Could you forgive?

[secondmonkey]

For some reason my friendship with my best friend for my entire life ended very badly a few years ago. He went to college and joined a fraternity, which was basically like joining a cult. 6 years later all he has to show for it is a crappy assembly line job and an arrest record. I could go on all day about that.

He was the closest thing I ever had to a brother. We were friends since before I can remember. We were family, as far as I was concerned. Then he started lying to me, stealing from me, and generally treating me like garbage, when I was in a real time of need. He used me, abused me, and left me for dead. Nothing has ever hurt me more, and I've been shot with a .45 at close range.

I think about him pretty much every day. I get really pissed off about how he treated me. And I get really, really upset that I never get to hear from him anymore. I feel very conflicted, I don't know whether to love him, and remember the time we spent together fondly, or track him down and beat him with a 2x4.

I feel a need to contact him again. It's been nearly 4 years since we talked. I don't know how he'd react, but it's constantly weighing on me. Every day. Then when I start to think about it too much I just get mad at how he's treated me. Again I am conflicted. I don't know how to feel or what to think anymore.

I've probably rambled too much that most people aren't still reading, but if you are, I wonder, could you forgive someone like that? A loved one that hurt you in ways you didn't know you could hurt? Could you ever get past that and move on with the person? I know many will say give up and move on, and I wish I could, but I invested most of my life with him. We don't share the same blood, but I thought we were brothers. If you told me 6 years ago that we wouldn't be friends today, I would have bet you 100 billion dollars you were wrong. I thought I'd be telling his kids embarrasing stories about him.

 

[Seasoned]

You are incredibly. Contact him with the purpose of putting closure on your relationship or renewing it. The concept of forgiveness is more complicated than most realize. Forgiveness frees you up from all the energy you have been using on this issue.

 

[ibill1]

^
Exactly. You need to contact him and tell him just what you posted here. He needs to know for both your sakes. He was young, he could have changed and apologize for his assholeness. Yes, If he meant that much to me I could forgive him and renew our friendship. Forget, no, forgive, yes.

 

[jaysizzles]

I've known toxic people like that that I've cut out of my life...and I'm glad I did...others I've allowed back in with but always kept at an arms length. Do I forgive them? Well...kind of. I certainly will never forget what they did nor ever give them the opportunity to walk over me again. The relationship is nor will ever be the same.

The reason I said I kind of forgive them is more for me than for them. I don't believe in carrying around anger and hard feelings...it's exhausting. As I've matured and grown somewhat wiser, I've come to understand that people do stupid stuff and lose control of their lives...lose a sense of right from wrong. If they learn and grow from this...fine, let's move forward. Most, however, don't (a leopard doesn't change its spots......it's so often true!)

For you...I can't tell you what you should do. You could extend the olive branch if it will make you feel better...or just decide to forgive him on your own with no contact. If you do decide to contact him, look for signs that he has improved his life since the arrest and troubles he's inflicted on you...that he's made positive changes. You don't need someone toxic in your life...giving you grief or bringing you down or use you/abuse you again. Still, even if he does show signs that he's changed for the better...be cautious!

 

[Críostóir]

You don't say that his abuse of you was related to alcohol or drugs, but it sounds like it might be. If so, try to find out if he's since gotten clean/sober. If he has, it's much more likely to be worth contacting him.

 

[palemale]

You don't say how the final break occurred and how you left things with him. I would just move on and forget about him. Should he ever try to contact you to apologize and tell you he got his life together because he, a) quit drugs and/or booze, b) got counseling, or c) both, then you could reconsider at that time.

 

[G-Lexington]

There have been toxic people in my life who either hurt me, or attempted to. I don't spend my life holding grudges, but then again, I don't allow myself to continue to being their punching bag, either. When a relationship becomes far more trouble than it's worth, I simply put an end to it. I don't nail the door shut, though. If the person matures, comes around, and comes back, I'm willing to give them another chance. But I don't actively chase down those I cut free. I'm enjoying my life far too much to bother looking for old baggage.

I remember at one point doggedly clinging to my ex. Hanging out with him even though our relationship had ended, and our friendship wasn't going very well. Why? Because at the time, it's all I had. None of my other friends lived nearby, and I was pretty damned lonely. So I kept hanging out with him and his friends, more like a seventh wheel than a fifth.

I'm wondering if you're in somewhat of the same situation. If the best friend you ever had stole from you, used you, abused you, and left you for dead...well, to be blunt, you need better fucking friends. Because if you've gone off and made other friends - real friends, that you can enjoy and be yourself around without thinking they're gonna treat you like shit - then you wouldn't be missing this guy so much.

Lex

 

[KaraBulut]

Sorry, but without knowing a bit more about what caused your friend to behave this way and whether those issues have been resolved makes it very difficult to recommend that you contact him.

It might be better to contact a mutural friend or his family to ask about him to satisfy your curiosity. If he's gotten his life together, then contact him. If he hasn't gotten it together, then he is part of your past.

What you are clinging to, after all, is that past.

Sometimes it's better to have pleasant memories of a person than to discover the painful truths about what they became.

 

[yourally]

In this case, I'd say forgiveness can be a silent, personal thing for you.

If he hasn't tried contacting you in four years, maybe you care more than you should.

If you really feel you have to, be prepared that he might not be remorseful...

It's your call. Follow you heart(as cliche as that is) and go from there.

Maybe if you find him, you can try and restore it to being civil accquaintances.

I've had this happen to me, and I just cut them out of my life. No doubt they'll be back, but this time the door's nailed shut. Only so much hurt someone can take. Someone who loves you won't hurt you, and since nobody's perfect, if they do, they'll do whatever it takes to prove themselves. Good luck and God Bless!

 

[Willie Boy]

You definitely need to let it go. Forgiveness is a tough thing. You can forgive, and it would ultimately be best - for your own health and well being. But that doesn't mean you have to forget the past. Until, and unless, he makes amends I would suggest the friendship remain over. Forgiving someone doesn't mean allowing them to hurt you all over again.

Basically, forgive him and move on. This way you can have closure and not keep beating yourself up with indecision.

 

[rareboy]

I don't think he's worth the effort.

You don't need closure. It is over.

What you need to do is to forgive him and you don't need him around for that. When you have totally forgiven him in your own heart, then you'll be able to forget him.

Many of us have childhood friends who disappointed us, but that is just the way it goes. I still occasionally think about a friend who betrayed me and destroyed our friendship when we were 14 years old and then went on to fuck up his life.

But when I think of him now, I only hope that he made something of his life and that he is happy. But there were a number of years when I nursed that hurt in a silent secret place. It was having new friends and other things in my life that made me forgetful and forgiving.