[Daddy Issues] I'm avoiding him

[Royal Heart]

I hope this doesn't end up being a wall of text. I'll try to give you the Coles Notes version and fill in details as they're asked for. I'm essentially looking for any insight, advice or words from those who can relate.

I met my biological father for the first time in 2007. He actually found me on Facebook. I flew out west to meet him and stayed with him and his (then) wife for three weeks. Monumental event in my life. I grew up hearing about him from my mom who never demonized him. She wanted me to know my father was out there somewhere and she wanted me to meet him one day. She used to say that I reminded her of him, and thought he'd think I was pretty cool (which I am).

Fast forward to 2008. I decide to quit my job here and move out west to live with him and his (then) wife, to get to know him better. I find work and things begin ... to fall apart.

His job was dissolved and, with it, his wife's sanity. Lots of financial issues, she went batshit insane, right off the deep end. I was asked to keep my mouth shut, not to upset her, for the sake of harmony. Out of respect for him, I did so. I wanted to say things to her so many times, but I kept quiet for his sake. He worked to launch his own business and she was a bitch troll from hell.

Then his mom, my grandmother, passed away. His marriage fell apart. He was keeping it together, though. Handling it really well. It was unfortunate, really. Not the ideal time to cultivate a relationship with your only son. Poor guy. I wanted to just make the crazy bitch troll go away, but he wanted to help her through whatever she was going through. (Money withdrawal, I suspect.)

Now dad, his (now ex) wife and several of their friends had gone to a camp called the "Enlightened Warrior Training Camp." An expensive four-day camp which claims to teach you how to recognize your own enlightened warrior nature. An intense camp to break down mental blocks preventing you from being powerful, effective, and full of unconditional kindness. Everyone who went to the camp said they came out of it forever changed for the better. They talked about it and said that it could change the world. If we all knew how we could master our fears and harness our tremendous potential, we could do incredibly good things for humanity.

Sounds great! Sign me up!

$7000 later, I went to the camp, I completed it, I graduated and I came home to my father as an enlightened warrior. He was proud of me, he said. To hear those words come from my dad was literally my childhood dream come true. All my life I had wanted to hear my father tell me he was proud of me, and he did, and my life was complete. Even now, I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

Some things happen and the crazy bitch troll kicks my dad out of the house. He leaves the city entirely and I'm stuck wondering, "why the fuck am I still here?" So I move back home. That was in October.

And now ... I'm avoiding my dad. For some reason I just can't bring myself to talk to him. It's like there's some kind of invisible wall that I can't break through. I think I know why but ...

You see ... that probably wasn't the best time for me to go through that camp. I'm a simple prairie boy. I just up and left my little city and moved to the big west coast city with people I didn't really know. Dad's job goes tits up, his wife reveals herself as the embodiment of the Ninth Circle of Hell, grandma dies - and then I'm sent to a camp to "break down barriers." So, it fucked me up. I went away for four days, got really fucking high on Affirmations and "enlightening" activities and I came back completely fucked.

I'm a Zen nerd. I knew full well that there was nothing that could ever happen at that camp that would ever be worth the $7000 that I couldn't get sitting on my cushion for my 20 minutes a day. In fact, I should have known better. Anyone who tells you they can reveal to you your enlightened nature in a four day camp is full of bullshit.

Yet dad was proud of me for going and finishing the camp and coming home a warrior. In my mind, I link the two. Maybe by rejecting the camp and what happened there I feel like I'm rejecting him. I don't want to reject him, though. He's my dad. Is this why I'm avoiding him? Because if I tell him that I wish the camp never happened, that I had my $7000 back and the rest of my sanity, that I'm somehow saying that I wish I never met him? Well that's bullocks, isn't it?

Shit. Did I just solve my own problem?

tl;dr By rejecting something important to my dad, am I rejecting him? No, that's idiocy.

 

[rareboy]

Because if I tell him that I wish the camp never happened, that I had my $7000 back and the rest of my sanity, that I'm somehow saying that I wish I never met him? Well that's bullocks, isn't it?

Shit. Did I just solve my own problem?

tl;dr By rejecting something important to my dad, am I rejecting him? No, that's idiocy.

No.

You're rejecting the idea of failure. His failure. His wife's failure. Your failure. The universe's failure.

It is amazing how complicated and fucked up, people can make things.

Just. simplify.

Get on with your life. reconnect with him. But as a responsible adult male. Not some kid who needs to be molded and brainwashed by cult nonsense.

 

[Seasoned]

It sounds as if you haven't had much time with your father except for this recent encounter. I'm glad you were able to establish a relationship with him, but do realize you developed without him, and are now an adult capable of making independent decisions? I wouldn't bring up the $7,000. Consider it tuition in the school of life. Your father seems more of a dreamer than you. Reconnect with him adult to adult. There is no need to feel the need to agree with anyone on every issue. You can still have a decent relationship.

 

[TX-Beau]

I wish you good luck. I wish I had something useful to say, but you're out of my experience zone.
I hope things work out for you.

 

[KaraBulut]

Now dad, his (now ex) wife and several of their friends had gone to a camp called the "Enlightened Warrior Training Camp." An expensive four-day camp which claims to teach you how to recognize your own enlightened warrior nature. An intense camp to break down mental blocks preventing you from being powerful, effective, and full of unconditional kindness. Everyone who went to the camp said they came out of it forever changed for the better. They talked about it and said that it could change the world. If we all knew how we could master our fears and harness our tremendous potential, we could do incredibly good things for humanity.

Urgh.

Joel Osteen. Rick Warren. est. Scientology. Neurolingistic programming. Warrior camp.

When will we ever learn?

I'm a Zen nerd. I knew full well that there was nothing that could ever happen at that camp that would ever be worth the $7000 that I couldn't get sitting on my cushion for my 20 minutes a day. In fact, I should have known better. Anyone who tells you they can reveal to you your enlightened nature in a four day camp is full of bullshit.

Yet dad was proud of me for going and finishing the camp and coming home a warrior. In my mind, I link the two. Maybe by rejecting the camp and what happened there I feel like I'm rejecting him. I don't want to reject him, though. He's my dad. Is this why I'm avoiding him? Because if I tell him that I wish the camp never happened, that I had my $7000 back and the rest of my sanity, that I'm somehow saying that I wish I never met him? Well that's bullocks, isn't it?

You're rejecting the idea of failure. His failure. His wife's failure. Your failure. The universe's failure.

At the risk of using the trite 'when life gives you lemons...' route... this is the situation and really, it really is up to you to fix it

Rareboy is on to something in saying that you have a lot of anger over these failures in your best-laid plans. It is unfair to blame all of these things on the ill-spent $7000 and your father.

Being an adult sucks. And there are times when all your bad days will come at once. But this is an instance where you are 50% of a relationship- a relationship that you valued- and you have fucked it up with your anger. There's really no point in trying to find external reasons (e.g. crazy wife, bad economy, pseudopsychology) to blame for the ill-feelings you have toward your father.

Your feelings are your responsibility. Own them. And do something about them.

Perhaps under all of this is a lot of feelings that you've had toward your Dad (and his absence from your life) that you never have worked through? And it doesn't sounds like you're able to communicate and express your feelings (past or present ) toward him.

So, the first question to ask here is whether you want to fix this situation or whether you want to continue on with the rest of your life and not have a good relationships with your father?

 

[Royal Heart]

I really appreciate your responses.

A misconception: I don't care about the money (I just think I'd rather have it back than not), and I don't blame my dad. I don't do blame or guilt. So those two pieces aren't factors in my story. I apologize for not clarifying that at first.

I don't really have ill-feelings toward him, either. I think he's an incredibly fantastic man. Fascinating, kind, intelligent. What I'm so confused about is that despite my high opinion of him, I just can't bring myself to talk to him. I'm not angry, I'm not afraid. It's just whenever I go to send him an email or give him a call: Nothing.

I don't understand why.

I thought, maybe I've linked this one thing that was important to my dad to my dad himself in my mind. And now that I'm rejecting that important thing, is my mind rejecting my dad too because the two are linked up in my skull?

 

[mblad99]

I think your issues are tied deeply to feeling rejected by your father when you were young. After many years, he finally tells you he is proud of you. That is something you needed to hear as young boy. Its nice to hear it as a young man, but its needed early on. I guess the "nothing" you feel for him now is avoidance of any type of rejection again. Hang in there, things like this have a tendency to work themselves out.

 

[Royal Heart]

Cheers, thank you mblad99! I wouldn't be surprised if you were right. Who knows what's really going on in this haunted house that I call my "mind"?