Confused about sexuality and gender

[mrmonopoly]

Totally confused would summarize it quite well. I dont know who or what I am.

I've been in a relationship (I'm Male / 20 y) with my boyfriend for one year now
and I have had another short gay relationship earlier.

Everything is swell except for the sexual life where I feel very odd. It's so many things so I think Ill just give you a list and you can read that and tell me what you think.....

-When we have sex I only enjoy the passive role. My bf wants me to be more active but I feel very uncomfortable being so. I feel very uncomfortable getting a blow job and it doesnt make me very horny. I also dont like so much when my bf touches my dick. I have to close my eyes and fantasize that a girl is doing it which helps a little bit but not much.

I also feel uncomfortable when I get compliments from him about my pressumed masculinity. I always laugh it off or deny it.

Other things that are worrying me in the sense that they make me think I may be transsexual in one way or another is that I often have fantasies about being treated like a girl in bed and have considered buying girls clothing to dress up in privately. I also do sex chatting, pretending to be a girl, with older guys. I'm still not sure if this is a way for me to express myself "as a girl" or if it is a way for me to stage and set scenes with explicit content the way I want - usually with submission on the "girl's" part..


I've also noticed that I sit on the toilet when I dont have to.... - has been like that ever since I was a kid - and I know for a fact that during puberty I did not feel proud or anything like that about getting my penis, pubic hair and such. Rather I didnt "engage" much in it, and postponed a necessary circumsition for years.

Because of my worries about gender and such, when I buy clothes I am terrified of buying too colorful clothes or anything resembling femininity because I feel like I would "reveal my secret" or something like that... I always wear "nondescript" clothes. Neutral.

I've never had a relationship or affair with a girl, partly because of compulsive sadistical feelings/thoughts towards girls and which I do not want to express, and partly because of an adolescence marked by loneliness, solitude and alienation. In other words.. no experience to build on...


So... I guess I'm quite fucked up, huh? :\

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB!

You may in fact be transgender. I honestly know next to nothing about the subject, but you might want to start doing some reading about it, and see if you can find some other transgender people to chat with to see if you seem to fit that.

Lex

 

[saymyname]

The thing that I don't understand is that you say you enjoy playing the passive role (typical bottom, nothing strange about that) but that when your bf touches your dick, you have to imagine a girl touching it? Why? That sounds like more of a hidden contempt for your homosexuality than anything to do with gender dysphoria.

 

[mrmonopoly]

I don't know exactly why I don't enjoy his touching my dick,
but the reason I suspect is that it is
too "manly" an activity to be involved in for me personally.
This "realization" further increases my own alienation for my own
body or maybe more specifically the use of my own body in sexual situations.
I also want to say that this "thinking its a girl doing it trick" doesnt do wonders for me, sort of brings the situation to neutral from turn-off)

Of course there could be other reasons aswell. Maybe I just don't get turned on by it due to some pysological reason. Or maybe as someone said its because of some hidden disdain of my being gay (i dont think so though because im a person whove spent a long time thinking and has generally moved in life from conservative values to very liberal values).

Also I dont know how uncommon this is.... not liking BJs. If its a thing happening one time in a million among bi males then I think theres reason to delve deeper into it.

You know... this whole "thing" is sort of a situation where I debate whether to supress or accept. The latter is usually what is adviced but on the other hand someone who is having OCD and has obsessions should maybe indeed supress them. .... I dunno.......... Be yourself.... but then you have to know who that is....

 

[spencer]

can you repeat what sexual things you do like with your boyfriend?

 

[cklover]

If you think may be transexual I suggest you look for a transexual site on the internet. Look for users on the site that identify themselves as transexual and engage them in communications to try to get an insight into transexuality and your feelings and inner turmoil. Read the different posts from people. You may learn a lot.

If you live in or near a large centre try to find a place where transexuals are. Meet them and talk to them. At least that way you might get some help in understanding yourself or get pointed in the right direction.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey mrmonopoly,

Welcome to JUB, and thanks for posting.

Mate, the last thing you are is fucked up... not even close. Theres nothing wrong in how you feel or what you think, dont let yourself ever feel that.

The most important thing to understand is that regardless of where you've come from, regardless of your past or your confusion, you have an enormous amount of worth and value. And no matter where this path takes you, no matter how hard the search for answers the courageous thing you've done here by asking for help says an massive amount about your strength and character.

Your thoughts, your feelings and your emotions are incredibly powerful and individual things... and they play a really important part in your self worth. You have questions and concerns about how you feel and what it all means... and sometimes as individuals we cant get out of our own thought pattern to see any sort of answers.

To see that you are in a relationship, to see your clarity of thought, is really reassuring. It means that you are learning and thinking this through... but perhaps its time to open up to your local GP, and let him hear some of your fears and concerns. And if he feels the need he can help you seek some answers beyond what we can here.

In the meantime mate, know that you are never alone. And that no matter how different or excluded you feel that there is a group of guys here who have sometimes felt that same pain. And none of us will think less of you no matter what the outcome of your journey is. You are now a member of our community, and incredibly open and accepting one... and one whos proud to have you amongst us.

Remember mate that you are an incredible important and individual soul and that your courage and strength will keep you in good stead as you go forward in finding the answers to your questions. Hold your head high and feel proud of who you are becoming as you discover yourself... you're at the beginning of finding the happiness you really deserve.

 

[Smitho]

Hi,

You say your life is going well, but you are just confused about some things. Firstly I would reiterate what is said above and that whatever you are feeling someone else has felt and gone through the same thing, you are not alone, you have a Bf and you just have to work out these issues.

I am also confused as there seems to be a bit of a mixing up, of sexual roles (top / Bttm and BJs etc), Gender roles (with you being embarrased when you bf says you are manly) and the transgender issues (wanting to try womens clothes etc. With out stating the obvious I know st8 women who love "manly" activities and could change the oil on your car, without making them less female.

For being Transexual is natual, and while it is hard as it is less accepted than being gay, it is just another difference. I would be tempted to look at this, try at home some womens clothes, have you talked to your bf about this? Do you think he would be supportive?

And take your time, this does not all need to be fixed by the end of the week, be patient with yourself and find your confort zone. Maybe meeting and chatting with other transsexuals may help?

Finally good luck with whatever you choose.