Crisis!! - Please help

[Adam2299]

So I'm in the middle of an insane crisis right now and I literally have no idea what to do...... In a (sort of long) nutshell, this is what's happening:

One of my friends recently told me he's gay and made me promise not to tell anyone (which I haven't). He's an extremely sensitive and shy person, so it's hard to tell what he's thinking sometimes. Over the past 8 or 9 months, he's been confiding in me concerning his depression about being gay and coming out and so forth. We've been talking a lot, and I thought I was finally making some progress with him (convincing him to be more confident and maybe come out to a few more people). He's a great guy, he's just very very shy and has major self-esteem issues. Nonetheless, he still is afraid to come out to anyone or talk about his sexuality with anyone but me.... Just for clarification purposes, we'll call him "Jason."

Well one of my roommates ("Ben") is a huuuuuuuge slut, bringing home guys literally every other day. He's also a huge gossip and has a really big mouth. So the other day I told Jason to come over and hang out b/c he was sort of lonely and having a bad day. There's nothing weird about this, as all my roommates know him (as a straight guy though), and he often comes over just to hang out or watch football or whatever. So Jason and I are sitting on the couch and I made the incredibly stupid mistake of assuming none of my roommates were home and that we could talk freely about whatever we wanted..... BIG MISTAKE.

So we're talking about how Jason has a crush on this guy and I'm encouraging him to ask him out, etc... when all of a sudden Ben opens his door (that's about 5 feet away from us) and I'm pretty sure Jason turned a shade of white that I've never seen before in my life. I basically had to restrain myself from yelling "FUCK" but that's definitely what I was thinking... Anyway, Ben just sort of gave us a weird smile and went out the door, probably to have sex with some random guy he met at some random club.

Jason was so freaked out that he actually ran to the toilet and threw up (this kid is very much in the closet and VERY scared, you have to understand). I kept telling him everything was going to be okay and that I would talk to Ben when he got back about everything, but he wouldn't stop crying.... I think he truly was having a nervous breakdown.... He finally said he just wanted to leave and told me he'd call me later...

Part of me really hoped that Ben didn't even hear us talking, but the second he gets home he comes in my room and says "OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE JASON IS GAY WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!!" and I immediately told him that he's really depressed and doesn't want anyone to know and not to tell ANYONE. Then he gives me a weird look and says, "Well I sort of already did....."

UGH

To make a long story short, basically EVERYONE knows now, and I feel like it's all my fault. To make matters worse, Jason has become a recluse and is literally drowning in depression and confusion right now... he won't talk to anyone, including me. I just don't know what to do for him.... What the hell can I do? I feel like I've already ruined his life, which sucks because my goal for so long has been to HELP him, not hurt him....

Poor kid

 

[slobone]

My heart goes out to your friend but I really don't see what anybody can do about the situation at this point.

What you need to tell him is this: there's no such thing as being in the closet. You may think nobody knows your secret, but you're wrong. The minute you decide to come out, all your friends are going to tell you "Oh, I've known that for years." The more you try to keep it a secret, the more everybody gets curious, and the more they gossip about you behind your back.

Especially if you're hanging out with a gay guy whose roommate is the biggest gossipy slut in town. And especially if you insist on telling your friend all about which guys you have a crush on, etc. He's just learned that once words leave your mouth, they're out of your control.

So the news is out, now he just has to deal with it. He needs to come out to himself first and stop thinking it's a horrible shameful thing. You can help him by gradually getting him to realize that being gay is just not that big a deal anymore. Rent QAF or Will and Grace and watch it together. Tell him about all the gay congressmen, etc.

Oh, and have your roommate lie through his teeth and tell him, "Don't worry, I didn't tell anybody." Maybe he'll believe him long enough to get over the throwing-up part.

 

[8tomtoms8]

Adam, Your friend is very lucky to have such a sweet sensitive friend such as you. I think all you can do is be there for him. Even if your roommate is a big mouth, he's gay himself so how bad can it be for him to talk about your buddy. It actually gets easier when a few people know. In time your friend will realize this and probably be glad your roommate started to get the word out. When people are soooo closeted they are miserable. They can't experience being gay at all if no one knows. Your buddy will come back to you, just let him know your door is always open for him.

 

[looseliam]

You can't do much now.

Give him a big hug and tell him it will be O.K. And it will!

 

[VICTORIADON]

How are you in the crisis? Sounds like your friend is in the crisis. If you don't make a "big" deal about it and your roomates don't make a "big" deal about it maybe your friend will realize it is not such a "big" deal either.
Go over to his place and drag him out for coffee or a drink or a movie.

 

[FabFairy]

First thing is that you are not to blame you both decided to discuss things when you were alone, the fact that your motor-mouthed slutty flatmate showed up and over heard a private conversation then told the world is a problem.

I feel for your friend and if he is so fearful it could be a really hard time for him until he can accept others knowing that he is Gay. If everyone just gets on with life and does not make a big deal about his sexuality then it shouldn't be to long before life will return to normal. Tho perhaps a little professional help would be better for him.

As for your flatmate perhaps it is time you made him realise that he should keep his mouth shout and if you are not careful it could end badly.

 

[NineOfClubs]

Well, maybe because Jason has been such a coward about this (and maybe with cause, I grant), this could just be the "universe's" way of moving things along. At least now this has to be faced and he has to be more honest. I hope for the best, really.....

 

[ludolfo]

don't feel guilty dude. your heart was in the right place. you hadn't deviously set your friend up which would have been awful. what happened happened and cannot UNhappen. It is up to Jason now to gety some courage and at last FACE it. stop holding this huge part of himself in from everyone. he believes it is the monsster, but the monster is his holdin it in.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Adam,

Well mate the reality is whats done is done and cant be undone. The real trick is what you do now.

You need to expose Jason to some of the people who know. But you need to be smart and you need to be careful. You need to chose people out of the group who are considerate and respectful. Thats where your knowledge and judgment come in.

By letting Jason meet some other people who know about him and yet still respect him and his position in a quiet controlled manner, say over a coffee... he will come to see that others knowing isnt the end of the world. He will see that like you there are people out there that are compassionate and caring. He'll come to see that while there are always people in life you need to be wary of there is also another huge group that are kind friendly and caring.

The same qualities that Jason saw in you, the ones that him let trust you and believe in you are the ones that you need to call on again Adam. Right now you are his tour guide through this part of his life. Your judgment up until now has shown how much you do value and respect Jason - you are the right guy for the job. It will take time...he'll need to build trust. He'll lean on his trust of you in your judgment of the new people in his life...and then he'll slowly make new bonds himself.

But do it soon. The reality is that this is worse in his mind than it truly is. The longer he has to make the situation worse in his mind the harder it will be to snap him out of it. Find the one or two you really trust and arrange a get together. Drag him there if you have. Just make sure you expose him to who he thinks right now are the enemy. In time he'll see that he has nothing to fear and nothing to hide.

Understand Adam that you haven't ruined his life. Far from it. You've supported and nurtured him. Those are the actions of a real friend. Now he needs you again...and this time you have the chance to show him that all the things that you have been telling him in the past are true. There is a whole new world out there thats full of possibilities and happiness just waiting for him to discover.

All you need to do is reassure him that you're going to be there beside him as you have up until now. And soon enough mate he'll know just how good a friend you have been.

 

[Eagle653]

There's been some really great advice given, and I hope it helps you put the situation in perspective.

My heart goes out to Jason because what he's feeling is so incredibly crushing. What do you think is going on in Jason's head--does he loath homosexuality that much, or does he fear the idea of others knowing and thinking less of him? Whichever it is, he's going to need to get a handle on that in order to bring himself back from the brink.

Is he willing to get counseling? Do you think there's a chance he could hurt himself?

If he navigates through this crisis properly, he could come out in a better place, rather than being so highly closeted and paranoid that he becomes continually lonely and depressed, which he is now (and has been).

Just be there for him. Continue to reach out and help him through this. That's about all you can do.

P.S. This wasn't your fault. If it's anyone's, it's Ben's. That's kind of immaterial now, though.

Good luck. Let us know what happens.

 

[Adam2299]

Hey Adam,

Well mate the reality is whats done is done and cant be undone. The real trick is what you do now.

You need to expose Jason to some of the people who know. But you need to be smart and you need to be careful. You need to chose people out of the group who are considerate and respectful. Thats where your knowledge and judgment come in.

By letting Jason meet some other people who know about him and yet still respect him and his position in a quiet controlled manner, say over a coffee... he will come to see that others knowing isnt the end of the world. He will see that like you there are people out there that are compassionate and caring. He'll come to see that while there are always people in life you need to be wary of there is also another huge group that are kind friendly and caring.

The same qualities that Jason saw in you, the ones that him let trust you and believe in you are the ones that you need to call on again Adam. Right now you are his tour guide through this part of his life. Your judgment up until now has shown how much you do value and respect Jason - you are the right guy for the job. It will take time...he'll need to build trust. He'll lean on his trust of you in your judgment of the new people in his life...and then he'll slowly make new bonds himself.

But do it soon. The reality is that this is worse in his mind than it truly is. The longer he has to make the situation worse in his mind the harder it will be to snap him out of it. Find the one or two you really trust and arrange a get together. Drag him there if you have. Just make sure you expose him to who he thinks right now are the enemy. In time he'll see that he has nothing to fear and nothing to hide.

Understand Adam that you haven't ruined his life. Far from it. You've supported and nurtured him. Those are the actions of a real friend. Now he needs you again...and this time you have the chance to show him that all the things that you have been telling him in the past are true. There is a whole new world out there thats full of possibilities and happiness just waiting for him to discover.

All you need to do is reassure him that you're going to be there beside him as you have up until now. And soon enough mate he'll know just how good a friend you have been.

This is excellent advice, and I'm going to follow it. The problem will be finding the right people... I don't want to ruin his life even more by getting him to trust people who don't have his best interests at heart.

 

[tallguy297]

Hey Adam...you havent ruined his life. You were in the middle of a private conversation with someone who trusted you and valued your advice and opinion. Thats it. What happened was without your knowledge or consent.

But mate like I said. Its happened. So we gotta deal...

And I think that your judgment will be perfect. Your last post proves that. He's in good hands here...and far better that it happened this way with you to support him than him being outed some other way.

You'll be fine...and so will he. Be gentle but firm. He'll get through this with your help. The help of a real friend.

 

[ivyguy24]

just wait it out...he'll be ok.

I'm sure he knows you never intended that to happen, neither one of you knew your firend was behind that door.

It's too bad he went right out to tell people, while I guess he didnt' know any better, I find people that gossip like that to be really annoying.

 

[Riverrick]

It will probably be the best thing that could have happened to him. He is so terrified of coming out and the horrible consequences that he would never have done it, and thus been alone and lonely for a very long time.

He'll start to adjust and hopefully he can learn that his friends are still his friends and that he doesn't have to hide any more.

If he doesn't come out of it soon, then try to get him some help.

 

[luminum]

Then you need to be there for him to steer him through all this shit. He's obviously going and still is taking it very veyr hard. The worst thing you can do is leave him to his own paranoia. So be there for him. Show him that now that he's out, it's not the end of the world (quite the opposite, in fact).

And tell Ben that he should shut his fucking mouth from now on. Christ, what a douche.

 

[wentworth]

Gossip. I stay away from men who gossip. That is a nasty habit.

 

[RicanDAB]

Ben is a bitch ... and I am being kind!

Check on your friend - he needs to know that there is someone there who can comfort him. I did not see any indication in your post whether he is blaming you or whether he thinks he was set up. Make sure of that.

Other than what I have said, you have received fine advice above.