Crush (?) on a roommate who is a friend

[hardcoresince74]

Hi everyone, this is my first post for advice. Please help if you can! It will be appreciated.

I am 41, gay, and a friend of mine (39), not a really close friend, recently moved in to my place to be roommates after a breakup from a 4-5yr (gay)relationship that was getting shaky over the last 6 months, ... and moving to my area closer to his job and leasing out his condo (in a bigger city). He has had a lot going on, but is doing well with it.

I have known this guy for about 13 years and when I first met him, a mutual friend told me he liked me and that he would be up for going out on a date. I turned him down (I was in a mess myself and was not dating anyone). We have stayed in touch and done things with other friends and such, we have remained friends.

I really like being around this guy now and he is my roommate. I believe I have a crush on him, because it seems like I being in him presence.

Last night, I met a "matchmaker" friend for dinner who wanted to show me a picture of a guy she thought I would like and wanted me to go on a date with him. I told my new roommate about this dinner meeting.

While I was there he texted me "See if she has someone for me"

for which I texted back " aww... OK ...but I thought you were over men ... LOL"

he texted back "I am done with them but I still like them"

This seems to me that he wants to date (even after a breakup), right?
Can you date a roommate?
Is there a way to keep it slow so that it doesn't end up bad if it does not work out?
Also, how do I know if he even still would like me? How do I show him? I hate to "make a move" on a guy that has had so much going on ...

I just want to be next to the guy and spoon, talk and stuff (I can wait for sex).

If it is OK, how do I let him know how I feel?

 

[StlKj]

Well, you could tell him outright that you are developing feelings for him. I'm assuming that is out of the question, but it's always a good place to start.

What you could do though is just start inviting him out one on one. Go to the movies together. Go listen to live music and get a bite together. Head off to a ball game, or a play together. Basically, you could just do things as friends and see if the chemistry starts to develop. I suppose it would be a form of covert dating. The only thing is, if you don't eventually talk to him about your feelings, they will most likely only deepen, and there will be the pain of not knowing if he reciprocates.

You shut him down the first time. If there's any hope at all for something to develop, it's going to have to be you who makes the first move.

 

[racer2438]

never being romance from work or home. They mostly end up being messy and people get hurt or shit happens at work/home.

Leave this one alone and find your love some where else.

 

[hardcoresince74]

Wow, thanks for the help guys! Two opposing views! Both very good. Hmmm ...

I thought about just telling him outright. What the hell ... it's just being honest. But then again that is haaarrd to do.
We are going to the movies next week. We can see what happens.

Then again, there is racer's advice - no home romances, which is a good one!

Thanks again guys

 

[KaraBulut]

This seems to me that he wants to date (even after a breakup), right?

After 5 years in a relationship, he probably wants to get out there and have some fun while he's still young.

Can you date a roommate?

You can. But you can also breakup with them, too. And then you have an ex as a roommate and that's never fun.

Is there a way to keep it slow so that it doesn't end up bad if it does not work out?

In theory, yes. But that's not the way human beings were made- breakups are usually messy and ugly.

Also, how do I know if he even still would like me? How do I show him? I hate to "make a move" on a guy that has had so much going on ...

Then don't do it.

Your friend needs a friend right now. If you're trying to be a friend and a roommate and a lover, you're asking for all kinds of trouble and complications that your friend doesn't need right now.

You don't say whether this roommate thing is temporary. If it is, then when he moves out and if you are both still single, that is the time to sit down and have a heart to heart about whether to go from being friends to dating.

Hell, you've waited 13 years. What is the rush now?

 

[hardcoresince74]

Yeah ... this is probably a confusion of emotions and my needs and wants. I totally see it now.

Thanks for the advice ... it really helped!

 

[StlKj]

I'm reminded that we miss 100% of the of the shots we don't take. (Wayne Gretzky)

 

[hardcoresince74]

Killjoke ... what are you saying .... ?

 

[StlKj]

I've been one to err on the side of caution all my life, so I'm not trying to push you into going for something that could end up messy. However, how messy would this be? Do you need a roommate, or is this more an arrangement that helps him out in starting over? If so, and you tried to strike up a relationship and it didn't work, how much of a loss would his moving out be? Would it cause trouble with your other friends? Are the potential negative consequences greater than the potential positive ones?

If we don't take big risks, we usually don't get big payoffs. If you would rather keep peace and value his friendship as it is, then great, don't make a move. But not making a move out of a fear of mess? Isn't that kind of like crying over milk that hasn't even been spilled?

I don't know. Maybe I'm just asking this stuff out loud to remind myself at this point in my life I want to take action based upon what I might gain from it, rather than hold myself back because I fear what I might not.

 

[hardcoresince74]

Well, I am most certainly not going to drop the whole thing! I can't. But what I will do is step back a bit and let my feelings settle. I must do this, especially if I am not going to tell him outright -which I am not. He does have a lot going on right now. This will also give a chance for time to put things into perspective I beleive.

The mess that may ensue would not be the end of the world. Yes him moving in my place was somewhat of an arrangement that met his current needs easily. And, I beleive that no negative outcome would affect our mutual friends because I simply think that it would not be so messy -we both are pretty mature.

Recently, I have thought about this alot. We will be doing things together here in the next couple of weeks (we are going to the movies Fri, going to get the rest of his stuff -I am going just because I have a truck, and we do yoga together and such). I am going to let things settle and see what happens naturally.

Plus I think I can throw a few funny eandearing comments out there without being disrespectful or out-of-place to let him know how I feel without being too ambiguous.