Crush on friend and things are complicated

[ucfmatt88]

Hi All,

I feel like I have reached a point in my life where I need to do something, but not sure what, not sure to what extent, and not sure of the consequences.

This is long, but I want to get my thoughts collected and lay it all out.

I am 28, I have been dating a guy for almost four years. He is my third relationship and I love him, a lot. Due to work I don't see him as often as I would like. We are also a little limited in what we can do due to some constant medical problems he has. This doesn't affect us sexually really, but it can.

I feel that we are more or less in a rut, we don't have a lot of new things that happen to us and we haven't moved on to another stage in our relationship. We do not live together, we hang out with our own friends, sometimes together but mostly not.

Sexually, we are pretty vanilla. We do change things up quite a bit but never crazy things, however it is always fun and I enjoy it. I am more experienced than he is and I have done quite a few more things than he has. I know I have a kinky side and that excites me quite a bit. I also get into heavier things than what we typically do.

That being said, about two years ago, I found that I was wanting to do some of the kinky stuff that excites me and I decided that I would find a few friends into the same things and we would play on the side. I didn't tell my bf about this and he doesn't know about my kinky side. Also with what I like doing, I don't know if I cold even do those things with him. It is a different dynamic and I can't see having fun or being into it if I am playing with someone I care a lot about. I don't do these things often but every now and then I indulge, always safe of course.

Now, in my job I work with college aged students. I am not a educator but they essentially intern with me. Some times we become friends through this but not always.

About two years ago a new student came along that was extremely talented and I could see a lot of myself in him so I took him under my wing. With him being seven years younger than me I have been helping him and giving him advise on things I learned the hard way. Though all of this we have become very close friends.

Along the way I noticed that I think he may be gay. Though our talks the topic eventually came up. We had a very long conversation about it all. He was wondering how I could tell and he was curious about a lot. He told me that he is not really sure if he is gay or not, but by now he had made out and sucked off one of my friends. We talked a lot on what it all means and I told him about how I came to know I was 100% gay. I told him how we are all different and we come to the conclusion differently.

I told him he could ask me anything and he asked quite a few questions. My sex life came up and I did trust him with the knowledge of how I have and love my bf and we have sex but that I, to be fulfilled sexually, do mess around a little. He found this to be kind of interesting and we talked about it for a bit then moved on.

Since we have had this talk he graduated and I helped get him a job at a partner company and I bring him in to do work for me as well. This means that we do work side by side a lot and I am his boss at times.

We have had a lot of deep conversations on life and professional side of things. I would say that I am defiantly a go to person for him for advice. We also hang out and share the same friends. His fling with one of my friends never developed into a relationship but they do continue to mess around from time to time. He has at least made out with a girl now but hasn't really done much on that front. We have not had another discussion on where he is with what he is thinking about possibly being gay and so forth.

Well after some time has past now, I seem to have developed a crush on him. I always thought he was attractive and getting to know him more and be really good friends seems to have made me like him.

I have been just kind of dealing with this crush thing thinking it would go away eventually. I am happy with my life and I do like where things are. I really like having him as a friend and I enjoy mentoring him and helping him.

However, the crush thing has not gone away. It has gotten bigger. I would say that I am defiantly lusting after him now. I have done a few things here and there to be playful to see if he showed signs of interest. The first time I was told later he texted my friend that he messes around with that I was coming on to him, so he defiantly has figured some of it out.

I've noticed over the past months as well, that quite often and he stares at me. I've asked a few other friends to see if they've noticed it as well, wondering if it was all just in my head. Two of them have confirmed they've noticed.

We also started hanging out with another friend of mine who is a girl and the three of us have lots of fun together but she is also very touchy and likes to cuddle so we have all three of us cuddled a lot and massaged and tickled each other. This is something I don't usually get to do with my bf, which really sucks for me because I love it.

This I am sure has added fuel to the fire. My girl friend knows how I feel for him and she has been nice to get advice from.

So . . .

At this point I feel like I need to do something.

I don't think that I am interested in replacing my bf. I don't think that I want a romantic relationship with my young friend. I think what I want is more of a intimate friendship with him.

I know that that is crazy and selfish and its wanting to have my cake at eat it too.

He is 21, and I am 28. He is not sure that he is gay, and he has not ever had a romantic relationship and we have all been that age things change quickly and you will defiantly have more relationships past your first one.

As this goes on it is becoming harder and harder to not act on anything and to suppress these feelings.

I was recently told "you need to just go for it and get it over with. You're causing yourself a lot of worry and nervousness with this. Or maybe tell him you're attracted to him."

I was also told that I need to not be afraid of the worst case, to me the worst case is loosing everyone.

I just don't know what to do at this point. Its so complicated and a lot going on.

Any thoughts?

 

[dralockhart]

You're not going to want to hear some of this, but bear with me. You've already transgressed the boundaries of (a) your relationship with your boyfriend (b) your relationship with your protégé.

You are cheating on your boyfriend when you "play" with your friends. Him not knowing about it doesn't make it justifiable, nor does the fact that you get to be kinky. First, you never gave him the chance to be kinky. You just assumed you knew what his reaction would be. Bad communication is a harbinger of death in relationships, not to mention cheating. So I think this is less about what your future decisions with your BF will be and more about what sort of damage control you need to do for what you've already been up to.

Second, your relationship with your protégé already seems like it's bordered on inappropriate. A romantic relationship certainly would be. You are in a position of power and authority in this relationship. He is younger (I'm assuming) and under your guidance. There is a clear power differential there, and it would be unethical to use that power differential in any way to pursue a sexual and/or romantic relationship. I knew a guy that got fired at a university for that very reason.

Some people just have undeniable, inextinguishable chemistry together. It sounds like that's what you have with him. I think it would be unwise for you to have an "intimate friendship" with this guy. That's no situation to put yourself in day after day, and I think it will ultimately drive you nuts or result in sex. There's also the fact that when he moves on, you will probably find yourself jealous and hurt because you're continuing to nourish these feelings for him by being in his presence all the time.

Whatever the route you decide to pursue, if it involves having sex with people other than your BF, even if there are "no strings attached," you owe it to him to break up with him first. Or at least communicate with him about the possibility of having an open relationship, but be ready for him to say, "Ew, no." If you love him, you won't leave him in the dark about these goings on in your life.

 

[KaraBulut]

...I am 28, I have been dating a guy for almost four years. He is my third relationship and I love him, a lot...I know I have a kinky side and that excites me quite a bit. I also get into heavier things than what we typically do... I would find a few friends into the same things and we would play on the side. I didn't tell my bf about this and he doesn't know about my kinky side.

About two years ago a new student came along ...I seem to have developed a crush on him. ...the crush thing has not gone away. It has gotten bigger. I would say that I am defiantly lusting after him now.

Any thoughts?

There's a broad range of openness in gay relationships- varying from complete monogamy to completely open relationships. Most open relationships have certain rules and those rules are designed to avoid emotional distractions that can damage your relationship- specifically, avoiding jealousy and falling in love with another person.

What is dangerous in any relationship is cheating. What is cheating? It's lying, concealing and doing things without being honest with your partner.

The problem here is that you haven't been honest with your boyfriend- about your feelings, about your interest in kinkier things... or about your involvement with other people. But, the time to discuss having an open relationship is before you experiment with another person.

The red flag in your situation is not that you've already been going behind your boyfriend's back, it's that you've crossed into having feelings for another person. That's risky and if you are as committed to your boyfriend as you say that you are, it's something that you need to think about.

You have a choice to make: either you can sit down with your partner and have a discussion about what you can do to address some of your dissatisfaction with your sex life... or you can take a big risk and explore your crush on the other guy.

This is a choice that only you can make. And only you can weigh what you have to lose vs what you have to gain.

 

[Seasoned]

It appears that you are looking to justify any behavior that excites you and are willing to confide in friends that you are cheating on your boyfriend. This comes across as selfish at best.

Do you have control of your sexual impulses? Is it possible that you are a sex addict?

 

[mcbrion]

You're not going to want to hear some of this, but bear with me. You've already transgressed the boundaries of (a) your relationship with your boyfriend (b) your relationship with your protégé.

You are cheating on your boyfriend when you "play" with your friends. Him not knowing about it doesn't make it justifiable, nor does the fact that you get to be kinky. First, you never gave him the chance to be kinky. You just assumed you knew what his reaction would be. Bad communication is a harbinger of death in relationships, not to mention cheating. So I think this is less about what your future decisions with your BF will be and more about what sort of damage control you need to do for what you've already been up to.

Second, your relationship with your protégé already seems like it's bordered on inappropriate. A romantic relationship certainly would be. You are in a position of power and authority in this relationship. He is younger (I'm assuming) and under your guidance. There is a clear power differential there, and it would be unethical to use that power differential in any way to pursue a sexual and/or romantic relationship. I knew a guy that got fired at a university for that very reason.

Some people just have undeniable, inextinguishable chemistry together. It sounds like that's what you have with him. I think it would be unwise for you to have an "intimate friendship" with this guy. That's no situation to put yourself in day after day, and I think it will ultimately drive you nuts or result in sex. There's also the fact that when he moves on, you will probably find yourself jealous and hurt because you're continuing to nourish these feelings for him by being in his presence all the time.

Whatever the route you decide to pursue, if it involves having sex with people other than your BF, even if there are "no strings attached," you owe it to him to break up with him first. Or at least communicate with him about the possibility of having an open relationship, but be ready for him to say, "Ew, no." If you love him, you won't leave him in the dark about these goings on in your life.

AGREED, DRA. 1000% If you've never even given him the chance to be kinky, you're controlling the relationship, making up his mind for him ("I know what you'd like, better than you do, so I'm not even going to confirm with you that you might want to try this." This is not a judgement, but let me say: this sucks for your boyfriend, and not only might he consider it a betrayal, YOU ARE DESTROYING HIS ABILITY TO TRUST PEOPLE. Is that what you want, because that's precisely what you are doing. And don't even try to rationalize if. Either you ask him and he says no, or you're being a control freak, however honest you might be in other matters. You are asking for trouble. And 21 is a pivotal age for young guys. It is a "test period," and a sensitive one at that. What you do here will set the stage for who he becomes, and if you want to play the role of the Devil (metaphorically speaking, the Deceiver), you couldn't have picked a worse time.

If you can't confess, tell you you have fantasies, and tell him what they are, and that they are very, very strong and you don't want to lose him, but you can't suppress them. And then work out the solution with him. You may have more experience, but to me, a 64 year old, you're still a kid in the emotional arena, not sure what you should do or whether you should do it (you SHOULD be honest. Anything less is going to eventually make you think less of yourself. The subconscious CANNOT be lied to.)
Give it up (meaning, as we Black folks say, KEEP IT REAL.) If you ain't real, you ain't doing nothin' right. the ages of 29 and 30 are pivotal, too, so you're coming up on a period of change, once you might be saying, "this guy's full of it." I'm not, and you'll find out for yourself how powerful it is. In fact, there is a book from the 80s, called "Passages" by Gail Sheehy. Read it, and you'll know the times of psychological vulnerability. You're about to find out how rough that time can be. Here's the link to the page. I would suggest EVERYONE get this. It was sensational in 1988 and psychological periods of change HAVENT changed in 30 years. It's on Amazon. You may think you're an adult, but not with this russian roulette you're playing.

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_n...earch-alias=aps&field-keywords=Passages,+gail

 

[tarallucci]

Too many things at once. I keep thinking it's not possible to love different people at the same time, so I will say that you love one of these guys more than the other. It seems that you got bored of the relationship that you have with your boyfriend because he might not like your kinky side (at least that's what I'm assuming since you haven't discussed it with him) and now you had a crush on your coworker which makes you want to explore.

What were your feelings after you messed around with other guys to better satisfy your sexual needs?
Did you feel kind of guilty towards your boyfriend?

It might be just something sexual with your former student, so I'm suggesting to hold on to what you've built with your boyfriend and maybe talk to him about the fact that you want to experiment with sex. He could be ok with it and your sexual life could become more satisfying, that way you wouldn't risk to cheat on him again.

But like I said, take one step at a time. Decide what's the right thing to do for you and your boyfriend, there is nothing you should hide from someone you love.

 

[Oracle]

OP, you say you're happy with your life, but your every word is evidence to the contrary. My impression is that you are unhappy, bored, and constricted in your romantic life. I also get the impression that maybe you feel some kind of obligation to remain in a relationship with your boyfriend despite not being satisfied with him. You can love someone and realize that the relationship between the two of you has limits and an expiration date. With the realization, it's okay to move on. People grow apart.

You are seeking the fulfillment one typically receives from the right romantic partner outside your relationship. You say you love your partner and the vanilla sex is fun for you and you feel you're in a rut, but you don't talk to your partner about it; instead you find "friends" to play with on the side. Take a moment and consider this.

Really.

Now, your actions as you've described them are a big red flag and warning light indicating that something is awry in your relationship. You have a problem in your relationship that needs to be addressed directly and honestly if you choose to continue your relationship, but you need to get real with yourself real quick. Playing on the side and lusting after a protégé (to borrow another poster's term) are symptoms of a person dissatisfied with his relationship.

I feel for you because you've gotten yourself into what's going to turn into a painful and awkward situation. The previous poster who offered thoughts on damage control for what you've already done was right. You can try to keep hiding your "on the side" experiences, but know that your boyfriend will eventually find out about your dishonesty and he will feel betrayed and worthless.

Or you can have it go another way. Tell him the truth. In fact, you owe him that much. He deserves to have all the information with which he can make his life decisions. This information will hurt him, surely, but if you love him like you say you do, then you'll come clean and apologize for causing him hurt.

As for the crush on the protégé, I have to echo previous posters and say that you are playing with fire. It's inappropriate if he is in fact your protégé, unethical, and if you bring him in to do work for you as well, then you're entering sexual harassment territory. To incite or otherwise pursue anything remotely romantic with this guy is an abuse of your position.

It isn't very complicated. You get real and honest with your boyfriend and take the consequences whatever they may be because, well, you have them coming to you. With the crush, be friendly, but above all be professional. You're there to do a job, not get a new friend to play with. Cut the cute playful whatever trying to gauge his interest. You said yourself you're sometimes his boss, so act like it. Act like a professional.

Should your relationship not survive the damage you've done, then after an appropriate amount of time, since this protégé became a friend to you and you're attracted to him, maybe you can discuss the possibility of a romance, but if you have any professional authority over him at work, you're treading deep and dangerous waters if you pursue romance.