Complicated - Telling b/f I don't love him anymore

[fed1983]

I've just moved in with my b/f, because we live in different countries, but we decided to give it a try. I moved in with him with the idea of applying for a work permit under the partnership status. Now, under my current tourist visa I'm able to be in the country for 3 months.

Obviously, before my moving in, we were in a long distance relationship, and the last 3 months without seeing him had an impact on me, in the sense that I stopped feeling so much passion for him.

I still love him though, and he's amazing with me, he loves me dearly and told me he'd give everything up for me, but I don't feel the same for him now, I don't love him as much as he loves me, which breaks my heart cos he's such a nice guy.

I haven't told him about how I feel yet because he's so happy with the idea that I moved in, but I will have to do it soon, because we were supposed to start with the procedures for my work permit... So I'm under time pressure.

How should I begin? It's not easy at all, because I wouldn't want to break his heart, but I don't feel like staying here for good. I wouldn't mind staying with him until my 3 months as a tourist are over, but I don't know how he's gonna take it that I don't want to "marry" him. And the fact that I'm living with him makes it even harder.

I hope I made my point clear. Any advice more than welcome.

Thanx guys!

 

[Shawn1]

Be honest, be kind, and be prepared to move out sooner rather then later.

Good luck.

 

[fed1983]

Yeah, my main worry is not to hurt him, especially when he's already thinking long term, like when he said that we should start thinking of saving for tickets to spend Xmas with my family in two years. It was a really nice idea, but he's already assuming that we're gonna be together for ever

 

[KaraBulut]

Let's recap:

• You love him
• He's amazing with you
• He loves you dearly
• He told you he'd give everything up for you
• He's such a nice guy.

Pardon me for a moment, but are you fucking crazy?

 

[G-Lexington]

No, he's human. Raise your hand if you've never known somebody who passed over the guy (or girl) who treated him (or her) perfectly - sometimes for years - in order to get with the asshole. I can think of five without even trying.

That said, if all that's missing is passion, maybe you should work on rekindling it instead of throwing in the towel. Different positions, different rooms, different toys, different roles. But honestly, it sounds like you're already set on ending it. In which case, you can either make it quick and painful, or slow and painful. The key word being "painful".

Lex

 

[fed1983]

I'm not fucking crazy, but nobody can control their feelings...

And when I say I love him, it's not the kind of love that makes you want to spend the rest of your love with the guy.

And yeah, there's a missing passion on my side, but it's not the sexual passion anyway, so getting new toys wouldn't help, it's the passion of getting committed to a life-time together that I lost.

That's why I stated in the title - "Complicated"

 

[G-Lexington]

Then I'd say call an end to it. Immediately if not sooner. Say you don't feel ready to be tied down to a "happily ever after" with him, and you feel it's best to cut ties.

Lex

 

[rain09]

sounds unfortunate. That's definitely not an easy situation to deal with. If you don't love him how he loves you, he needs to know. Tell him. Like Lex said, it's going to be painful, but in the end you'll both live.

 

[Steiner]

That sounds like a horrible situation to be in.

As some others have said, ending it now is probably the best thing to do. Carrying on the relationship if you're not committed isn't going to help either of you.

 

[fed1983]

Yeah, maybe continuing the relationship would be the 'comfortable' and 'easy' way to go, but not the honest one. Sometimes I feel guilty cos he doesn't deserve it, but if I don't end up with this, I might turn out into a monster in the future (like being grumpy, cheating on him and all sorts of evil).

Thanks for the advice, it's been really nice to hear different opinions

 

[soulseeker]

I think you should end it. Tell him that you don't feel the same way about living together any longer. It may hurt him in the short term but if you wait in the long term and tell him it will hurt him more and may traumatize him.

 

[KaraBulut]

I'm not fucking crazy, but nobody can control their feelings...

And when I say I love him, it's not the kind of love that makes you want to spend the rest of your love with the guy.

There's a saying in the South about how dogs always chase cars but if they ever caught one, they'd say, "WTF do I do now?".

It seems like this is what has happened here. You went from a long-distance relationship to something very committed that had a lot of other attachments to it- like your work visa.

And now you're trapped.

What is disconcerting is that you haven't given any hints that things weren't fine before the ugly "C" word (commitment) got in the way. And you've listed very little other than positive traits- things that would indicate that this guy should be a "keeper".

Maybe the answer here is to back off on the commitment thing and try to figure out if this is a salvageable relationship. It may not be but it would be a shame to throw away a perfectly good guy just because you're feeling a little trapped by the commitments that you've made in order to live together.

No, he's human. Raise your hand if you've never known somebody who passed over the guy (or girl) who treated him (or her) perfectly - sometimes for years - in order to get with the asshole. I can think of five without even trying.

Yes, I've known those people. But now that I'm older, I know far more people who regret that they screwed up good relationships and dumped good guys when they were younger.

But that's life's great irony- wisdom too often comes too late in life.

 

[fed1983]

Yes, I've known those people. But now that I'm older, I know far more people who regret that they screwed up good relationships and dumped good guys when they were younger.

But that's life's great irony- wisdom too often comes too late in life.

Question... they regret having screwed up good relationships. But what would have happened if they carried on with them when they didn't feel like? Maybe that would be a decision to regret too? Nobody knows.

I like your point though, I think it's interesting. Keep on posting

 

[KaraBulut]

Question... they regret having screwed up good relationships. But what would have happened if they carried on with them when they didn't feel like? Maybe that would be a decision to regret too? Nobody knows.

The point is that they didn't stop and think about the situation and whether it is fixable. They just bailed.

It's only in retrospect and after dating losers that they realized that maybe it wasn't as bad as they thought.

There's a great scene in the movie "Up In The Air" in which a younger and an older woman are having a discussion about what they're looking for in men. It pretty much sums up the difference between being young and idealistic versus being older and pragmatic.

 

[liljaden2003]

I funny enough have been in exactly the same position you are obviously with some differences. I ended things with my ex about just a month ago. We were together for 1 year and 8 months. I totally get where you coming from because with my ex I truly cared for him deeply and always have and always will. But for me as my own person to care for someone and to love and be in love with someone are different. I had nothing to complain about he was wonderful with me and worshipped the ground I walked on. In hindsight I realize now had I just ended it earlier when I knew the feelings I had weren't enough to see the relationship through then I would of saved both him and I a long and painful time in the long run. So be honest be kind be sincere. But break it off and don't allow yourself to drag it out. But now that we are over I feel a ton of weight been lifted off my shoulder and have learnt a invaluable life lesson.