Complicated Relationship Issue

[torand]

OK, I have kind of been hanging around these forums for a while, because I have a complicated situation that I could use some advice on. I have been way too scared to post about it (In fear someone I know would read these forums or something), but everyone here seems to give very solid even-tempered advice, and I really could probably use some of it . Here goes.

About 2 months ago, after being together for 4 years, I ended my relationship with my boyfriend. This was not an easy thing to do, but we were spending less and less time together due to a complete lack of similar interests, which had culminated in several long conversations over the years. After these conversations we would both make a concerted effort to try and make time to do things together, but that effort slowly degraded on both sides over time until the next culmination.

Breaking it off was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, but I just kept seeing a cycle that was upsetting him quite a bit (To be honest I was just happy with whatever time we spent together, and just did my own thing the rest of the time). If nothing else I just need some time to think about things; this is after all, my first long term relationship (I am 23 now, and was 19 when we met). I also moved in with him pretty quickly after the relationship began, and think I also need some space to think about things.

I invested in a house while we were together that I have been renting to tenants, but the tenants are leaving at the end of this month, and I am moving into my own house for the first time on February 1st .

When we broke up, I started staying in our guest bedroom (Which was a very surreal experience), and went on like a 3 week drinking/smoking binge. I still loved him very much, and it was very difficult to deal with still living with him. I pretty much did everything I could to avoid being at home, and there were very few nights where I wasn't either intoxicated or stoned. After about 3 weeks, I had a night where I had something like 20 drinks on a night where I had to work the next day, and something clicked in my head while dealing with the massive hangover at work the next day that I needed to just stop. I did, and slowly, but painfully got more comfortable with being at home while not impaired.

Christmas Eve, I intentionally went somewhere else, but I came back home fairly early because some of our mutual friends had asked me to. I had a bit of a hard time at first, but his family and friends have always been very nice to me, and nothing had really changed that. At the end of the night, we ended up cleaning up the remaining food together, and got into a very long conversation. We talked about why we broke up, about the fact that we still love each other, but we both agreed that we really needed some space. I said that I wasn't sure what was going to happen when I moved out, that getting back together was not outside the realm of possibility, but that I really needed time to think about it.

This conversation journeyed to a lot of places, and ended up getting on the subject of sex. He told me that I was his only ex he had never had sex with after the break up, and I kind of thought that was strange (Having not really had an ex before, let alone having had sex with one). He was kind of concerned that I did not find him attractive anymore, and that might have had something to do with us breaking up (He had put on some weight), but I assured him it was not the case.

He said that if we both had the understanding that we were not getting back together, he would not mind having sex again. I told him I wasn't sure it was a good idea, but when prompted for why I thought that, I couldn't really give him a reason. It was just an impression I had, and I couldn't really explain it. At this point I am really nervous and nearly shaking, and the concept of having sex with him again was getting me really turned on, despite the nervousness. This conversation continues with him telling me that he would be completely OK with it, but he is just not sure that I could handle it. I respond honestly and tell him that I am not sure I could either, because I still love him, but I don't want to get back together.

We start talking about stipulations if this hypothetical situation was to happen, and during this conversation (Still cleaning up) I can see through his pants that he is rock hard. I lose all sense of self control and tell him that I am willing to try it, as long as we are not getting back together, and we can stop at any time if either one of us gets uncomfortable.

So we have sex.... for hours. We don't go to sleep till like 8am, and neither of us seem to have any regrets. This has continued though, and has happened several more times. We will also do stuff like lay together to watch a TV show that we were both going to watch anyway, and other similar stuff. I am OK with this, but I am very concerned that I am leading him on. I have expressed this to him, and he has told me that "I know what I am getting myself into, and I am just enjoying what we are doing, and not expecting anything more".

Even though he has reassured me that he is OK with this, I am still worried that I am going to hurt him if I decide once I move out that I don't want to get back together. It is hard to explain, but he does little things that make me think he really thinks we are getting back together, and that if we don't he would be hurt about it. That part is really hard to explain, and I can't describe any of it, just the feeling I get after knowing him for 4 years. I don't really know what I should do, I am very happy with the way things are, but I would do anything to avoid hurting him more than I already have.

Any thoughts, comments, or advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance .

 

[KaraBulut]

There are plenty of stories about couples (gay and straight) who had much better relationships before they made a commitment or got married. And there are plenty of stories about couples who had much better relationships after they broke up or got divorced.

It's still a good idea that you move out on your own.

The question for you is whether this is "just sex" or whether the two of you want to actually-for-real-this-time date each other. It sounds like the first go-round, things moved very fast. Now, you have the opportunity dedicate time to each other- in bed and out of bed- and do it right.

But three things that you must deal with in this process:

1. The two of you are kidding yourself that this is "just sex". You need to get out of bed and decide exactly what you want your relationship to be- fuckbuddies, dating....?
2. Are you each free to date other people after you move out?
3. You need to look at the issues around why you drank after the breakup. This will come back to haunt you if you don't deal with the underlying issue that triggered the drinking.

 

[NineOfClubs]

Because you were together 4 years, you may need to evaluate this seriously.

Maybe, aside from the sex, the two of you have a need to be together.

If your association had been six months or so, I might say it was entirely sexual.

But perhaps there's a deeper and more meaningful connection between both of you?

 

[LoveIsNow]

I definitely think moving out will help the situation. Once the two of you have separate spaces and separate lives, it will give you a better vantage point on things. If you have to drive to his house and drive back, or vice verse, for sex, you will be able to think about your deeper motivations.

 

[torand]

You leave each other, you're having sex, it's almost a relationship and the only exception is that you're not calling it one.

That is pretty much the situation. Pretty much the only difference between what we are doing and dating is what we are calling it, and the stipulations that we agreed upon. This is where I see the problem lying; I think because we are doing this he thinks we are almost certainly going to drop the stipulations and start "dating" again after I move out. I am just not sure that we are, and I am concerned that he is seeing my "Maybe" as a "Definitely", because it is followed by sex, and general affection. What we are doing is not just sex, and we are both very clear on that.

There are plenty of stories about couples (gay and straight) who had much better relationships before they made a commitment or got married. And there are plenty of stories about couples who had much better relationships after they broke up or got divorced.

Yeah, this might be where we stand, and I might find that I dating him while not living with him helps resolve some of the problems we were having (Because spending time with him is not as easy as walking in the other room). I need time to figure that out, I am just very concerned about what to do in the meantime.

Are you each free to date other people after you move out?

This was one of the things we talked about, and we are both free to date other people right now, with the understanding that what we are doing would end if that happened. Because I am not sure what I am going to want to do, I have honestly encouraged him to pursue this if he wants to. I don't want him to sit around waiting for me to make a decision that I have no time frame on, I want him to do whatever he needs to in order to be happy. I personally have zero interest in doing this myself, and he doesn't seem to either, but I have made sure he knows that I don't think I have a right to object if it is something he wanted to pursue.

You need to look at the issues around why you drank after the breakup. This will come back to haunt you if you don't deal with the underlying issue that triggered the drinking.

Depressed, worried if I made the right decision, not wanting to deal with still living with the man that I love, but that I broke up with. I drank because I didn't want to deal with the feelings I was having every night when I came home. I realize how self-destructive this was, and that I was going to have to deal with those feelings eventually anyway, but I kept telling myself that I would just do it until I moved out (Which was months away at the time). I really should have found a better coping mechanism for dealing with these feeling sooner, but I didn't.

As soon as I saw that I was being dumb enough that my job might be in danger (I have worked very hard to be a Senior Software Developer at the age of 23), I snapped out of my stupidity. I don't really think this will ever be an issue for me again, especially after seeing how much I could hurt myself, and how it really only postponed dealing with the real issue.


I really can't wait until I move out. I guess I will just take him at his word that he is OK with this; even if I decide that I don't think the relationship is not going to work out in the end. Hopefully moving out sheds light on how to avoid the problems that we were having, and it never becomes an issue.

Thank you all very much for your advice, I really appreciate it. I think just writing about the situation has helped me a lot, and I am very grateful for everyone who is willing to read the walls of text that appear in some of these threads, and give the knowledgeable, experienced advice that someone inexperienced like me needs .

 

[KaraBulut]

Well, it sounds like you have made up your mind.

Come back and post an update after you have moved out- whether it's good news or bad.

 

[torand]

Alright, well I have been moved out for several weeks now, I figure I would post. First of all, my new house is pretty awesome, and I forgot how much I like living on my own and just having friends over constantly (I didn't really do this all that much when I lived with my ex). I am still not sure exactly where things are going in our relationship, but I definitely think they are a lot better now that we don't live together.

I am discovering quickly however, that if I want to spend time with him, I have to go to him. This is part of what caused our problems to begin with and does not seem too promising. For now, I am just enjoying what there is to be had, but I am pretty confident there will be a day when one of us decides they are not getting everything they want. We will see how it goes though, as always, if there is any experienced advice anyone has, I would love to hear it, as this is all new to me .

 

[spencer]

going to his place only to spend time with him is a step backwards. even if you are just having sex, it's automatically not equal because you have to put forth all the effort.

 

[KaraBulut]

Sometimes growing up also means growing apart.

Now that you're on your own and you're renewing friendships and getting more of a social life, you will outgrow your ex.

Don't be surprised if you meet someone new and you begin focusing on the new boyfriend. And forgetting about the old boyfriend who is now a part of your past.