couldn't walk into a gay bar

[Moss]

Just a quick background...21/gay and I have been slowly coming out of the closet to a few people at a time, only a few close friends and family members know of my status.

I was out of town this weekend. I live in the Western New York area and there was a school trip to Boston. I knew some people going on the trip but I'm not 'best buddies' with anyone that was going, so Saturday night i had the night to myself with nothing really to do.

After looking up gay bars in Boston I decided to see if there were any sports bars in the area. To my surprise, I luckboxed being less than a mile away from a popular gay sports bar in the city. After contemplating going for 1/2 hr I decide to make the trek to the bar and to see whats going on.

Never being in a gay bar before, I was excited to see how it was like. But the closer I got to the bar, the more nervous I became. After walking for fifteen-twenty minutes, I found myself in front of the bar. The end of the Celtics game was playing and it was pretty packed in there. I know nobody in the area so I should be able to go in guilt-free and enjoy myself.

I then found myself walking past the bar, standing in front of it and calling my friends for a half hour, trying to avoid any possibility of going in.

Now I'm not a big bar guy to begin with (or big drinker for that matter), but I just couldn't understand why I couldn't get over my lack of self confidence to walk in and order some kind of drink and to see what was going on. This was the first gay bar that I had found that I think I could of felt 'normal' in, but I still couldn't walk in the front door. After making those phone calls I decided to leave, feeling dejected about not making my way into the bar.

I couldn't fall asleep the whole night and ended up walking around the Boston Commons park area, trying to figure out what I'm doing with my life and why I have such underlying self-confidence issues, but my mind kind of went into a blank most of the time I was walking around. I'm really aggravated with my lack of self confidence and not being able to even be 'social' in that situation.

I don't even know what advice I am looking for, this is the first time I've been able to sit back and 'recap' what happened that night (and it does help), but I don't know why I was so scared to walk into the bar. Maybe if I had someone to go with it would of been different, it was a little intimidating seeing everyone in there and I didn't want to just stand around and be by myself the whole night.

I just need to figure out why I am having such self-confidence issues and move forward from there. Hopefully I figure this out soon.

 

[seanystarr]

I had a similar experience when I was in New York last year, I had to force myself to go in after about 20 minutes of dithering outside.
sometimes you have to force yourself to do things that you know you should do but dont really want to - once you have got over that initial hump things get easier!

 

[tallguy297]

Hey student123212003,

What are you doing with your life? Mate... you are doing what most of us are... trying to figure it out, ourselves out and how to make those 2 seemingly opposites come together.

Going to a bar alone, especially a crowded one, is a daunting experience for most people whether they are gay str8 or otherwise. And today where most of us spend too much time in front of computer screens instead of using our mouths to communicate its getting harder and harder.

I dont think you have anything to worry about, nor beat yourself up over. Your reaction was normal, to be nervous is normal... and to let fear over come you the first time you try to break out is also pretty normal.

Dont dwell on it for too long... and dont let it become a big deal for you... its not. And I'd be certain that you'd have trouble walking into a strange str8 bar alone the first time alone too... so its not about your sexuality either so let that go too.

student123212003, life is about baby steps. Its as much about familiarity, balance and comfort as much as it is about confrontation, breaking boundaries and confronting fears. Sometimes things that come easy to some dont come so easily to others.

I have mates who are complete daredevils who take the most insane risks... who cant talk to a stranger. I know others who could care less who they meet or talk to but wont speak in public like at a meeting... We are all wired differently.

The thing to take away from this is how to take the next step. Would it have been going back the next night? Would it have been having a friend with you?

Or would it simply have been for you to believe that you belonged their, would have fitted in just fine and had a good time?

Without trying things, without failing at times, we never go forward, we never learn, we never change. This was just one of those times mate. A time to grow and learn from. Its as simple as that.

And if it helps I can absolutely guarantee that half of the guys in that bar felt exactly the same way the first time they tried to go alone for the first time to a social function of their peers... thats a certainty.

 

[crowboy]

I went thru similar today. I decided on the weekend to go to the local gay pub for the first time. The plan was to go after work. I made sure I wore something good to work today. Put on my best aftershave and took it to work for alter, and shaved this morning. I thought I'd make an effort. But at the end of my shift I was not up for it. It was hot (I finished at 3pm) and it was somewhere in the high mid/high 30 degrees here and the thought of walking for 20 mins in the heat did not appeal. Deep down I know I chickened out. But I had good excuses.......didn't I.

I know that I will go one day, and sooner rather than later, If only you and I lived near each other, we could go together and support each other. But alas that is not to be so instead I'll offer some support your way with a simple YOU CAN DO IT. I believe in you mate. Good luck.

 

[AverageJoe]

It's probably a little stressful for everyone. It's exciting when you do go in. Even if the bar sucks, getting the nerve to go in is fun.

 

[chance1]

Was in Atlanta for the weekend, got a lead on a good gay bar from a JUB member ............

and "dithered" for prob 90 minutes before i went in

called my friend in LA for support

stopped at a burger joint for a hamburger and soda

did some laps

OMG

finally went in

it was kinda weird but i liked it

nervous of course

gotta start somewhere

 

[TX-Beau]

The first gay bar I ever went to was this big gay dance club in Houston. I was really nervous, but the guy I was with drug me in anyway. Drank too much, wouldn't dance, sat in the corner on the second floor. Not a great experience.

I got over it, most of us get over it, you will too.

 

[Eagle653]

Man, do I completely understand this. I think before I stepped into a gay bar for the first time, I walked back and forth outside a dozen times. Then, I'd go in a different bar across the street and stare at the door. Then, I'd pace again. Then, I'd go home kicking myself for being so "chicken."

I finally went in. I was actually surprised that the lights didn't flicker and that the whole place didn't go quiet and everyone stare and point at me. The building stayed up, the lights (such as they were) stayed on, and the world continued to spin. Had a great time and met a lot of good people whom I still call friends to this day.

Take your time--you'll do it. I hope you have fun and a good experience when you do.

 

[youngnihilist]

Just think of it this way: Gay bars want you and you're welcome there. It's home. Straight bars don't want you.

 

[maxpowr9]

First off, the "gay scene" in Boston is pretty bad. I'm not talking about just the bars either.

I actually went to my first gay bar with a bunch of female friends for "support". We had a lot of fun dancing and what not. Most of the guys I have met at gay bars are not my "type".

As for going to a club alone, I would be petrified. I have been to bars by myself. I usually grab someone else to come a club or chicken out. Still haven't done it. It was only recently after a shopping excursion that I had lunch at a restaurant by myself. I almost felt embarrassed, sitting with nobody to talk to. The waitress was really nice and I tipped her $10 on a $30 meal.

It does take a lot of courage to put yourself out there.

 

[Moss]

thanks for the support, i did feel really shitty about myself that night but i'm over the fact that i didn't go in.

i was just annoyed with myself because this is the only type of gay bar that really catered to me (more sports than anything) so i thought once i got there it would be easy enough for me to walk in, i just kind of froze for awhile when i got there though.

oh well you live and you learn i guess.
thanks again

 

[wastingmymind]

Bars are difficult to navigate if you're new and young. In Toronto, the people I see on the bars are twice my age and the difference shows. The people my age are mostly straight once a month-ers who come with their female friends. I don't know what the kids do nowadays. Clubbing? Eew.

That or I'm totally doing the bar thing wrong.