confused

[tempest86]

So a long story short, i recently decided i was tired of hiding and set in motion my plan to start embracing the fact im gay and met a guy online who turned out to be very interesting... but let me back track and make the short story long...

im 24 and up until a few months ago ive never done anything with a guy. Ive made multiple attempts at having a relationship with a woman and even had sex with a female in order to satisfy my need to fit in and be a part of rest of the world. I have a really close best friend whom i think is gay (ive even been questioned on his sexuality by his mom to which i shut her down and told her that was not for me to discuss and that she has a great son none the less) and i would take a bullet for this guy and vice-versa. Anywho, we had a party at my place and we got kinda trashed and ended up sharing my bed where I awoke to us cuddled together hand over hand and for the first time in my life i felt happy and content and i realized this is what i wanted and i needed to stop hiding. Knowing i couldnt out myself to him or risk our friendship by outing him/questioning him i just took to the internet and ended up having a date last night with a guy and we hit it off and talked and had a good time and even ended up getting close in my truck despite me saying i wasnt ready for anything more than a friendship.
To sum up what happened i kept thinking of my best friend while i was "with him" and despite not having any type of relationship in any sense of the word with my best friend, i felt like i was cheating on him and i disgusted myself. I know ive fallen for my friend and i would give anything to make it work but thats not healthy and this date was my avenue out and well..it didnt work...
My problem is that now i feel stuck... on one hand i have my pseudo-hetero life with my many failed hollow relationships and lonliness and on the other hand i have my hidden gay life where i disgust myself with being with guys (not just envisioning the partner as being someone else). In either case i cant commit to a relationship whether it be because im pressured to do something based on it being the norm or because im not out and live a secret life; i just end up hurting the person im with and its not fair to them.

I feel like im damaged goods and i dont have a receipt to get a working life; Before anyone thinks that im suicidal i realize suicide isnt the answer but i also realize i cant go on living the way i am now. I guess im looking for some advice or an "ive been there" perspective. To add a little humor though, the one person that knows im gay doesnt talk to me anymore and her last words to me: "you are so far in the closet, you may as well be in narnia" which actually makes me laugh because she was always so damn funny and i can own up and laugh at myself for that because its so damn true...lol

Well.. theres my situation in a nutshell. The lonely life of a closet case haha... Thoughts are welcome whether good or bad, you wont offend me but ill be out laying on a picnic table watching the stars since i cant sleep.

Thanks for listening,
Tempest

 

[hylas]

Knowing i couldnt out myself to him

um... why not? it seems like the solution is right in front of you... youre into that guy, and from what you know, hes probably gay, and hes probably into you, too. so why not just go for it?

good luck, with him and the rest of your coming out.

 

[Lube]

Is there religion or something preventing from coming out? But then his mother seems so accepting. And your other friend, she seems much more ok with you being gay than you do.

We've all been where you are. And most would argue that the drama of coming out is mostly in your head, as your female friend said.

What is really keeping you in the closet?

 

[TX-Beau]

It's all so very. very. very. difficult. Until you do it.

The longer you wait, the harder it gets. If you think that he might be gay, perhaps the best thing you can do for him is to come out. Don't tell him you like him, don't make it about him, just say

"...you know how I suck with women, well that's because I figured out I was gay. Thank god, I can stop sucking with women now..."

That's all you have to do. After I told the first friend I was gay, I was planing on waiting for awhile before going further, it was so damn liberating, I'd told everyone I knew within the next two weeks, including my family.

Not everyone was thrilled, but you know what, by that point I could give a shit about people who don't like it.

It's your life, the terms of it are set by you, don't you deserve all the prerogatives straight people take so much for granted that they don't even notice them? Doesn't it piss you off that you didn't get the kind of opportunity they don't ever realize they have? Aren't you fucking tired of playing the hater's closet game and being punished for their ignorance? Aren't you tired of that glass wall between you and everything you want?

Fuck yeah you are. Use that emotion. You deserve to be out, you deserve an honest life, you aren't going to let them force you into the shadows.

And if they don't like it, FUCK them.

You are the only person you have to convince.

 

[tempest86]

his mother is far from accepting, shes rather religious and her attempts to find out about him are to push him with a woman that used to work with us but hes told me he just wants her as his friend and nothing more.
As far as whats keeping me from coming out? Blind fear; Fear of the uncertain. My...visible... life is finally stable. I have a decent roommate finally, a great job, and bought a new vehicle. Im just scared that adding drama into the mix right now may cause the whole house to come down like a mobile home in a tornado. You can also argue that it may just strengthen the walls but im not sure if that risk is worth taking right now.

more or less im just wanting to dump whats on my mind and have someone listen to my problems at the moment. The roles are normally reversed for me since i rarely talk about myself or push my views on others im found to be a very good listener and most if not all my friends at one point have sat down with me and we have done the therapist route.

but the use emotion to come out thing reminded me of a quote from xmen 2...had to look it up:

Nightcrawler: You know, outside the circus, most people were afraid of me. But I didn't hate them. I pitied them. Do you know why? Because most people will never know anything beyond what they see with their own two eyes.

 

[Croynan]

t

what about seeking some serious therapy through your university's counseling programme - - they can refer you to someone professional.?



eM.

 

[KaraBulut]

There's a lot of guys like you who aren't sure exactly what "coming out" will mean.

There's this notion that it's an all or nothing- either you're a miserable closet case or you're rainbow-glitter-fabulous.

The truth is that the majority of gay people are boring. Just ordinary. They work, they pay taxes and quite a few of them live the same fairly mundane lives that their straight counterparts do.

The only thing unique about it is that they don't lie, they don't change genders and they can have healthy, honest relationships with the important people in their lives.

So, if you want to come out, just stop lying to yourself and stop lying to the people who matter in your life.

Now that you're done lying to yourself, maybe the next person that you need to be honest with is your friend.

Tell him that you're gay and tell him that you've been really struggling over it. Don't have any expectations about your friend- if he's ready, he'll come out to you. If he's not, then you can be the supportive friend that you didn't have when you were going through all of this.

 

[swerve]

more or less im just wanting to dump whats on my mind and have someone listen to my problems at the moment. The roles are normally reversed for me since i rarely talk about myself or push my views on others im found to be a very good listener and most if not all my friends at one point have sat down with me and we have done the therapist route.

Actually -- you've picked the PERFECT place voice what's been on your mind...

And its quite possible that someone here may have been in a similar situation...

I can't offer MUCH help -- other than I think that you should broach the subject with your best friend...

Make it a hypothetical, if that would help -- something like: "wouldn't it be great if we could be couple -- just you and me taking on the world together" -- or, if that's too corny "I wish I could spend the rest of my life with someone EXACTLY like youl" -- just in a goofing around manner...

That way, you're not COMMITTED into coming out to him, just testing the waters...

OK -- Like I said, I'm not much help...

I LOVE the fact that you like to lie on the picnic table and watch the stars -- its one of my favorite things to do!!!

WELCOME TO JUB!!!

And BEST of LUCK!!!

*and keep us posted*

 

[Lube]

So there's nothing really stopping you other than fear.

You're financially independent, living away from family, completely independent.

That's great! It also means it's the perfect time to come out.

There's always the potential for something to go wrong. Don't use that as a crutch. You're too mature for that.

 

[tempest86]

made a hypothetical situation to him about how he'd react if one of his family members said they were gay... well his response was less than ideal and more or less a stab in the heart. Used some derogatory terms in a semi-joking manner but none the lessi i just shrugged it off as if i didnt care but it did hurt because if its true then when i go tell him im gay then our friendship will most likely be over. It is what it is i suppose and i guess you can really say you have a best friend when they dont know who you truely are.

 

[Lube]

made a hypothetical situation to him about how he'd react if one of his family members said they were gay... well his response was less than ideal and more or less a stab in the heart. Used some derogatory terms in a semi-joking manner but none the lessi i just shrugged it off as if i didnt care but it did hurt because if its true then when i go tell him im gay then our friendship will most likely be over. It is what it is i suppose and i guess you can really say you have a best friend when they dont know who you truely are.

Many--but by no means all--people act differently when they find out someone they love is gay. Hypotheticals like that don't mean much--you just put him on the spot. What did you expect him to say? Did you tell him how you'd feel, first?

Don't overanalyze! You'll probably be fine. Or you'll lose a friend in name only, and you'll have that much more time to find real friends as an out, gay, proud man.

 

[KaraBulut]

...when i go tell him im gay then our friendship will most likely be over. It is what it is i suppose and i guess you can really say you have a best friend when they dont know who you truely are.

Friendships often get put on the crucible. The good ones survive and end up stronger. The crappy ones fizzle and end.

You won't be able to postpone the inevitable with this friend. Eventually, he's going to know- assuming that you are ready to end your time in the closet and all the games that come with being in the closet.

Your friend has his own issues. He has to work through them at his own pace and on his own timeline. He may freak out at first but given the evidence, he may have his own reasons for freaking out.

But his issues aren't your issues. And you can only be a friend to him when he is ready to come clean. In the meantime, this is about you and your journey.

 

[tempest86]

he sent me a text that he wanted to grab drinks since he was bored so i agreed and said id meet him at a bar when i got off work. so after a few drinks i bit the bullet and told him that i was gay and i was tired of hiding since it was beginning to destroy me. He thought it was a joke at first but slowly he realized i was serious and the look on his face was like i punched him in the stomach. He left his drink on the counter and turned and left. I hope in time things will get better but i havent made any attempts to text or call him, i figure its best to let him be. So after an hour of staring at the tv i left the bar and headed home only to get distracted and not pay attention to the speed limit sign and got pulled over for speeding....heh... Double owned!

I think ill just be happy if he keeps this to himself and lets me address it on my own time...which seeing our past i dont think i have much to worry about but it still lingers in my mind... I guess even if my current social life came crashing down like broken glass ill just get the broom and rebuild. None the less, its going to hurt like none other...

 

[joeG23]

You have done the right thing. And you are right to wait too. If he is gay, he'll be trying to deal with that as well as your news and the consequences for him. You need to decide what's more important for you - friendship with him or a sexual relationship. I suspect it's friendship. Let him know how important his friendship is to you. If things develop - good, if they don't he was not the friend you thought he was. Now you have started your journey, stay open and do not disguise your sexuality. It's time to stop hiding. Well done for taking the first decisive step.

 

[KaraBulut]

... the look on his face was like i punched him in the stomach. He left his drink on the counter and turned and left. I hope in time things will get better but i havent made any attempts to text or call him, i figure its best to let him be.

He's running away from the truth. But it is the truth about you or the truth about him? Hmmm.

... I guess even if my current social life came crashing down like broken glass ill just get the broom and rebuild. None the less, its going to hurt like none other...

Read your original post. You're not happy with your current double life and really unhappy about not being honest. It's time that you started to build a life with friends and people around you who accept you as your are. But the first step to that is being who you are and not lying or pretending or being ashamed.

And your friend could learn from that.

 

[Lube]

^What Kara said, so eloquently.

It will hurt in the short term--a lot--but he will either get over it and accept himself as well as you, or you will be on a journey to find new, real friends who love for who you are.

I know it's probably very rough for you right now, but you really did the right thing.

 

[swerve]

WOW...

Sorry that the FIRST person you came out to took it so HORRIBLY...

BUT -- I'm PROUD of you for making the first step...

Oh -- and sorry about the speeding ticket too -- YIGHTZ!!!

Kind of made for a BAD night...

Things can ONLY GET BETTER from here...

 

[tempest86]

well good news is he drove over to my place and when i opened the door he gave me a hug and apologized and said it was alot for him to take in but he realized it was a foolish thing to do considering all we have been through. Told me theres nothing that could make him think different of me, unless he wasnt the first one i told... we had a good laugh and went and got some breakfast.
Well for the day or so of thinking i lost a best friend, i may have just made a best friend for life.
The weird part is now that he knows.... most of the feelings i had for him seem to have evaporated which im thankful for because id much rather have a long friendship than a possible short relationship.

Too bad the cop that gave me the speeding ticket doesnt come back, give me a hug, and the ticket disappears now...lol

 

[altlover85]

The weird part is now that he knows.... most of the feelings i had for him seem to have evaporated which im thankful for because id much rather have a long friendship than a possible short relationship.

I think this part is so important for others to read.

Too bad the cop that gave me the speeding ticket doesnt come back, give me a hug, and the ticket disappears now...lol

Haha! That would be funny.

 

[Lube]

well good news is he drove over to my place and when i opened the door he gave me a hug and apologized and said it was alot for him to take in but he realized it was a foolish thing to do considering all we have been through. Told me theres nothing that could make him think different of me, unless he wasnt the first one i told... we had a good laugh and went and got some breakfast.
Well for the day or so of thinking i lost a best friend, i may have just made a best friend for life.
The weird part is now that he knows.... most of the feelings i had for him seem to have evaporated which im thankful for because id much rather have a long friendship than a possible short relationship.

Too bad the cop that gave me the speeding ticket doesnt come back, give me a hug, and the ticket disappears now...lol

Especially if he's cute.

Good for you--and your best friend!