Confused, Worried about coming out

[gayausdude]

Hi all

I have read alot of peoples "Coming out" success stories and I will have to admit, I'm a little inspired to do it myself, but I'm the kind that is too scared about what people will do and how they will react.
I will try to give a bit of a rundown on whats happened up till today, sorry if it makes for dry reading

Well, I guess it starts in my secondary years of school were I realised my eyes wouldnt follow girls around but instead guys. Being so far in the closet, I was simply convincing myself that time will cure this issue. I was just scared of what I didnt understand.
As the years progressed the issue didnt subside, if anything I noticed it getting worse, to the point where I noticed that some girls were attractive but even if they threw themselves onto me I wouldnt want them.
At this point I think I came to terms that this isnt going away and that I was gay
I have never been ashamed of who I am or how I think... ever, so I think that hurdle has been avoided.

I have got a close circle of friends, most of whom probably have suspicions that I'm gay, being that the Girlfriend phase sort of skiped me, hmm, but then some of them havent had GF's... coming out could reveal more than I'm bargaining for . I have 4 or 5 very close friends who I would like to tell, but Ill get to my issue with that down the page somewhere.



I guess Ill start with my family *shrugs* what better place to start than right at home
Wellllllll... My mother, She is an awsome mum, one that I would trade with nothing in the world, but it breaks my heart to constantly tell lies that I'm straight just to keep things how they are.
Im scared that telling her will change things or break her heart.... I dont think she will be the type to dissown me as she has had suspicions before (heavily related to the no GF topic) infact she has asked me once before, years ago... but then I was very young and scared of anyone knowing, ahhh how much I've grown up since then
anyway, telling her I dont think will be hard, I'm just scared to break her heart.

My sister
Well, she and I get along alot better now that she has moved out of home
EVERYTIME we see each other she drops the "sooo had a GF lately" to which I do the /ignore and walk away. So I'm guessing throwing the "I'm gay" one out there will make her sigh "finally"
So again, I'm not overly scared about doing that either.

My dad hmmm
Well he lives about 24 hours away from me by car, so whatever happens here doesnt really phase me alot but
Me and my dad were never close... at all, to the point where the last time I yelled at him, he moved away the next morning
This hurt me alot, even though we werent close, but the thought that you pushed your dad away so much that he moves away... kinda hurts
Hang on a minute, dont think he moved away from my doing.. him and mum were going through issues for about a year before that... I just tipped him over I think
anyway, his brother came out of the dark closet a few years ago, and I know that hurt dad deeply, but I think he has come to terms with that now
Telling my father either wont phase me, or wont happen in the near future, so... enough of him!

My uncle.
Well he came out a few years ago, and as much as it shocked me, and all my family, they were all pretty cool with it. Ive seen him once since he came out, and it hurts me to say but i felt uncomfortable around him, but I think that stems from my current closet status.
At least telling him wont be hard


Work...
Well I work with a very religious person (in the same room as me), and out of pure respect I will not be revealing anything to work for the near future. again, not an issue on my plate atm



Friends
Dont we have another topic to cover... this one will be hard

Ill start with who I would call my closest friend
He honnestly means the world to me, he is awsome, and we talk about anything... no secrets at all, well except you know what.
anyway, Our relationship is about the best it could be for friends, and Im happy with this, I dont want anything more out of the relationship... end of discussion
But the telling him part
What if I lost him as a friend
What if it changed our relationship for the worse, he becomes distant or somthing
Honnestly, if it means keeping him as my friend like he is atm... fuck coming out of this closet... the friendship means so much
but as you can probably understand, this lie isnt a small one, and it hurts every day to see his face and know that really I'm not telling him everything, infact it almost kills me to do it, but again I'm to scared of the outcome
what about all the what if's

My 2nd closest friend
He is the COOOLEST person Ive met
He is the kind that I would be very comfortable comming out to, well.... out of comparison to all my other friends.
I think he would take it well, but anything could happen.
My problem with this situation is, I OWE my best friend *points up* the honnor of knowing first, but if he rejected me, then I couldnt do it again, id just curl up in a ball and die
I want to tell this guy first, and hope he can offer support and help me tell my best friend

3rd closest friend
He isnt a friend, that simply doesnt cover it, He is the brother I never had.
Id trust him with anything i owned, and id do anything to get him out of trouble.... despite id do that for any of my mates
but this relationship feels more family than just friend
I would love to tell this guy, and I would hope he takes it well... but I just dont know....
I mean, surely he would understand, but yeah.. again, if he rejected me

4th closest friend
Hmm, well this guy ive known for the longest time, and he is a good friend... annoying as all hell, and some of my other friends dont like him, but he is one of those friends that you just cant turn away from.. he has been there
I need all 3 lifelines to guess this guys reaction though.... honnest.. I havent the faintest.



The coming out bit
Well....
/sigh
Why cant their be a manual for this? it would make it SO much easier
ok...
Well as you may have read, above.... I want either my best or 2nd best mate to find out first, but who?
I dont want to hurt either of them, or loose either of them... im at a loss
then my 3rd mate / brother
What do I do here? Id hate to loose the awsome friendship we have
my 4th mate
oh gosh, this is just sounding so hard to do... I dont wanna do it, pass?

What I was thinking is, Im not much of a talker, except to my 2 closest friends, so I want to write them a letter, and be there when they read it. that way I wont start sobboing, and they can read it all before they form an opinion.
Is this unreasonable?
I would never do it via text or email... but Im scared to talk about it atm

Secondly, if one rejects me for who I am, I would only hope they keep what they know to themselves . this I want done right, and with me in control... I hate rumors
what should I do in this department?

I want my friends to know before my mother and sister, is this wrong too?
I think I just want my friends shoulders to cry on if anything goes bad.

Guys any tips or pointers would be welcomed with open arms.

Oh and, if any straight guy reads this... put up a thread of your own, talking about what you would do if you found out your best friend was gay!!!!
You know how much easier that would be for all of us, we only see our side of the situation... I want to hear it from the straight guys perspective

Im just so scared that Im going to loose people that I care about

 

[G-Lexington]

Welcome to JUB!

First off, it's interesting that you ask for a straight guy's perspective. I do think whatever response you get here will be skewed. I mean, they're on a gay website, so you know they're all at least KIND of OK with it all. But it'd be cool to hear any "my friend came out to me" stories from them as well.

As far as rumors go, just keep in mind that rumors are about negative things. People don't whisper things like, "Did you hear about Eric? I heard he volunteers at the animal shelter." If you present your homosexuality as a negative thing, and as a terrible secret ("No one must know"), then that's how it will be treated. And that's most likely going to result in rumors being whispered around.

Best advice - own it. Don't drive your friends and family one by one to the middle of nowhere, look around furtively, and whisper "I'm G-A-Y" while sweating buckets. Tell them matter-of-factly. "I've never actually told everybody this, and I think it's time I stopped living the lie. I'm gay." You don't have to do this in an auditorium or anything, but do try to keep it casual. If you treat it like it's not that big of a deal, it's more likely that they will too.

Telling your friends before family? Sure. Telling people becomes a lot easier as you do it more (and as you get positive reactions to it). So feel free to tell whoever you feel the most comfortable with, and whoever you feel will be most supportive. Do keep in mind that you'll probably have to answer questions, and some of the questions may border on the absurd ("Are you the boy or girl in the relationship?" is a favorite). Try not to get touchy or angry - they're curious, they want to know, and they're not pushing you away, so that's all good. You've had years to get used to you being gay - they've had, oh, ten seconds. After each one, thank them for listening, and tell them you're in process of telling everyone, and you'd prefer it if YOU were the one doing the telling. Saying this is much better than saying "Don't tell ANYONE I told you."

Which friend do you tell first? It doesn't matter. If you got a big piece of news, and friend #3 happened to be right there, you'd probably tell him first. That doesn't mean the other two friends don't count - it's just how things worked out. And coming out isn't about THEM. It's about YOU. It's about getting you to a more comfortable place. If any of them throw hissy fits about "why'd you tell him before me", they're obviously not taking this the right way.

Best of luck to you!

Lex

 

[gayausdude]

Thanks for the quick reply G-Lexington and the welcome to JUB, its a relief to be here

I would love to answer any and all questions from my friends, even the weird ones... my issues isnt located there but just the inital coming out part.

I would love to see the straight guys perspective... wouldnt we all, it would make things alot easier to know how their head works in a situation like that.

rumors might have been the wrong word... i just want to be the one telling people, its my secret, and its my responsibility to own up to it.

I dont want it to be a secret they have to keep forever... just one they keep until ive told others

you say own the situation, dont tell them 1 by 1... this is hard for me, im to shy to just stand somewhere and go, hey btw im gay... thats just not me

Its a huge relief to get things like this off your chest though... i thank anyone who reads this thread for their time

 

[G-Lexington]

>>>you say own the situation, dont tell them 1 by 1...

That's not what I meant, really. Do tell them one by one if that's how you feel the most comfortable doing it. In fact, I'd encourage that. Coming out doesn't mean jumping on the soapbox and making a public announcement. It simply means not living the lie anymore. Telling people one by one shows that you've thought about each of them, thought about how they'd react, and care enough to tell them direct.

I just think the people you tell will reflect your attitude towards the whole deal. If you treat your homosexuality like a deep dark secret that "none must know", then they'll pick up on that. But if you tell them each more frankly, more matter-of-factly, then they'll be more likely to respond the same way. This isn't your "secret" - it's your sexuality.

Lex

 

[WYSIWYG]

Firstly, your too wrapped up in what others might say or think of you and if you will lose this person or that person, or friend #1, #2, or #3.

Secondly, if they are truly your friends, they might be taken aback for a bit, but will still be your friends after you give them the news. Just because your sexual orientation has changed, it has NOT changed YOU as a person or a friend!

Lifelines are those that you yourself have created, it is sort of like making an excuse for not following through so YOU can be HAPPY! During your life you will gain and lose many friends.

There is only ONE YOU, there is no other. You have worth and value to give, share, and experience all your life. Lying to them and yourself, will not make you happy. It will effect everything you do or say. Being afraid to come out and not being the real you will affect you also. How your affected, will be determined by what you do or do not do. It is harder to be something your not than to be yourself.

When my bf and I first met, he said that he as not out to his family. I told him that was not good. Over time, (during the past year), we decided it was time to come out to the family. We decided that they could accept us or not! Guess what? Everyone has accepted our relationship and they now call and ask how both of us are doing.

Life is to short to not be who you are and share yourself with others. Trust me, I know this. I was so deep in the closet and denied who I was for so long, I almost was unable to get out. I then found this wonderful human being, a wonderful man that loves me, and I am a better human being for it!

Life is about choices and that leads us down different roads than we thought, but that is not to say it isn't a good thing........

Oh welcome to JUB mate!

 

[seveninchdong]

Hi all



I have got a close circle of friends, most of whom probably have suspicions that I'm gay, being that the Girlfriend phase sort of skiped me, hmm, but then some of them havent had GF's... coming out could reveal more than I'm bargaining for . I have 4 or 5 very close friends who I would like to tell, but Ill get to my issue with that down the page somewhere.



(...)

Im just so scared that Im going to loose people that I care about

Dude,

Congrats first of all for putting the ball in motion to finally work up the courage to come out. I came out to all the fraternity brothers on my facebook this weekend (some 150+ contacts). So far, I have had 35+ responses, all positive! I advise coming out to your friends first. That way, if coming out to your family goes awry, you have a safety net to fall back on. Don't feel hesistant to do this: that's what true friends do for each other.

I realize that some may have a bit of an adjustment phase, but if they know you're a great guy, I predict a mostly positive experience insofar as your friends go!

Best of luck to you, and keep us posted!

 

[gayausdude]

Well guys
I did it. I told friend number 2 last night / this morning

He took it exactly how you would want a friend to take it. Im so relieved now.
Like I said in my orgional post, I couldnt do it verbally, but I typed up a letter.
He said he prefered it that way, because in person he would have been partially speachless or not no what to say

I thank you all for your support.
Now I've got to move onto the rest of my friends, then family... oh boy
But, its easier knowing he knows now.... so I think I have a new found strength.

Cheers

 

[G-Lexington]

The first one's the toughest. It gets easier from here on out. Congratulations on getting the first one done, and best of luck on the others!

And although it might be a bit premature...welcome to the other side.

Lex

 

[Eagle653]

Well guys
I did it. I told friend number 2 last night / this morning

He took it exactly how you would want a friend to take it. Im so relieved now.
Like I said in my orgional post, I couldnt do it verbally, but I typed up a letter.
He said he prefered it that way, because in person he would have been partially speachless or not no what to say

I thank you all for your support.
Now I've got to move onto the rest of my friends, then family... oh boy
But, its easier knowing he knows now.... so I think I have a new found strength.

Cheers

This is great news and it's made my day!

Congratulations!

All the best to you and keep us informed on how it's going.


:thewave:

 

[SL1986]

that's awesome! Good to hear. I wish I have your courage.

 

[gayausdude]

Haha thanks guys.
It wouldnt have been as easy if my friend didnt have what he claims as a "comfortable with his sexuality button"
oh he is such a dag

I am going to try and tell my best friend in the next week or 2 but the guy who knows said... he has had an "inkling".....his word not mine
and in my heart I know my best friend will accept it, but its all the what if's that keep me worried.

I can now see the benifits of telling someone. no longer do I have to pretend and crosscheck every word I say or type for the gay factor. it can be 100% me talking to him now, and I LOVE it

Thanks again guys... your all awsome

 

[terrorblade]

Good luck with all your friends! I should probably follow your example as well and start telling all my friends

 

[gayausdude]

Well I told my best friend and he took it so well

I wrote a letter, which I spent a while writing, I pored a fair bit of my heart into it. and shed many tears whilst doing it.
It was so dificult to send it to him, but when he read it he kinda knew all along.
He even said he woulda given me a hug if i was with him, he said he could tell there was alot of emotion in the letter he knows me too well

Its been a good week or 2 and nothing at all has changed with our friendship, and its awsome.
No longer do I have to be careful when its just me and him. I can be 100% myself.
But I think its more than that. Its the fact that he knows Im gay, and yet simple things like reaching past me to get somthing or me getting a knife and fork for him if we get lunch.... doesnt bother him.
Its like I had some expectation that him knowing that I am gay would introduce a void of some kind into our friendship, infact I kind of expected it. But it hasnt, and that alone is worth comming out for.

Its so hard to explain without getting mushy, or making it sound like more than a friendship....
All I know is, now when I see him, my mind doesnt race with thoughts of how to "act" straight. Its so cooooooool

Friend 3 will be a complicated one. I get the feeling that will actually be the toughest one yet.




The other problem I have now is.
My sister and her fieonce have annouced when they are getting married (next year in march) and I feel I owe at least telling my sister, her fieonce and my mother, as this will be the only wedding for our family.
Is it wrong not to tell them. Id really like to, but well you know, these things are hard.

 

[G-Lexington]

That's precisely what coming out is supposed to do, GAD. Liberate you. So you don't have to worry about "letting something slip" or "appearing too gay". You can just be you.

As far your family goes, that's up to you. I'd say the wedding is pretty much a non-issue - don't let that set your timeline any. If you feel up to telling them, sure, go ahead. But if you want to work up the nerve a bit, that's fine as well.

Lex

 

[tallguy297]

Hey GAD,

Congratulations mate!!!! It sounds like you've got a great head on your shoulders... and some great mates too. Its bloody awesome to see you feel free so that now you can be the real you instead of hiding that one part... its incredible how when we let go of the fear how good it feels.

And I have a feeling that your family will be ok too... theres a fair bit of history there by the looks and I suspect that your mum and sister have a fair idea. You should be proud of your values and beliefs too GAD... your desire to be honest and open with your family is as much about them as it is you, and it says a lot about you and how you treat others. Its why your friends reacted so well, and why your family will too I bet.

Do it when you're ready... theres no right or wrong time... but dont put it off waiting for the perfect time because it will never come... there will always be a reason not too. But the reason to do it... your happiness and freedom will always be more important. Dont forget that this is something that will let you move forward and get on with your life without feeling the need to constantly keep yourself in check. So its worth taking a chance whenever you feel up to it.

I have a feeling though mate that it will all be good... and thats a testament to you.

 

[Mitsukuni]

Hey GAD
Congratulations on coming out. I'm still in the process myself. I have been thinking and over thinking too much about it. It's driving me crazy. I think writing a letter was a great idea, I'd probably do the same thing, since I get choked up about things.

I too have a few friends that well we get together pretty much every week and go out and have a few drinks and what not.

Interesting enough I found out the other day that one of my brothers friend is gay. I somewhat thought he was but wasn't sure about it. All of us get together at their house to play WoW and the other day the straight brother outed his brother. He was very nonchalant about it and well now I'm hoping he'll have the same reaction.

I've been thinking about writing to his brother and see how things go from there on. I knew that he kept a LJ and from the day I foung out he was gay I found his LJ and have been reading his blogs.

Sorry for the long post.

 

[Deccus]

From my past experiance on coming out friends are always the easyiest. Your friends are better understanding then parents are in my opinion. The fear i had with telling my parents is breaking their hearts. I know they would accept it with a big hug, but they would never let them selves down because they think that THEY did something wrong. Or my dad did something wrong. In the end they end up blaming them selves. Which it is clearly isnt their fault.

Well from the look of things its all down hill for you. I think maybe you should start with your sister.

Well, im glad its all working out for you it only gets better. good luck

 

[gayausdude]

Well guys, Im back, with my usual questions.

But before the boring stuff. You guys are just magical.
The help and support here is priceless.
I wish I had other places to go so I wasnt boring you all with my problems, but I have no other gay friends, and because of my closet status, I cant really go finding any. Im alone in this and you guys are my everything thank you all

Im up to telling a 3rd friend. This one I didnt speak about in my first post because, without sounding silly, he is going through Year 12 (in australia thats the final year). and I didnt really plan on telling him, dont really want to give him more to think about during the final year.
But Ive spoke to my 2 best friends and they seem to think he should take it alright.

I get along with this guy so well. He is the sorta dude that makes you smile when your down, just by seeing him.
He is my gym buddy, and I wanted to tell him before we started gym, thinking he might not wanna go with me, but that never happened.
He is an all round good kid, and Id hate to hurt him.


Anyways.
I want to tell this dude in person, but I dont know how to tackle this.
Friend number 2 (points to OP) said he would be happy to be with me when I do it, and I think I will welcome him on this offer. him and my unknowing friend are best buddies, so that will help too I hope.
But, I just dont think I can talk about it. so, Im calling on my old friend the letter

How can I do this, where should I do this? we sorta dont hang out much besides gym or with all our friends, so i dont have a good time alone with him, where I can give him the letter.
also, do you think its cowardly of me if I walked away a bit, whilst he read it? I just dont think I could sit there and wait whilst he read it. Id be a wreck.

We live on a main river in Australia, and there is a nice park on the edge of the river, id like to go there to let him read it, that sound unreasonable?
I just dont wanna take him somewhere and then him reject my sexuality and have no way to get home.



Im sorry if this is getting tiresome, but I really need your opinions. I want to do it sometime this week. I dont know why, but I like setting myself some goals, it makes it easier to get done.

1 more friend, mum, my boss, then i dont really care who finds out. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel, but its very faint