Committed Relationship - Temptation - What to do?

[chance1]

Dating my bf for 2 1/2 years now - mostly ups - some downs

He's looking for work now (been there) which has put some strain on the relationship - as he is not as confident or as happy as he has been - i have done my best to be supportive as i have been through it but unlike me who communicates freely and openly he's a bit more closed ....

He doesn't want to go out as much and has said "you go out", etc.

And I have - mostly Fridays

I've made some connections with some guys who quite frankly are attractive, nice, fill in the blanks - several of whom are interested in physical and/or emotional attachments beyond platonic friends

I never would've thought i would say this but .............. the temptation is great or bad

Last night I was out with a friend for dinner and we grabbed a drink after and he came onto me - and i was really into it - for the moment - did not do anything - politely switched gears on him - but i wanted it

There's a pattern now where there's sexual tension with a handful of friends - and i enjoy it frankly - it's a turn on - good for the head (brain) - i like the attention - and they're good people so i genuinely like them and want to keep them as friends

but we're committed - and there's no open relationship in place - and in my head open relationships are not what i'm used to or comfortable with - or am I?

so i'm sorta confused - wanted to throw it out there - see what others may have experienced similarly

for the record - love my bf - he's great - perhaps emotionally distant at times - but he's aware of it - and trying to be less so

 

[anchihiro]

Threesome?
Has your relationships sexlife dwindled recently?
Has his loss of status turned you off?
If you cheat on him, will it be worth it, how will you feel afterwards?
Do you want to break up with your bf, but feel you cant whilst he still doesnt have a job?
Have you tried talking about the possibility of an open relationship?

 

[chance1]

Threesome?
Has your relationships sexlife dwindled recently?
Has his loss of status turned you off?
If you cheat on him, will it be worth it, how will you feel afterwards?
Do you want to break up with your bf, but feel you cant whilst he still doesnt have a job?
Have you tried talking about the possibility of an open relationship?

we had a 3some - while back - experience was less than scintillating - i would reconsider i think - have thought about it - thinking in his state he would take it as a rejection of just him

sexlife is prob not at its peak - he has admitted his libido is down

don't think his loss of status is effecting me - he's awesome - will find work - i think it's more effecting him

i would feel like shit if i cheated on him - like total shit

don't want to break up with him ........ period

have not talked about open - my concern would be
1 - not sure how i feel about it - open means both he and i could roam - might be fun for me to roam - not sure i feel about him roaming - two way street
2 - if i were to bring this up now it would be hurtful - given his situation IMO

good questions - appreciate these and any additional you might have

 

[anchihiro]

Hmm, well maybe try spending more time with your bf instead of these other guys.
Or bring him along, offer to pay, show the gay world your bf then the other guys may back off sexually.

You could politely avoid these guys for a while. Perhaps something will happen to change your view of them. E.g. like finding out one of them is racist might mentally turn you off.
Do what you can to help him find a job. When he does his libido will rise because of self confidence. Then he'll have money to go out places with you.

In the mean time, tough out the temptation.

 

[altlover85]

I can relate chance1, especially about crushing on friends. What stops me is just realizing that I don't want to do that to him and hurt him in that way.

That said, while you could mention threesomes are there any other issues besides his unemployment?

 

[sixthson]

You are greasing the slide, my friend. Heading for a fall.
If you are being tempted you better remove yourself from the line of fire. That means avoiding people with whom you have sexual tension, even if they are friends. Especially if they are friends. When something happens, you won't be able to say you fell, because you are playing a game now with your eyes wide open.

Being in a committed relationship is exclusive. It includes the two of you and EXCLUDES all others.

It's time for you to have that very difficult talk...with yourself. Do you really want to risk breaking his heart just because your eye is beginning to wander? Can you really see yourself going through life in a open relationship or a string of threesomes? This is really not about your bf dealing with unemployment or inability to communicate as well as you do (he was that way when things were good, too) or even about him not wanting to be social. This is about you letting your mind go places it shouldn't. This will be your failure, if you allow it, not his.
So, it's time to wake up and smell the sweet aroma of the love you have for your man before you kill it.

You know all this anyway.

 

[Cardenio]

So these "friends" of yours presumably known that you are in a 2 1/2 year serious, committed, monogamous relationship with your boyfriend and they're still coming onto you? That, to me, is a GIANT red flag. If I were in your position, I would sever all ties with them and find better friends.

If, however, you do decide to go for one of these guys, I would highly recommend that you break up with your boyfriend before anything happens. After 2 1/2 years of mostly good times (or in your words, "mostly ups"), he surely deserves at least that.

 

[chance1]

You are greasing the slide, my friend. Heading for a fall.
If you are being tempted you better remove yourself from the line of fire. That means avoiding people with whom you have sexual tension, even if they are friends. Especially if they are friends. When something happens, you won't be able to say you fell, because you are playing a game now with your eyes wide open.

Being in a committed relationship is exclusive. It includes the two of you and EXCLUDES all others.

It's time for you to have that very difficult talk...with yourself. Do you really want to risk breaking his heart just because your eye is beginning to wander? Can you really see yourself going through life in a open relationship or a string of threesomes? This is really not about your bf dealing with unemployment or inability to communicate as well as you do (he was that way when things were good, too) or even about him not wanting to be social. This is about you letting your mind go places it shouldn't. This will be your failure, if you allow it, not his.
So, it's time to wake up and smell the sweet aroma of the love you have for your man before you kill it.

You know all this anyway.

OUCH ............. and thanks for the honest POV

food for thought

and thanks to all for your thoughts

 

[Harke the Boeotarch]

but we're committed - and there's no open relationship in place - and in my head open relationships are not what i'm used to or comfortable with - or am I?

Talk to him about it first, and ask how he feels.

 

[Willie Boy]

The choice is always yours, but I definitely do not agree with the thought of cheating. It sounds like he is under quite a bit of stress/pressure in trying to find a job/income source.

A quick question: Is he the self-reliant type? The kind of guy who doesn't like having to rely on others for anything?

I ask because it sounds like he is. If so, the not having financial stability is really turning his life upside down, far more than for those who are more able to open up and rely on others. And it may be the major source of the sexual difficulties. There also may be medical issues, he may want to get checked out.

 

[Seasoned]

Being in a relationship doesn't mean you're dead. Of course other's look good to you. If you want the relationship say no. If friends persist they are really not friends. If you want to persue other guys end your relationship first.

 

[bankside]

I understand that confusion. My guy put it best when he said "We don't have to act on every idea that pops into our heads."

It was kind of a relief to hear him put it that way. Now, without any guilt whatsoever, I enjoy imagining fucking him in rooms full of people, fucking other people we know, fucking people we don't know, with him, without him....But it's just fantasy. I don't have to do anything to control it other than realize I'm letting my mind free to entertain me. There's nothing more to it.

If I ever felt that making any one of those fantasies come real would be hot for both of us, and strengthen our relationship I'd suggest it without hesitation. I'd expect him to do the same. But I don't see that happening - it's just too impractical. Too many variables. And so far, it's just not necessary.

Enjoy the fantasy. Even some flirting makes the world a better place too as long as you're the kind of person who can respect your own limits.

 

[jackoroe]

i would feel like shit if i cheated on him - like total shit

You know what's right and you've pretty much answered your own question. You want us to validate your position. Consider it validated.

Yes, it feels good to be wanted. You're a guy it's important to us. He's going through a rough patch and cheating would not help either of you at this point. Stay away from situations where you'll be tempted. Its' tough but you know it's right.

Good relationships don't just happen. You have to work at them!