Confused, sad, lonely, and heartbroken... like it's a new topic.

[hunky69]

So this is going to be a long one. So about a year and a half ago, a good friend of mine (who had just come out about 6 months before that, and had hit on me a couple of times... I was "straight" at the time) and I were at a party at his house and were left alone at night in the hottub and started talking about life and his new (and first) boyfriend, etc. Anyway, so I had been tempted for a while to tell him that I thought I might be bi/gay/whatever (I still don't really know but don't care too much right now to label anything). Anyway so we talked for a while and finally decided to go to bed, he offered for me to sleep on the couch, but told him that i didn't mind sharing a bed (because I really kinda wanted to) so we talked a little bit more in bed and I ended up just brushing against his leg and turning instantly hard. So after that we started talking more and more over the next few weeks, and on our senior trip (we decided to room together) I first experimented with him. Anyway over the while I kept feeling guilty and stuff and would get confused because one day it would be women, the next men, but everytime i was with him I couldn't resist. So after a couple months of that I got over it and totally fell for him. We dated for a year until just recently when we both went to college. We are only 45 minutes away from eachother (not by plan per se) but he claimed that it was just too far away and that we needed to break up. At first I kept trying to make it work, then I just gave up and accepted he didn't have any feelings for me anymore. The problem is that each time I think I've gotten over him, something comes up that reminds me of what we had and it makes me miss it and him and it drives me crazy. And I try talking about it (as we are still trying to be as good of friends as we were... not too succcessfully I might add), but he just complains and says he doesn't want to talk about it and that he needs "space and time." The thing is that I really haven't been able to get over him. It's been at least 3 months since we broke up and I still think about him all the time, and all the times/places we'd done stuff at, and it just makes me miss him even more and want that back. I seriously just wish I could have him sleep next to me one more time, but then I realize that i can't and it just makes me even more sad. So then I decided I'd try and get involved with new people around campus, but it's been met with less than little success, and even so I'm still confused whether or not I want to go for a girlfriend or a boyfriend which makes me confused again and I go through my moodswings of guys one day and girls the other. I don't really expect any of you to have any advice, it's just nice to be able to vent. Oh, the other thing is that my friend/ex has been really depressed lately (before we broke up), part of which is because he's unsure of his college decision part of which he blames on me becuase he thinks he decided to go there because he'd be close to me and we could hang out and date and such. He says that he got angry with his decision and as a result tried to push me away so that he could prove to himself that that wasn't why he chose it. It's obvious to me that he needs time to work things out and stuff, and I know that it's silly for me to actually want to wait and hope that we can get back together, but right now I can't see myself with anybody else, and of course I get really jealous whenever he even talks about somebody who he thinks is cute and I'm always wondering if he's having sex with new people (which he says he isn't and I pretty much believe him, but still it's one of those things where I still feel like he's my boyfriend). Hmmmm, it's just hard for me to let go because he's still the only one that I feel comfortable with and I miss having that connection with someone, and I still feel like he has feelings for me, but he is too confused/messed up to say and it just makes me hope that we can get back together, even though my brain is telling me that we never will. It's all just very frustrating and hard and makes me want to just go back 8 months to when it was all perfect and I could hold him in bed. oh well. thanks for reading if you actually read this whole thing, which I doubt because i don't think I've even read this whole thing and I wrote it. Anyway thanks!

 

[jft245]

I know it sounds trite, but give him his space and let time work things out. Looking back to the time when I was your age, I would definitly want to pursue him and try to force him to want to be with you. But in life things dont work that way. It is better to try and stay friends and the only way to do that is to leave things alone. When you do talk to or see him, dont try to force the issue, just enjoy his company and talk about anything but the relationship. I would rather have a good friend for life then a short term relationship.

 

[trawler69]

Yep I've read every word and nothing I could say can solve the way you are feeling. I don't know your social situation but you could open yourself up to new friendships, not necessarily Gay ones, but you have to actively look rather than hope they wil come to you.

Don't give up on your friend, he obviously has some issues, I've no idea what they are. But let him know you are there for him while trying to get on with your life. Main thing is to do something positive for yourself to avoid sinking into a well of depression.

Sorry I can't help, it will get better in time and a positive attitude will shorten that time.

 

[Lefty]

hunky my young friend,

the harder you chase him the less likely your situation will ever get resolved.

maintain the friend part just back way off on the more intimate part. its understandable how you feel and there is a good chance he feels similarly but is feeling pressured and so is backing away and trying to build some buffer space.

if you never get back with him...you are young, he was your first (and that one is the hardest to release) what i'm telling you is only my opinion based on what has gone down in my life. i don't know all your details, just the basic backgroundand i can tell you that your current situation is one many of us have gone through (with some variation)

get out meet some people,you don't have to immediately dive into a relationship. make a friend or two, live a little. you don't have to live a drama 24/7 nor do you have to grab another lover right away. there a possibility that if he sees you don't have to possess/cling on him all the time that maybe he will look more favorably on what you had.

ok, enough big brother for now, you take care and i hope things turn around quickly for you. keep us apprised of how things are going and if you need to vent, were here

 

[VICTORIADON]

It has been 26-27 years since by first bf and I broke up after being together for a couple of years, your post reminded me of him. I can close my eyes and see him, smell him, everything, like yesterday. I am smiling as I type this, my point is you may never get over him, treasure all the good times you shared and move on when you are ready and for god sake don't do what I did for a few years and compare him to all the new people you will meet.
CyberHug to you.
And to Anthony Paul @@@@@@@@@, love you. You slipped back into my life again for a few minutes, thanks.

 

[Seasoned]

For your own safety, sanity and peace of mind you may have to give him up even as a friend. You'll always have the glow because of what he meant, but keep moving forward. You may need a bit of therapy, which I'd suggest anyway to sort out your bi-sexuality.

 

[eftergivende]

You're getting some good advice here. Your life, with or without him, is important, so live each day and be open to new things. Whatever comes about will, I hope, be good and fulfilling for you.

 

[wentworth]

Hunky, allow me to repost your story.
you should ask a moderator to edit your post for you:

So this is going to be a long one. So about a year and a half ago, a good friend of mine (who had just come out about 6 months before that, and had hit on me a couple of times... I was "straight" at the time) and I were at a party at his house and were left alone at night in the hottub and started talking about life and his new (and first) boyfriend, etc. Anyway, so I had been tempted for a while to tell him that I thought I might be bi/gay/whatever (I still don't really know but don't care too much right now to label anything). Anyway so we talked for a while and finally decided to go to bed, he offered for me to sleep on the couch, but told him that i didn't mind sharing a bed (because I really kinda wanted to) so we talked a little bit more in bed and I ended up just brushing against his leg and turning instantly hard.

So after that we started talking more and more over the next few weeks, and on our senior trip (we decided to room together) I first experimented with him. Anyway over the while I kept feeling guilty and stuff and would get confused because one day it would be women, the next men, but everytime i was with him I couldn't resist. So after a couple months of that I got over it and totally fell for him. We dated for a year until just recently when we both went to college. We are only 45 minutes away from eachother (not by plan per se) but he claimed that it was just too far away and that we needed to break up. At first I kept trying to make it work, then I just gave up and accepted he didn't have any feelings for me anymore.

The problem is that each time I think I've gotten over him, something comes up that reminds me of what we had and it makes me miss it and him and it drives me crazy. And I try talking about it (as we are still trying to be as good of friends as we were... not too succcessfully I might add), but he just complains and says he doesn't want to talk about it and that he needs "space and time." The thing is that I really haven't been able to get over him. It's been at least 3 months since we broke up and I still think about him all the time, and all the times/places we'd done stuff at, and it just makes me miss him even more and want that back.

I seriously just wish I could have him sleep next to me one more time, but then I realize that i can't and it just makes me even more sad. So then I decided I'd try and get involved with new people around campus, but it's been met with less than little success, and even so I'm still confused whether or not I want to go for a girlfriend or a boyfriend which makes me confused again and I go through my moodswings of guys one day and girls the other. I don't really expect any of you to have any advice, it's just nice to be able to vent. Oh, the other thing is that my friend/ex has been really depressed lately (before we broke up), part of which is because he's unsure of his college decision part of which he blames on me becuase he thinks he decided to go there because he'd be close to me and we could hang out and date and such. He says that he got angry with his decision and as a result tried to push me away so that he could prove to himself that that wasn't why he chose it.

It's obvious to me that he needs time to work things out and stuff, and I know that it's silly for me to actually want to wait and hope that we can get back together, but right now I can't see myself with anybody else, and of course I get really jealous whenever he even talks about somebody who he thinks is cute and I'm always wondering if he's having sex with new people (which he says he isn't and I pretty much believe him, but still it's one of those things where I still feel like he's my boyfriend). Hmmmm, it's just hard for me to let go because he's still the only one that I feel comfortable with and I miss having that connection with someone, and I still feel like he has feelings for me, but he is too confused/messed up to say and it just makes me hope that we can get back together, even though my brain is telling me that we never will. It's all just very frustrating and hard and makes me want to just go back 8 months to when it was all perfect and I could hold him in bed.

oh well. thanks for reading if you actually read this whole thing, which I doubt because i don't think I've even read this whole thing and I wrote it. Anyway thanks!

That should be easier to read.

 

[trawler69]

Hunky, allow me to repost your story.
you should ask a moderator to edit your post for you:



That should be easier to read.

I had no problem reading and understanding the original, and at first glance I can't see any difference between it and the new version, at least not in comprehensabilityand afew paragraph spacings. I'm sure you were trying to help but if it was mine I'd feel a bit insulted.

 

[hunky69]

no hard feelings. I've just never been to fond of paragraphs. They probably do help tho. Thanks for everybody's responses it's nice to hear from people. I'm gonna keep trying to maintain a friendship (although I don't really know how yet as we didn't become good friends until after we started having sex, but whatever I'll figure it out). Thanks for everybody's concern and I'll make sure to let you know how it's going.

 

[SilverRRCloud]

Hunky:

I am not sure this will help, but I have never gotten over any of my past bf and our partings. I guess, it was never meant to be that way. So, yeah, I still think about them practically every day. And I do feel sadness at times, too.

But I did move on. And so should you.

You did not do anything you should feel guilty about. But you might be ruining your future any your sanity. You deserve happiness but you must go out there and get it, too.

SC

 

[tallguy297]

G'day Hunky,

Mate...chances are you will have feelings for this guy for your whole life regardless of whether or not you remain friends... it seems we all have a place for the first person we truly felt open and honest with. And for us gay guys our first relationship with someone usually means the first chance we've had in our lifetimes to reveal ourselves without fear of being hurt because we are gay. It usually means that we feel a connection that we've never felt before...hence what you're feeling right now!

Cherish those feelings Hunky. They have taught you and will continue to teach you what you love, how you feel and what makes you happy. They will teach you caution and how to respect yourself and others. To have such a good relationship for as long as you did the first time round shows just how strong your values and trust are...be proud of that mate.

Friendships after relationships are hard. You will always see and feel things that make memories flood back..and with time they will change from hurting you to providing you comfort and happiness. But for now Hunky this is about you... do you want to genuinely remain friends here? A friend out of obligation is no real friend....are you doing this because you think you should or really want to? Unless its real it will fall apart anyway.

Let this guy have a place in your heart. Be grateful for what you had and what you learnt....but you deserve to find someone who can be open and caring for you...not someone who right now is fighting with his own feelings and troubles. By all means support your friend if you want but you deserve those feelings in return. Dont put your life on hold because he's had a change of heart...and dont let anyone ever blame you for their actions.

Good luck mate. Live your life to the full and let yourself move on....you deserve better.