Coming out: what signals does it send?

[hanshansen]

Several people have said on other threads that coming out (in the sense of proactively telling people about your sexuality) is overrated: it assumes people need to know about your sex life, whereas they don't, so they generally don't know what to do with the information you give them, so there's no benefit to telling them.

My response to this was that what it does is to put a whole lot of topics only tangentially related to sex on the table (who you are attracted to, relationship issues, other gay people, gay themes in the media etc.), which many (straight) people are happy to talk about. Being closeted makes it hard to talk freely about those topics: people assume that you don't have a special perspective on them and you censor yourself.

So far the only people I have talked to about my sexuality (using my real name) are two people on the JUB, members of a gay support group, and my father. At the moment, for financial and social reasons, I am taking steps to move in with roommates (of either sex or orientation). That is more stressful than it would otherwise be because I am having to ask myself questions like: do these people need to know about my sexuality? When should I tell them? If I don't tell them now, does X seem reasonably tolerant and sensitive so that if it emerges it won't make life too difficult?

The conclusion I'm reaching is that there is no need to let them know unilaterally. If they go so far as to reveal some sensitive information about themselves, then I might tell them as a quid pro quo. If they ask me, I'm not going to deny it. I'm not going to pretend to be a personalilty type that I'm not. But I'm not just going to tell them, even though that would in some ways make things less complicated.

The fact is, I do not want to talk to people about the mess of my attractions which I myself don't understand. I don't want to talk about the fact that in those circumstances intimate relationships with either sex do not seem like a realistic prospect for the time being. I don't want to tell them that I have started going to a gay support group. I don't want to talk about my sexual inexperience and emotional immaturity. I don't want to talk to acquaintances and more superficial friends about those things because they are weaknesses that I don't want to reveal without a sufficient basis of mutual trust. And I don't want to talk to close friends about them because it would be forcing them to share a burden that they can't really help me with, because they don't know what it's like.

And coming out to people seems to me to send the message: 'at least some of these topics are now fair game. While what goes on in my bedroom is reasonably off limits, we can now talk about relationship issues and other such things because most people who are comfortable with their sexuality have no problem talking about these aspects of their lives and I have signalled that I am comfortable with my sexuality.' I have tended to find that once you reveal personal information, people want more.

Am I right about this? What is it reasonable to expect people to talk/ask about once you come out to them? And if I'm right not to want to let people know until I've made some headway with my sexual/relationship hangups, what are my chances of getting over those hangups while I tend to mix with people who don't know? What's the easiest way out of this double bind?

 

[tze100]

Do whatever you feel comfortable doing. Don't overanalyse. And as you said, don't pretend to be anything you're not.

Whatever you feel now may go out of the window once you are actually in the situations you are talking about. I think it's perfectly reasonable to not talk about anything you don't want to. If you have hangups there's no need to push past them in order to force yourself to confront them - you're already working on them with a support group. You're not obliged to tell anybody anything.

But don't lie, if you just feel you'll be painting yourself into a corner that will be harder to come out from later. Just try to deflect the questions in a non-personal way. Eventually those people who 'want more' (and I know what you're talking about) will get the message. Or, just tell them you're not comfortable talking about it. Whichever you feel most comfortable with.

Read over your own post again - I think you already know the answers to all your questions. You don't really need confirmation from somebody you don't know.

 

[luminum]

Just do whatever feels right.

 

[KentuckyPython]

I'm out and loud because it's right for me. Being one of those guys who isn't "obviously gay" means that I have to be more vocal about it. It makes things easier. No one tries to set me up with a woman for a date for example. No one wonders why I'm watching that guy at the salad bar.

 

[Brer Fox]

I am too conscious of the signals it sends to come out, I understand where you are coming from. I am relatively quiet about everything I do, and partially because of my homosexuality I have been entirely silent about my love life. However, I feel perfectly content there, and I do not feel the need to come out for coming out's sake.

It is probably because no one has put pressure on me yet. My friend only occasionally asks why I've never had a girlfriend, or how 'he doesn't know how I resist the ladies,' and he's never up and asked, though I am sure he is suspicious. (I do not try to 'act' straight. In fact, I probably throw out signals subconsciously to evoke the question, which is the only way I'd come out.)

My parents do not care, either. I gave them the whole 'I just don't want a relationship interrupting my life, and I will likely never marry' spiel, and I make it quite convincing. However I do kind of ache for a relationship, but given the circumstances that will probably never happen.

Given this background, I just don't know if the images associated with being gay fit me, even though they obviously do. I cannot really be comfortable with the image my mother has of me with a dick in my ass after I tell her. She does not know anything. My parents, and everyone else, just let me be self-sufficient in the area. They never gave me 'the talk,' they never looked for porn on my computer, they never asked where I was going, they don't know I've ever had sex. Telling them, or anyone, I'm gay does not really matter, since the subject is never presented anyway. I could have a sexual attraction to fungus and they still would not ever see any mushroom love in action.

I am just not sure if it is any of their business. Only if they get on some kick where they insist I marry, or some shit.

 

[_yamato_]

HansHansen: When I read your post I have the impression that maybe you need to get out, but it appears to me that the first thing should be just to let some people come closer to you. Right now you appear to be distanceing yourself from a lot of people even before you get to know them properly. They could be the friends that you can share both bad times and good times with - the ones that listen to your worries and are willing to comfort you when someone else let you down. However, you are not going to get to that point if you never discuss personal things with them.
Roommates? Why not -It is not uncommon that people that spend a lot of time around each other become friends - but for that to happen, they both need to share a little bit of themselves. And then a little bit more, and then....that is how friends are made , and at times they are the best thing there is!

 

[Seifer20]

I don't know if a person ever comes out 'just for coming out sake'. It is true that what you do behind your own bedroom door is your own business but people close to you often want to be a part of your life and know you better.

Just to comment on the 'overrated' argument about people not needing to know about your sex life; I agree that people should only know as much as you want to tell them. But I don't think that coming out is tied strictly to having sex. I think saying that is an excuse for not coming out to people. Saying 'since straight people don't have to tell everyone their orientation then gay people shouldn't either' is an invalid argument. Straight people don't have to tell, because everyone knows they are straight. Coming out is about sharing who you are, not who you are banging at night. You are sharing a portion of yourself with others. If people walked around and called you an American while you are really a Canadian, you're going to correct them. Why? Because you aren't American.

I can emphasis with what you're going through, I've been through some similar experiences (and am still going through some of them). Course, when to come out is entirely up to you. I've read some guy's post who did it all in a whirlwind of a month or two. Personally, I've been slowly dealing with these issues over the last few years.

As for how do people react, it's hard to predict. Some don't mention it again (I haven't really talked to my sister about it since I've come out to her), while others might probe more for information. I had a discussion with the other person I came out to about bisexuality and whether it really does exist (as a side note, I think she's trying to make me straight ).

You seem to be on the right track though. I'd follow everyone else's advice and just do what you feel comfortable doing.

 

[Neji]

I don't think it's necessary to bring it up on its own as a topic for discussion. Sure you may have to defend who you are, but only if the situation calls for it. If someone starts asking about my gf/wife etc, then I'll answer accordingly, but I don't have to go around starting conversations about it. Like you said, if you're Canadian, you would correct someone who assumes you're American if they bring up the subject to you, otherwise you don't have to tell them if there is no mention of it.

 

[megustamyn]

I’ve been working in the gay community for many years and I probably know more gay people than straight people. However, I am a pretty private person and I discuss personal issues very few people.

It is perfectly okay to not answer personal questions from folks who have no right to ask.

My husband is an important member of my family and loved by my mother, daughters, siblings, grandchildren, etc. as I am loved and respected by his family members. Yet there is only one person in my family to whom I ever said, “I’m gay.” I told my sister when she was relocating to the city where I was living and was going to stay with me until she got her own place.

Even though I did not discuss the issue, I did take my boyfriends to family events. When I was much younger, I dated women and at some point I stopped but I never said, “I’m not dating women.” I just showed up with male dates. I don’t remember anyone ever asking me about it. I think if someone had asked if that was my boyfriend I would have said yes and if they asked if we were sleeping together I would have said that one should not ask such personal questions.

The point of being out is not making any specific statement. It’s being yourself and expecting respect.

 

[hanshansen]

Thanks for all those responses.

It's taken a lot of looking and waiting and uncertainty, but I'm lucky enough to have been accepted into a pretty fantastic apartment with roommates who seem to be nice, thoughtful people and who believe that I'll fit into the place well ... I'm shifting my stuff in there tomorrow.

I guess you guys are right that I will just have to do what feels right at the time (rather than now, building doom scenarios). I know that I don't want to lie, that I don't want to be furtive and secretive, and that I don't want to distort my personality and interests out of fear of other people. It may turn out that I can avoid all those things without the issue of my sexuality ever being raised (like with my work colleagues at the moment) or it may end up an elephant in the room, with me being uptight and exhibiting stress that other people can't interpret (that, and the fact that I didn't want to feel like a coward, was why in the end I told my father, although he ended up being very sanguine about it, said my mother needn't know, and we haven't raised the subject since - I'm just more relaxed around my parents).

Yamato: Part of the reason (other than the money) that I decided to move in with roommates is that it's another step outside my social comfort zone. I know that I need to get out more and allow myself to get closer to other people if I want to make progress, personally and professionally.

Like others have said, it's just sort of hard to say what part talking openly about my sexuality plays in that more general openness. At the moment, I actually feel that I am pretty open to my colleagues and friends about my feelings and worries (including some of my social anxieties). For example, I asked them for a lot of advice about the roommate situation. I just don't talk explicitly about my sexual and relationship issues with them, but then those issues aren't relevant to me for the time being, except in a negative sense (and I don't know if that would be any different if I was totally out). Then there is the other issue that I go through these extended periods where I think about girls pretty much exclusively and feel very distanced from my gay side, although I know in the abstract that it's there and that it's probably a major historical factor behind the social hangups I'm trying to manage now. The best thing I can do in those circumstances is to continue to get more comfortable with my own sexual patterns and to push (my own) boundaries with other people, and hopefully things will eventually take care of themselves.

 

[drhladnjak]

Of course you need to come out on a schedule your comfortable with. I would have recommended disclosing your sexuality briefly to potential roommates (a simple "I'm bi, I hope that's not a problem for you" is enough), so as to avoid awkward or dangerous situations (they could be very homophobic) in the future, such as when you bring gay friends or sexual/relationship partners over. However, it sounds like these people are fairly open and laid back, so hopefully it won't be an issue if/when you do come out to them.

 

[Alive and Free]

That you are alittle more secure in where you are in life.