Coming out to family/ mother.. Coming out stories?

[SL1986]

I am 21 and I guess I'm still mostly in the closet, if their is such things. I live in FL with my sister, and my parent lives in MA. I really want to tell them, but I am not sure if I am ready. I really just want them to know, because I am sick of hiding this from them. Part of me keep saying to tell them, but the other part say to wait. I want to hear your story. How did you tell them and the whole nine yard. Advice, please!!!! Thanks

 

[oralsex]

Re: Coming out to family/ mother.. Coming out stor

Hello, well I have just come out to my mother. When I was first having feelings I would tell my mom that I thought I was gay and then I asked her what she would do if I dated a guy. She really did not listen then, but recently I told her I was gay. I had to spell it out for her. She thought I did not meet the right girl. I finally said remember that one boy in the play Chicago he was halfe naked in the changing room and well, I just liked what I saw, (he had a simmers build who looked like a model). Of course she is not accepting it and her doubt sometimes makes me wonder but I told her that all I need to know is if she will still accept me and she said she would have to, that she could never leave me. Was it easy, no. My heart beated as fast as it would after I would get done running. I was nervous. I actually watched Oprah with her and it was about a married couple and his wife was gay and then the shocker was that he was also gay and they split up and met their partners and they all have children together and love each other. It was hard to watch it with her but I said I can not keep this anymore. I did think some miracle would happen, like I would loose weight, and become popular once I told the truth. I think some great things will change but its not an overnight miracle. I do feel better though knowing that I told the truth and I dont have to hide it. So Good luck.

 

[G-Lexington]

Re: Coming out to family/ mother.. Coming out stor

Coincidentally, I came out to my sister first. I did so simply because she was the most liberal, most "cool with everything" person in my family. She was, in fact, totally cool with it. Then, she basically took control and told the rest of my family. That wasn't necessary, but it certainly made it easier for me, and it was very nice of her to do so.

Lex

 

[colemanshs]

Re: Coming out to family/ mother.. Coming out stor

I told my sister. I was most nervous about telling her because we had already had a discussion about gay people and some of the things she said kinda made me nervous.

Anyway, I finally told her and her first question was, "Are you one of those fashionable gay guys because I need someone to take me shopping!"

Then, last week, she told me that if anything ever happened to her and her husband she wants me and my future partner to be the godparents of her two children. She told me that she doesn't trust her babies with anyone else but me. I love her!

 

[landers]

Re: Coming out to family/ mother.. Coming out stor

The first person I came out to asked me. It was my best friend and I was trying to figure how to tell her all day long and finally, near the end of the night at a bar, she asked me. It felt great to be able to just say "yes".

 

[Luka]

Re: Coming out to family/ mother.. Coming out stor

The first, and only person i've come out to is my best friend heather. We were about to go into the mall shopping and I was like, wait I need to tell you something. She was like "What???" and I said "I'm GAY!" she said "I'm not surprised" and I said "I know, hahahahaha" Most people think I'm gay anyway and I get asked all the time, and I always hide it. Esp. when my parents have asked me a couple times. It felt great to tell my best friend, but at the same time I feel like I burdened her with my secret... She doesn't act like kepping this secret bothers her but, shes known since december of '06. I know Im getting to the point where im gonna tell my parents, next time it comes up maybe. I just started college so I have all these emotions, like i dont know anyone, i feel all alone here, and im hiding this huge secret, also my roomate is horrible! hes like half-retarded and super annoying and stinky, i totally got shafted, any way sorry to rant on. lol

 

[SL1986]

Re: Coming out to family/ mother.. Coming out stor

The first person that found out was my friend Brooke. Actually, we were in the car and I was driving and she asked what orientation was I, because we were talking about her gay best friend, so I asked her "what do you think", she played it safe and say Bi. But, for some reason I had to say it, so I told her that I was gay. I almost drove off the road because I didn't know what will happen now since that was the first time I have told someone. I told her to keep it a secret and not to tell anyone because I wasn't ready. Anyway, after many months later I found out that she told a few of my other friends, I was mad at first, but I realized that it will be less work for me to do. It felt great that I can be more open with the few friends that know now. But I still have a long way to go that is why I need to hear all your stories so hopefully it will help me out. Thanks!! It seems most of the stories in the thread so far seem to be pretty good stories. Thanks everyone!

 

[Raincoat Massacre]

Re: Coming out to family/ mother.. Coming out stor

In my family it the norm they have known since I was like five. It was made clear when my mom was talking about grandkids with my brother. "Well what about me?" I asked. She replied, "Pooke we gave up on you."

Thanks mom...lol

 

[drhladnjak]

Re: Coming out to family/ mother.. Coming out stor

Well, I might as well throw my hat in the ring since nobody's really mentioned a positive experience with coming out to the parents in this thread yet.

I told my parents when I was 25 (about 3 years ago now). I had decided I wanted to do it in person and not over the phone or through email. At the time, I was living on the east coast and my parents were on the west coast. I typically went home twice a year--one to two weeks around Christmas and then for about a week in the summer. I didn't want to break the news during the holidays so I waited all the way until the next summer. After I'd been visiting for nearly 2 weeks, I still hadn't told them because I was so chicken. About a half hour before they were going to drive me to the airport, I did the tried and true "Mom, dad, can you turn off the TV? I have something important we need to talk about..." followed by a relatively quick admission of sexuality.

My mom was silent for pretty much the entire conversation except for saying something like, "I know you'd only be telling us this if you were sure." which was her way of asking, "Are you sure? Maybe you haven't met the right girl." My dad kept talking through the whole thing and was actually pretty positive. During our drive to the airport, he asked more questions and was honestly trying to understand my mindset of being gay. About two weeks later, I was talking on the phone with my mother when the other shoe finally dropped. We had a conversation where she stated that I was "deviant" among other negative, religiously themed dialog. It was not a pleasant conversation, but I know she wasn't trying to hurt me because she kept saying stuff like "I'm just telling you how I feel and trying to be open." I know she had good intentions.

After that, we never really talked about those sorts of topics again. We're on much better terms nowdays. In fact, I'd say we're back to the level of trust and communication we had before I came out. Maybe even better than that actually. There are still challenges to face. For a while, I was dating a guy pretty seriously. I even brought it up with my parents. It was slightly awkward, but they were both supportive. Despite all that though, I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat. It's so much better for me not having to watch what I say or explaining why I don't have a girlfriend all the time. Moreover, my parents do appreciate my honesty and openness on this, even if they still don't completely sympathize with me or understand my sexuality.

 

[Luka]

Re: Coming out to family/ mother.. Coming out stor

drhladnjak, i think that my parents would have a similar reaction to yours. i also am tired of hiding my secret and watch what i say, etc. ive ben "lying" to them for almost 10 years. it suks, lol

 

[SL1986]

Re: Coming out to family/ mother.. Coming out stor

drhladnjak, why did you waited till you were 25? Was it easier to tell them later? I am asking because I am so scared to tell my parents, because I don't want our relations to change. I keep wanted to tell my mother, but I keep backing out. What should I do? Please help, someone ...

 

[drhladnjak]

Re: Coming out to family/ mother.. Coming out stor

I'm generally a big proponent of people coming out to their parents. It's something just about every adult needs to do at some point. However, there's one big exception that somebody in your situation needs to watch out for. If you're financially dependent on your parents and you think they might react so negatively that they'd cut you off, wait until you're no longer dependent to tell them. This is especially true if you're in college right now and dependent on them to continue your education without needing to study part-time and/or work full-time.

 

[drhladnjak]

Re: Coming out to family/ mother.. Coming out stor

drhladnjak, why did you waited till you were 25? Was it easier to tell them later? I am asking because I am so scared to tell my parents, because I don't want our relations to change. I keep wanted to tell my mother, but I keep backing out. What should I do? Please help, someone ...

The main reason I waited so long was because I was very unsure about my sexuality until around that time. I had thought I might be gay from a fairly young age (probably around 12 or 13), but denied it through most of adolescence. By the time I was about 22, I had accepted that I was not straight. For the next few years, I really struggled to decide if I was gay or bisexual or what. I knew my parents wouldn't take me being curious or undecided about my sexuality particularly well, so I waited until I felt certain. Then like I said I waited a while longer for the right time to tell them.

 

[SL1986]

Re: Coming out to family/ mother.. Coming out stor

Why can't being gay be a norm? This way it would make life so much easier. Thanks drhladnjak.

 

[comfortable]

Re: Coming out to family/ mother.. Coming out stor

I'm generally a big proponent of people coming out to their parents. It's something just about every adult needs to do at some point. However, there's one big exception that somebody in your situation needs to watch out for. If you're financially dependent on your parents and you think they might react so negatively that they'd cut you off, wait until you're no longer dependent to tell them. This is especially true if you're in college right now and dependent on them to continue your education without needing to study part-time and/or work full-time.

I was going to say that same thing - I haven't told my parents because I'm a sophomore in college, have a small photography business, but not near enough to support myself, and they bought me my own house, a nice car, I have their credit card to put anything I want on, I get an allowance, and I plan on going to Law School after college....I can't afford all of that on my own...I've told most of my friends, which I love, because I can be myself, and I'm pretty sure that my family knows - I mean, my sister and mom ask me about their outfits and jewelry...yeah, not kidding....but I mean, that could just be because I have good taste! haha. But they also said if I wanted to get roommates (cause I don't like living alone), that they would let me live with two girls if I wanted and couldn't find a guy roommate, because they know I don't have many guy friends. But yeah, I'll probably tell my sister within the next year or so. Now that I've typed all of that...and look back on things, I'm almost positive they know...hahaha! I don't think they couldn't...but still, there's always something about saying it out loud - right?!

The first person I told was my best friend also, because I knew that no matter what she'd accept it (I mean, I was pretty sure! haha. We've been friends since KINDERGARTEN!!!!! and were BEST friends the last two years of high school). Either way, we just went to Starbucks and sat outside. It was freezing! We talked about music and movies, then there was a pause - so I just took a deep breathe and said, "might as well go ahead and just say it" Then I kind of got upset, because this was the first time I had EVER said this out loud in the presence of someone else. She was like "What?!" cause I'm sure she was thinking I was about to tell her I had cancer or something the way I got upset!!! But I just told her "I'm gay." and she smiled, and said "Ross, it's okay! You know I'll love you no matter what, right?!" It was such a relief...we've talked about it before, and she was like "I didn't necessarily KNOW, but I wasn't exactly surprised. But.....I was excited...haha" We're much closer now that I'm out, because I can call her up and text her random things and it's not awkward like I'm trying to start a relationship or something, you know? Only a few guys know I'm gay (which they don't care either), so I can't really say much about telling a guy friend...but ALL of the girls who know or who have found out like go out of their way to hang out with me more! Girls just really like having a gay friend...I mean - what's not to like about us?!?!?!? ;-]

- C

 

[drhladnjak]

Re: Coming out to family/ mother.. Coming out stor

First, being gay is part of the norm. It's not the most common outcome obviously, but it is well within the range of normal.

As for being dependent on parents, I think comfortable may have missed my point. By dependent, I meant truly dependent for survival or continuation of your education. Cars and credit cards are nice, but you can get along without them if you need to. Don't let materialism get in the way of coming out. Things can be nice to have, but they're just objects and won't make you happy like living your life honestly and open will.

The key part of what I wrote though is the possibility of a reaction so negative that financial cutting off occurs. I think most guys have a pretty good sense about if their parents would react this way. It does happen, but it's not the most common outcome. The majority of distraught parents go through emotional turmoil when their kids come out to them, but they don't kick them out or take away what they've given.

 

[comfortable]

Re: Coming out to family/ mother.. Coming out stor

First, being gay is part of the norm. It's not the most common outcome obviously, but it is well within the range of normal.

As for being dependent on parents, I think comfortable may have missed my point. By dependent, I meant truly dependent for survival or continuation of your education. Cars and credit cards are nice, but you can get along without them if you need to. Don't let materialism get in the way of coming out. Things can be nice to have, but they're just objects and won't make you happy like living your life honestly and open will.

sorry for the misperception - but Law School is the most important thing in that list to me...

 

[drhladnjak]

Re: Coming out to family/ mother.. Coming out stor

Once you graduate from college, financial aid formulas no longer take in your parents income. Moreover, you can borrow quite a bit more in student loans once you're in law school too. Having your parents pay for law school would probably be really nice, but you almost certainly could do it on your own too although you may end up with more loans. Personally, I think I'd risk having to take on debt over living a lie to my parents, but that's just me.

 

[Luka]

Re: Coming out to family/ mother.. Coming out stor

I think im gonna tell my parents this weekend guys!!! If i dont chicken out again, lol

 

[drhladnjak]

Re: Coming out to family/ mother.. Coming out stor

Well, if your parents have already been asking about it, at least you know they have started considering that possibility. Let us know how it turns out!