Coming Out to Asian Catholic parents?

[Wet-Monkey]

A friend suggested I ask this here – I am looking for advice – or what experience others have had. Especially from guys who are from an Asian or Catholic family background as I am.

I am a 19 year old student at college still living with my family in Hong Kong. I have been gay for a long time but my parents and family have no idea of this.

I have not had a relationship before though I’ve had sex with quite a lot of guys. This has not been difficult to hide - mostly at the sauna or parties - but I have recently started a relationship with two other guys. I’ve a few times stayed with them overnight and spent a lot of time with them. I have told my family I was with different friends but I think they are suspicious and that I will get discovered.

My life would be better if my family knew and accepted me – but very few of my younger gay friends are out to their family. Even my boyfriends families don’t know about them - but they don’t live at home.

I don’t know how my parents would react as we have never talked about homosexuality. They are fairly religious and also very concerned about bringing shame to the family. Until I finish college I will be financially dependant on them and have heard of others where their family has disowned them for being gay.

I would like to find a way of knowing what they would think without taking the risk of telling them.

This is why I hope here there may be other guys who have gone through the same thing (especially Asian or Catholic). Who could say what happened for them.

A friend has helped me write this as my written English is not good – though I can read it.

So I can’t really answer any questions very well if there are any.

 

[Rolyo85]

Welcome to the forum.

I am neither Asian, nor religious, but there was a topic a while back that might be helpful to you:

http://www.justusboys.com/forum/com...bisex-talk/366437-anyone-asian-christian.html

 

[heightsboi]

I'm Asian, and my mom is Christian, my dad is not religious. My mom found out accidentally by reading something I left out (but closed) my first year of college. I didn't tell my dad for another 8 years. (it took me another 3 years to move from bi to gay).

It took time, but both have accepted it. I was worried about the same things you were, that I would be cut off financially.

Having been through it, I would always hatch backup plans involving working, getting financial aid,etc. Ultimately I did well in school and went on to med school--so my social life didn't have too much of an impact on my grades.

I had the advantage of going to school far away from my parents. If you have the option of moving out and closer to school, that might make things easier on you--you can say you want to spend more time studying.

I hope coming out will go better than you think, but I totally understand wanting to be more independent before telling your parents.

Good luck.

 

[Seasoned]

I consider myself Catholic and have a large ethnic Catholic family. Ironicly, besides my mom, who is 91, I'm probably the most Catholic of all my siblings. My mother avoids the topic and I'm sure never mentions that I'm gay or that I have a husband even though she likes him and we'll soon be together 29 years.

You are going to have to take your situation and culture into consideration before coming out. You must remain safe and supported. Most parents are supportive or neutral, but as long as you are dependent upon them it will be difficult for you to take a risk. Eventually you might be able to bring up the subject of homosexuality to them, but that might not give you a clear answer. Parents in general want their children to be straight so that they fit into the expectations of opposite sex marriage and provide grandchildren. Most, when presented with reality, realize what they want most is for their children to be happy.

Right now your parents are probably more inclined to think you have a secret girlfriend or are seeing prostitutes rather than thinking you are gay, but that might be a wrong conclusion if they knew or now know gay people.

For now use your gay friends as support and eventually introduce them to your parents and see what happens.

Best wishes to you.

 

[palbert]

Welcome to JUB. I wish you all the best. I could comment but will gladly defer to those more familiar with the Asian and Catholic societies and norms.

 

[Wet-Monkey]

I'm Asian, and my mom is Christian, my dad is not religious. My mom found out accidentally by reading something I left out (but closed) my first year of college. I didn't tell my dad for another 8 years. (it took me another 3 years to move from bi to gay).

It took time, but both have accepted it. I was worried about the same things you were, that I would be cut off financially.

Having been through it, I would always hatch backup plans involving working, getting financial aid,etc. Ultimately I did well in school and went on to med school--so my social life didn't have too much of an impact on my grades.

I had the advantage of going to school far away from my parents. If you have the option of moving out and closer to school, that might make things easier on you--you can say you want to spend more time studying.

I hope coming out will go better than you think, but I totally understand wanting to be more independent before telling your parents.

Good luck.

most gay friend say not tell .. think worse not say and found out

Wish think way know what parent think without tell them

 

[shainski]

Hi Wet-Monkey,

Well everyone is different - and it would be impossible to know how your parents might react. The catholic church is a huge church and it has many different people with different perspectives.

But i want to offer you a thread from another forum. On this forum, a Catholic one, a father has been recently told by his son that he is gay. The father is trying to figure out how to deal with it. You may find some of the replies disturbing - you will find some are charitable. But if you want to understand your parents, this thread may offer you many different perspectives. My Son told me he is Gay - Catholic Answers Forums

In the beginning, the comments are more harsh. As you get on past post 30 or so, you will find comments that beg more understanding.

Your parents may be in shock when you tell them. They may be in denial. It may take them a while to come to terms with how this news will impact your life - as well their life. Don't expect that it will be all wonderful and understanding in the beginning.

I wish you well.

 

[hkflyboy]

may not be good idea - sometime best what sex like is private

not business of parent / family . why need know?

 

[sixthson]

First, coming out isn't for the benefit of others, it's for yourself.

Second, once you are sexually active and having bfs, there is always the risk someone is going to out
you to the people you don't want to know.

Are you really afraid you will be rejected by your parents if they find out or are you mostly concerned
they will stop the money?

 

[Wet-Monkey]

First, coming out isn't for the benefit of others, it's for yourself.

Second, once you are sexually active and having bfs, there is always the risk someone is going to out
you to the people you don't want to know.

Are you really afraid you will be rejected by your parents if they find out or are you mostly concerned
they will stop the money?

asian idea lot parent support child young ... child have duty look after parent old

live parent they pay study ... change life lot reject by parent ... no home live no study

also lose family .. know happen other ... think bring shame for family

also think way good for gay in hk is for more people out ... not bad secret have hide .. very sex active anyway

 

[JasonThanh]

asian idea lot parent support child young ... child have duty look after parent old

live parent they pay study ... change life lot reject by parent ... no home live no study

also lose family .. know happen other ... think bring shame for family

also think way good for gay in hk is for more people out ... not bad secret have hide .. very sex active anyway

I am in the same boat you are Wet-Monkey. My father is Asian and my Mother is white, but Catholic. Although I have come out to my mother, she has still not accepted me. Everytime she knows when I am with or going to be hanging out with my boyfriend she becomes very upset and lectures/yells at me to do something productive (i.e. study, homework, house chores). My father does not know, and I believe it is going to have to stay that way. Although I believe they may never accept me, they are my parents and I do love them. Like you, I fear their rejection and either my father and his side of the family dis-owning me or my mother's continuation of denial.
It's not easy, but you need to do what you believe is best for you, and more importantly what will make you happy. Whether is be coming out to your family, or keeping it a secret - it's a tough choice. In my situation, I am content with having my supportive sisters/friends and unaccepting mother know, while keeping my father/Asian side of the family in the dark - I believe it is what's best for me and my boyfriend - at least for now.

 

[hotatlboi]

asian idea lot parent support child young ... child have duty look after parent old

That's a far more universal idea than just in asia.

also lose family .. know happen other ... think bring shame for family

Again, this is a consideration for many other places as well, the ultimate question is, do you feel their intolerance should force you into lying just to placate them?

It's a hard choice of when to come out, I myself waited until I was independent but that's because I already knew my parents were very intolerant of gays. If they had been neutral or supportive I might have made a different choice.

also think way good for gay in hk is for more people out ... not bad secret have hide .. very sex active anyway

Ultimately, yes this is what will change things is everyone being out to their circle. Statistics show that people who know a gay person are much less likely to be anti-gay.

 

[AsianDream]

asian idea lot parent support child young ... child have duty look after parent old

live parent they pay study ... change life lot reject by parent ... no home live no study

also lose family .. know happen other ... think bring shame for family

also think way good for gay in hk is for more people out ... not bad secret have hide .. very sex active anyway

I myself have chosen not to be "out" to my family.

I think you have got a lot of useful replies to your question.

You are right that only by more people "coming out" will attitudes in HK change. Neverthless you run a real risk of estrangement from your family.

In some ways - delaying the decision for a few years may be a good idea - just being very carefull not to get "found out" before then.

On the other hand - I know all too well the hassle of always having to be on my guard with my family and remember what lies I have told. Plus it gets worse as you get older - the continual conversations about when you wil find a wife.

One way to handle this is to be very methodical - and actually write down all the lies you need to tell - so that you can remember these and not get found out by a silly mistake.

Also never forget that you are not the one to blame - you are yourself and need to be true to yourself - the fault all is with the wrong homophobic ideas your parents hold - not with you.

 

[Wet-Monkey]

I am in the same boat you are Wet-Monkey. My father is Asian and my Mother is white, but Catholic. Although I have come out to my mother, she has still not accepted me. Everytime she knows when I am with or going to be hanging out with my boyfriend she becomes very upset and lectures/yells at me to do something productive (i.e. study, homework, house chores). My father does not know, and I believe it is going to have to stay that way. Although I believe they may never accept me, they are my parents and I do love them. Like you, I fear their rejection and either my father and his side of the family dis-owning me or my mother's continuation of denial.
It's not easy, but you need to do what you believe is best for you, and more importantly what will make you happy. Whether is be coming out to your family, or keeping it a secret - it's a tough choice. In my situation, I am content with having my supportive sisters/friends and unaccepting mother know, while keeping my father/Asian side of the family in the dark - I believe it is what's best for me and my boyfriend - at least for now.

maybe tell mother first a good way .... trouble is not know what they think about gay .. just never talk about

does you mother help hide that you gay from father?