gdude30
...
Jeez I've already made two threads here.
Well I was getting worse and not better but the therapist helped and it diddn't help. I felt guilty for having to go see him and hate that I had to lie about where I was going. So I told him I was done with that.
Also couldn't really afford it.
Work has been better lately because of what I learned. Did not overwork myself for my last few days and got alot done.
Things did kinda settle down.
Until last night. I have been talking to this guy for a while and we seemed to have common and similar interests. So last night we meet in public of course and we ate at whole foods which was really good. Then I went back to his hotel and it was nice. We pretty much talked there and listened to his music. He plays the piano and made a cd of it. It's so beautiful and amazing. He gave me a free CD of it.
And the room was so amazing. Widescreen tv, walls were half red, frames, I couldn't believe it. I was also really tired so I rested on the couch. I lost track of time. And I realized it was 11. I thought to myself "Oh shit I need to go" and I told him that and then my dad called me and texted me. He said the buses don't run anymore and asked where I am.
I told him I was surprised they don't run and that I am in midtown. He asked where and that's when we started to leave. I said I'd find a place to go to and 20 minutes later he called back asking where. We tried to get to midtown but traffic was so bad we decided he would drop me off at home. I ignored my dad's calls a few times and called him back. I told him a friend is dropping me off. He told me that it's bullshit and he doesn't believe I even rode the bus and that I better be home before him.
I was.
Then they got home later and I tried a series of cover ups and nothing worked. It looked like I had no choice. I mentioned therapy and that I was there. Because I have been to therapy before. And then he told me therapists don't work that late. Then I finally told him what happened but I told him I have been seeing a therapist and gave him his number and that kinda thing.
He says I don't respect him. I say I just can't respect him the true way a real son would respect his real father. I said I can't help it but I feel like I'd betray my real dad if I did that.
He told me that my real dad is dead and I was surprised to hear it. In some ways I have denied that fact that he is dead. I've been telling myself well maybe somehow he is alive. I don't think I still truly accept the fact that he's dead. That's too painful for me. He told me my dad was killed by terrorists. Fucking terrorists. Now the dream I had made sense though. Me killing to terrorists. I did not even know that was the reason he died but I really did suspect that. And according to my dad he told me when I was younger that my dad, mom, and all family are dead. I must have tried to forget that when I was little because it was too painful. It was when he mentioned it at DeVry that I really thought about it. But fucking terrorists. That was my exact fear of going to peru. Getting killed by them. Like father like son I suppose.
Well I guess that's it. I'll never meet or know my father. I swear I can fucking remember her right there when I was barely 12 months old and my mom holding me inside our house in peru. Very small hut actually. According to my dad he never even saw it because it was up in the mountains and that my real mom travelled to the city to meet him and bring me.
Maybe they really did want to save me. Because the country is such a shit hole they figured that terrorists would either kill me or that I'd starve to death like my mom. I can't believe how much sense that dream makes now. I think inside I always knew it but to actually hear what really happened.
But I still don't know if my dad had any health problems, medical or mental diseases that I inherited or if he infact was gay. But I can't believe he died shortly after I was born. There he was when I first entered this world. And a little before I was adopted he left this world. I wonder if I even saw him die. I wonder if my mom knows who killed him. But like she'd pass that information onto anyone. Or if she did those people probably died too. I don't think I'll ever find out who killed or him. And in a sense that doesn't matter because that's not what I'm looking for.
I just wanted to here "You're not alone. Your family is in Peru"
I wanted to hear that. I wanted to hear that I am not the only one left. I imagined that I was when I was younger and it hurt so much to think that. My co-worker at work is the same way. She told me and she's gone through alot in her life. She told me she is alone. But that she isn't lonely anymore.
How can I accept my dad's as my real fathers. I know they have done everything for me. But how can I tell them that I love them and appreciate everything they've ever done. They took me away from my real parents. But it was really them who gave me up. I just can't let go of this. I can let go of someone calling me a retard, beating me up, hurting me emotionally, or taking things for me. I can forgive people for that. I can forgive people for almost anything and let things go. But I just can't let this go. My sister doesn't give a FUCK about her family or country. And last night she said that what I said about my family doesn't have to do with anything. When in fact it has to do with everything. She is too young to understand.
I just can't accept the fact that he is dead. And my mom. In some way I am glad that I at least had fathers. But never a mom.
I don't even know what that's like. And I used to cry when I saw one of my friends hugging their mom and telling me they loved her. Or seeing someone say they hate their mom. Their real family. They have no idea how lucky they are for them to share the same blood as their parents.
Why can't I see my fathers are real parents. They do everything for me and my sister. I have never given them a chance to help me emotionally because I feel that it's not their place since they aren't my real parents. I'm not mean to them or anything. I just never help out and now I haven't even done things they tell me to do. But it's not completly true.
When I am out I usually come home an hour earlier to tell them what's going on and tell them where I am to make them feel better
But with some guys I've met I completly lied and did not tell them. I was afraid I'd be judged or not allowed to. Even though I have stopped having sex with hook ups I felt that even though I was meeting a guy they'd just assume I'd have sex with him and not allow me to go. My dad said he can't stop me and thinks if I want to go I should go. And what I do is all up to me.
I begged him to let me at least see Michael tomorrow. As in him coming over and me not leaving with him but giving him a big goodbye hug. He is going to London. I am going to college. I might never see him until after college. I am going to miss him. We have become great friends. My dad originally said I could do that but after the long talk we had last night I can still go to my concert, see him whether we have sex or not. He has become such a good friend of mine I feel that it's right. There is an attraction too.
I'm taking to him right now actually. He understands alot of what I am saying because he's been through therapy, done drugs, drinking, smoking, and all that shit for various reasons.
I don't know if we will have sex or not and that is not my concern right now. I just want to spend time with him before he goes.
I don't like to lie. And I only do if I really have to and last night was the most I've ever lied.
But my pop understands what my other dad has done to both me and my sister. His father called him stupid and he did the same to me. He would get so pissed off and yell and scream and throw shit and my pop wanted to stop him because he felt he would break the family apart. And he could never help us with homework because he was so busy and he felt bad that he wasn't there to stop dad or fill in so we diddn't have to deal with him.
But my dad is getting better. But like him I feel if I can't do things on my own i'm a failure, asking for help is a sign of weakness, and that I should keep things to myself.
When I said this things my pop said "Wow you do make a point"
My sister gets mad like him, throws stuff, slams things, and wants to leave the house. That's more of the old him though.
My therapist called this morning too and he said that he'd be willing to talk to me and my dads and sister too. Donno if I want her involved.
I made a big mistake and mentioned how she threw a party when they left once and how she got into a car accident. She kept asking "Why is it so hard to tell pap and dad things. They love you and respect you"
And I called her out for the house party with the drugs and drinking and the car crash and asked why she couldn't tell them about that.
In truth I hated keeping that from my parents so much. I sort of leaked out bits of stuff about it just to hide the guilt. I regret ever allowing her to do that and she did drive home drunk the other day. I feel like I am responsible for her little games and fun. I have seen her sneak out and just went "Eh it's her choice"
She sneaks out of the house so much.
I just don't know how I can accept my parents as real parents. I just don't know how. But i know I need to do. I don't know how I can start being open with people too. I always hide what I really feel from my friends and management and go, "Oh yeah I'm fine
"
I think the therapist would help. But he asked me if I am really ready for college?
Am I?
Could I not handle college right now?
Will I really be able to accept my parents.
Can I really tell my parents. "Oh yeah I'm going to meet a guy from the internet but not have sex"
That sounds like such bullshit. But it's true. I quit hook ups ever since the gym incident. And I have proven to myself that it's possible to hang out with an older guy and be really good friends with him. Hell me and my ex talk so much about politics and the government it amazes me. Maybe younger older friendships are harder. But they are possible.
But right now. I don't feel like I deserve to hang out with friends. Straight or gay, older or younger. I feel that because I've been such a decietful bastard I don't have the right. Kind of like how at work I never took breaks and never ate until the new manager asked me if I wanted to break. I felt like I did not deserve it and that it would slow me down.
I feel like I need to suffer too much and that is probably partly because of my dad. But I never feel like it's enough. I think maybe if I suffer enough then one day in the future I will suffer no more.
But I have so much fucking baggage right now there is no way in hell I should even consider dating anymore. Michael, My ex, no one. I'm trying to get better and I took a big step by telling my dad and letting him know how I feel.
But right now. I feel like i need someone. My friend is moving away, my ex is far away, I don't really have anyone. I should not keep pretending that everything is okay or trying to do things on my own.
A few days ago I figured I should leave JUB since no one here should have to hear my bitching or hear about my problems because I shouldn't bring anyone down and should let everyone be happy and I don't care how I feel or what happens to me. Even now I sort of feel like that. But I feel like I should at least give it a chance.
The confidence thing is still an issue and I don't have much.
But I think right now the biggest hurdle is accepting my parents, telling friends or people by me when I am not okay, learning that help isn't a sign of weakness, and finding genuine friends.
Even if I don't deserve it I can try.
I just can't believe that all this happened last night. I tried to hold back so much from crying and I did hold back alot. I'm glad my sister left and I think in some ways I did that purposely to make her leave so I could really talk to my pop.
I do have some fear over my dad because of what happened when I was younger and the fact that I don't want to dissapoint him or for him to yell at me. Even though he has changed that fear is still with me today.
I don't really know where to go from here.
I talked to the therapist, my parents, and all that. I should tell my ex everything that happened. I'm sure he might feel a little bad and worry more but he'll also support me and I know he is there if I fall. He'll catch me. My friend who is leaving seems to really understand too. Even if I don't love him in the way that I'd love a partner. He is still a really good friend and he seems to care and want to help.
Maybe I should give people a chance. But it all goes back to that fear of rejection.
I guess the main thing is I got confronted and spilled out everything and let everything out and found out so much and I have to accept that my dad is dead now.
Even though I really can't and still feel like maybe he is alive. Or maybe someone from my family is.
Am I really all alone?
I have always felt alone my whole life. Did I really know even when I was younger that my family is dead.
Do I really remember that image of me being in that small hut with both my parents and my mom holding me and my dad being next to me. I can picture that image very well. But whether it is reality or fantasy is not something I know. Only I know what my home looks like because no one ever went there. Could I even find it today if I were to go to Peru.
If I ever went to Peru would I have to confront those terrorists or would I be attacked by them. Could I really face them right now?
My father was a man and they killed him. I am just a stupid fucked up kid. There is no way I could.
But my dad told me something a few nights ago. When we were confronting my sister about her drinking, drugs, and sneaking out.
He said I have been always confident in myself and even my elementary school teachers would say how I do what I feel is right and I did not do stupid things like the other kids. He says how peer pressure doesn't get to me but it does to my sister.
I think it's kind of stupid to do things you don't want to or don't feel right to be accepted. But that's because I'm used to rejection.
He even said last night I am wise beyond my years. I think that's a load of horse shit. But the thing is even if that is true. I am still a kid. I am still 18. I still hurt and I still need friends and love. Even though I have built up the reputation of being this silent but wise loner. Fuck I ain't smart at all. I'm a freaking dumbass who always compares myself to others for some reason.
But I do like competition. Anyways I'll stop.
I don't know what to think of this post.
I don't know what I am asking from you JUBBERS. I don't know if I am asking for you to help me feel better by telling me okay, if I am asking for you to tell something similar, if I am asking you if you can understand and know how I feel or what.
I don't know the purpose of the thread but I'll post it anyways and if it's spam a mod can delete it.
I just really don't know what to do right now. I am so lost. But at the same time I feel a little stronger then before.
Well I was getting worse and not better but the therapist helped and it diddn't help. I felt guilty for having to go see him and hate that I had to lie about where I was going. So I told him I was done with that.
Also couldn't really afford it.
Work has been better lately because of what I learned. Did not overwork myself for my last few days and got alot done.
Things did kinda settle down.
Until last night. I have been talking to this guy for a while and we seemed to have common and similar interests. So last night we meet in public of course and we ate at whole foods which was really good. Then I went back to his hotel and it was nice. We pretty much talked there and listened to his music. He plays the piano and made a cd of it. It's so beautiful and amazing. He gave me a free CD of it.
And the room was so amazing. Widescreen tv, walls were half red, frames, I couldn't believe it. I was also really tired so I rested on the couch. I lost track of time. And I realized it was 11. I thought to myself "Oh shit I need to go" and I told him that and then my dad called me and texted me. He said the buses don't run anymore and asked where I am.
I told him I was surprised they don't run and that I am in midtown. He asked where and that's when we started to leave. I said I'd find a place to go to and 20 minutes later he called back asking where. We tried to get to midtown but traffic was so bad we decided he would drop me off at home. I ignored my dad's calls a few times and called him back. I told him a friend is dropping me off. He told me that it's bullshit and he doesn't believe I even rode the bus and that I better be home before him.
I was.
Then they got home later and I tried a series of cover ups and nothing worked. It looked like I had no choice. I mentioned therapy and that I was there. Because I have been to therapy before. And then he told me therapists don't work that late. Then I finally told him what happened but I told him I have been seeing a therapist and gave him his number and that kinda thing.
He says I don't respect him. I say I just can't respect him the true way a real son would respect his real father. I said I can't help it but I feel like I'd betray my real dad if I did that.
He told me that my real dad is dead and I was surprised to hear it. In some ways I have denied that fact that he is dead. I've been telling myself well maybe somehow he is alive. I don't think I still truly accept the fact that he's dead. That's too painful for me. He told me my dad was killed by terrorists. Fucking terrorists. Now the dream I had made sense though. Me killing to terrorists. I did not even know that was the reason he died but I really did suspect that. And according to my dad he told me when I was younger that my dad, mom, and all family are dead. I must have tried to forget that when I was little because it was too painful. It was when he mentioned it at DeVry that I really thought about it. But fucking terrorists. That was my exact fear of going to peru. Getting killed by them. Like father like son I suppose.
Well I guess that's it. I'll never meet or know my father. I swear I can fucking remember her right there when I was barely 12 months old and my mom holding me inside our house in peru. Very small hut actually. According to my dad he never even saw it because it was up in the mountains and that my real mom travelled to the city to meet him and bring me.
Maybe they really did want to save me. Because the country is such a shit hole they figured that terrorists would either kill me or that I'd starve to death like my mom. I can't believe how much sense that dream makes now. I think inside I always knew it but to actually hear what really happened.
But I still don't know if my dad had any health problems, medical or mental diseases that I inherited or if he infact was gay. But I can't believe he died shortly after I was born. There he was when I first entered this world. And a little before I was adopted he left this world. I wonder if I even saw him die. I wonder if my mom knows who killed him. But like she'd pass that information onto anyone. Or if she did those people probably died too. I don't think I'll ever find out who killed or him. And in a sense that doesn't matter because that's not what I'm looking for.
I just wanted to here "You're not alone. Your family is in Peru"
I wanted to hear that. I wanted to hear that I am not the only one left. I imagined that I was when I was younger and it hurt so much to think that. My co-worker at work is the same way. She told me and she's gone through alot in her life. She told me she is alone. But that she isn't lonely anymore.
How can I accept my dad's as my real fathers. I know they have done everything for me. But how can I tell them that I love them and appreciate everything they've ever done. They took me away from my real parents. But it was really them who gave me up. I just can't let go of this. I can let go of someone calling me a retard, beating me up, hurting me emotionally, or taking things for me. I can forgive people for that. I can forgive people for almost anything and let things go. But I just can't let this go. My sister doesn't give a FUCK about her family or country. And last night she said that what I said about my family doesn't have to do with anything. When in fact it has to do with everything. She is too young to understand.
I just can't accept the fact that he is dead. And my mom. In some way I am glad that I at least had fathers. But never a mom.
I don't even know what that's like. And I used to cry when I saw one of my friends hugging their mom and telling me they loved her. Or seeing someone say they hate their mom. Their real family. They have no idea how lucky they are for them to share the same blood as their parents.
Why can't I see my fathers are real parents. They do everything for me and my sister. I have never given them a chance to help me emotionally because I feel that it's not their place since they aren't my real parents. I'm not mean to them or anything. I just never help out and now I haven't even done things they tell me to do. But it's not completly true.
When I am out I usually come home an hour earlier to tell them what's going on and tell them where I am to make them feel better
But with some guys I've met I completly lied and did not tell them. I was afraid I'd be judged or not allowed to. Even though I have stopped having sex with hook ups I felt that even though I was meeting a guy they'd just assume I'd have sex with him and not allow me to go. My dad said he can't stop me and thinks if I want to go I should go. And what I do is all up to me.
I begged him to let me at least see Michael tomorrow. As in him coming over and me not leaving with him but giving him a big goodbye hug. He is going to London. I am going to college. I might never see him until after college. I am going to miss him. We have become great friends. My dad originally said I could do that but after the long talk we had last night I can still go to my concert, see him whether we have sex or not. He has become such a good friend of mine I feel that it's right. There is an attraction too.
I'm taking to him right now actually. He understands alot of what I am saying because he's been through therapy, done drugs, drinking, smoking, and all that shit for various reasons.
I don't know if we will have sex or not and that is not my concern right now. I just want to spend time with him before he goes.
I don't like to lie. And I only do if I really have to and last night was the most I've ever lied.
But my pop understands what my other dad has done to both me and my sister. His father called him stupid and he did the same to me. He would get so pissed off and yell and scream and throw shit and my pop wanted to stop him because he felt he would break the family apart. And he could never help us with homework because he was so busy and he felt bad that he wasn't there to stop dad or fill in so we diddn't have to deal with him.
But my dad is getting better. But like him I feel if I can't do things on my own i'm a failure, asking for help is a sign of weakness, and that I should keep things to myself.
When I said this things my pop said "Wow you do make a point"
My sister gets mad like him, throws stuff, slams things, and wants to leave the house. That's more of the old him though.
My therapist called this morning too and he said that he'd be willing to talk to me and my dads and sister too. Donno if I want her involved.
I made a big mistake and mentioned how she threw a party when they left once and how she got into a car accident. She kept asking "Why is it so hard to tell pap and dad things. They love you and respect you"
And I called her out for the house party with the drugs and drinking and the car crash and asked why she couldn't tell them about that.
In truth I hated keeping that from my parents so much. I sort of leaked out bits of stuff about it just to hide the guilt. I regret ever allowing her to do that and she did drive home drunk the other day. I feel like I am responsible for her little games and fun. I have seen her sneak out and just went "Eh it's her choice"
She sneaks out of the house so much.
I just don't know how I can accept my parents as real parents. I just don't know how. But i know I need to do. I don't know how I can start being open with people too. I always hide what I really feel from my friends and management and go, "Oh yeah I'm fine
"I think the therapist would help. But he asked me if I am really ready for college?
Am I?
Could I not handle college right now?
Will I really be able to accept my parents.
Can I really tell my parents. "Oh yeah I'm going to meet a guy from the internet but not have sex"
That sounds like such bullshit. But it's true. I quit hook ups ever since the gym incident. And I have proven to myself that it's possible to hang out with an older guy and be really good friends with him. Hell me and my ex talk so much about politics and the government it amazes me. Maybe younger older friendships are harder. But they are possible.
But right now. I don't feel like I deserve to hang out with friends. Straight or gay, older or younger. I feel that because I've been such a decietful bastard I don't have the right. Kind of like how at work I never took breaks and never ate until the new manager asked me if I wanted to break. I felt like I did not deserve it and that it would slow me down.
I feel like I need to suffer too much and that is probably partly because of my dad. But I never feel like it's enough. I think maybe if I suffer enough then one day in the future I will suffer no more.
But I have so much fucking baggage right now there is no way in hell I should even consider dating anymore. Michael, My ex, no one. I'm trying to get better and I took a big step by telling my dad and letting him know how I feel.
But right now. I feel like i need someone. My friend is moving away, my ex is far away, I don't really have anyone. I should not keep pretending that everything is okay or trying to do things on my own.
A few days ago I figured I should leave JUB since no one here should have to hear my bitching or hear about my problems because I shouldn't bring anyone down and should let everyone be happy and I don't care how I feel or what happens to me. Even now I sort of feel like that. But I feel like I should at least give it a chance.
The confidence thing is still an issue and I don't have much.
But I think right now the biggest hurdle is accepting my parents, telling friends or people by me when I am not okay, learning that help isn't a sign of weakness, and finding genuine friends.
Even if I don't deserve it I can try.
I just can't believe that all this happened last night. I tried to hold back so much from crying and I did hold back alot. I'm glad my sister left and I think in some ways I did that purposely to make her leave so I could really talk to my pop.
I do have some fear over my dad because of what happened when I was younger and the fact that I don't want to dissapoint him or for him to yell at me. Even though he has changed that fear is still with me today.
I don't really know where to go from here.
I talked to the therapist, my parents, and all that. I should tell my ex everything that happened. I'm sure he might feel a little bad and worry more but he'll also support me and I know he is there if I fall. He'll catch me. My friend who is leaving seems to really understand too. Even if I don't love him in the way that I'd love a partner. He is still a really good friend and he seems to care and want to help.
Maybe I should give people a chance. But it all goes back to that fear of rejection.
I guess the main thing is I got confronted and spilled out everything and let everything out and found out so much and I have to accept that my dad is dead now.
Even though I really can't and still feel like maybe he is alive. Or maybe someone from my family is.
Am I really all alone?
I have always felt alone my whole life. Did I really know even when I was younger that my family is dead.
Do I really remember that image of me being in that small hut with both my parents and my mom holding me and my dad being next to me. I can picture that image very well. But whether it is reality or fantasy is not something I know. Only I know what my home looks like because no one ever went there. Could I even find it today if I were to go to Peru.
If I ever went to Peru would I have to confront those terrorists or would I be attacked by them. Could I really face them right now?
My father was a man and they killed him. I am just a stupid fucked up kid. There is no way I could.
But my dad told me something a few nights ago. When we were confronting my sister about her drinking, drugs, and sneaking out.
He said I have been always confident in myself and even my elementary school teachers would say how I do what I feel is right and I did not do stupid things like the other kids. He says how peer pressure doesn't get to me but it does to my sister.
I think it's kind of stupid to do things you don't want to or don't feel right to be accepted. But that's because I'm used to rejection.
He even said last night I am wise beyond my years. I think that's a load of horse shit. But the thing is even if that is true. I am still a kid. I am still 18. I still hurt and I still need friends and love. Even though I have built up the reputation of being this silent but wise loner. Fuck I ain't smart at all. I'm a freaking dumbass who always compares myself to others for some reason.
But I do like competition. Anyways I'll stop.
I don't know what to think of this post.
I don't know what I am asking from you JUBBERS. I don't know if I am asking for you to help me feel better by telling me okay, if I am asking for you to tell something similar, if I am asking you if you can understand and know how I feel or what.
I don't know the purpose of the thread but I'll post it anyways and if it's spam a mod can delete it.
I just really don't know what to do right now. I am so lost. But at the same time I feel a little stronger then before.
