Confused on where my sexuality is at

[cali805]

First and foremost: I've always been attracted to women, almost to the point of being obsessed with girls. The way they look, talk, act.. to this day it gives me chills thinking about how much I admire a beautiful woman (not in a creepy way). I've always considered myself straight and everyone who knows me knows me as a straight man.

but I remember the first time I had "gay" thoughts I was in an RV with a family friend (we just met that day) we were in separate beds watching a movie and I was on the other side of the RV angled above and behind him and I slowly jerked off under my blankets and he had no idea. I felt so confused why I did that and embarrassed afterwards.

Fast forward to being around 20 years old and I was dating a girl who didn't give blowjobs. I started to get curious why she didn't like sucking dick and began to wonder would be like to suck a dick? I would watch blowjob videos on pornhub and thought it looked fun to pleasure a man to completion. I went on CL and found an ad of an athletic guy around my age and I went to his house. I walked up to his front door and felt nervous so I turned around and started to leave, he texted me asking where I'm going and I decided to go back and went inside. He was standing there in his underwear and I felt uncomfortable and told him I've never done this before and he said it was totally understandable and I left. That was around 10 years ago and I've made a grindr about 100 times, start talking to someone and eventually ask myself "what am I doing!?" and delete the app. I think it has something to do with boredom and watching porn.

It got so bad that I even bought a 6" Dildo to put in my ass while I jerk off (I also learned the most incredible ejaculations come with a Dildo in your ass) and a 9" Dildo to "practice" sucking dick if the day ever came. I got so paranoid my dad would find it that I eventually threw them away.

What's weird is if I'm out and about in public, I don't have these thoughts. I don't look at men, even objectively good looking men, and think to myself "wow I'd love to suck his dick".. but when I'm at home on my computer I'll look at pictures of men on websites like this for example and get tempted to make a grindr again and go try it, which usually ends in me jerking off, having that post nut clarity and wondering why I want to do this?! but it's a consistent back and forth temptation where I'm wondering if I should just try it once? just have a mans dick in my mouth one time and I'll know if I like it or not?

I come from a very homophobic household where being gay would almost be a death sentence and they have no idea I have these thoughts. Should I keep fighting the urge since I've already met up with someone and felt very uncomfortable, or just try it? I think I'm more worried that I'm going to enjoy it and want to do it all the time.

 

[KaraBulut]

Thanks for posting your question in the support forum. It's a very common scenario- otherwise straight-identifying men who have an interest in same-sex interactions.

One thing that is missing from your post is elaboration on your current relationship status. Are you married or committed to a woman? You've described attraction to women but does that translate into healthy relationships with women? The answer to your "Should I?" question will largely depend upon the answer to those questions about your relationships and current relationship status.

First of all, forget about the experience with a family friend. You were young and young people do impulsive things that they would not do if they were adults.

The behaviors as an adult are what you should focus upon. You have a scenario which is very common: a guy gets horny or drunk or high and their inhibitions are lessened and they contemplate sexual fantasies that they otherwise suppress. We have an entire forum for guys who have these fantasies, or in some cases, realities where they identify as straight but enjoy watching gay porn, getting blowjobs, getting blowjobs or enjoy getting fucked by a guy. There is nothing unusual or particular wrong with this, as long as no one is getting hurt.

Which brings us back to the question: "Should I?".

If you're single and you are ready to deal with the repercussions (i.e. you don't enjoy it; or, as you said, you like it and want to do it more) then find a safe situation with someone that you're comfortable with and give it a go.

But if you are in a relationship or you are not ready to deal with the fallout of giving your first blowjob, then you need to wait until your circumstances change. In the meantime, when you have those thoughts, there is plenty of opportunity to watch the porn that turns you on, jack off and "get clarity". That said, don't feel guilty about enjoying a fantasy that is very common and doesn't mean that you are gay.

 

[cali805]

Thank you for the lengthy response. I'm currently single and it's been a few years since I've had any sexual interaction with a woman. I'm wondering if any of these thoughts will go away once I have sex again, since it's almost a lack of confidence in my ability to have a relationship with a woman again. Despite all of these thoughts of giving a blowjob, I don't find myself wanting to be friends or have any sort of friendship/communication with whomever I decide to try these things with, which makes me feel even more guilty that I'm just using someone for sexual desires. It's all difficult to come to terms with since I'm 30, single and would like to meet a woman and start a family with her. These thoughts are kind of holding me back from what I want in a real relationship instead of these fantasies.

 

[KaraBulut]

Out of curiosity, do you have any the compulsive behaviors or intrusive thoughts? Or is the thoughts of sex with men the only recurrent pattern of unwanted thoughts?

 

[cali805]

Out of curiosity, do you have any the compulsive behaviors or intrusive thoughts? Or is the thoughts of sex with men the only recurrent pattern of unwanted thoughts?

I've always dealt with OCD pretty aggressively throughout my life and I've wondered if it's intrusive thoughts/obsessing over something out of boredom/curiosity more than actually being sexually attracted to men

 

[KaraBulut]

I've always dealt with OCD pretty aggressively throughout my life and I've wondered if it's intrusive thoughts/obsessing over something out of boredom/curiosity more than actually being sexually attracted to men

It can be both.

If you have OCD, you are more prone to obsessive and intrusive thoughts. There's an attraction to men but the way that it is manifesting in obsessive thoughts and compulsive behavior can be part of an OCD flare-up. You can break the pattern with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) but the attraction will still be there. The goal of CBT is to not get rid of the thought; the goal is to break the pattern that leads to the spiraling OCD behavior.

 

[TX-Beau]

Bluntly, straight guys don't have persistent "curiosities" about having sex with men.

It's fine to have curiosities about having sex with men.

Even if you never do. There's no need to feel guilty about fantasies, you've done nothing to be guilty about.

There's a debate about what bisexuality is, some say if you never act on it, you aren't bisexual, some say that you are bi if you have the desire. Whichever definition you use, it's OK, your life is yours and you get to decide.

So, here's the harder part. Guys who have ingrained negative attitudes about homosexuality find different ways to suppress or deny their own homosexual feelings. They can act out and become homophobes, or become self-destructive, or attempt to suppress their attractions in any number of ways. This is much more likely to be occurring if the guy is living in a homophobic environment.

Having feelings of unease over what you're fantasizing about is tied to how you were taught to view those activities. If you were taught that homosexual expression is wrong, or a sin, or perverse, all of that is going to take one down the path described above.

If that's part of your issues, trust me on this, it will fuck up all of your relationships sooner or later. Before you start involving other men, consider this carefully. No one wants a hook where the guy immediately freaks out as soon as he gets off, or panics, or any number of things that issue can inspire. A boner, like alcohol lowers inhibitions that come rushing back the moment you get off.

So, what to do, number one, let yourself have your fantasies, you aren't actually sucking a dick if there isn't one in your mouth. I'd suggest that you actually go through with it though, because you'll continue to overthink this until you do. Who knows, sex with a woman felt nice. I wasn't disgusted by the vag, but it just wasn't me. Sex with a man was fucking mind blowing. You may discover the opposite.