"coming out" to my father

[irudesan]

I know this can be dumb for many people, but yes, at my 39 years old I still haven’t had “the talk” with my dad.

I´ll try to be very short, because I could write a book.

Growing up we were the typical traditional family. Im from latin America, and my country is well known for having a very traditional culture in regards with lgbt subjects. This was around mid 80´s and 90s so it was way worse back then.

My father was the sole provider of the home, and luckily he landed a very good job, that allowed him to give us a lot of material things, even go to “the best” school in town when we were in elementary school, and a lot of etc.

My mother was a full time stay at home mom, but she really killed it. I remember the house always clean, she cooked super delicious foods, and desserts, and made sure everything was in good order when he arrived from work.

The thing is… my father has the emotional range of a rock, at least with his children. We were 3 siblings growing up. I was the middle child.

Growing up I felt almost invisible to him. I thought it was the fact that I was a little “girly” or “sensible” when I was a child, and some situations that happened that might have given them clues that I was different. Besides all my interests growing up didn’t align with anything he liked. He liked soccer, drinking, talking about women, etc.

He cheated on my mom multiples times… and she never left him besides everything.

Eventually my mother got sick, breast cancer, at only 36. Prognosis wasn’t good. She didn’t respond to treatments (this was in 1999-1998) and eventually she didn’t make it.

Of course our whole world turned upside down. She made sure everything worked at home, and that included help with our studies, and a whole lot more. In a sense she was the one that “really” knew us. She talked with us and everything. My father on the other side, as many men do, or did at the time, stayed on his “provider” role full time. The few times I can remember any affection from him was when he got drunk.

After she died he tried to build a relationship with us. And with time lets say we kind of have some sort of “formal” relationship. Like he started to see us, but at least for me, it was a little too late. And knowing I was gay, and knowing how he is the typical “alpha male” I always tried not to get too attached to him, because I always thought it would hurt me more if he rejected me, but I enjoyed feeling seen for the first time, which was around 13-14 years (when my mom died)

The thing is when years went by, our relationship got “better” in some sense. We actually started talking and I could feel he saw me as a person finally. He helped all of us to get our college degrees, out of his own will. When I was around 20s or 25s he did ask me a few times if I had a girlfriend, or tried to talk about women with me, but it was always awkward. Eventually he kind of “understood” and never asked me again about girlfriends. Im pretty sure he is well aware by now that Im gay. But the fact that he never asks me anything about it makes me feel a bit sad and concerned.

Concerned because we are just 2 old dudes now. Im 39, almost forty, and he is turning 68 in the next months. And our conversations are like generic. I don’t ask him a lot about his personal life (which is kind of a mess, but that’s a whole other situation) and he never asks me about mine.

I help him with anything I can help. We gossip about family situations, about the weather, the news. But I feel everything is so shallow. Almost like we were 2 NPCs talking.

I have decided to finally have “the talk” with him. But I don’t know how to approach him.

I have finally decided because I want to build a better relationship with him. I know Im not gonna tell him a lot of personal “details” but at least he could meet my friends. I have gone through some situations in which I would ve liked to have a father to actually tell him things.

I have lost many things in my life, and I know life can change anytime. I know I can lose him since he is becoming old, and lately has been having some health issues.

Im scared of him (or me, who knows) dying without actually knowing each other.

I feel so tired of this “don’t ask don’t tell” situation.

Theres a lot more things, but that’s basically it. I want to know how to start that conversation with him. As you can guess, if he has the emotional range of a rock, Im somewhat similar (surprise) so it is difficult for me too, but I have decided I want to give it a shot.

I guess there should be other gay guys in somewhat similar situations… so im asking if anyone has any tips on how to approach this

Thanks

 

[MusicMan321]

Hi first off sorry about your mom who died young of cancer I lost my mom to cancer too but I was a baby so I don't remember her only through pictures and videos. If you up haven't had the talk with your dad yet maybe try and go easy on him and you and see how it goes and go from there

 

[KaraBulut]

Honestly, the coming out discussion with your father is only a small piece of a much bigger, messier puzzle.

You might want to start with telling him some of what you have said in that opening post - about how appreciative you were for the sacrifices your parents made and that you want to have a closer relationship with him... while you can.

You're not going to change a 68 year old Latino man. He's very likely repeating the patterns of his father and his father's father and his father's father's father....

The only thing you can change is how you relate to him and, maybe someday, how you relate to your own children.

My suggestion? There's probably old pictures in your family home from your childhood and from your parents' time before they started a family. Set aside some time to look at those pictures together and ask him questions about his life. You might be surprised at what you find out.