Confused and Questioning my life

[BigToni]

So hi everyone. Ive been apart of this site before but never posted. I am posting today because as the title says I am really confused and im questioning everything.

I am a 23 yr old male from los angeles. For the longest time I told myself I was straight. I knew it wasnt true but I couldnt handle the truth. I guess to truly understand my dilema, i should start at the beginning.

When I was in the 5th grade, I watched porn for the first time. It was also the first time I masturbated. For some reason the first video I watched was of two guys having sex. After that video, I was only watching gay porn. I probably did that all through middle school as well. Was about 4 years. Within those 4 years, I also saw my friends penises for the first time. I remember that after I saw them, I went home and masturbated to them while fingering myself. When I got into high school, all of this changed. I stopped watching gay porn and stopped masturbating to women. I started finding women attractive which led to me watching straight porn and masturbating to and dating girls. In college I watched a mixture of gay and straight porn but still dated girls. When I graduated, I began to change. I started watching more gay porn and started checking out guys. I joined another gay forum and I find myself fantasizing about having sex with all the guys i meet. I have been thinking about men and being with them. It has just really confused me and made me question what is going on.

A part of me feels like I have just been compressing my true feelings and now they are coming out. But another part of me feels like it is just a phase and it will pass. I could really use ur help with trying to work through this and understand it. Thnx.

 

[Seasoned]

I can't presume to know you or what goes on in your mind and libido, but as I read your post I realized you could have been describing my life, except for the video porn which wasn't available.

I imagined a small kernel inside me which I felt I had to suppress. That "kernel" grew to unmanageable size. By that time I was married to my ex-wife, had 2 kids and was sneaking around.

I can understand a person being resistant to self-acceptance, but do let your interest and drive take you where you will be the most fulfilled. Best wishes and feel free to pm.

 

[checkinthingsout]

So hi everyone. Ive been apart of this site before but never posted. I am posting today because as the title says I am really confused and im questioning everything.

I am a 23 yr old male from los angeles. For the longest time I told myself I was straight. I knew it wasnt true but I couldnt handle the truth. I guess to truly understand my dilema, i should start at the beginning.

When I was in the 5th grade, I watched porn for the first time. It was also the first time I masturbated. For some reason the first video I watched was of two guys having sex. After that video, I was only watching gay porn. I probably did that all through middle school as well. Was about 4 years. Within those 4 years, I also saw my friends penises for the first time. I remember that after I saw them, I went home and masturbated to them while fingering myself. When I got into high school, all of this changed. I stopped watching gay porn and stopped masturbating to women. I started finding women attractive which led to me watching straight porn and masturbating to and dating girls. In college I watched a mixture of gay and straight porn but still dated girls. When I graduated, I began to change. I started watching more gay porn and started checking out guys. I joined another gay forum and I find myself fantasizing about having sex with all the guys i meet. I have been thinking about men and being with them. It has just really confused me and made me question what is going on.

A part of me feels like I have just been compressing my true feelings and now they are coming out. But another part of me feels like it is just a phase and it will pass. I could really use ur help with trying to work through this and understand it. Thnx.

I believe you have been compressing your true feelings. It sounds like you are gay. You have a strong intuition that you are gay. Mabe you should find a guy to hook up with so that you can confirm your suspicions, and once you know, start to accept it and live it sooner rather than later.

 

[EddMarkStarr]

I'm very happy to meet you here BigToni .

Like you I am a JUB newbie and here, with your first post, you have touched on a question I have struggled with all my life. Seems to me that you're seeking to understand male sexuality, the big picture, and your place in that vast landscape.

The lesson that I've learned over the last 40 years is that men are sexual, period. Throwaway the hetero, the bi and the homo; men are purely sexual. And here's the best part . . . all men crave affection and human contact. Can you believe that I've spent a lifetime, almost!, doubting that last statement? If it was true where's the evidence?

My evidence BigToni is, you.

Men in general do exactly what you do BigToni, hide their true selves to survive in our workaday world. Hiding sexual desires is really no different than hiding your dislike for a co-worker or maybe your boss at work. We all suppress ourselves in order to get along in this crazy world without making waves. No one really gets hurt but we sacrifice our inner happiness bit by bit.

I'm tellin' ya BigToni , if you could have an honest conversation with a different man each day for a week, you would hear seven different versions of your story. And yeah, in the end you would know seven men that feel inside the way you do right now.

Edd

 

[mbamike]

You are young and single. Now is the perfect time to experiment with both sexes to learn which one you get the most enjoyment OR you may enjoy both equally. Forget about labels. Just explore your sexuality and see where it takes you. Best of luck!

One last note. Play safe. Use condoms, take prEP, and be careful.

 

[BigToni]

Thanks for the responses everyone. I really appreciate it.

 

[jbrown329]

As Ed said, I too went though the struggle. I knew in grade school that I was somehow different. I had impulses and did act on them. That was in the early 70's. I repressed my sexuality while in high school and even dated girls. It took me just over a decade to admit to myself that I wasn't attracted to women. And at the end of that time, I finally admitted to myself that I was gay.

Don't let anyone label you but yourself. Allow yourself to bloom. You might be gay, or you might be bi. Only you will know that.

 

[MEP2491]

Totally in the same boat. Would love that advice too.

 

[tarallucci]

Hi BigToni and welcome.

I'm just 2 years older than you and a bit confused about my sexuality as well. I can tell you that since when I found out I like men, more or less 10 years ago, a lot has changed and I am figuring it out. At first I didn't want to accept the fact that I had homosexual fantasies and even said to myself I should have stopped this but it was overwhelming, so after a while I realized that I had to relax and enjoy what I was feeling. Now I'm ok with it but sometimes I happen to think about women and this has me wondering because I would like to have a relationship and I know I can't have one with both of the sexes. Yet as days pass I am understanding which of the desires is stronger and convincing myself I am gay "for the most part", even if I don't care to find a name for my sexuality. I only like a certain type of men and that is fine. So I'd say give yourself some more time, pay attention to all of the aspects when it comes to decide whether you like one person rather the other, not just the sex appeal and you will clear your doubts.