Confused

[alwayshope11]

It seems like everyone on here is incredibly helpful, so I thought I would post a little bit of my story. For a long time, I have had sexual attractions towards men, but always tucked them away and didn't give them a second thought other than looking at porn, etc. I lived my life the best I could, had a few girlfriends and never really felt gay. About a year and a half ago, I began a serious relationship with a girl. She became my best friend and I love her, but the same sex attractions became too much to ignore, so we recently broke up. I'm confused because, even though I have these same sex attractions, I have never seen myself as emotionally attracted to other men. I'm not sure if this is because I never gave being gay any thought or because I'm interpreting my sexual feelings wrong. I do love my ex-girlfriend, but there were issues in the bedroom and I couldn't keep the sexual attractions towards men away. I've recently begun therapy and am starting to cope with the fact that I may be gay, but the fact that I am having trouble seeing myself emotionally involved/romantically involved with other men seems to make me even more confused. Sometimes I would tell myself I just have homosexual anxiety or a porn addiction, but I know I just need to take the time to find the truth. Does anyone have a similar story? Thanks so much!

 

[HunterM]

I was like that years ago. My thinking was love then sex with all of my ex girlfriends. Then I wanted to explore sex with men. I had sex with men that I was attracted to. Love didn't even come into the picture. A couple of them are now my fuck buddies. None of us want an emotional long term relationship with each other. We always have fun when we hook up though. It's like a guys' night out. It's like a contact sport

My advice is to explore your sexuality and hook up with another man. Always play safe though. If you don't like it, don't continue. At least you'll find out what you like and what you don't like. That's all.

 

[Seasoned]

The lack of emotional attraction to men could be, in my opinion, a defense mechanism so as not to admit you are gay or bi. When I was dealing with my sexual orientation issues I was married and in love with my wife, or at least thought so. Eventually I began having sex with men which were mostly anonymous quickies. After awhile I wanted more, but didn't know if it were possible. It was the 1970s and the gay sex I was exposed to was a free for all. The guys I was running into were sex hounds only. The idea of same sex marriage was generally laughed at as mimicking straights.

Times have changed, but it's possible to have built in barriers which may be natural to us or that artificially "protect" us due to internalized homophobia. It's certainly worth exploring with your therapist.

Best wishes and welcome to JUB and this forum.

 

[alwayshope11]

Thanks for the welcome! I think a lot of it may have to do with me never allowing myself to think I was gay before/never opening myself up to the possibility and thinking about what that entails. I did do things with a guy once, and I don't remember exactly how I felt after, but I don't think I liked it at the time...but I think that was because I was so nervous/anxious/and worried about liking it and what that would mean. The idea of an emotional/romantic relationship with a guy is very new to me, so we will see what happens. I know these feelings are definitely not a choice, I'm just worried I may be interpreting my feelings wrong and that I may actually love my ex-girlfriend and should be with her...even though I know I have to be true to myself and that love is probably more of a friend love.

Thanks!

 

[Blueboy369]

We are not labels, we are people. Sometimes you feel attracted to guys and maybe one day you may act on it. You shouldn't feel obligated to pick a side or label yourself. Just do what you want to do and don't over think it.

 

[oakpope]

Your fears are perfectly natural. The label people use to ease the work of our brains can be very misleading and cause psychological issues.

Only you can tell what you really feel. I see sexual attraction and desire of long term relation as percentage or shades. Straight, bi, gay, they are labels maybe too strict for you.

Don't think on these terms. Don't be ashamed of what you feel. Was your relation with your ex GF satisfying for you i both sentimental and sexual levels ? Are you fantasizing only with having sex with guys or also with girls ?

When someone has been educated in the classical way, it's comfortable to think of himself married to a wife, with kids, pets and a great house. And when that "dream" that society has imposed upon you doesn't correspond with what you discover are your own desires, it is hard to accept.

It takes times to reconcile all of this. Try not to judge yourself, don't label things as "good" or "bad" as viewed by others, but by hearing your own voice, your conscience.

It may be you will only be satisfied with a ltr with a girl but dreaming about sex with guys. If that's the case, the best is to talk to that girl and sort out it with her.

It may be you're bisexual and you'll have to experienced things first hand yourself what fulfill you the best, and it very be a case of the good people at the good time, whether with a girl or a guy. Doesn't really matter.

It may be that you're more gay that you thought and that you repressed that idea in some ways. If that's the case, again, try to experiment with as open a mind as possible. The world, your world, will not crumble because you're gay.
You will keep being the marvelous young man that you are.
Confusing is normal, but don't be stuck in it. Accept that you're searching to know you better, it's very healthy to search yourself. What would not be healthy would be to be afraid, to force you to be something you're not.

I wish you a fulfilling search in what you are, of what you need, and don't hesitate a second to post here, even if only to give us news about your life

Take care !

 

[Benvolio]

I suggest you rent a lesbian video (no men) and a gay one ( no girls). How you react to them should help you resolve your questions.

 

[Eagle653]

Yes, I have somewhat a similar story, and I suspect many men reading this thread do. Like you, I initially thought that, while I had sexual attractions toward men, I did not have emotional attractions, and that it was some kind of quirky sexual thing. I had only really loved women, so I thought (perhaps wishfully so) that's what I should do. The thing is, you have the capability to love those to whom you're sexually attracted. I didn't know that, nor get it. Then, I found a man whom I fell deeply in love with and it was amazing, to me, to be emotionally in love and sexually attracted to the same person. It was exciting, but confusing. That's when I really came out to myself and accepted myself as gay. That was a long and difficult process for me, and it's still going on. But, I think I'm much happier being consistent with my love and attractions. Good luck to you. You're much further along with your self-awareness than I was. I wish you well and hope you find the man of your dreams.

 

[alwayshope11]

Thanks for the responses so far.. it is nice to know there are people who get what I am going through. Sometimes I feel like I should have all of this figured out already and that scares me even though I know I'm young. I just have spent so much time only thinking about being gay while watching porn, etc. that sometimes I feel I "brainwashed" myself, but I'm starting to realize that is silly.
As far as my relationship with my ex, it was good but there were problems sexually and that made me self-conscious and she thought it was her fault, and I constantly had to re-assure her that I was just nervous, etc. when in reality I just had all of this nagging at me. I just didn't want to keep going with her, because we had started talking about marriage, etc. and I didn't think it was fair to her or I to get married when I'm not sure of my sexuality. She keeps telling me we didn't fall in love bcause of sex (I told her I'm questioning) but she just doesn't understand what I'm going through and thinks I am choosing this. If anyone has more similar stories they could share about the emotional aspect that would be wonderful.

 

[fluxflux]

I'm confused because, even though I have these same sex attractions, I have never seen myself as emotionally attracted to other men.

How can you be "emotionally" attracted to men if you haven't given yourself the opportunity. The only way to find out it to start experimenting with guys. Just do whatever you are comfortable with. Good luck

 

[KaraBulut]

This is a pretty common scenario.

Most of us grow up in homes where there is a man and a woman. We see our friends marry and have children. We see lots of movies and other examples of a man and a woman falling in love and making commitments to each other.

We don't have those same examples for gay relationships. At least not many.

So, when you've grown up thinking that you were going to meet a girl, fall in love, get married and start a family, it's very difficult to rethink all of that when it's a man that you're attracted to.

For many men, it isn't until later when they get to know gay couples that they rethink this. Or it may be that you find the right guy and you begin to see a future with him- and that makes you rethink the idea of being emotionally attracted to a man.