Confused and panicked.

[foreveryoung]

Where should I start? So a few weeks ago I felt like I need to think about my life. I honestly didn't know who I am anymore. I had a lot of confusion about my sexuality. I haven't done anything with guys and I have been always "in-love" with gurls. But there was always a part of me that was into guys. Of course I haven't told anyone about that. My people would probably kill me and feel like I've cheated on them. So I decided that I will log into that site with gay dates (I KNOW, IT DOES SOUND STUPID RIGHT NOW ). I've had all of my photos locked, without my name - just simple facts about me + my smudgy photo (I thought it was impossible to recognise me) from 2009. Everything was fine until yesterday. I got message from a stranger (without a photo or avatar): "Hey .... (my name), how are you?". I was so shocked as I didn't write my name anywhere. I decided to ignore it as I thought it might be just a coincidence. But then after 5 minutes the second message came: "... (my surname) GAY!". I was like WTF. I've just replied "thanks, everything's fine" but I had tears in my eyes. Then the next message came: "Alright, you are over in ... (my hometown), .... (my curent place of living) and .... (the city where my school was)". Guys, I don't know what should I do. I have no idea who it might be and why that person hates me so much. My life will be even bigger disaster than it is already. Any ideas what should I do with that bitch? I had a sleepless night, I switched off my phone and I've been sitting in my room all day.

 

[torontoguy90]

Hello, and welcome!

Why don't you block that person on the website?

Do you know them well enough that they have your phone number?

From an outside perspective, it feels like you may be over thinking what they have said to you, unless you left out any other details?
All the said was your full name and where you live and the city your school is in- did they say anything hurtful besides the " your surname GAY"?
While that may be really uncomfortable to you right now because you are unsure of yourself, they may just know someone who knows you, maybe they were trying to be friendly?

 

[palbert]

Without complete forethought you set in motion a set of unintended consequences. From your present state - PANIC - I would take down all pics, etc. Until you are ready to deal with your interest in the gay lifestyle I would suggest that someone else posted the pics - from your description you so degraded them they could credibly be from a hostile source. Fob off your "tormentor" as best you can: if he pursues you - unlikely - he will appear malicious.

You are really projecting when you suggest this person "hates you so much." YOU are the one who set these events into play. You opened an invitation and he's accepting.

Without knowing more, were I you I would characterize this as a prank, would deny just about everything, and would take down the account(s).

AND I would then figure out how to grow up and act responsibly and anticipate consequences.

NOTE: Torontoguy raises good points. I am writing based on what I see as your sense of panic. If you can socialize the guy - one? - away and eliminate the evicence you can then figure out how to act matorely.

 

[sixthson]

First, calm down.

Second, he is on a gay dating site, so he is gay, too.

You could always reply to him if he contacts you again and ask his identity. If he refuses, can't you report him to the site management?

 

[Rolyo85]

You sound very young. A few points:

1. Your parents won't "kill" you for being gay. In fact, hard as it is to imagine right now, your life will not crumble if you turn out to be gay and come out. If anything, resolving the internal conflict will get you to a better place.

2. However this guy found out about you is irrelevant. He does sound malicious, but he can't really do anything to you. Don't panic, don't turn off your phone, in short - DO NOT LET YOURSELF CARE. Delete every trace of your presence on the site - pictures, profile, cookies, history - whatever you need to to make sure that if a paranoid parent checked your computer, they wouldn't find a trace of it. If anyone accosts you about this in real life, act nonchalant. Tell them you have no idea what they're talking about and ask them what THEY were doing on a gay site to begin with. This guy has absolutely no power over you unless you give it to him, and the way to not give it to him is to not act threatened. Trust me - you're NOT.

3. If you wanna talk about this situation and/or your feelings about guys and stuff like that, I'll be happy to answer any question you have or discuss every thought you have. Just send me a PM.

We're here for you. Don't panic and don't worry too much. It is not a big deal and I've escaped much more dangerous situations without a scratch when I was in the closet

 

[Seasoned]

Welcome to JUB. Try not to panic. Have you mentioned everything? Where (in general) are you located? This may not be a threat but just someone who found you without introducing himself. Did you ask him his name? Unless he made some threat he might just be playing with you.

Feel free to pm me or anyone else with whom you feel comfortable.

 

[foreveryoung]

Thanks for your replies, guys. It means a lot to me. So I calmed down and to be honest I feel more 'safe' today. My "tormentor" hasn't sent me more messages since last time. Sorry for me being panicked and all, but he was not friendly at all. First of all he didn't introduce himself or put his photos online, he immediately told me that I'm done everywhere. It freaked me out and I really do hope that he won't turn out to be a devil and won't tell anybody. Anyway, I don't have any photo right now, but I've noticed something that bothered me a little bit. A few hours ago, two guys (without a photo of course) from my hometown (I didn't put my hometown on my profile, just a place where I live now) visited my profile at the same time (21.23 and 21.24). I know I might be exaggerating, but still who knows.

 

[Telstra]

what country are you talking about?

As sixthson, he/they are gay too if they are on that site.
(not sure what site you are talking about).

 

[palbert]

Foreveryoung - things stay cool thru the nit?

 

[Benvolio]

He is probably gay himself and,there is little likelihood that he will out you, because he knows how you feel. But if he contacts you again I suggest you 1. Ask him who he is, And 2. tell him some one else put your stuff on the site. If he tells you who he is , there is little chance he will out you denial is not perfect but it is the best defense you have. Most gays have felt your fear and paranoia at one time or another and it is not as big a deal as it may feel like at the time.

 

[Ganoderma]

hi Foreveryoung,

First of all, welcome to JUB and feel free to ask all kind of questions over here. I think you have already set some important steps towards accepting yourself, with creating an account on JUB and ask people over here for help as one of these steps.

I feel very sorry that this creep was - apparently?- one of the first guys you contacted (well, he contacted you) on a gay dating site. That's really a very horrible experience. Feel free to make contacts with other guys of around your age at JUB. There are alot of them of around your age on JUB, and quite a few like to make online friends (and they are nice guys who won't behave mean like this creep).

I tend to think that it is very likely that this guy is gay as well (or curious at least), but likely -still- in strong deny. Well, you can always ly about these pics on the site (and on many other items as well).

I tend to think that you are living in the US (?), and that your family (parents) are very, very religious? I think its very normal for a lot of guys that they are confused for a certain amount of time if they like girls (=straight) or guys (=gay), or anything in between (=bi). Such confused feelings are normal, and therefore no need to feel ashamed when you have told people before (eg, your parents or other members of your family, & also friends) that you like girls (or had a girlfriend, or things like that).

Besides that, you have just decided for some weeks that your sexual feelings go towards guys. Well, alot of people are like that, and alot of people live a very happy life as an open gay.

So please don't be too panicked. Definitely, that creep wants to hide his own identity, where-as you had put a -vague- photo of yourself on that dating site. Is there any sort of gay support group in your surroundings, do you have -good- friends who are 'gayfriendly', etc?

Anyway, I would like to wish you all the best. The creep has much more problems than you, as the creep wants to hide his identity.

Finally, open gays (like me and like many other people over here on JUB) don't need to be afraid for such creeps. It's not a secret that we are gay, so such creeps cannot do anything.

Take care & feel free to react.

 

[foreveryoung]

Thanks guys for your absorption and advice. I really appreciate it. I'm from eastern Europe (PL). It all seems to be kinda over right now. I haven't had any messages since the last time, but I still feel really insecure. I don't know who he is and he seems to know a lot about me. I actually might talk to him in the future and I won't know that it was that person. It's really freaky. It all makes me so sad as I still didn't find out who I am and that whole situation is not good for me at all.

 

[foreveryoung]

Oh well now I see that he has deleted his account. :| It makes things even more complicated as now I don't have any chance to find who he is. It all makes me crazy. Wrr.

 

[TX-Beau]

OK at this point you're making yourself crazy.

you can choose to freak about this, or you can choose not to. That choice is only yours.

The only thing this guy can do to you is out you. That's all. You give him that leverage by hiding who you are. If you were out, there would be no freak out, no anxiety, no fear.

So why don't you work on yourself, try to deal with your fear of people knowing about you, until you can deal with that inside yourself, other people will always have the power to instill terror into you.

Is that easy? No. But it's your only way out.