Jory
God-Emperor of JUB
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Let him cool off then talk about it
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commitment
- Thread starter Jory
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Hey Tommy.
If you were ready to move in with a guy, it would fell all right and not all wrong. It isn't necessarily that you're afraid of commitment, just not ready to have a 24/7/365 relationship.
I have known a few guys who had the same type of relationship; close and caring but not to the point of giving up their personal spce and life to the other.
You say you really like him, but you didn't say you love him to the point of distraction. When you live with someone, it either has to be with some detachment as roomies or casual friends, or all in, as in 'I can't bear to be away from you for a minute' passion and emotional bond.
If either of these is not the condition you're in, than you are absolutely making the right choice.
If you were ready to move in with a guy, it would fell all right and not all wrong. It isn't necessarily that you're afraid of commitment, just not ready to have a 24/7/365 relationship.
I have known a few guys who had the same type of relationship; close and caring but not to the point of giving up their personal spce and life to the other.
You say you really like him, but you didn't say you love him to the point of distraction. When you live with someone, it either has to be with some detachment as roomies or casual friends, or all in, as in 'I can't bear to be away from you for a minute' passion and emotional bond.
If either of these is not the condition you're in, than you are absolutely making the right choice.
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Based upon your description of your boyfriend's reaction, I'm not sure that you are the problem.
So, is it fear of commitment? Or is your gut telling you that you don't want to live with someone who acts out in anger when things don't go his way?
So, is it fear of commitment? Or is your gut telling you that you don't want to live with someone who acts out in anger when things don't go his way?
SilverRRCloud
I'd rather be a Sexgod:)
I'd agree with Kara here completely.
He ASKED you? And you said, you were not ready.
Be as it may, this was a fair, truthful and honest answer. He may have not liked it, but he still needs to learn couple of basic facts of life:
#1
Liking or even loving someone does NOT mean that they will always do, what you want them to do; think what you want them to think, and say, what you want them to say. They are people on their own, too.
#2
Asking a question always implies a possibility that you may get an answer that you dislike, disagree with or even are very unhappy about. If you cannot take that risk, don't ask any questions.
SC
if you were ready to commit to him and to moving in together you would have done so already. you may want to let him cool down and tell him what you told us here:
hopefully he will see your point and understand. you shouldn't be pushed into something that you're not ready for as yet. you'll know it when you are.
hopefully he will see your point and understand. you shouldn't be pushed into something that you're not ready for as yet. you'll know it when you are.
pocono
Sex God
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Hi Tommy,
I'm not a relationship expert so take this with a grain of salt.
Toward the end of your post you state that you "really like" your boyfriend. It seems to me you should have written LOVE if you were going to move in together.
If your words accurately describe your feeling (really like) you made the right decision...for the moment.
Take care
I'm not a relationship expert so take this with a grain of salt.
Toward the end of your post you state that you "really like" your boyfriend. It seems to me you should have written LOVE if you were going to move in together.
If your words accurately describe your feeling (really like) you made the right decision...for the moment.
Take care
tell him how you feel about him that "hes a great guy and i care about him, but the last time i moved in with a boyfriend it didnt turn out like i expected it to. infact it was horrible and upset me so much the relationship didnt end well. i dont want that to happen with him."
let him comfort your wounded heart~
let him comfort your wounded heart~
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tommyharley said:
Tommy:
Only you know what transpired and what the tone of the conversation was. As you related the story originally, it sounded like your boyfriend was attempting to use emotional blackmail to make a commitment that you are not ready to make.
And his response to your honesty was inappropriate anger and more manipulation.
If this is the case, then you latest post sounds alot like you're making excuses for his behavior.
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If the same things are being said to me that you guys can see from what i write that i cant see in real life then somthing is wrong.
That's why it is important to have friends who are honest with you and provide objective insight when you're blinded by your own feelings.
Hopefully, the pain from the honesty ends up being less than the pain from what may be a dysfunctional relationship.
That's why it is important to have friends who are honest with you and provide objective insight when you're blinded by your own feelings.
Hopefully, the pain from the honesty ends up being less than the pain from what may be a dysfunctional relationship.
Hey Tommy,
Mate... whatever you do dont second guess yourself too much over this. We all carry the wieght of our pasts and our experinces with us... they are the pieces that help shape us into who we are.
You had the courage conviction and strength to say you weren't ready. Thats not the sign of someone who doesn't respect himself or others, its the sign of a guy who's still learning and figuring himself out and who's strong enough to be able to admit it. It takes a lot of guts to open up about our vulnerabilities and to admit we don't know all the answers.
Its interesting that you say that you dont love your bf. Love is a funny thing... its often something that sneaks up on us and we didnt know it was there until it leaves. Recognizing the real depth of emotion and shared experiences that grow after a time can be hard simply because they evolve. Often great relationships are that kind... ones that change and evolve... ones that sneak up on you.
Tommy, I suspect that your guy has laid himself open to you when he asked you to move in. I suspect that he felt that things were good and that progress was being made. You're right in thinking that it was his way of showing he cared. No matter what you had said, any answer in the negative would have met the same response simply because his vulnerability was exposed. And when we hurt we fight back.
The fact that you are willing to talk this through, the fact that you do want to sort it out, that you admit you care and that you dont want this to end are good things. Like I said dont over annalyse this to death... nothing is perfect and everything has its rough edges. Your posts on JUB have always painted you as a compassionate, caring, understanding respectful and honest guy. Your thoughts and feelings here simply underline that character... be proud of those things mate... be proud that you can understand and forgive. I'm not sure you are excusing his behavior... I dont think you are the sort of guy who accepts excuses. I simply see a guy who wants to sort out his relationship and is big enough and realistic enough to see a little of both sides.
It can be hard to overcome our self protection mechanisms sometimes even when we want to. And you have to be careful that they dont hold you back from taking a chance and really finding a complete happiness that can only come from risking a little. But for now Tommy your heart has simply told you its not ready to go to the next step again. Thats all there is to it. Its not so much about love or hurt... its about time and the past.
Only you know if your bf could be the one mate. Trust your heart - its rarely wrong. But your opinions and values are as valid as his and he has to understand that you are equals. You didnt mean to hurt him, you were simply protecting yourself. His lack of acceptance of that says more about how he feels about himself than you... and he'll soon understand that. For now though mate, stand your ground and trust in yourself.
I know you have the heart and the capacity to see this through Tommy if thats what you want. And I know that you have the courage to do it in a way that respects both of you and yet protects you as well. And that mate is why your guy wants you to move in.
Think it through Tommy and weigh up all the pieces. Just dont hold yourself back for ever because in the end mate its only you who suffers. And you dont deserve that.
Mate... whatever you do dont second guess yourself too much over this. We all carry the wieght of our pasts and our experinces with us... they are the pieces that help shape us into who we are.
You had the courage conviction and strength to say you weren't ready. Thats not the sign of someone who doesn't respect himself or others, its the sign of a guy who's still learning and figuring himself out and who's strong enough to be able to admit it. It takes a lot of guts to open up about our vulnerabilities and to admit we don't know all the answers.
Its interesting that you say that you dont love your bf. Love is a funny thing... its often something that sneaks up on us and we didnt know it was there until it leaves. Recognizing the real depth of emotion and shared experiences that grow after a time can be hard simply because they evolve. Often great relationships are that kind... ones that change and evolve... ones that sneak up on you.
Tommy, I suspect that your guy has laid himself open to you when he asked you to move in. I suspect that he felt that things were good and that progress was being made. You're right in thinking that it was his way of showing he cared. No matter what you had said, any answer in the negative would have met the same response simply because his vulnerability was exposed. And when we hurt we fight back.
The fact that you are willing to talk this through, the fact that you do want to sort it out, that you admit you care and that you dont want this to end are good things. Like I said dont over annalyse this to death... nothing is perfect and everything has its rough edges. Your posts on JUB have always painted you as a compassionate, caring, understanding respectful and honest guy. Your thoughts and feelings here simply underline that character... be proud of those things mate... be proud that you can understand and forgive. I'm not sure you are excusing his behavior... I dont think you are the sort of guy who accepts excuses. I simply see a guy who wants to sort out his relationship and is big enough and realistic enough to see a little of both sides.
It can be hard to overcome our self protection mechanisms sometimes even when we want to. And you have to be careful that they dont hold you back from taking a chance and really finding a complete happiness that can only come from risking a little. But for now Tommy your heart has simply told you its not ready to go to the next step again. Thats all there is to it. Its not so much about love or hurt... its about time and the past.
Only you know if your bf could be the one mate. Trust your heart - its rarely wrong. But your opinions and values are as valid as his and he has to understand that you are equals. You didnt mean to hurt him, you were simply protecting yourself. His lack of acceptance of that says more about how he feels about himself than you... and he'll soon understand that. For now though mate, stand your ground and trust in yourself.
I know you have the heart and the capacity to see this through Tommy if thats what you want. And I know that you have the courage to do it in a way that respects both of you and yet protects you as well. And that mate is why your guy wants you to move in.
Think it through Tommy and weigh up all the pieces. Just dont hold yourself back for ever because in the end mate its only you who suffers. And you dont deserve that.