crutch or if it eventually just led to self-awareness and social development (haha yay for big words).

jcs0112, did you find the drugs helped you more than harmed? And I would love to read up on the reasons that drugs are illegal, but haven’t really found any sources I thought were trustworthy. Do you have any links?

Thanks for the responses!

 

[jockboy01]

Hey 3x3is9, I think coming out/being gay and drug use is quite common. And they are related... as you seem to have already figured out.

And about the mask, it feels opposite to me. It feels like I'm stuck wearing the mask everyday (it's slowly getting better) but E removes it and just lets myself come out. It’s what jcs0112 was saying - I think - it helps me deal with the issues I have.

What the E does is lower your inhibitions and does in fact let the true self come out. However, if you think that E (or any drug) is going to help you deal with issues in any meaningful way, you are kidding yourself. At best, it allows you to temporarily escape the problems you have dealing with your sexuality. It feels great to do this b/c you can be yourself. But then, rather than facing your problems, you figure you can always skip that step and the E lets you do it. I'm sorry to tell you, there is no progress in life without struggle. It sucks to deal with coming out and not worrying about what other people think because it is your life. It's hard and hurts at times. But in the end, it is totally worth it. What you're doing with the E is simply avoiding this challenge.

And if I come off as anti-drug... it's because I am. I've seen amazing numbers of people throw their life away b/c of drugs. Many of them start at your age. And rather than face their problems (sexuality or whatever their problems are... b/c we all have them) they bury them in drugs b/c it's easier and it makes them feel better and the convince themselves that the drugs help.

It doesn't help, and things only get worse. It takes more drug, different drug, etc to get the same relief from problems. And everybody thinks they can stop. EVERYBODY. But it's hard... as hard if not harder than just dealing with your sexuality up front. Even reading your post you've developed some degree of tolerance (which happens quickly with E) so that you started at half a pill and are already up to 2.5 pills.

And thinking that all drugs are equally bad isn't correct. Long term, unhealthy living is unhealthy living for sure. But Coke and E are not the same as alcohol and McD's. They're far more risky and what you're reading doesn't show is the way it ultimately affects your life (from interpersonal relationships to job/school etc). Here are some good articles on both E (MDMA) and coke. They're very factual and very accurate from a very medical point of view. Hard to read but if you've really read about the drugs already, it shouldn't be too hard to understand. They're dangerous... seriously! And I remember a case where a girl died of drinking too much water while on E (thought of it based on your comment of the water bottle). My recs would be a good counselor... mainly for coming to terms with being gay, but if you continue, for drug rehab as well. You're young, don't start now or ever. And if you do start, I have to believe that there's hope for you b/c I've seen so many ruin their lives with drugs I can't count.

http://www.emedicine.com/emerg/topic927.htm (E)
http://www.emedicine.com/neuro/topic72.htm (coke)

These aren't meant to scare... only the facts (40% of cocaine users have neuropsychiatric complications... that is HUGE number). Just to show that they're not like alcohol or tobacco.

 

[jcs0112]

jcs0112, did you find the drugs helped you more than harmed? And I would love to read up on the reasons that drugs are illegal, but haven’t really found any sources I thought were trustworthy. Do you have any links?

Thanks for the responses!

Drugs helped and harmed me. The key was to find the balance in everything, I am still in search of it. I just want to be a dj and drop some dope ass breaks and beats with a residency at a club. Listen to what Master Yoda says about the Force. There are life lessons reflected there.

When I was young, 14, I started drinking alcohol, smokin' pot, and taking xanax...all depressants, as I was struggling with 2 things: My parents divorce, my sexuality.

The summer after high school graduation I started droppin E... That was the good shit, in '99, White Clovers and Heaven's Gate, incredible stuff back then, it was. Then I got caught up, got a cheap konexion, $5 a pill, you gravitate to people in similar situations as you, and then next thing I know, in a matter of 3 months, I was getting rid of hundreds of pills on the streets and in the clubs, oh the clubs were awesome, Gotham City, S.O.M.E., Hyperia/S.O.M.E....

I dropped out of college, sold to an undercover narc, a few months went by and I decided I was smarter than the life I was leading and needed to go back to college. Then the day before my criminal justice final I was arrested for delivery to that cop six months earlier. In that way, it harmed me, but facing 2 - 20 straightened my ass up, as my dad would say, "faster than a toadfrog can swim a dipper". I got out of jail the next morning and went straight to school and busted an A on that exam...

I made the President's or Dean's List for 3.5 years consecutively, found a passion in sociology, graduated, started a Master's program 3 days after undergrad because I wanted to get out of that small town so badly, because I was still in the closet, but I had a bf for 3 years, and all of my family knew at the time. Anyways, I got my Master's Degree when I was 23, now I have a bad ass job and I'm ballin' dude. It's great, but I work my ass off and have less life balance.

During all of that time, I took drugs recreationally, but kept it in check so as to watch out for my probation. Balance, and it all worked out. In this way, through all of these struggles, the rain and the pain, my criminal experiences helped me and I appreciate life more. It helped me to recognize the person that I am, proud of all of my mistakes, accomplishments, my sexuality, my family loves me just as they did before, even more as love grows exponentially each day, I am gay all the time, I'm out everywhere, work included, and it is just healthy to be comfortable like that.

Getting to the city was the most healthy aspect of coming to grips with my sexuality, but when I was in small city Texas, it was tough and I did use X so as not to have to deal with that. The City is where we belong, get there...

I've got two degrees, a BS in Sociology and during that tenure I was a McNair Fellow and the US Government paid me $3k to do research my Junior year. I went to raves all summer long, talked to people, and presented it at a couple of conferences across the country. Without all of my mistakes there is no way I would have accomplished what I was driving me. "Depth Beyond Perception: an insiders look into rave subculture". E-mail me and I'll shoot it your way, and provide you more info on reliable information on drugs.

Dude, my best advise is to take your ass to college and study, work and party. Just keep it all in balance and persevere through the pain, cause it hurts and sucks. But in the end it builds character and you will be a better man for it, and know more about yourself than you ever have, but as I tell my little brother all the time, you are never going to figure that out in the comfort zone you are raised in, around your family, and around your friends from highschool and college. You have to move away to learn who you really are.

Dallas is awesome and has one of the largest gay and lesbian communities in the nation. I'd recommend it to everyone, gay or not!

What king of tracks are you bangin when you are rollin? I am a Master, and I can show you the way...hahaha, another soul 2 kerupt!...

I am going to the Ultra Music Festival again in March and it is going to be fucking bad ass!

Be good at your deviance, don't drink too much water, don't take anything too seriously, and be yourself.

And don't listen to Kurt Wild, his ignorance precedes him. <- Not a derogatory statement, just saying that we should try to be informed to the most extent as possible before trying to force our opinions on anyone. Make your own decisions and live with the consequences.

Dueces!

The Future Is Now, We Will Make It!

jcdfw52115.blogspot.com

 

[3x3is9]

Well, with everyone's help, and a lot of soul searching, I've figured out my problem. I've been making excuses this whole time. Drugs were an excuse to be gay. If that's what you meant by crutch, then you were spot on. I've been using E as an excuse to be gay, to make out with Jon, when I don't need to have an excuse, because it's not wrong. It turns out my drug problem and my coming out problem were the exact same thing afterall.

Thank you guys so much! You have no idea (well, you probably do) how much you helped me out. I don't have to do drugs anymore! haha! I can be gay now, sober, and it's not wrong, and no one will care! I mean, E is still fun, and I might do it when I go dancing, but I don't have to anymore. Thank you, and I hope this helps out other people too.

 

[jkdenim]

Hey, I know how you feel. Brings back some memories because it was the same for me. Drugs made it easier for me to come out (as gay and out of my shell). I did E and coke and K. Sometimes together. What you feel right now is you inhibitions are free from any contraints when you are on drugs. It is, but that's not the problem. I thought drugs would help me, and it did for a while...

Then I was hooked. I was doing 7 pills a night mixed with K and coke. When that fucked me up too much I stopped taking E and just took coke (also because coke was free). One day, I walked home from a three day bender because I had no money to take a bus and when I got home, my face was covered in blood. My nose had started to bleed but because I was so numb I couldn't feel anything and didn't notice.

Looking at the mirror, I decided I would stop. And that was that. I left London, travelled the world, met my gorgeous boyfriend and came home. I've been sober for over 5 years now. It feels good.

Sorry this was all about me. I don't tell this story very often. You can be gay and drug free. Take your time with it. No point in telling you to stop if you don't feel like it. Just be careful.

 

[3nipples]

Good for you! Let us know how you're doing.

 

[gaz1978]

Whilst I agree with some of the other people here saying that you need to get away from using drugs as a crutch to open up (and get away from drugs altogether), I'm not in a position to offer any specific advice because I've never used drugs.

I would, however, recommend you get into counselling of some kind and maybe try and figure out why you feel the need to use drugs to help you with intimacy issues.

I wish you all the best.

Gaz