Coming out to best friend

[Ripelooker]

Hello everyone. First off I'm still in the closet but I accepted myself about a year and a half ago. I used to be in deep denial because everyone told me that gay people go to hell and such. I kind of wish someone would have told me that being gay was alright before. Anyways, after I accepted myself I felt a lot better and realized that nothing is wrong with me. However, as of late I've been feeling insanely anxious. Like I have to tell someone that I'm gay or else my head is going to explode. Sometimes I can't concentrate at work, sleep at night, or perform other mental tasks because I keep thinking about my situation. So, for my psychological well being I feel like I need to tell someone.

I want to come out to my best friend (known him since we were 8 years old). But like everyone in the closet my biggest fear is rejection. I'm not sure if he dislikes gay people. Sometimes he uses gay slurs but I don't think he means it. I mean he has never said he hates gay people plus he's not religious or anything. Also I never wanted to bring the gay subject up because of suspicion.
Is there a good way to tell him? What should I expect once I tell him at that moment? I don't want him to think I'm a freak. By the way, he's in another country so I plan to tell him through Facebook chat. Oh and I can't tell my family who is Christian about me being gay because they are dead set against it.

Thanks

 

[Rolyo85]

We always think it's as big an issue for everyone as it is for us, but with the exception of your parents (and even they might surprise you), people will generally not care nearly as much about you being gay as you do

I say go for it. There is no "right" or "wrong" way of coming out. Just stomp your fears for a brief second and type the words. You don't even need a prologue to that story. Just say it. If he is a good friend, he will accept you, even if it might take him a moment to geth is bearings. If he is not a good friend... well, you don't need people who aren't good friends, regardless of how long you've known them.

And lastly - when I came out to my male friends, I had this irrational fear that they would be disturbed because they'd think I was attracted to them (which I had been before and have since let them know that, but that's beside the point). Don't go there, unless he asks you. You will sound more guilty than anything else

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB and this forum. As Rolyo85 stated, it's your orientation and your secret so it's a much bigger deal for you than your friend. We have a social need to be known, accepted and loved and I understand where your "I've got to tell someone or I'll explode" thoughts are coming from. You have enough anxiety regarding your family and that ought not be allowed to spill over to your important friendships. Do you and your friend ever video chat? It would be nice to have his "presence" with you, but if not, let him know as you are able. Friends support friends and you need that right now.

As for your parents, it's really too bad that the word Christian has become synonymous with intolerance, a real perversion of Jesus' message. Parents generally rise to the occasion, but there are exceptions, as some here can testify. As the Western world is working to normalize homosexuality through the acceptance and recognition of same sex relationships, the average person will be brought along. A lot of the parental "crap" has to do with irrational fears for their children, thus, misguided, but coming from parental concern, nonetheless. Those types eventually come around. I know this is all on the far back burner, but,after coming out to your friend, check out PFLAG at PFLAG: Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays.

Good luck with your friend!

 

[jensu846]

i was in a similar situation with my best friend since grade school. we lost track abit in High School, but became super close after. He is the type of guy that had never gone without a girlfriend for any length of time ever, lifted weights, real macho kinda guy, very straight. and I never had a girlfriend so the cloud of suspicion on me was always there. He made a few anti gay comments in our past, which is why i never came out to him. Finally, I couldnt take it anymore, fearing I might loose my best friend, I said, "I have something I need to tell you" and he goes, "you're gay right?" I was like "ah, ya". He said he kinda figured it out since we always were together and I never brought up the topic of girls or sex ever. He said he didnt care and was very cool about it. He wanted to know why it took so long to tell him, since I had mentioned he was the last guy that I hadnt come out too yet and everybody else already knew. I said since he was the most important person too me, that I was the most afraid of losing him. didnt care so much about the others I told. And I did bring up his past anti gay comments. He was alittle embarrassed about his past comments and said he didnt really mean them, and hes not a homophobe. I was glad to hear that, and make him think alittle bit about how those kind of comments can hurt, even in jest. Anyway, flash forward 2 years and we are closer than ever. We went to Las Vegas this year an shared a bed for the week. I even got him to go to some of the gay bars. We went on underwear nite, and he got asked to dance by a guy in his underwear. It was so cute, cuz he's like, "nope sorry I'm with him". (meaning me). But he really did enjoy seeing the different scene. I hope it goes well with your friend, and then you will feel better. It was such a relief to get that of your mind and chest. good luck man! best wishes.

 

[Ripelooker]

We always think it's as big an issue for everyone as it is for us, but with the exception of your parents (and even they might surprise you), people will generally not care nearly as much about you being gay as you do

I say go for it. There is no "right" or "wrong" way of coming out. Just stomp your fears for a brief second and type the words. You don't even need a prologue to that story. Just say it. If he is a good friend, he will accept you, even if it might take him a moment to geth is bearings. If he is not a good friend... well, you don't need people who aren't good friends, regardless of how long you've known them.

And lastly - when I came out to my male friends, I had this irrational fear that they would be disturbed because they'd think I was attracted to them (which I had been before and have since let them know that, but that's beside the point). Don't go there, unless he asks you. You will sound more guilty than anything else

I see your point about how it is a big deal for us and for people it's not. I guess I will tell him tomorrow.
Fortunately, I'm not attracted to him plus he has a girlfriend. So that subject shouldn't pop up. lol

Thanks for the advice, I really appreciate it.

 

[Ripelooker]

Thanks for the advice everyone.

 

[Ripelooker]

Welcome to JUB and this forum. As Rolyo85 stated, it's your orientation and your secret so it's a much bigger deal for you than your friend. We have a social need to be known, accepted and loved and I understand where your "I've got to tell someone or I'll explode" thoughts are coming from. You have enough anxiety regarding your family and that ought not be allowed to spill over to your important friendships. Do you and your friend ever video chat? It would be nice to have his "presence" with you, but if not, let him know as you are able. Friends support friends and you need that right now.

As for your parents, it's really too bad that the word Christian has become synonymous with intolerance, a real perversion of Jesus' message. Parents generally rise to the occasion, but there are exceptions, as some here can testify. As the Western world is working to normalize homosexuality through the acceptance and recognition of same sex relationships, the average person will be brought along. A lot of the parental "crap" has to do with irrational fears for their children, thus, misguided, but coming from parental concern, nonetheless. Those types eventually come around. I know this is all on the far back burner, but,after coming out to your friend, check out PFLAG at PFLAG: Parents, Families, & Friends of Lesbians and Gays.

Good luck with your friend!

For some reason my gut instinct is telling me that he is going to be alright with it but then I get those annoying, "what if" negative thoughts. Unfortunately, I can't video chat with him at the moment so were gonna have to chat.

Yeah my parents might come around but I have heard them talk about gay people negatively throughout the years so it's really discouraging to come out to them. There the kind that would take me to gay liberation camp or make me have a talk with the pastor to "not be gay" anymore (But they can't make me anymore cause I'm 22). Maybe once I come out to my friends and meet gay people I'll get the courage to tell them.

Thanks for the information, it helps.

 

[Ripelooker]

i was in a similar situation with my best friend since grade school. we lost track abit in High School, but became super close after. He is the type of guy that had never gone without a girlfriend for any length of time ever, lifted weights, real macho kinda guy, very straight. and I never had a girlfriend so the cloud of suspicion on me was always there. He made a few anti gay comments in our past, which is why i never came out to him. Finally, I couldnt take it anymore, fearing I might loose my best friend, I said, "I have something I need to tell you" and he goes, "you're gay right?" I was like "ah, ya". He said he kinda figured it out since we always were together and I never brought up the topic of girls or sex ever. He said he didnt care and was very cool about it. He wanted to know why it took so long to tell him, since I had mentioned he was the last guy that I hadnt come out too yet and everybody else already knew. I said since he was the most important person too me, that I was the most afraid of losing him. didnt care so much about the others I told. And I did bring up his past anti gay comments. He was alittle embarrassed about his past comments and said he didnt really mean them, and hes not a homophobe. I was glad to hear that, and make him think alittle bit about how those kind of comments can hurt, even in jest. Anyway, flash forward 2 years and we are closer than ever. We went to Las Vegas this year an shared a bed for the week. I even got him to go to some of the gay bars. We went on underwear nite, and he got asked to dance by a guy in his underwear. It was so cute, cuz he's like, "nope sorry I'm with him". (meaning me). But he really did enjoy seeing the different scene. I hope it goes well with your friend, and then you will feel better. It was such a relief to get that of your mind and chest. good luck man! best wishes.

I think my friend subconsciously knows I'm gay but who knows. I really hope my friend is ok with it like yours.
I seriously need that relief!

Thanks for the comment.

 

[Seasoned]

Again, good luck! We are here for you.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Ripelooker,

Welcome to JUB and good to hear you have decided to tell tomorrow to your best friend that you are gay. You tell us that he has a girlfriend, and I assume that he will have his thoughts why you don't have a girlfriend. Besides that, you will avoid some topics (eg. 'girls') when talking with him.

And I agree with you that he might very well already has some ideas that you are gay. Good luck and please keep us informed.

Yeah my parents might come around but I have heard them talk about gay people negatively throughout the years so it's really discouraging to come out to them. There the kind that would take me to gay liberation camp or make me have a talk with the pastor to "not be gay" anymore (But they can't make me anymore cause I'm 22).

You are right. You are an adult guy of 22 and their education / resposibility is finished. No need to discuss with people who want to send you to a gay liberation camp or to a pastor who wants to 'turn you around'. Try to find other friends (straight and gay) who have other opinions, and keep away from homophobes.

Well, you can also let your family find out by themself (e.g. by having gay friends who are visiting you at home, or something like that) and see how they react.

Anyway, I would like to wish you all the best. And feel free to keep asking advice.

Take care.

 

[Ripelooker]

hi Ripelooker,

Welcome to JUB and good to hear you have decided to tell tomorrow to your best friend that you are gay. You tell us that he has a girlfriend, and I assume that he will have his thoughts why you don't have a girlfriend. Besides that, you will avoid some topics (eg. 'girls') when talking with him.

And I agree with you that he might very well already has some ideas that you are gay. Good luck and please keep us informed.



You are right. You are an adult guy of 22 and their education / resposibility is finished. No need to discuss with people who want to send you to a gay liberation camp or to a pastor who wants to 'turn you around'. Try to find other friends (straight and gay) who have other opinions, and keep away from homophobes.

Well, you can also let your family find out by themself (e.g. by having gay friends who are visiting you at home, or something like that) and see how they react.

Anyway, I would like to wish you all the best. And feel free to keep asking advice.

Take care.

Thanks. I do hope to find some gay friends because being surrounded by straight people all the time gets lonely.

Thanks again for the comment.

 

[Ripelooker]

Well, I told my friend that I was gay a few hours ago and it went great! But it was definitely VERY hard to do so. I still can't believe I did it. lol He told me it's not a big deal and then later we started talking about something else. He is definitely a real friend.
Anyway, thanks guys for your comments/advice. They helped a lot!! Believe me.

Thanks again.

 

[Kyanimal]

Glad to hear that all went very well with your friend! And, yes!, indeed, he has proven to be a Real Friend! That's AWESOME!

Now about your parents (whom, of course, I don't know). Let me tell you a bit about me ...

I'm the Great Grandson, Grandson, and Nephew of Quaker Ministers. I'm also the Son, Nephew, and Cousin, of Methodist Ministers. I'm also the first male, in my family tree's branch, that did not go into the Ministry. Not only am I Gay, I'm also a "Black Sheep"!

I live 500mi. away from "Home", not because of my family, but because of their "Public". My surname was far too well known at "Home"!

I never actually, formally, 'came out' to my family. I was keeping my Gayness a secret from Everyone. Eventually, though, given time and circumstances, my "Secret" became known.

My Dad had an associate minister that came out to him. And, during our ensuing conversations, my own 'situation' became apparent. What surprised me was that not only was my Dad supportive of his associate, and me, but he'd also been 'fighting', for years, to have "The Church" ordain Gay Ministers! I didn't even have a Clue!!

My point is, when it comes to parents, though we think we might know how they're going to react, what might happen can be a total surprise in spite of how well we might think we know them! And, also, chances are, they know us much better than we suspect.

At 22, it might be time to tell them. And though it might still come as a 'shock' to them, keep in mind that it's taken you years to get to this point, and it may take them some time to 'adapt', too. Be prepared to grant them that 'space'. Don't peg much on their initial reactions.

Of course, you have to go with whatever is comfortable with You. I'm just saying that, when it comes to parents, until they know, for sure, the Truth, what you might expect may not be what you actually get.

Wishing You all the Very Best! And, yeah! ... no matter what ...

Keep smilin'!!
Chaz

 

[jensu846]

Well, I told my friend that I was gay a few hours ago and it went great! But it was definitely VERY hard to do so. I still can't believe I did it. lol He told me it's not a big deal and then later we started talking about something else. He is definitely a real friend.
Anyway, thanks guys for your comments/advice. They helped a lot!! Believe me.

Thanks again.

good for you!! glad you feel better. it should be smooth sailing from here on!! way to go.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Ripelooker,

Great man, that you have told your best friend that you are gay. Congratulated with this important step. I can imagine very well that it was very tough for you to start telling this to him. And thanks for the feedback.

So the result is great, and your friend turns indeed out to be one of your best friends. I also tend to think that the friendship will be better now, as you don't need to hide to him anymore an important part of yourself. Likely, he might need some time to hink this over, but he was right by telling you that it is not a big deal for him.

So I am sure you will have a nice weekend, and that you feel less stress right now. I hope you will find ways to tell more people around you that you are gay. And, by doing this, you will arrive at a point that you are open and that you can assume that people around you are aware that you are gay.

Yeah, and its good to try and find some gay friends. Be aware that quite a few straight guys also have a gay friend / cousin / brother etc. So opening yourself to more of your straight friends might also lead to other gay friends.

Take care & feel free to ask other questions.